Life for me is simple; if I could sum it up, it would be in the single phrase:-
God does NOT make mistakes
and I would be a very happy man, because to me, if He made the slightest, life would not have a thing to offer. Maybe I am cerebral, maybe, really, as I reported the other time, I DO think of myself as being better than anyone else, and crave the challenge of living my life in a realm where I am using all of my intellectual prowess to show that indeed God does not make mistakes, and so, maybe, that is what accounts for the hesitation again... !
I guess one could say that I am bored, and a life where things are patched up and a single detail is missing, like the famous argument I had with vinnie and the christians about the FACT that jesus boldly stated BEFORE the fact that he would be 3 days and 3 nights DEAD and yet was not, well, that is not a life which I want to live. God has given me great and certainly mindblowing promises, and well, I expect them to all be 100% true, because if they are not, then I am just a terminally ill person that is remarkably healthy when he should have wasted away, and I have nothing to look forward to. Not that I THINK I have anything to look forward to, but, as I read in the Sowetan today, about a woman who traveled from one part of south africa to another by ox-cart, which took months, and then afterwards traveled to europe in a concorde, in a single lifetime, it should not be so difficult to go to the great lengths I have visualised simply because God could not possibly have been joking and made a mistake when He came, imagine all the way from heaven, and told me what He had in store for me, things I would not have dreamed of on my own if left to live life among people, trying to fit in and make ends meet.
I know, because they were sent to me, what is in the visions, and as i have tried to explain plenty of times but no one was paying attention, they were sent to ME because the One Who sent them had fears He wanted to surface and issues that I had locked away resolved, so they were slanted so that I could perceive them in a way that no one else could. Mistake number one is anyone assuming that when I say something and do NOT react the way he or she expects i should, like jesus' idiotic statements when answering the devil, "It is written... " meaning that he chose to be literal rather than trying to figure out what God meant -am I losing you there?- then I am the one in the wrong. Never.
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If one wants honey, one smokes the bees to sleep. One does NOT say that because he or she wants the honey, then it follows that the bees should have no say about it. Argue with a swarm and you will feel the results.
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Everything has to be steeped in reality, although MY reality is a whole lot different from yours in that I use the top down approach, I start with God first and then work my way to the basics, to the ground level, because for some weird reason if God is not involved in it from the outset, then I want nothing to do with it. I do not just get by, I can not afford to. My whole nature, from the way I view things, would not allow me to even remain alive a single instant longer if anything I did I did on my own.
So, I hesitate. Because while I am so unhappy with this one person that I could say I hate her, on the other hand, I can not ignore the conclusions i reached, and realised were tailor made to suit her, and also the effect she... used... to have on me which no one else ever has had. Or other things. Although I can honestly say that, on reflection, I do not at this moment even come within spitting distance of saying I love her. Quite the opposite, in fact. I feel like strangling her, and certainly do not feel at peace with the 'assumption' that she is a virgin, which she MUST be or else she would not last long where i am concerned, because ONLY a woman who has no yardstick to compare me to in THAT department is one that i can even contemplate having a future with.
And, no, there is no one else who comes to mind that I would rather have anywhere near, and I have filtered through everyone and everything.
So, it boils down to this, the Gordian knot if you will, one I can not immediately unravel because it makes no sense that the same One Who 'added 15 years to my life' and then went on to graphically demonstrate just how serious He was in the intervening years, 8 of them now, should make a mistake about... THIS... something which can more easily be proven. Makes no sense at all. So, I am not just hesitant, here, I am in a way stuck. I see no solution to this, and I do NOT make ends meet, no way.
Just spoke earlier about kids, and well, I will NOT have any burden placed on me, something which has raised my hackles from the word go, because i went through that plenty times, all for easy sex, only to realise in the act just how much I was selling myself short, and i have that particular vision, and those peculiar actions, that make me feel very, very unhappy about having anyone even want me to include another person in any involvement with me. Again, the bee thing. You want the honey, you DO NOT upset the bees, and I think no one has a sting even remotely approaching what I can deliver. No one.
So, I am looking at God, and, well, wondering. This all does not add up, no way. Fuck, if she is even seriously contemplating anything, I will say this, bluntly, just so that there is no misunderstanding either way; your whole family will have a very finite time left to live, a very very small time, maybe days, if you should decide to come my way. THAT is not something that will change. THEY are all going to hell. Whether you join them or not is up to you, and another thing, I do not at this point particularly LIKE you, so whatever happens, my eyes will be on any possible action from you or your quarter like a hawk, to strike ruthlessly, because well, I want payback. So, lets be clear where we stand, or do not. I do not give a fuck either way, because you actually ceased to be THAT important the moment I found you in someone else's arms, and that is something that is seared into my memory, and I do NOT forgive.
So, work it out, because right now, I am not even looking or focusing on you, but at God, and i would be glad if there was NOTHING that said that I had to have anything to do with you, and could so conclude with a clear conscience.
I know, because they were sent to me, what is in the visions, and as i have tried to explain plenty of times but no one was paying attention, they were sent to ME because the One Who sent them had fears He wanted to surface and issues that I had locked away resolved, so they were slanted so that I could perceive them in a way that no one else could. Mistake number one is anyone assuming that when I say something and do NOT react the way he or she expects i should, like jesus' idiotic statements when answering the devil, "It is written... " meaning that he chose to be literal rather than trying to figure out what God meant -am I losing you there?- then I am the one in the wrong. Never.
Everything has to be steeped in reality, although MY reality is a whole lot different from yours in that I use the top down approach, I start with God first and then work my way to the basics, to the ground level, because for some weird reason if God is not involved in it from the outset, then I want nothing to do with it. I do not just get by, I can not afford to. My whole nature, from the way I view things, would not allow me to even remain alive a single instant longer if anything I did I did on my own.
So, I hesitate. Because while I am so unhappy with this one person that I could say I hate her, on the other hand, I can not ignore the conclusions i reached, and realised were tailor made to suit her, and also the effect she... used... to have on me which no one else ever has had. Or other things. Although I can honestly say that, on reflection, I do not at this moment even come within spitting distance of saying I love her. Quite the opposite, in fact. I feel like strangling her, and certainly do not feel at peace with the 'assumption' that she is a virgin, which she MUST be or else she would not last long where i am concerned, because ONLY a woman who has no yardstick to compare me to in THAT department is one that i can even contemplate having a future with.
And, no, there is no one else who comes to mind that I would rather have anywhere near, and I have filtered through everyone and everything.
So, it boils down to this, the Gordian knot if you will, one I can not immediately unravel because it makes no sense that the same One Who 'added 15 years to my life' and then went on to graphically demonstrate just how serious He was in the intervening years, 8 of them now, should make a mistake about... THIS... something which can more easily be proven. Makes no sense at all. So, I am not just hesitant, here, I am in a way stuck. I see no solution to this, and I do NOT make ends meet, no way.
Just spoke earlier about kids, and well, I will NOT have any burden placed on me, something which has raised my hackles from the word go, because i went through that plenty times, all for easy sex, only to realise in the act just how much I was selling myself short, and i have that particular vision, and those peculiar actions, that make me feel very, very unhappy about having anyone even want me to include another person in any involvement with me. Again, the bee thing. You want the honey, you DO NOT upset the bees, and I think no one has a sting even remotely approaching what I can deliver. No one.
So, I am looking at God, and, well, wondering. This all does not add up, no way. Fuck, if she is even seriously contemplating anything, I will say this, bluntly, just so that there is no misunderstanding either way; your whole family will have a very finite time left to live, a very very small time, maybe days, if you should decide to come my way. THAT is not something that will change. THEY are all going to hell. Whether you join them or not is up to you, and another thing, I do not at this point particularly LIKE you, so whatever happens, my eyes will be on any possible action from you or your quarter like a hawk, to strike ruthlessly, because well, I want payback. So, lets be clear where we stand, or do not. I do not give a fuck either way, because you actually ceased to be THAT important the moment I found you in someone else's arms, and that is something that is seared into my memory, and I do NOT forgive.
So, work it out, because right now, I am not even looking or focusing on you, but at God, and i would be glad if there was NOTHING that said that I had to have anything to do with you, and could so conclude with a clear conscience.
