The thing is, when you have grown up like I have, with the most influential person in your life basically telling you that you have no ... right... to life, it tends to be difficult for you to do what comes instinctively to everyone else, and that is, state your interests and preferences. You tend to put yourself last, and worse, when God showed up, with His possible futures, I always started with what is, and has been shown to be, absurd. The mistake I always make is trying to see things from His perspective, and not just being... me... about it
BUT, there is always that last line, when everything else has been exhausted, and every other line crossed, that ω , that last line of defense, when I say, 'hey, wait a minute, fuck all these visions and stuff, I am actually thinking THIS about everything", and then, I find my inner peace, and know how to go on.
I have been on and on about the girl, and how skeptical I am about God living up to His promises, but the fact of the matter is, I have NOT stated what I THINK about all that. God can fulfill His promises very well without my help, so I will for a moment turn away from that, because last night, when I was ... confused... at the rage that was erupting in me whenever I thought of even being CLOSE to that woman, and having it thunder with flashes of lightning and thankfully, very little rain, I ended up confessing to God that because she had put me through such hell, and seemed to think it OK to slap me about if I did not behave, I was really, really angry with the girl and did not even want her anywhere in my life. I found that I could even say that I despised her so much that if she was the only person I could stand, I would rather have no one near me. I think I hate her, and well, that is not an idle conclusion.
I do not know what she views me as, but I think it has always been as the kind of guy that must mind his 'p's and 'q's around her, the kind of person that knows nothing and should be told what to do and follow it, without question. I mean, to not only not hesitate to have me locked up because i am not following her supposed script, and then, after that, to have the gall to come and see if i had changed and was now supportive of mike and the pretender being somewhere in the equation, and threaten to have me locked up again if i did not behave this time, it takes a special kind of... conceit, I think, and a special kind of contempt for the person that you are so treating.
Many people have come under my scrutiny and earned my undying hatred-and hence well, condemnation to hell- for much less. Its like the stupid bitch was telling me, like my uncle's dog, stroke me and remember your job, or I will show just how deep my teeth can sink into your skin.
The fool has really, even up to now, NO idea just Who the fuck she started to mess with, right?
So, let me re-introduce myself, just so that you all know what are gwaan up.
I am the guy that comes from three generations of men-me included- that should have known better about ... women and childbirth ( read Exodus 20, the ten commandments, where God is explicitly saying that one should NOT make unto himself any ... image -I mean, come on, so and so had a son in his own image- and He would visit the iniquity of the FATHERS upon the shildren to the 3rd and 4th generation of those that hated Him, that is disobeyed Him) .
I am the guy that first, my mother would rather give up to God by calling me 'tungamirai' (God lead) than hand over to my biological father so that he could be the 'head' over my life. God accepted, and I am the guy that He took for Himself even from the time I was so named and made sure that not even attempted-and successful- murder could rob me of the life that God considered more precious than any.
I am the guy that God personally, in the turbulent years of puberty, took under His wing and His first instruction, or point of note, was not to go down the same road everyone had gone down, bowing down to a woman's whim and running after her simply because she expected it even when I knew that she had despised me on sight, only changing her mind when she read what I had written(:=> look up what I wrote on "what tangled webs we weave")
I am the guy He gradually showed the Awesome Power He had placed at my disposal, and the fact that I get to choose what 'kind' of world I like. I am whether you like it or not, the α and the ω, in that I have ABSOLUTE and UNCOMPROMISING authority to do as I see fit, in any place I see fit.
That is the guy she was having a pissing contest with, going toe to toe with Prince AlMighty, the ONLY person that can baldly state that he is God and be absolutely sure about it.
I am NOT amused. And right now, I am asking myself, from the point of view of God not making mistakes, just what the fuck I am doing still even THINKING of that woman, when I could be gone and ... cooking... food, for a change. And having a shower. And sleeping in a bed, with no animal of any kind to interrupt my life- although I must say that I LOVE meat, and will miss it- because there will be no reproduction. Well, in the book gone tomorrow, the author mentions a checklist about potential suicide bombers, and well, if i applied it to MY case, then she almost fits the profile of a person who despised me from the word go, except for the very small discrepancy of how she behaved when in my vicinity. Now, I have problems with people, and have gone through various alternatives as far as women are concerned, only to discover what I really wanted, and that was someone that I would have no problem ... reading. And in my whole life, no one has been easier to decode than that woman, and I could be telepathic as far as she is concerned, because I do not have to look at her twice and try to filter through the bullshit to see what she is thinking. Yet she so pissed me off that I am at times quite willing to go back and strangle her, for belittling me so much.
No, as she is, she is totally unacceptable to me.
I think that I must resign myself to having her dead.
I MUST move on, and you all must die. I am tired of this ... stasis. Dog tired
I have been on and on about the girl, and how skeptical I am about God living up to His promises, but the fact of the matter is, I have NOT stated what I THINK about all that. God can fulfill His promises very well without my help, so I will for a moment turn away from that, because last night, when I was ... confused... at the rage that was erupting in me whenever I thought of even being CLOSE to that woman, and having it thunder with flashes of lightning and thankfully, very little rain, I ended up confessing to God that because she had put me through such hell, and seemed to think it OK to slap me about if I did not behave, I was really, really angry with the girl and did not even want her anywhere in my life. I found that I could even say that I despised her so much that if she was the only person I could stand, I would rather have no one near me. I think I hate her, and well, that is not an idle conclusion.
I do not know what she views me as, but I think it has always been as the kind of guy that must mind his 'p's and 'q's around her, the kind of person that knows nothing and should be told what to do and follow it, without question. I mean, to not only not hesitate to have me locked up because i am not following her supposed script, and then, after that, to have the gall to come and see if i had changed and was now supportive of mike and the pretender being somewhere in the equation, and threaten to have me locked up again if i did not behave this time, it takes a special kind of... conceit, I think, and a special kind of contempt for the person that you are so treating.
Many people have come under my scrutiny and earned my undying hatred-and hence well, condemnation to hell- for much less. Its like the stupid bitch was telling me, like my uncle's dog, stroke me and remember your job, or I will show just how deep my teeth can sink into your skin.
The fool has really, even up to now, NO idea just Who the fuck she started to mess with, right?
So, let me re-introduce myself, just so that you all know what are gwaan up.
I am the guy that comes from three generations of men-me included- that should have known better about ... women and childbirth ( read Exodus 20, the ten commandments, where God is explicitly saying that one should NOT make unto himself any ... image -I mean, come on, so and so had a son in his own image- and He would visit the iniquity of the FATHERS upon the shildren to the 3rd and 4th generation of those that hated Him, that is disobeyed Him) .
I am the guy that first, my mother would rather give up to God by calling me 'tungamirai' (God lead) than hand over to my biological father so that he could be the 'head' over my life. God accepted, and I am the guy that He took for Himself even from the time I was so named and made sure that not even attempted-and successful- murder could rob me of the life that God considered more precious than any.
I am the guy that God personally, in the turbulent years of puberty, took under His wing and His first instruction, or point of note, was not to go down the same road everyone had gone down, bowing down to a woman's whim and running after her simply because she expected it even when I knew that she had despised me on sight, only changing her mind when she read what I had written(:=> look up what I wrote on "what tangled webs we weave")
I am the guy He gradually showed the Awesome Power He had placed at my disposal, and the fact that I get to choose what 'kind' of world I like. I am whether you like it or not, the α and the ω, in that I have ABSOLUTE and UNCOMPROMISING authority to do as I see fit, in any place I see fit.
That is the guy she was having a pissing contest with, going toe to toe with Prince AlMighty, the ONLY person that can baldly state that he is God and be absolutely sure about it.
I am NOT amused. And right now, I am asking myself, from the point of view of God not making mistakes, just what the fuck I am doing still even THINKING of that woman, when I could be gone and ... cooking... food, for a change. And having a shower. And sleeping in a bed, with no animal of any kind to interrupt my life- although I must say that I LOVE meat, and will miss it- because there will be no reproduction. Well, in the book gone tomorrow, the author mentions a checklist about potential suicide bombers, and well, if i applied it to MY case, then she almost fits the profile of a person who despised me from the word go, except for the very small discrepancy of how she behaved when in my vicinity. Now, I have problems with people, and have gone through various alternatives as far as women are concerned, only to discover what I really wanted, and that was someone that I would have no problem ... reading. And in my whole life, no one has been easier to decode than that woman, and I could be telepathic as far as she is concerned, because I do not have to look at her twice and try to filter through the bullshit to see what she is thinking. Yet she so pissed me off that I am at times quite willing to go back and strangle her, for belittling me so much.
No, as she is, she is totally unacceptable to me.
I think that I must resign myself to having her dead.
I MUST move on, and you all must die. I am tired of this ... stasis. Dog tired
