Two Different Worlds

It is kind of hard to be unaffected by the effect I have on people, and now, well, things are getting a bit... tight, for me.
Just now, in the ventersburg library, I was accosted by cops, who wanted to know my ups and downs, and well, I lied, and they ended up with me having to call, on the cell of one of the cops, chihwa tours, and now, as I sit here, I am going to have to think seriously about GOING home.
Before that, a guy from zim sent an email to my dad, telling him what an asshole he is for allowing me to be reduced to 'streetkid' level. I could not lie about the email address, because even these smartphones will tell you the address does not exist, and he was curious as to why a person like me was looking like a ... burghie.

It sort of deflates one to be so caught out. I find myself getting sidetracked. I was thinking, hmmm, now I am going to be angry, but this, this takes the wind out of my sails. I feel a bit like things are sliding out of my control. For one thing, my dad knows where I am, and why, and that sort of sinks any dreams I may have had of doing this thing quietly and going on, carrying on with my life without being accountable. I feel like I did when he had to show up at thornhill and go see the headmistress because i had allowed my temper to get the better of me and put a guy in hospital because he tackled me as I walked home, when I refused to play rugby. I feel like a little kid.

God, how easy it is for everything to suddenly turn on its head, just like that. I think a lot of them fools are gloating. Well, scant consolation as it might be, God had again, while I was still at the turck parking, asked me, "is there any mountain bigger than Him that is/ in the world?", and so, now, while I feel that things are really spiraling out of my control, I am not quite desperate, yet.
there is many a slip between the lip and the cup, and part of me, well, part of me is numb already. I just want this to end. One way or the other. I feel like I have lost out anyway. I have always had my own agenda, and seen it through, but now, things are a bit different. Others have their own agendas, and they can force them through while I am left disoriented.
People, they puzzle me.
God, even worse. 

Of course, all this sucks. To say that i would much rather be dead and just forget about everything seems like one of those cope-out statements, but then, while I can not ignore the fact that I have seriously, vehemently and pointedly tried to off myself in so many ways only to be defeated by things that do not make any sense, and can not be justified by mere logic, well, that makes me aware that I am an oddity in this world. So I can not just ignore that God has had an effect, that his work has impinged on my world, and therefore, while i am odd, I am not necessarily ... wrong.

I am in deep shit.

I could go away, i suppose, but where? To what end? I am a person that is living in two different worlds, one of which I have to let go of.

I am REALLY in deep shit.



Ah, well, that will teach me not to lie. My father is going to kill me. God will bring me back so that my MOTHER will kill me, and then, I will try to kill me.
Oh, hell, I feel so wrong in everything I do, it is giving me a complex already.
When will this end?
Ah, well, I can never complain that I had a boring life.
 My Father will definitely kill me.
I think he was insulted by the truck driver, who was a former soldier and is acquainted with him. And he knew nothing of this. I am dead. I could never live down the shame.
Hell, this is something else. At least no one can say that God was joking when He asked me, "Why be normal?". I am dead, and I am crazy. What a life!