I Am Thinking I Am Going To Flop... Big Time

OK, so I am Mr-Negative, and despite the fact that God has been re-iterating that He will not let me fall, I can not but dread that I am going to end up with my face full of... shit. I am thinking I am going to flop, big time. I am already gnawing at the last R100 I had, and the funny thing is, I am so... weary... bone-tired, that I can not look for work. Seven years ago, it would have been different, I had some anger to sustain me, but now, I am all burnt out. I am NOT lazy. Just tired of life. I just want to... rest. My own life is a huge burden to me, so much so that I can not even sustain it. Maybe that is why now, more than ever, the 'essence of survive' is more and more obvious, like where I slept... .

I do not suppose anyone can ever... understand how it feels to be me. I think that I am probably the most pathetic human being alive, because everyone else has this get-up-and-go and they move around with some purpose. As for me, I have been stripped of all that by recent events, and, maybe, self-awareness. I look at the deadness in my own eyes, and I know that I am not even able to lift a hand to further my own life, to help myself. Yesterday, after I quit this cafe, I decided to find a place to sleep, and walked down this side road and ended up by a bridge, and I curled up in some grass and slept the remainder of the day away, only to be awoken by droplets of rain. I thought, oh, fuck, and decided to crawl under the bridge, and there was a sort of ... bed that someone had arranged at one end. I slept in relative comfort, because I had frankly been worrying about my hips on the hard ground. I am getting rather picky there. I can stand anything, but lately I have not been able to lie on hard ground, and I worry  a lot about the discomfort.
I am a dead man walking. I can not for the life of me think of what to do with myself. I guess, if I am honest with myself, what God brought back to life was, is, a being that really can not even begin to understand the mundanities of life. I am completely lost when it comes to... anything. I have amused myself by my total failure to understand even the basics of life, and when it comes to even cooking, I found, even when I stayed in a house, that I was... scared... of the stove. I had to have someone to cook for me, which, I suppose, is the reason I even stayed with that home-girl faith I mentioned, because when I thought of myself being responsible for my own well-being, I was like, bug-eyed with fear. I had a whole flat to myself, and what was I to do with it, with ... me?
So, now, I am similarly worried.
Seems my life is going to stretch on and on, and I want to run to the hills or be like the ostrich and hide my head in the sand. I am going to flop. That is all I see.
Hell, I am mechanically minded, but I was just thinking, how the hell am I going to do the simple basic things in life, like even remember to... gather food. I am totally lost there. Guess if there ever existed a person that NEEDED someone just so that I could live, then it is me, but tough, I seem to always make either the wrong choice when it comes to women, or... I make the wrong choice.

"someone who truly understands/ how to treat a man... "

this is what I need/ is a pretty woman next to me/to share the dreams that I believe/.../someone who truly understands/how to treat a man/this is what I need

Seems every woman wants to... correct me. Think there is a chance that I can ever actually swerve from the path God sets me on, seeing as He is the only One that can really understand me. I know that all this sounds rather bizzare, but hell, as i have said maybe a lot of times before, I can not even imagine taking the initiative on anything unless God was the instigator of whatever it is. I am too scared of life to be like everyone else, and just take whatever I want, and do as I wish. Everything I view with the utmost suspicion, and it is only when I am convinced that God is Ok with it that I even bother saying anything, or going after it. Hell, I would never even have left zimbabwe unless He had said something about it, and even now, I would never have decided to say what I did about everyone dying unless I was convinced that He was 100% behind it. I do NOT act independent of God. I may not be at ease around Him, but I am not an independent entity.  No, which is why I am so comfortable blaming Him when things do not happen the way I expect.

I am a person who is on God-life support, and it has never been as obvious as NOW, when I realise just how MUCH I depend on Him. For even the basics. For everything. Reminds me of the "in Him we live and move and have our being, and existence exists in Him, and to him who sees will go the crown" vision.

But the thing is, NO ONE can apparently handle me the way I... are.

Which makes me wonder at God. Apparently there was a ... point... to my going online and divesting myself of all sorts of cover and showing myself in my real nature. But whether, as I assume when I am not so negative, the person at who all this was aimed actually GETS it that this is what I really am and can accept me as I am, well, that is at the most very debatable.
I will not be so hasty as to say that God is crazy. But I have deep reservations about the use of all... this. I am not sure that anything can or will be served by this. 
God has been throwing all these other things into the mix, like the weather aspect,and other things, and I have been cool with that. I am and will always be, a killer, whether I do it in my mind or physically, it is something that is in me, because I can not stand ... life, free-flowing around me. Yet I am, in a manner, alive, if you call breathing-and even then sometimes for no apparent reason I find I can NOT breathe and I have to strain and choke just to clear the air passages- being alive. But I can not GET it about life. It makes sense to work and make money and get along in life, but my own life is like a heavy load on my back, and this load has become heavier with the passage of years, and I can not, now, do what I used to when I, for instance, left home. I can not even pretend that I would be able to do what I used to. This time, I am just, plain, me, and I worry now. I worry a lot, now. I am not scared, ultimately, that I would be a loser, no God has been too meticulous for that, but, hell, I am worried that, even from MY point of view, I am not what anyone would call a 'suitable' mate.
And the funny thing is having these heart-stopping moments when you grasp just how deeply you have grown to care for just one person, and she has her own agenda, and well, things do not seem to look like they will ever work out.

God said something that well, made me smile wryly, the day I left the western cape, right when I was still on the mountain, "I know no defeat", and well, that is ME. I have never failed in my purpose, not in anything I have ever ventured in.You wont ever get me with my pants down. It just does not happen. You may bury me in tons of dirt, but i will come out of it.
No one will ever catch me riding dirty.

who can be the boss
hook up to the cross
stranded in the land of the lost
standing up of sideways
I'm blazing up the path
on and on the highways around... .

headstrong...
twelve rounds of throw down

until you dissolve
 I revolve 
around everything you got

It aint easy being greasy
in a world full of cleanliness and...

I do not think that, after this, I will have anything further to say. I am going on shutdown. Complete shutdown. He can take over and fulfill His word His way, I do not think He needs help from me.
The "player" is all played out!

because when I arrive

I, I bring the fire

make you come alive
I can take you higher

what this is, forgot

I must now remind you

let it rock, let it rock

I wish I could be

as cool as you

and I wish I could say

the things you do

but I cant 
and I wont live a lie

no, not this time!

the FIRST song said it all for me

Tired of being what you want me to be
Feelings so faithless
lost under the surface
don't know what you expecting of me
but under the pressure
of walking in your shoes
(caught in the undertow
 just caught in the undertow)
every step that I take 
is another mistake
 to you
 (caught in the undertow
just caught in the undertow)


I've become so numb
I cant feel you there
become so touched
so much more aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you


cant you see that you're
 smothering me
holding so tightly
afraid to lose control
coz everything that you thought I would be
has fallen apart
right in front of you
every step that I take
is another mistake to you
and every second I waste
is more than I can take...

and I know
that I may end up failing too
but I know
that you were just like me
when someone disappointed you

Of course i am negative about everything, but I am the guy who went ahead anyway and solved the Goldbach Conjecture because I had started it, and even when I was doing it I was not so sure that God would help me in it. I remember the reasons why I even started with the thing. I needed to get under my mother's thumb, and so, after reading something about God, I decided to draft a sort of document, which in retrospect was actually telling God, OK, You help me do this, I give You some money as tithes, and the remainder goes to my mother and I can ... die.. in peace.
No wonder I never got the money.
God was not and will never be interested in that. NO, later He was to be quite specific, and hell, I am NOT making this up, He DID say it, and why, I do not quite know. I guess I am the ONLY living being that actually NEEDS Him, everyone else has some kind of back-up. He DID say, "I have claimed you for Myself", and that was it for me . I knew from then on that my life would never be mine to live, and He took me back in time, to when He first became involved, and now, what with my spinal chord getting all hot and me so weary, I suppose that I can not escape the simple truth, that if He even drops me for a second, I am a dead man. How does that song go? "When I am down, and oh my soul so weary/when troubles come/ and my heart burdened be/ then I am still and wait here in the silence/ until You come and sit awhile with me..."

Maybe it seems unfair to the rest of you, but that is NOT my concern; I have never been able to figure out other people's viewpoints on anything, I make my decisions and then I am done.
I have always looked to God, which for me has been sufficient. I can not afford mistakes, because they are very painful, and far as i have seen, God is the only One Who never makes them, and so, no wonder my life is under His direct control. I am NOT like you mere humans. God is in total control. So, eat that! This is a God-and-me thing