The funny thing is that I have never ever come upon anyone that has the equivalent of my mental acumen, someone I could converse with as an intellectual equal; and so, when I keep things to myself, that gets taken as stupidity in a way.
I was just thinking about what I saw as I walked from the train station last night, and she was there in her offices, and I waved goodbye to her and then spat to show her she was rubbish to me, and reminiscing about the time she did all but make love to a toyota etios,lying on the bonnet and having her skirt ride up so that elf was getting an eyeful of her thighs, and make such gestures about the wheel of the car, ... like I knew squat about cars.
I figured it was the same here, that I was so dumb to her that I did not even know what to think and she was specifically placed to show me the way forward.
I had a deep talk with God, and was not impressed as I did so, because, hell, He has basically been uprooting me from one possible way of life after another, and I was wondering if, after all His grandiose promises about me actually getting to USE the prodiguous brain that I have for a change, He had run out of steam.
The verdict;- I will be cautious, but I think I am done here.I am moving out.You know the rest, but I am taking it step by step, because this time, I think the end is not going to be some gradual one, but sudden, and very, very violent.
I saw something else yesterday that, on reflection, made me laugh. There is this guy who is shorter than mike, looks like him, and probably, with his wife, runs cape-to-cuba, that restaurant near the train station, and well, the whole morning this car with a ladder on it had been parked across the road from the blasted building, and when she came back, covering her kiddies-wear with an overcoat that did not even reach her knees (she must have an aversion to anything that even smacks of decency, its like she wants herself to be seen by everyone and anyhow, and she struggles to display herself in a manner that, truthfully, I have never ever seen ANYONE else even around her do) he walked into the building, and when he came out, he took a very long time staring at me, like he was at the same time waiting for traffic to clear up so he could cross the road, like I was supposed to be now appeased that since there appeared to be no one that was ... involved... with her, since he was married, and the other GUY who walked in was a moffie (see my point, males, males,males, she is disgusting!) then it was OK, I did not have to blow up.
And here I was, all the time, silly me, thinking that it was pretty obvious that when I said I was here to END lives, I meant just that, and that I had been kept back only because I was uncertain as to whether this woman was actually interested in me, would give up everyone and everything for me, or I would have to just kill her and go on alone, as I had already concluded would be the case, because, to me, being TOLD by someone whose brain is that SMALL that she can not even process the simple things, like if God said He claimed me for Himself, He would not therefore give me a vision or visions which involved other people who would have the ... power... to do with me as they liked, if you get my drift.
I doubt it, but I realise that handling the bare facts is not something that any of you is good at.
Which is why even nowadays I do not argue with people, or publicly show my anger. I let it out when I am sure I am alone, and out of sight.
I have been less than amused over the years with the way my life shaped up. God did it deliberately, choosing His time to make Himself known to me.
A time when I was thinking, i have nothing to live for, as a person, I will learn, go to university, and then get a degree, get a masters, and then conveniently arrange my own demise.
First, there was the blatant challenge that my science teacher made at the time, that I liked the sciences but had no head for them, and so, when he suggested I take up things like literature at 'A' level, during a parents' day tour where my father took notes and my mother made it obvious she would rather be elsewhere, I decided I would take up the sciences any way.
God had happened, and I was becoming a bit self assertive
There is nothing like a bit of approval from The AlMighty to make one start feeling a bit more like there is something that is worth doing before one dies.
Anyway, I aced the sciences, went and did the combination that is known euphemistically as the Most Prestigious Combination, MPC;- Math Physics and Chemistry, and then, as I grasped that the ONLY thing I could become if I passed in Zimbabwe, for foreign lands were anathema to me, would be a doctor, I began to lament my choice.But I had already come upon Olber's Paradox and all those things that mad me wonder just what the fuck was going on out there, the red shift, the blue shift, and I was also, at the time grappling with thoughts of what God expected of me.
Then came the Goldbach Conjecture, and the first time I grasped that God was also into ... math... when He spoke to me about the falco effect, and I became the only person to solve 'the puzzle impossible to solve'
My life became a downward spiral. From being a lackadaisical person drifting with the winds of fortune, life became a series of hair-raising situations where I was forced to make choices that to people at that time made no sense, hell, even to me, and yet, in hindsight, were my reactions to the need to NOT be deeply steeped in life and the ways of people.
I was not just a rebel, I was something else. I was dead set on NOT getting on in life the same way everyone else was.
I wanted something ... easy for me, and there was NO way I could get that without conforming to the standards. I was told, just bear this for a few years, and then, after a while, you can do your own thing. BUT I could not stand even a few days, and I hated God for making me so, unable to compromise that my life had to take these difficult, despicable ways.
yesterday I was asking Him if He had suddenly realised that He could not get me to the US, and I was saying to Him that He had made it impossible for me to die, so, if I ended up stuck here for any longer, them fools would be all the more eager to 'teach' me the right way to live, and was that something I had to put up with any more?
I had dug, found what I was looking for, and now, had no reason to stick around, so, WTF?
As I said, I will be cautious, but I will be very surprised if this week ends like any other. Very surprised!
I was just thinking about what I saw as I walked from the train station last night, and she was there in her offices, and I waved goodbye to her and then spat to show her she was rubbish to me, and reminiscing about the time she did all but make love to a toyota etios,lying on the bonnet and having her skirt ride up so that elf was getting an eyeful of her thighs, and make such gestures about the wheel of the car, ... like I knew squat about cars.
I figured it was the same here, that I was so dumb to her that I did not even know what to think and she was specifically placed to show me the way forward.
I had a deep talk with God, and was not impressed as I did so, because, hell, He has basically been uprooting me from one possible way of life after another, and I was wondering if, after all His grandiose promises about me actually getting to USE the prodiguous brain that I have for a change, He had run out of steam.
The verdict;- I will be cautious, but I think I am done here.I am moving out.You know the rest, but I am taking it step by step, because this time, I think the end is not going to be some gradual one, but sudden, and very, very violent.
I saw something else yesterday that, on reflection, made me laugh. There is this guy who is shorter than mike, looks like him, and probably, with his wife, runs cape-to-cuba, that restaurant near the train station, and well, the whole morning this car with a ladder on it had been parked across the road from the blasted building, and when she came back, covering her kiddies-wear with an overcoat that did not even reach her knees (she must have an aversion to anything that even smacks of decency, its like she wants herself to be seen by everyone and anyhow, and she struggles to display herself in a manner that, truthfully, I have never ever seen ANYONE else even around her do) he walked into the building, and when he came out, he took a very long time staring at me, like he was at the same time waiting for traffic to clear up so he could cross the road, like I was supposed to be now appeased that since there appeared to be no one that was ... involved... with her, since he was married, and the other GUY who walked in was a moffie (see my point, males, males,males, she is disgusting!) then it was OK, I did not have to blow up.
And here I was, all the time, silly me, thinking that it was pretty obvious that when I said I was here to END lives, I meant just that, and that I had been kept back only because I was uncertain as to whether this woman was actually interested in me, would give up everyone and everything for me, or I would have to just kill her and go on alone, as I had already concluded would be the case, because, to me, being TOLD by someone whose brain is that SMALL that she can not even process the simple things, like if God said He claimed me for Himself, He would not therefore give me a vision or visions which involved other people who would have the ... power... to do with me as they liked, if you get my drift.
I doubt it, but I realise that handling the bare facts is not something that any of you is good at.
Which is why even nowadays I do not argue with people, or publicly show my anger. I let it out when I am sure I am alone, and out of sight.
I have been less than amused over the years with the way my life shaped up. God did it deliberately, choosing His time to make Himself known to me.
A time when I was thinking, i have nothing to live for, as a person, I will learn, go to university, and then get a degree, get a masters, and then conveniently arrange my own demise.
First, there was the blatant challenge that my science teacher made at the time, that I liked the sciences but had no head for them, and so, when he suggested I take up things like literature at 'A' level, during a parents' day tour where my father took notes and my mother made it obvious she would rather be elsewhere, I decided I would take up the sciences any way.
God had happened, and I was becoming a bit self assertive
Anyway, I aced the sciences, went and did the combination that is known euphemistically as the Most Prestigious Combination, MPC;- Math Physics and Chemistry, and then, as I grasped that the ONLY thing I could become if I passed in Zimbabwe, for foreign lands were anathema to me, would be a doctor, I began to lament my choice.But I had already come upon Olber's Paradox and all those things that mad me wonder just what the fuck was going on out there, the red shift, the blue shift, and I was also, at the time grappling with thoughts of what God expected of me.
Then came the Goldbach Conjecture, and the first time I grasped that God was also into ... math... when He spoke to me about the falco effect, and I became the only person to solve 'the puzzle impossible to solve'
My life became a downward spiral. From being a lackadaisical person drifting with the winds of fortune, life became a series of hair-raising situations where I was forced to make choices that to people at that time made no sense, hell, even to me, and yet, in hindsight, were my reactions to the need to NOT be deeply steeped in life and the ways of people.
I was not just a rebel, I was something else. I was dead set on NOT getting on in life the same way everyone else was.
I wanted something ... easy for me, and there was NO way I could get that without conforming to the standards. I was told, just bear this for a few years, and then, after a while, you can do your own thing. BUT I could not stand even a few days, and I hated God for making me so, unable to compromise that my life had to take these difficult, despicable ways.
yesterday I was asking Him if He had suddenly realised that He could not get me to the US, and I was saying to Him that He had made it impossible for me to die, so, if I ended up stuck here for any longer, them fools would be all the more eager to 'teach' me the right way to live, and was that something I had to put up with any more?
I had dug, found what I was looking for, and now, had no reason to stick around, so, WTF?
As I said, I will be cautious, but I will be very surprised if this week ends like any other. Very surprised!
