Even Reluctant Me Knows That I Have to Make a Move... Now

I think I have said all that is necessary for me to say, and more to the point, I am... broke. This is the last R15 I had, and after that, I am facing hunger and all that follows, and I am damned if I am going to look for work. God has claimed me for Himself, and right now, I do not feel like being responsible for my life. I am dog-tired, of everything, and so, I am just waiting for some kind of closure.

Common sense would tell me that I must do something for my self-preservation, but then, hell, I do not even WANT to live, and I guess all I am afraid of is being humiliated somehow. Of stating what I want and then not having it happen. Of basically finding a hole in God's promises. Right now , all morning, He has been telling me not to lose heart, but well, He never seems on the verge of action, a thing which worries me, because everything that happens just seems to happen... naturally... unless I am angry, in which case everything happens... tumultously. But, heck, I do not want to remain in this uncomfortable place, not just geographically, but also, well, socially. I have always contended that if I am such a mistake, let God get rid of me, because I can not change. If I am NOT a mistake, then, hell, let things go the way that at least makes my existence justifiable. Because I can not live in the world of ordinary people, like ONE of them. My heart is NOT in this, not any more.

I have never been able to hide much of what I thought or felt, and I suppose it must have felt weird to other people to see me flare up in cases that did not seem to warrant that, but then, I am honest with myself, what I do not want, I do NOT want. I have just been thinking of the extents that people seem to have been prepared to go to just get me to- I don't know- soften up? Change? I saw Godzilla the other day, as I sat on the street near the offices, and it was the driver's mannerisms that made me wonder if this was not another staged thing. Day after I wrote that I would go looking for a hummer H1. 

Black. First time in real life. It moved so silently I had to almost pinch myself to see if it was really happening. Went fish hoek way.

Now, if someone was stage-managing all this, I wonder just what the fools were thinking. Its not like there has ever been for me any room for compromise. The car display that mike and his ilk gave out effectively weaned me from wanting any sports car- I think I mentioned that- because they took me for some kind of idiot, and from then on, I have not wanted to bother myself with anything they could get their hands on. No, I want what they do not have, and can not get, and i will have that

As the skit above ends, "looks like you got me name confused... and this are the real, dutty rock "

My "rock" is not your 'rock'. Difference between rock and dancehall rock, well, that is the difference between me and you all. Get it into your thick heads, I am NOT interested in anyone's well-being, I want everyone dead, and out of MY way. I am not even interested in arguing about small things, small details, I want everything 100% my way or nothing at all. That is how I roll, so fuck it, all your energies to the contrary, they just make me more and more upset as i ask god if this is what He wanted for me, to be some kind of clown for you fools to mock.

Everything has hardened in my heart, to make me forget all the other things that I used to think mattered, like the opinions of other people. Nothing pisses me off more than anyone who thinks he or she can make me feel guilty, or thinks he or she can play on some perceived weakness of mine. I am like the octopus, if i feel that a limb of mine is about to be used, i will bite it off, and remain with none. I will NOT be used. NOT by anyone. Ever.

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I have known where i am coming from, where I am going, and maybe i was a bit tentative before, but despite the opposition, I would sit back, ask myself if that was what I wanted, and carry on. You never caught on, because you were always a few steps behind, and thinking, "oh, no, even he needs someone in his life, so we find that one we can use that to pull him down" Well, the tables have turned, my policy is this, I am going to kill you all anyway, do you still want to play "chicken" with me? Stupid, pathetic fools!

Earth are run red
watch the places you walk and mind the way you talk

watch out for the vampire who will sneak up in the dark

watch out for the big time crook who claims say that them smart

while them bringing the crack and the gun fir go mush up the youth them heart 

earth are run red

turn around the whole are them are seek tea-bread

I hear that next you dead

Your world, fools is about to end, and it is a matter of time. I am doing what I have always done to make God act, put myself in a difficult position where, with normal senses, ordinary eyes, it is impossible to get out of unless I can JUST STOP BEING ME FOR A SECOND! Which is where He kicks in. Watch, this is bound to be interesting. Very interesting.No ONE does Possessive like the Almighty God. All I have to do is sit and take it all in.