There is a very discincerting trend that I am picking up nowadays, of how I am... allowed to explore things, settle down, enjoy myself, and then have what happened the previous day used to highlight something that should has been gnawing at me from way back when.
Yesterday, when I was told again, in the midst of a rage at... never mind that now, "... they are new every morning", I stopped trying to kill people. And recalled an incident which happened with a 'mukoma' of mine, one pardon gotora, firstborn son of my mother's younger sister, some four years my senior, who was studying tae kwon do ( the thousand kicks, as its korean name implies) and was, in 1998, a yellow belt with two gold medals to his name at national tournaments, having been trained by the redoubtable korean master lee, a 7th degree black belt who taught mugabe's commando's hand to hand combat. And I remembered THAT because I had picked up, after finishing forsyth's Fourth Protocol at the library's "bumper book sale" shelves ( I always arrive a bit early, and I read to pass the time), a book by harlan coben, called deal breaker, and there was some bit of martial artistry of the thousand kicks kind involved.
Anyway, the guy had some female problems in the rural areas of murehwa where he was staying, apparently, he seduced somebody's wife,a nd he was sent to my strict mother for re-habilitation.
And, knowing that I loved fighting, he decided to ask me to spar with him once.
It was a big mistake.
While NOT technically TRUE that I was not formally trained at fighting, it would be at best adequate to say that I always went to various teachers of various disciplines, learned the basics,and then evolved my own fighting style. Based on the way my own body limited me. I have probably the most intriguing physique that even I have ever come across. most people, their weaknesses can be identified in the obvious areas, between the legs, solar plexus, kidneys, et.c., but for some reason, physically, there does not exist some such weakness with me. Hell, someone could kick me right between the legs and i would not even pause. So, anyway, my 'brother', seeing that he could not engage me up close, decided to throw a punch under my ribs, right side, and draw back a bit so he could deliver a kick to the side of the head. I let the punch land, then, as he moved back, thinking me winded, I swept his left foot from under him, and, with my blood up, delivered a stamp kick as he landed, breaking several ribs of his, and earning for myself the sobriquet of 'murderer'.
Technically, therefore, when it comes to what I ... AM, I am without doubt a very strong, very ... different person from everyone i have come across.
Then I am very... weak.
In other areas.
And i have been doing an internal systems check, and discovered that what I am had better be plain, to myself, before I even try to do anything, because i may be setting myself up for a fall.
For example, and this is not a weakness, I have stated, blatantly, repeatedly, and adamantly, that I am going to kill people, and that well, after a short while, there will be no more people left alive on this or any other part of the world, because I have this ... inability... to have much to do with people.
I dislike people. I have managed to grow up with myself, identifying the things that do not sit well with me, and making plans to get rid of them. God has helped, given me 'permission' to think as I like, and I have been gradually making sure that the way i look at things has a lot to do with my trying to avoid the very same weaknesses that make me unable to be at peace.
So, frankly, you all are going to die, whether you like it or not.
I saw the gallery woman up to her antics again yesterday. Now, let me rewind a bit. On the day that the apple chick was ... last ( and disappointingly so) visible, the scary girl was also there, her car parked a bit further up the road. The day I spoke of about people trying to get into my head. She apparently thinks every word I write is a load of crap, or something, this gallery woman, and does not understand that a flame can burn steadily and stubbornly and as consistently as my fury and unabated rage at her meddlesome ways, because she was at it again, yesterday. Only this time, when i got to kalk bay, her car was parked where vinnie does his business, sydney was not there, and so, she probably assumed that i would go sit with mwale, and i did not, and so, when i was making my ways up and down to see sydney later on, she also decided to do another drive by, get my attention.And she tried again, irritating to show me alternative women. I have been nigh on three years without sex, nor the need for a woman, does it not get through to her that I really have a brain and personal idead
"I hate you, i am going to kill you first", does not seem to get through to her, and the POINT to it all is, I was even allowing myself to get sidetracked. Its not her,or mike, (or the boy and ms short and dumpy who were all doing everything BUT shout to draw attention, maybe to show that since the apple chick was NOT there, there should be no more animosity, maybe;-) its not them that matter to me.
I came back for closure.
because ONE woman exposed a weakness that I have never experienced with any other person, and at the same time made such a fool of me that at best what I hoped for was to push her into the arms of some guy, make her come out in her customary arrogance so I could wash my hands of her, and then leave.
because seeing her being kissed by some guy made her something disgusting to me, and i wanted to shrug her off. I confess not to have found the lever, although of course, it goes without saying that NOTHING she will do will alter the fact that those i havedoomed to die will die, the WAY I said, because that, to me, suits the crime.
Fuck, all she has to do is ... NOT believe me, and challenge me.
And i wont have to be weak ever again.
I hate weakness.
I coul not help thinking of the lines of the song:-you think that I'm strong, you're wrong, you're wrong
Yesterday, when I was told again, in the midst of a rage at... never mind that now, "... they are new every morning", I stopped trying to kill people. And recalled an incident which happened with a 'mukoma' of mine, one pardon gotora, firstborn son of my mother's younger sister, some four years my senior, who was studying tae kwon do ( the thousand kicks, as its korean name implies) and was, in 1998, a yellow belt with two gold medals to his name at national tournaments, having been trained by the redoubtable korean master lee, a 7th degree black belt who taught mugabe's commando's hand to hand combat. And I remembered THAT because I had picked up, after finishing forsyth's Fourth Protocol at the library's "bumper book sale" shelves ( I always arrive a bit early, and I read to pass the time), a book by harlan coben, called deal breaker, and there was some bit of martial artistry of the thousand kicks kind involved.
And, knowing that I loved fighting, he decided to ask me to spar with him once.
It was a big mistake.
While NOT technically TRUE that I was not formally trained at fighting, it would be at best adequate to say that I always went to various teachers of various disciplines, learned the basics,and then evolved my own fighting style. Based on the way my own body limited me. I have probably the most intriguing physique that even I have ever come across. most people, their weaknesses can be identified in the obvious areas, between the legs, solar plexus, kidneys, et.c., but for some reason, physically, there does not exist some such weakness with me. Hell, someone could kick me right between the legs and i would not even pause. So, anyway, my 'brother', seeing that he could not engage me up close, decided to throw a punch under my ribs, right side, and draw back a bit so he could deliver a kick to the side of the head. I let the punch land, then, as he moved back, thinking me winded, I swept his left foot from under him, and, with my blood up, delivered a stamp kick as he landed, breaking several ribs of his, and earning for myself the sobriquet of 'murderer'.
Technically, therefore, when it comes to what I ... AM, I am without doubt a very strong, very ... different person from everyone i have come across.
Then I am very... weak.
In other areas.
And i have been doing an internal systems check, and discovered that what I am had better be plain, to myself, before I even try to do anything, because i may be setting myself up for a fall.
For example, and this is not a weakness, I have stated, blatantly, repeatedly, and adamantly, that I am going to kill people, and that well, after a short while, there will be no more people left alive on this or any other part of the world, because I have this ... inability... to have much to do with people.
I dislike people. I have managed to grow up with myself, identifying the things that do not sit well with me, and making plans to get rid of them. God has helped, given me 'permission' to think as I like, and I have been gradually making sure that the way i look at things has a lot to do with my trying to avoid the very same weaknesses that make me unable to be at peace.
So, frankly, you all are going to die, whether you like it or not.
I saw the gallery woman up to her antics again yesterday. Now, let me rewind a bit. On the day that the apple chick was ... last ( and disappointingly so) visible, the scary girl was also there, her car parked a bit further up the road. The day I spoke of about people trying to get into my head. She apparently thinks every word I write is a load of crap, or something, this gallery woman, and does not understand that a flame can burn steadily and stubbornly and as consistently as my fury and unabated rage at her meddlesome ways, because she was at it again, yesterday. Only this time, when i got to kalk bay, her car was parked where vinnie does his business, sydney was not there, and so, she probably assumed that i would go sit with mwale, and i did not, and so, when i was making my ways up and down to see sydney later on, she also decided to do another drive by, get my attention.And she tried again, irritating to show me alternative women. I have been nigh on three years without sex, nor the need for a woman, does it not get through to her that I really have a brain and personal idead
"I hate you, i am going to kill you first", does not seem to get through to her, and the POINT to it all is, I was even allowing myself to get sidetracked. Its not her,or mike, (or the boy and ms short and dumpy who were all doing everything BUT shout to draw attention, maybe to show that since the apple chick was NOT there, there should be no more animosity, maybe;-) its not them that matter to me.
I came back for closure.
because ONE woman exposed a weakness that I have never experienced with any other person, and at the same time made such a fool of me that at best what I hoped for was to push her into the arms of some guy, make her come out in her customary arrogance so I could wash my hands of her, and then leave.
because seeing her being kissed by some guy made her something disgusting to me, and i wanted to shrug her off. I confess not to have found the lever, although of course, it goes without saying that NOTHING she will do will alter the fact that those i havedoomed to die will die, the WAY I said, because that, to me, suits the crime.
Fuck, all she has to do is ... NOT believe me, and challenge me.
And i wont have to be weak ever again.
I hate weakness.
I coul not help thinking of the lines of the song:-you think that I'm strong, you're wrong, you're wrong
