I walk into the library a few minutes ago, lugging my bag over one shoulder and my coat over the other and this woman decides to inform me that bags should be left near the door, even points to a sign that says so, helpfully, in afrikaans. We hit it off grandly when I admit that I can not read afrikaans, and i decide to ask about internet access, and she says all you do is register, and the first HOUR is free afterwards and then you pay R5 for the next hour. I register, and i still leave the ID part blank, and hey, presto, it still allows me to go on. On second thoughts, I do not think I registered, but hey, I have a free hour, FREE, in the FREE state. Ironic, when you think of it!
But, I am still going to starve, even if I get to still go online and annoy people. Funny, they say that this is the ORANGE free state, and I have seen a few oranges, maybe I should ask someone for some, and get bloated on them. They do cure scurvy or some such thing and my diet so far has left a lot to be desired. The bad thing is that this seems like it will be a rather protracted thing, when I was thinking of God going for the jugular and stuff. Makes me think of a lot of reasons for this wait, ONE really, but hell, she will never come out of her shell to come HERE? I mean, not only am I likely to strangle her on sight, ONE, but also, she is one of those people that need to be sure of their ground before they even do anything. She is not like me, who has to be sure of his REASONS before jumping into any hair-brained -seemingly- scheme and stick to the results, whatever they are. No, despite various visions that state so, I have a feeling that the love of my life actually has her head so much in the clouds, it is a waste of time to try to inculcate her in my plans. Besides, she has stoutly defended her family, and i am INTERESTED in destroying all of it, and that will definitely NOT endear me to her. And even if she was like, doing it because she was afraid of going to hell, if she believes that to begin with, and not because she is interested in me, I would sniff out the truth, and kill her, eventually. Work my way to it. So, I wonder at God's delay, especially in view of the very disturbing, "through your family I fulfil your dream" speech .
Besides, I think all this is just a waste of time, she is not even reading this. I think that, just like me in jail, she is probably relieved I am a great distance away and unable to bother her anymore. I think that I can honestly say that, as myself, I am a very unlovable person, and I do not wish to delude myself with false hope that she can actually lose sleep over me, that is something that I think is really very silly.
I am a BAD guy from another person's point of view, and that makes me NO good as anything else. Yes, I have seen my idiosyncrasies; the fact that if i were to live alone I would be totally dysfunctional, and end up curling up in a ball and just giving up on life, but that is no reason to imagine that I will have someone for myself simply because I NEED one. There has never been any indication that she would be comfortable with me, alone with me, because always everything has been where other people and their input has been involved, and anyway, where I am concerned, popular opinion has always been against any of my crazy schemes, so, lets face it, I am thinking that all that is happening here, and this time, unlike the wishy-washy promptings of the holy spirit that I gave the boot to long ago, I KNOW that it is God Himself Who is speaking and so, I am worried a lot about what that all means.
yes, I saw her hesitate the day with the dog, when she first glanced my way and saw I was watching her, and well, frankly, I am glad that I was as blind as a bat then, because while I saw her outline very well, I did not catch her features, and so was less affected than I would have been, but when I stared at her and away again, I saw the way she reacted, the way that prompted tony to ask how I could stick around if I scared her so much. I know scared, and while I admit that she has a -for her- healthy dose of fear of me, what I saw was NOT fear. Not of me, but of rejection. The woman was doing the same thing I noticed way back when I thought she was married, and I rejected her, she was... going adrift. Like she had lost her anchor.
Truth is, I guess I fell in love with her a long while ago, and NO ONE has been able to get under my skin the way she has, and that accounts for my rage and 'unreasonable' behaviour. I think I wrote once that she is the one person whose opinion... of ME... matters a great deal, and that is saying much, because i have no interest, frankly, in what anyone else thinks of me, good or bad. Hell, think the worst, if you will, I do not give a fuck. Not really.
So, while i understand that I am NOT being forced to stick around in limbo, again, like the time I used to go sleep by the tracks in claremont, I also do NOT see a way I can get over this same dilemna that ended up with me in a knot and as a raging fireball the first time, this silly woman who wants, from my point of view, to have her cake and eat it.
The family and me, we are mutually exclusive, and I wish I could just have God report her decision via remote and I go on with my life. This is the one time I will be very relieved, for a while at least, that she has told me, drop dead!
I think it is ironic that I travel THIS far only to be stopped by the SAME problem, again!
But, I am still going to starve, even if I get to still go online and annoy people. Funny, they say that this is the ORANGE free state, and I have seen a few oranges, maybe I should ask someone for some, and get bloated on them. They do cure scurvy or some such thing and my diet so far has left a lot to be desired. The bad thing is that this seems like it will be a rather protracted thing, when I was thinking of God going for the jugular and stuff. Makes me think of a lot of reasons for this wait, ONE really, but hell, she will never come out of her shell to come HERE? I mean, not only am I likely to strangle her on sight, ONE, but also, she is one of those people that need to be sure of their ground before they even do anything. She is not like me, who has to be sure of his REASONS before jumping into any hair-brained -seemingly- scheme and stick to the results, whatever they are. No, despite various visions that state so, I have a feeling that the love of my life actually has her head so much in the clouds, it is a waste of time to try to inculcate her in my plans. Besides, she has stoutly defended her family, and i am INTERESTED in destroying all of it, and that will definitely NOT endear me to her. And even if she was like, doing it because she was afraid of going to hell, if she believes that to begin with, and not because she is interested in me, I would sniff out the truth, and kill her, eventually. Work my way to it. So, I wonder at God's delay, especially in view of the very disturbing, "through your family I fulfil your dream" speech .
Besides, I think all this is just a waste of time, she is not even reading this. I think that, just like me in jail, she is probably relieved I am a great distance away and unable to bother her anymore. I think that I can honestly say that, as myself, I am a very unlovable person, and I do not wish to delude myself with false hope that she can actually lose sleep over me, that is something that I think is really very silly.
yes, I saw her hesitate the day with the dog, when she first glanced my way and saw I was watching her, and well, frankly, I am glad that I was as blind as a bat then, because while I saw her outline very well, I did not catch her features, and so was less affected than I would have been, but when I stared at her and away again, I saw the way she reacted, the way that prompted tony to ask how I could stick around if I scared her so much. I know scared, and while I admit that she has a -for her- healthy dose of fear of me, what I saw was NOT fear. Not of me, but of rejection. The woman was doing the same thing I noticed way back when I thought she was married, and I rejected her, she was... going adrift. Like she had lost her anchor.
Truth is, I guess I fell in love with her a long while ago, and NO ONE has been able to get under my skin the way she has, and that accounts for my rage and 'unreasonable' behaviour. I think I wrote once that she is the one person whose opinion... of ME... matters a great deal, and that is saying much, because i have no interest, frankly, in what anyone else thinks of me, good or bad. Hell, think the worst, if you will, I do not give a fuck. Not really.
So, while i understand that I am NOT being forced to stick around in limbo, again, like the time I used to go sleep by the tracks in claremont, I also do NOT see a way I can get over this same dilemna that ended up with me in a knot and as a raging fireball the first time, this silly woman who wants, from my point of view, to have her cake and eat it.
The family and me, we are mutually exclusive, and I wish I could just have God report her decision via remote and I go on with my life. This is the one time I will be very relieved, for a while at least, that she has told me, drop dead!
I think it is ironic that I travel THIS far only to be stopped by the SAME problem, again!
