There must be something to this wait-a-while bullshit, because I am getting to do something I confess never to have done much of in the past, and that is think things through, a process I hate. I guess its because part of me does not want to have all my ... labour... to have been in vain.
I was pretty upset yesterday, and I was like, "Enough already, lets get this over with", and I went up the mountain to sulk. I also, just curiously, wondered aloud at God, as to why He took my insults and did not, not even once, get mad at me or cuss me out. the answer was obvious, I am a person that has known first and foremost rejection and take any negative in that way, as a form of not measuring up, and would take it amiss if He was friendly and then would get testy with me, I would ask myself why, if He knew everything and prepares for all eventualities, He was allowing me to get to Him. Surely if He was really FOR me, He would always make a way for me to get to that good side of Him without me having to get the back of His hand?
Besides, I have no thick outer skin that can absorb the barbed arrows and shrug them off. I would be really hurt if He was ever to get mad at me, and would shut Him out completely.
So, after that I slept, or tried to, and was restless all night. The wind was there, refreshingly cool and numbing my feet with cold- I dont know, I seem to LIKE that- and was surprised when He answered my, "fuck, they are making a fool of me and You are just letting things happen You Asshole!", with a review at what He had shown me long ago. Before i knew that it was NOT me that was supposed to 'see the lord, high and lifted up' in the Isaiah 6 thing.
Self Covering
There was this vision of me lying in the fisherman's hut and looking down to the foot of my bed and there was this huge man, more than seven feet tall, bending dow so he could fit in under the roof, and then he was leaning on this rope and he was wearing golf-shoes, withe their studs, looking through the wall at the lighthouse, and he answered my "i am saying a lot of things and nothing is happening" with pointing to the beach further up, where this guy, nathan was swimming without making any strokes, eyes fixed on me, and then he seemed to lift an overcoat, black, and he stopped looking at me, and waded out and some women covered him with their bodies and then whisked him away. They were wearing scuba gear, as well as the headgear, without the air bottle or the snorkels.
Yesterday, I was just sitting at the park, minding no one's business, not even my own, and was working at some stuff sydney gives me to do- and I actually get paid more than vinnie did:- I do not get told about the woes he has with his family so he can avoid giving me anything for labouring all day- when this guy who used to come with a bike, the one who looks like mike but is shorter, drove in and out of the parking lot near Cape to Cuba, and past me, with a woman passenger, and they were staring straight ahead, like soldiers at attention. Really, I thought, then turned my back. Of course, she had been there, the woman, her slk was parked across the street from her workplace, and I was like, God, fuck this, let me kill them now, and get it over with, and He was like... you know how someone Who never makes a mistake is when you tell Him He is wrong? Yeah, EXACTLY like that, only worse.
So, I fgured that, since nathan is a short fat guy, this vision was actually about mike using my statement that I hated him to cover his own hatred of me, and now the woman and the gallery woman and whoever are conspiring to show me that he is actually quite a nice guy, not involved with her at all,and anyway, she can not look after the 'child' without him.(<=Forgetting that I am ready to snap at least provocation, like the giant that can straighten and throw off the roof, or snap the line of the 'hammock' I used to sleep in. I mean, is that an explanation or is that an explanation! Damn, I'm good! Must smoke more of this sensibilia, My stash is getting low, I may have to talk to sydney, although I do not like mixing business with pleasure. Nuh, forget it, I will keep it strictly professional with him)
Looks like she got my name confused. I am like God, and the FIRST commandment is, there will be NO ONE besides me, and I INTEND to kill OFF everyone around you. I am PREPARED, as I said before, to KILL you also, and live alone, because you WILL NOT MAKE ME JEALOUS. Obey or die. I am saying things plainly enough, I have the people I want to live, and I have stated them already, and the rest die, period. Its MY prerogative, and so,... get that?
Anyway, He said 'by this time next week' and so, by inferance, something will happen before saturday morning, and so, what that is, only He knows for sure, but He will make sure it happens because He owes me to NEVER be wrong. I jhave a rough idea what that is, and it IS something I am looking for, but I am not holding my breath that He is going to do THAT.
Insha-allah! _ It will be as He wills it.
I am going to sit and wait
Besides, I have no thick outer skin that can absorb the barbed arrows and shrug them off. I would be really hurt if He was ever to get mad at me, and would shut Him out completely.
So, after that I slept, or tried to, and was restless all night. The wind was there, refreshingly cool and numbing my feet with cold- I dont know, I seem to LIKE that- and was surprised when He answered my, "fuck, they are making a fool of me and You are just letting things happen You Asshole!", with a review at what He had shown me long ago. Before i knew that it was NOT me that was supposed to 'see the lord, high and lifted up' in the Isaiah 6 thing.
Self Covering
There was this vision of me lying in the fisherman's hut and looking down to the foot of my bed and there was this huge man, more than seven feet tall, bending dow so he could fit in under the roof, and then he was leaning on this rope and he was wearing golf-shoes, withe their studs, looking through the wall at the lighthouse, and he answered my "i am saying a lot of things and nothing is happening" with pointing to the beach further up, where this guy, nathan was swimming without making any strokes, eyes fixed on me, and then he seemed to lift an overcoat, black, and he stopped looking at me, and waded out and some women covered him with their bodies and then whisked him away. They were wearing scuba gear, as well as the headgear, without the air bottle or the snorkels.
Yesterday, I was just sitting at the park, minding no one's business, not even my own, and was working at some stuff sydney gives me to do- and I actually get paid more than vinnie did:- I do not get told about the woes he has with his family so he can avoid giving me anything for labouring all day- when this guy who used to come with a bike, the one who looks like mike but is shorter, drove in and out of the parking lot near Cape to Cuba, and past me, with a woman passenger, and they were staring straight ahead, like soldiers at attention. Really, I thought, then turned my back. Of course, she had been there, the woman, her slk was parked across the street from her workplace, and I was like, God, fuck this, let me kill them now, and get it over with, and He was like... you know how someone Who never makes a mistake is when you tell Him He is wrong? Yeah, EXACTLY like that, only worse.
So, I fgured that, since nathan is a short fat guy, this vision was actually about mike using my statement that I hated him to cover his own hatred of me, and now the woman and the gallery woman and whoever are conspiring to show me that he is actually quite a nice guy, not involved with her at all,and anyway, she can not look after the 'child' without him.(<=Forgetting that I am ready to snap at least provocation, like the giant that can straighten and throw off the roof, or snap the line of the 'hammock' I used to sleep in. I mean, is that an explanation or is that an explanation! Damn, I'm good! Must smoke more of this sensibilia, My stash is getting low, I may have to talk to sydney, although I do not like mixing business with pleasure. Nuh, forget it, I will keep it strictly professional with him)
Looks like she got my name confused. I am like God, and the FIRST commandment is, there will be NO ONE besides me, and I INTEND to kill OFF everyone around you. I am PREPARED, as I said before, to KILL you also, and live alone, because you WILL NOT MAKE ME JEALOUS. Obey or die. I am saying things plainly enough, I have the people I want to live, and I have stated them already, and the rest die, period. Its MY prerogative, and so,... get that?
Anyway, He said 'by this time next week' and so, by inferance, something will happen before saturday morning, and so, what that is, only He knows for sure, but He will make sure it happens because He owes me to NEVER be wrong. I jhave a rough idea what that is, and it IS something I am looking for, but I am not holding my breath that He is going to do THAT.
Insha-allah! _ It will be as He wills it.
I am going to sit and wait
