Stepping Up To RED Alert

 When all is said and done, I suppose that the reason why I am/was hesitating was because I was trying to figure out ... WHY... just so that I could move on, and forget about 'love' and all that bullshit

I confess to have had a chink in my armour exposed and exploited so brutally I have never actually recovered from it, and now, I suppose the only way to ever get any closure is to cauterise the wound and just get done! I have had a grim satisfaction in knowing that I have, and provoking also, the hatred of people, just so that it becomes crystal clear how I want everyone out of my way, and so, what is left now, is to summon my latent capabilities and go on a full-scale war and end your lives.

Your "rights" are non-existent, because I override every single one of them. This is, basically, about 'might'. I could smile and engage in debate, and go on and on trying to hedge my bets, but what it boils down to is, Either I bend and accept your way of life and make do like one of you, Or I just accept that I am what I am, an antisocial, psychopathic, homicidal human being that can not tolerate other human beings, sentient creatures or anything that has the 'breath of life' in it to be anywhere near me. I think I will go for the latter. I do not think God gave me power over the earth, the ability to affect the weather, just so that I can make people have plentiful harvests. He promised never to destroy the earth again for the man's sake, with a flood, but then, this will NOT be His doing, it will be MINE, and so, I PROMISE to destroy the earth with a combination of floods, earthquakes, tsunamis and well, my personal favourite, the ground suddenly opening up and sending live specimens straight to hell. And i know just which ones, too!
All along, because God has deliberately been cryptic, I have been confused and uncertain about the things He has said, and done, and it is only by looking at myself, as I tried the past few days, or more accurately, the past few hours, that I even get a hint of what He meant; when I look at myself.

I am not expecting sympathy, but then, I have nothing to hide, and so, I will lay it out like it is. I have never known pain the like of which I have got at the hands of this woman. Maybe it is because, deep down, while I may have had affection for other people, I have not actually cared for anyone, but I was surprised, especially after observing the woe-begone expression on her face when she first walked right past me after i had 'rejected' her because she wore a wedding ring, that, gloves off, here was a person that I could not just ... ignore. I mean, I can walk into a room, and people will see either what I want them to see, or what they want to see, but in every situation, the real me would be invisible. I felt like frodo baggins in "Fellowship of the Ring" when he put on his ring and yet was still visible to tom bombadil where this woman is concerned, like I got spotted by a very 'seeing' eye. I have never felt so bare, so ... stripped  to the core as when she was around. Everyone else, I can block off, my mother, even my sisters, because I have a measure of them, but I found it impossible to ... pretend... that I had a thick skin whenever she was in the vicinity. And boy, did I suffer for it.
An image that I can not get out of my mind is seeing her walking, with a plastic bag, dressed in a black outfit that left nothing to the imagination, for all purposes being chatted up by this guy as she made her way back from the harbour, and she was pointing to the blasted building as if to say, "that is where I work" and the guy, some pushy arrogant asshole, was strutting around the way a person does when he is maing some headway with a chick. I felt INSANELY jealous and wanted to kill her. Come to think of it, that was when I had just decided NOT to kill her that she decided to act thus. I think I recorded that.
Then comes the time I was coming from wynberg, and as I passed that la parada of his, there was mike, with red-breeches at the counter, outside, while she sat with the pretender, who bowed his head as I walked past, and they were all having such a jolly time, and laughing aloud, and it was as if I was not even there, and when I said, to myself, "yes!", now I can  move on... well, the truth was, something was still missing, as far as I was concerned.  Then there was the flower incident, where she is standing, again with the pretender, and I figured out that this was all some set-up thing, and yet, it still bothered me a lot. Everything still bothers me a lot. I am, OK, I was about to say NOT emotional, but I admit I have never seen anyone who is so completely at the mercy of his emotions as I am, but I tend to ignore people, but where she is concerned, I have this hot searing pain in my heart, and sometimes, I find myself gasping, like a balloon flier that has gone too high and found nothing but rarified air so that he can not breathe. Unfortunately, because of my inability to forget, everything still comes in waves, fresh as ever, anytime I even turn my mind towards the woman. And, boy, it hurts like hell. And this is something I have no armour or shield against.

And how about the worst thing I have had to live through, something that I not only did NOT expect, but which sent such shock waves through my system that I began, from that time to go on an emotional shutdown, stepping up my efforts to just END the whole business and take on what is mine, which is, this earth. I tried to walk away, and yet, they say that hope springs eternal, even in the breast of someone as... vile?... in everyone's sight as I am. I found myself clinging to the pacifying statement by God when I walked in on The Kiss, or is The Kisses, as the two sat on the bench, "peace, be still", and while a part of me was detached enough to see that all this was another orchestrated thing, I can not hide the fact that I was rocked to the core. And that day, everyone close to her earned my undying hatred. I have tried to figure out why, but I suppose that is of no significance now. She probably had the same mindset as delilah with samson, find his weakness and use it to bring him down and save my people.
Unfortunately, I am under God-life support, and all that that means, which means no weapon ultimately succeeds against me. She failed to achieve what she wanted, she just made me angry. And now, I do not even want to find out whether I matter or not, to her. I just want to get some measure of revenge so that she feels some of the pain she caused, magnified a billlion times, yes?
YEAH-SSS.
Moving up to Red Alert. Prepare for War!