What I said, what I had sort of predicted, started unfolding before my eyes, and I have never felt as helpless and more a prisoner than when I just... stood... there while people that, if God had NOT happened to me, would be dead on sight went about their lives, right in front of me.
For once, I had no words, even on the way here to wynberg, to curse God. What was the ... point?
I am a person that has a strong, stubborn, mind, and well, I would not ordinarily say something like this, but for once in my life, I am questioning myself on everything, and my conclusions are dismal.I am depressed. Big Time.
So, I walked back to kalk bay, and ... funny enough (yeah, funny?)... it started raining when I got to that building. I had a seen the old hag's almera and I ended up standing near it. Actually, it started drizzling when the scary sherry's mr-2 passed me as I walked back, and when God put His two cents worth by reminding me of the lines of Misty-n-Roots' song Hawks on the street, "waiting anticipating/ready to make a move..." I thought, oh boy, I am going to FALL into this head first, today.
And I was already low. I could have gone straight up the mountain, after all, I had a R10 from yesterday to tide me over, but well, lets say I am a sucker for punishment!
be mindful
someone could be having
an eyeful;-...
got their eyes on you...
birds fly away
when hawks are near
through windows and street corners
watching you from above
waiting anticipating
ready to make a move...
I went and got some stuff from sydney's lady worker, and while there, my friend, the guy that I recently tried to cause to befriend the pillar, was walking down towards me from that restaurant near the station, and he saw me, stopped and walked away, and then came back later with two pathetic stones, and I was not amused, so I walked after him, like he invited me to, and he kept going. Back the way he had come.That was like... major letdown.
THEN as I walked back to stand at the furthest end of the building, some woman was on the phone at the entrance of the offices/gallery and she was giving me those looks that white people reserve exclusively for big fierce black men, like I am about to suddenly undress or go wild or maybe do what this other guy did, which was eat the internal organs of his rival in love. Somehow that bothered me.
I guess today I noticed how many people have their fingers in my pie, and my business is theirs.
And I hate them
So as I decided to do what I do when feeling low and lean my very tired old back against the blue bottle wall, I saw a car make an effort to park, like from the junction side where the traffic lights are, and well, there was space behind the almera to park, and the driver, who I did not pay attention to because I was also keeping a half-eye on my 'friend' who was now on the other side of the road, apparently deciding to just walk by quietly, well, the driver decided to drive ahead and park with a car between her and the almera.
I was busy watching the parking technique, and did not notice then that the people took an inordinate amount of time before disembarking the vehicle.
When they did, I went "aah!" and wished myself somewhere else.
How about this other song. I liked the instrumentals and used to whistle them as a youth, a lifetime ago.
Anyway, it was ms short and dumpy and the boy, she driving. Guess the guys have no balls, I think. Just an observation, use it or lose it, SLT (something like that)
They were talking to the guy who had his car between theirs and the almera, and well, let me say this, for once I felt like, wow, this is NOT happening.
Now, I can say to myself that I have a command of the english language, despite the muizenberg judge's opinion to the contrary, but when these people were speaking, if I had closed my eyes, I would have said that these were people that had everything going for them, and indeed, seeing the very confident way the boy walked past me, and me standing head bowed like a vulture- my head is big,huge, like all my extremities, and my normal pose is to stand with my chin on my chest. Very relaxing-I felt like I was invisible.
He was ordering coffee or something like that, because come back again he did
RIGHT
IN
FRONT
OF
ME.
Well, maybe mike I would have done something to, but maybe not. I JUST. STOOD.THERE.
Very humiliating.
I am feeling strained to the end, especially when I started seeing women that I had stated that not only am I NOT interested in seeing them, walk up and down, right IN FRONT OF ME.
I felt like I speak a foreign language.
Then the gallery woman made herself visible, and well, I am ugly, but for me there is something distinctly REPULSIVE about the woman with a throat falling down like a bullfrog's and that ... weathered tongue... that she exposed when she was gaping at what her female companion had said.
I felt like asking, "FUCK, how long must I put up with this bullshit, YOU Moron?!", but then, as I said, what was the point.
I walked away.
Welcome to the exposure from God, Who does NOT give a fuck what He puts you through, because to Him only the End matters. The Prick!
