I suppose that it can be ... felt... that I am in a bad mood. But, that is nothing. I suspect that things are going to deteriorate even further, today,because I had been looking at the various possible 'avenues' of escape that could be taken, and when I concluded what I thought was GOING to happen, it seemed to me that God had tied me up, in south africa, and I could not help venting my fury out on Him, and telling Him, again, what an Asshole I think He is.
On the way up the mountain, last night,it occurred to me that the woman, instead of the obvious and self-destructive path that was shown she was likely to take, based on the 'advice' of the idiots she listens to, which is to try to negotiate for me to accept the ... child..., a grown man with a balding head, and by extrapolation mike, because she could never bear the burden of supporting him alone unless he was involved, meaning that I was to put paid to my plans to leave this country and stick around because her 'problems' outweighed mine; well, it occurred to me that she could just sit still and do nothing. Wait me out, while I, daily, went down the mountain, messed about with wires, and walked up the mountain again, stuck in place because God had left me with the burden of a vision which was His responsibility to fulfil anyway.
I was like, wow, Mr Genius, how the fuck are You going to handle THAT? Fuck, admit it, You are screwed! And are making ME pay for the fact that You have NO way out, You Asshole!
Of course, I realised that if these fools took this path, the one where they thought they could force me to accept the continued existence of people that, for me are earmarked for death, then it meant they assumed that nothing was really going to happen to them, that what I said about killing off every person, or about my anger, which was like superheated water seeking an outlet, any outlet, was just bull.
Good. I would kill them for that, I thought, and it was while I was musing like this that God-eh, actually, I was still telling Him what I thought of Him, then- sent, but much quieter than the first time when I was sitting in the great hall of this university, listening to a lecturer speaking on number theory, and I was absorbing his body language, that this was NOT some great custodian of "higher learning" but was just regurgitating what he had himself been taught and that I could NOT stand to face FOUR years of the honours degree program when in one day I had picked up all there was to it,and could tell him which way it would all go, based on logic, and I was also thinking that this was MY life, and so, why the fuck should I spend it trying to please someone I knew hated me enough to want to kill me, and not just want, but do it... and He sent the words of this song to me, and my heart, which at times I can not even fell beating, was at that time beating so hard I felt that any moment it would burst:-
And the 'something to do' is almost a literal translation, but I suppose one could say that it meant that He was involved with my life.
That is what gave me the courage to walk out of all that, and walk away,later on, from home. And in so doing, seek what I wanted.
The FIRST clue was the "I have prepared a place for you, says the president of turkey", and since I knew nothing about ME building an ark, I first of all assumed that I would go to turkey, and knew that I could be a lecturer, but along the way, I discoverd how very little I COULD stand people, and the lack of interest I had in showing anyone what they did wrong.
It was only after I came from Pollsmoor that I discovered that I had spent ten years trying to wean myself off from my mother, and that every act of mine in those years, as far as women were concerned, had been to do two things at once; shame her by getting some woman who had a child or was in any other way objectionable, like the money grubbing des, and at the same time try to turn myself into the 'shit' she had told me to my face I was.
And it only occurred to me, after I found out how, if you let them, people would walk all over you, that this was MY life, and so, I would live it MY way, with NO vacillation, which is when I tightened the screws.
And now, I am NOT interested in anyone coming to me with her foot-foot-nonsense and think that there exists in me any of the old 'prince' that she only had to look at me to get me to melt.
I have said that you will pay for what you did, and by God you will.
I have said you will weep bitter tears, alone, as you watch all your 'friends' go down to hell, and you will.
If you had no love for me, you should have stayed the fuck away from my vicinity.
I will NOT be taken for a fool.
So, try any games with me, and I show you what it means to really WEEP. Bitter tears.
As to what form God's concern for my life will take, I have no idea, but if He can unshackle me so I do NOT have to sit still for this bullshit, I would be pleased.
I want to kill these presumtuous fools, and drown all their hopes in broad daylight.
Silly cunts and assholes!
Of course, I realised that if these fools took this path, the one where they thought they could force me to accept the continued existence of people that, for me are earmarked for death, then it meant they assumed that nothing was really going to happen to them, that what I said about killing off every person, or about my anger, which was like superheated water seeking an outlet, any outlet, was just bull.
Good. I would kill them for that, I thought, and it was while I was musing like this that God-eh, actually, I was still telling Him what I thought of Him, then- sent, but much quieter than the first time when I was sitting in the great hall of this university, listening to a lecturer speaking on number theory, and I was absorbing his body language, that this was NOT some great custodian of "higher learning" but was just regurgitating what he had himself been taught and that I could NOT stand to face FOUR years of the honours degree program when in one day I had picked up all there was to it,and could tell him which way it would all go, based on logic, and I was also thinking that this was MY life, and so, why the fuck should I spend it trying to please someone I knew hated me enough to want to kill me, and not just want, but do it... and He sent the words of this song to me, and my heart, which at times I can not even fell beating, was at that time beating so hard I felt that any moment it would burst:-
Jehovah Mune hanya neupenyu hwangu
Mwari Baba Mune chekuita neupenyu hwangu
YHWH You are concerned about my life
Father-God You have 'something to do' with my life
And the 'something to do' is almost a literal translation, but I suppose one could say that it meant that He was involved with my life.
That is what gave me the courage to walk out of all that, and walk away,later on, from home. And in so doing, seek what I wanted.
The FIRST clue was the "I have prepared a place for you, says the president of turkey", and since I knew nothing about ME building an ark, I first of all assumed that I would go to turkey, and knew that I could be a lecturer, but along the way, I discoverd how very little I COULD stand people, and the lack of interest I had in showing anyone what they did wrong.
It was only after I came from Pollsmoor that I discovered that I had spent ten years trying to wean myself off from my mother, and that every act of mine in those years, as far as women were concerned, had been to do two things at once; shame her by getting some woman who had a child or was in any other way objectionable, like the money grubbing des, and at the same time try to turn myself into the 'shit' she had told me to my face I was.
And it only occurred to me, after I found out how, if you let them, people would walk all over you, that this was MY life, and so, I would live it MY way, with NO vacillation, which is when I tightened the screws.
And now, I am NOT interested in anyone coming to me with her foot-foot-nonsense and think that there exists in me any of the old 'prince' that she only had to look at me to get me to melt.
I have said that you will pay for what you did, and by God you will.
I have said you will weep bitter tears, alone, as you watch all your 'friends' go down to hell, and you will.
If you had no love for me, you should have stayed the fuck away from my vicinity.
I will NOT be taken for a fool.
So, try any games with me, and I show you what it means to really WEEP. Bitter tears.
As to what form God's concern for my life will take, I have no idea, but if He can unshackle me so I do NOT have to sit still for this bullshit, I would be pleased.
I want to kill these presumtuous fools, and drown all their hopes in broad daylight.
Silly cunts and assholes!
