Trying Times

From a raging ball of anger, I am discovering a few interesting things about myself, and not the least of these is that there is always a method to my madness. I may not be able to articulate the reasons, there and then, but definitely, I always have a reason for behaving the way I do.
Take for example my reluctance to go home. I left,not because my mother was on my case, but because I had reached a point where it affected me so much I could have killed her. And killing her with my bare hands, that was something that went against everything that is instilled in me. No, from my point of view, if God is involved, then everything has to be done in a manner that makes sure that everyone knows that the person who is doing it is more than just a mere... person.
yeah, I want her dead, that is the simple truth, but I do not want her to suffer.She is, after all, my mother.
That goes almost hand-in-glove with why I made the definitely stupid-seeming move from kalk bay. Maybe them fools did not notice it, but I had had enough, and spending my time thinking of how ...easy it would be to go on the warpath and kill them , again with my bare hands, did not seem to me to be the way to go. So, I decided to walk away, and make a cope-out between going home and not being in kalk bay. And so, I ended up here, in ventersburg, and was berating myself for being so stupid. 
Yesterday was bad. OK, I have not spent a single day without eating at least a loaf of bread and some drink-o-pop, but I was castigating God for not caring, for just letting me suffer all the time, and so, I decided I would hike back to cape town. At least I was assured of regular food, there. I had no money, and so, no one would take me. I would have been despondent but for the fact that I sold vinnie's leather coat which he gave me - my "friend" who understands money and influence so well that he was prepared to sacrifice such a nice item of clothing in the hopes that I could put in a good word for him with my father, after I had kissed his ass, of course, and become the one thing I am NOT, an obedient son- for R15, and bought some food. And decided that maybe going back was not such a good idea. I would still want to kill these people.
It gets interesting, because when I blamed God, I started to 'see', well, from friday night, after the post where I was like, fuck, "You are keeping me here because of this girl?", well, from then on, it was like, things were just unravelling. First, it was the thunder and lightning, and it went on so much at first I thought I was back at the beach, with the breakers smashing against the rocks. But, it was real thunder and lightning, and I lifted my head from where I slept, and made this... astonishing... confession to God, that we may as well stop with all that, because I am not interested in going anywhere without that lady, that I actually wanted her for myself, and so, I would not start on my mayhem till I knew for sure that she had either accepted or rejected me.
He answered, as usual, cryptically, with a dream where I was standing by a counter and He was going, "How can I be your best friend?", the lines from a song by some SA outfit, I think, which, to give it more depth, the song that is, goes

simon peter was your friend

but john was your best...

I wanna be your best friend...

how can I be your best friend?

Well, simon peter, when you look at his association with christ, wanted to do all the things christ could do, and when he walked on water, peter must do the same, when he raised the dead, peter must do the same, even if really he never understood the motive underlying all these things. John, on the other hand, was content to sit in christ's lap.

 Now, I am not a christian, and do not, and will never support the assertion of christians that christ was sent by God. NO, he was acting on his own, and God was not directly involved, except when it was unavoidable.But, here, I guess God was telling ME that I would be better off if I left Him in charge, and did not try to 'take over' because I felt that things could go a different way.

That does not mean, I suppose, that He wants me to 'sit on his lap' forever, it just means that He is the one with the plan, I am just, well, lets face it, reacting. I have a deep personal aversion to killing people with my bare hands. But, of course, as I said before, you people do not really matter. NOT to me. I would be quite glad to get rid of you, permanently, but I do not have to tear my nails to get that done. Which is why I preferred to walk away, all the time, when it gets too much.Of course, you all got your own two bits worth of thought, and you assume what you want to assume, and so, it ought to bother me? Hell, I have stated MY preferences, and they stand as I mentioned them. No one but the people I said would die without going to hell, will die like that. I do not give a fuck who thinks what about it, I am NOT going to let anyone that I can not stand live, and as I mentioned before, I HATE the whole lot of you.
Which brings me to the "family" thing. Now, think about this as being absurd, or whatever, but well, God has been doing weird things in my life that make me take Him at His word more often than, well, literally everytime. I remember once talking about my ailing sister, and defending her by using the words from the song by marshall munhumumwe , and I will pay paryicular emphasis to the following lyrics

ukama ukama chete kani iwe uri wangu

ukama ukama chete kani ini ndiri wako
ukama haugezwe netsvina sesipo

uri wangu iwewe paukama...
musi wenhamo tinochemana ini newe


kinship/blood is blood you are mine

blood is blood I am yours

you can not wash away 'blood'-kinship with soap

you are mine through the shared breast milk

in the day of trouble we console each other

Now, I have had my face ground into the dust by the very same person, the ONLY person that I can say that I find easy to read, and can stand, and so, I have no real hope that she will change and actually take any of this seriously, because I assume that to her, I am a misguided person that needs her tutorship or something in order to get along. So, I am just saying that what I thought... THEN... meant my sister, even concerning the pink panther vision, the beginning of it, did not mean my sister, but rather, the one person I would like to have in my life, if only she could open her eyes and realise that well, her preferrences aside, I AM going to be the last man standing ON this planet, and that is a done deal, whether she likes it or not, and I am NOT interested in saving any of her family, who  have made my life hell and made me decide to rather excuse myself than stay near her, where I would be boiling.
So, here is the deal. I DO have a place of my own, a place prepared for me by obama by virtue of him being the first black man to be president, which makes it easier for me to take over without having to bridge the colour barrier. So, I am going. NO two ways about it.

If she wants to argue about it still, she goes to hell. I think that is clear and distinct. She has a lot of changes to make if she is to come up to MY standards, which is why I am not holding my breath. I have failed hundreds of times already with her, so, well, all I can say is, these are trying times.