my heart is no longer here
I am looking afar off
where there is fire and smoke.
run young man
tell the older men
that I am here
but will be leaving soon...
I am coming apart at the seams, and every day it is getting harder and harder to ... restrain myself, and very soon, I see myself tipping over the edge, and giving in to what I am coming more and more bleakely aware is something sooo lethal, so deadly that, well, makes me the worst thing to ever have walked this earth.I am looking afar off
where there is fire and smoke.
run young man
tell the older men
that I am here
but will be leaving soon...
OK, so God did walk the planet, in abraham's time, and then when moses was there, which was when He gave up on the people, but, hey God is NOT motivated by what motivates me. God is slow to anger;- I am NOT. God is loving;- and I love nothing, not even myself. God is good;- I am deadly... God is All-Powerful:- the only One that can curb me in ANY way is God, and in this it appears He is NOT interested in stopping me.
fuck am I talking about?
Ok, what am I running away from? one person, the ONE person I have been running from from ever since i was born, a woman that is responsible for me being alive to begin with and yet wanted to remove me from the living. I am not running away from her in the usual sense, but because if I do not make things turn out so that I am unable to go to HER, then I will, one day or the other, sooner or later, come and try to have her done away with, and well, with ME unable to die- fuck, I have been through all that, and I have tested it all, and failed to die, so... - me killing her would not make me also die.
when I was still a boy, I used to run into both my paternal and maternal uncles' arms to escape her for a while, and you know why i felt safe there? because both of them KNEW what I was afraid of, and they unquestioningly comforted me, taking my side and just letting me be around them, in their houses, because I felt... safer, there.
But it never lasted, I had to go back, and in my life, i have always been aware that, unless I make it impossible for myself to go back, then the mere thought of being in my mother's vicinity would destroy whatever frail sense of balance I manage to acquire when I am ... alone.
So, I have to go, far far away, and get so lost somehwere there that even WHEN I try to come back, I will not.
funny thing this. I held my mother's arm the other time, told her I would not let her leave the room till she had listened to me, and while I felt her fear and the fact that she... complied, silently, I KNEW that I had crossed a line, and stepped back immediately, which was when I reached out for the ... promise... by God that "I have prepared a place for you, says the president of turkey" and I walked out, paperless, because I needed to make sure I did not come back.
turkey indeed!
the only reason why He called it turkey is that turkey is where the ark of noah landed, on a mountain, and well, I have MY ark, the twenty women here in whose arms I would take comfort, and well, unless i want to have to destroy everything in my path, and along with that, maybe the ONE person that is responsible for me to even THINK about sparing my momk's life, the only person that I... like... but not blindly, my friend, then I MUST go.
to do that i MUST let things ... hang loose, which means I MUST kill, since NO ONE will give me what I want, as that goes against everything you lot all believe in,right?
So, I will wipe out peoples on the planet, and save a few, and only when I am satisfied that there are no more women that I would yearn for and compel me to want to come back, I will then go, and leave whatever, whoever remains to live, whatever life they are capable of living, or scratching. Because if I have people that come after me, I will fight back,and destroy not only them but the planet.
yah, i know, it sounds all so megalomaniac and too absurd for word, but I suppose they have a word for it, like when Hitler was writing "mein kampf" and he was spelling out his plans and no one took him seriously because he was just small fry, but he ended up on the brink of almost taking over the earth, 'terriblita', or something like that, an arrogant disregard for others' opinions because you are rock solid in your own convictions.
Which reminds me of probably the ONE person that makes me want to say, "OK", if i have to go away NOW without this lady, I will find ways to come back for her, and that is this woman who... bled... for me.
i spoke about her, and she HAS a nice, sexy ass and drove this Toyota CR-V, and the thing is, when i wrote before about her, I was focusing on other things, but I ahve stopped being... hopeful, and started being just... bleak.
woman walks up to where her car is parked, and I am standing on the pavement by it, and I look at her, and I am challenging her, like, 'go ahead and mock me, just you try' and she decides to break the ice by looking down, surveying the remians of my meal and then asking me if I wanted a dough nut, and it was said so disarmingly I was left wrong footed.
after everything, even her small talk about her dog, the woman ended up driving off, which was not really driving off, because she got stuck in traffic just a metre or so in the road.
guy comes up to where me and sidney were standing, on the other side of teh road by then, selling a jacket. Mine had been burnt by fire and I had none, and the guy was selling it for R40, and I had no money, sidney had some but I could have paid him the following day. He refused, and i was left rather down. I glanced back, and there she was staring at me, and the look on her face spoke volumes about what she was thinking Made me feel like crying, that look.
I want that woman>Not this rubbish that think I will lose sleep over them or care what the fuck they do as they drive past and .... well, fuck, they are ALL dead, assholes!.
