I am no longer trying, this is a done deal, I am turning into a full-fledged killing machine, and I am sort of watching as every little circuit breaker I had instilled to create some kind of inhibition is burned away by ... pure, unreasoning RAGE! It is almost making me giggle with the pure madness of it all!
I think this all started with the growing frustration at being stuck here, and then when I snapped and tried to give that guy a frontal lobotomy, it was all par for the cause. Then, this morning, when I was writing about the stunt of the little mama, I just asked myself, "So, where am I supposed to walk, now, on air?", and that was it. I guess I started really LOSING it then, and came out of the library feeling not frustrated, but... different.
Soon as I got to kalk bay, why, even I do not know right now, because I had NO reason to even want to work, I have food up in the mountain, but I sought sydney out anyway, and while I did his surfboards, it suddenly occured to me that even yesterday, I had been set up, when these women brought a very friendly rhodesian ridgeback and it nuzzled me.
And the fools do NOT even KNOW what the vision stated. I am almost tempted to say, but then, as I pointed out, it involved vinnie, abisha, obert, and a dog, two of them.
And in that vision I was LEAVING anyway!
It was very clear to me what a losing battle I was fighting, because these people EXPECT me to conform to some ideal they think God set up for me, when I, who has seen the TEXTURE of the visions, and do not set great store by them except to find out where I am at, as far as God is concerned, and then, because I HATE them blasted things to begin with, I will NEVER, ever let them dictate my life again, as I used to, when I thought that I was exchanging my mother for another tyrant, God Himself.
And God does NOT want to run my life.
I went up the mountain, last night, and asked Him why the fuck He was giving me such a hard time, , and nothing was clear, and His answer, in Shona, another riddle, was to say that unless I worked for something I would not see the value of it. Something like that. Loses something in the translation, but I saw His point, grudgingly. I would never KNOW what I wanted unless I gambled, and took chances, and ... dared, see?
But I told Him that this was a kak plan of His, and I hated it, and hated everything that was happening, and He replied with a line from shaggy's keeping it real "not everything you want in life is what you really need", and He nailed the coffin to the lid when me, looking at the vision of the white worm, decided that I would NOT kill/send everyone else alive to hell, but just the two assholes, and He said, "... it not right, signs and wonders must follow [you]", and I was like, hmmm!
It is unhygienic, frankly, to leave the bodies lying on the streets, and I hate the buildings of people, AND, while I want my enemies to suffer, I still do not give a fuck about the rest of you people, so, go to hell, and all that. You will be PRECEDED by the gallery woman who has real attention deficit disorder, because no sooner had I turned up, and she was there, and she made herself conspicuous, and well, I have had enough of that mad hag, so I will have her struck by lightning till she is blue-black, and THEN send the carcass to hell, and then these two clowns who have helped set the logs for the fire the crazy woman with her lopsided smile ignited, mike and the pretender, will follow, and then after, everyone else will follow, except for eleven people worldwide that I have decided will NOT see death as everyone else will.
NOW, sweetheart, here is YOUR time. Show me up, and we will forgo the gradual build-up of my anger, and go straight from zero to full-blown war in zero seconds flat.
Come ON>>>> where is your sense of ... adventure?
Have you lost your ... balls?
I mean, you used to take NO time at all correcting me, why start backtracing NOW?Oh, did someone forget to tell you that you will NEVER answer to God, or have me answer to God, but YOU will answer to ME, the idiot you were smarter than?
But, do not wait too long, because way I am going, I am likely to pick a fight with anyone, and the next person I get my hands on I will kill, and this will signal the beginning of the end, because I am not waiting to let anyone get the upper hand over me.
Ask vinnie with his loose tongue.
Fuck, I am getting really.... BAD!
OK, I did NOT read the post I wrote last year, 'earth are run red', but I just skimmed through it, and I admit, my take on God made me ...MAD. That was a lot of bullshit I wrote there.
the ONLY safe way for me is when I decide to be myself FIRST and God and His things can... follow, as I am doing NOW. EAT that fools!
