While I May Never Walk Alone, Loneliness Knows Me By Name

I was just laughing at myself and at the things I have done in trying to figure out what God meant in certain instances, most of which, because of my view of God, or what I assumed He meant because of the situations I was in, was pretty absurd, to begin with. Take the cryptic, "Unseen Academicals" quote which made me go all over the place, when all He was pointing out was that I was not showing myself as I really am, but hiding behind a need to blend in, to be accepted. When the reality is that, not only does there not exist anyone remotely LIKE me, I myself do not even WANT to be like anyone, nor do I like anyone, nor do I care to be liked by anyone, when it gets down to it.

Who can ever say he died and came back to life? Ok, some may, and some will point out to jesus and all that bullshit, but then, soon as he came back to life, the earth became more or less off limits to him, and he then sat, and waited, and waits, for God to give him the rule of the earth. Well, let him hold his breath for a little longer, because, well, the king of the earth, he is about to be ... unleashed. Now, I know I sound really crazy, and I know that people rate others by their past successes, in which case i am poor at everything, and a certified failure, but how can I EXPLAIN that I know that now, NOW, there is a change in the air that I can feel, there is a wind that is blowing that is charging me up, revitalising me, and making me become the person I have always longed to be inside. I am looking up, and I have arrived at an inner peace that is not quite the result of anything that has happened, or is going on around me. I have come to understand the simple statement that God made, the one I had trouble with from the time I read this guy's book, "Holy Burnout" to now, when I wondered what God means, "Be still and know that I am God".Psalm 46:10, I guess. I will check.
yep. it goes, the whole verse:-

be still and know that I am God

I will be exalted among the heathen

I am exalted in all the earth

I often wondered what He meant, and that, together with the Isaiah 6 vision, made me wonder just when or how, 'king uzziah' would die in my life. But I guess the whole point was what I failed to register even at the beginning, that in the beginning, it was God Who started this, God Who walked into my life, and made me into what I am, and I have been... to be honest... afraid of Him, of what He may want, because I always assumed that all I was good for was the rubbish treatment. That is why I lived and live the way I do, and just wander around and have not much self respect, because I expected to be treated by Him the way those 'close' to me had treated me, like rubbish, like trash. And now, now I know what it feels like to 'be still'.
To stop fighting and rearing like a bucking bronco,  a horse that has to be reined in otherwise it will not listen. For once, in my life, I can stop looking down and look up and fix my eye on the face of God,  and know that I am not NOTHING to Him, that I matter a great deal more than even I can at present appreciate, that He sort of made up His mind to bear me long before I ever thought the day would come when I would not always be cursing Him and wanting to break free of Him.

He says, in another psalm, 

I will guide you with My eye

do not be like the horse or the mule

that need to be bridled, 

otherwise they will not listen to you

I am pretty sure i have it figured out, or rather, I have attained peace with God, because as I figured out long ago, 'righteousness' is actually accepting that, instead of going all rogue and then wanting God to jump in at the end, like christ did, everything begins with God, and once God is the first, the Beginner, then everything flows the way it should. I suppose that, in a way, I can say that I did not choose God, He chose me, so why should I try to be the one driving things. No, He knows what He is doing, and He is in charge. He will see to it that what He promised comes true. I only have to be myself, and stop pretending that I am ... how shall I say... responsible? Or in a mood to negotiate about stuff. Or interested in alternative ways? Get the drift?

 I even think now of the vision where he incoporated paul's statements, myles munroe's preaching, and then added His own subtext:-

In Him we live and move

and have our being

and existence exists in Him

and to him who sees

will go the crown

I suppose that what I am SAYING is, this may be all unpalatable to all of you, but I am NOT only NOT interested in acting on my own- I am dead, what kind of ambition do I have?- but also, I am NOT acting as I just arbitrarily decide. Whatever power, whatever success, I may have, it all comes first, straight, from God, because, frankly only He can provide the 'clean' place where I can take off my shoes and not have any thorns pierce me. I can then say that anyone who fights me, well, is NOT waging war against me alone, but against the One Who started all this, the One in overall charge.
just in case you think there will be a tribunal, let me set you straight:- while I say that God is in overall charge, that does NOT mean that He will arbitrate between me and anyone. No, what I mean is that He and I will sit and talk, and He will look at me, and I will look at Him, and we will look at the situation and then, decide what is to be done. People do not enter into it. This is strictly between me and Him, and there is no one else included. Because only before Him can I be myself.
now, frankly, I am ready for people to die, and I want people to die. I am not afraid of being alone, because I have been alone in the most telling way possible, and have endured it, and so, being physically alone is not a challenge. After all, I never did like and I never will love fans!

So, let us see, shall we not, what happens now, yes? YEAH-SS!
My day is here. I can feel it.

I can almost feel myself at the controls of a plane.
how difficult can it be to fly one of those things?
I mean, there is a word that they use, "ergonomics' I guess, to describe the logical placing of things. If one wants to effect some change, then one has to have a conveniently placed 'effector' lever or button or switch and all I need to do is put myself in the engineer's shoes, and then, presto, it will come naturally.