1) The MAJOR factor:-
GOD:- He has never DONE anything for me. He has done something TO me, made it impossible for me to die, but from the beginning, when He started to talk, or when He introduced Himself to me, He would speak, and then He would let me work out things by myself. Or grant me my 'requests', sometimes before I even asked them of Him, like the very obvious disturbance over the weather that is at present taking place because I am finally taking off the veil and letting myself be me. In short, if someone were to say that, for example, God came into my life to show me love because i was unloved and then later get down to business, the WAY God behaves with people would give the lie to that. I am not talking angels and His spirit or jesus, who come in one guise and then go, like gabriel with zechariah, john the baptist's subsequent father, "what, do you not know just how important I am? I see the face of God daily, you SOB?". NO, God knows Who He is and does not need to sound a trumpet for that. if He was after something, He would have got down to business from the word go, and that is how He has behaved with everyone, from the get go. So, He has behaved different with me in that how He began, by just showing up and in effect putting His feet up, was exactly how He intended to continue, and I have had to work this out slowly, till finally, I am where I am. Take even when i was labouring with the Goldbach Conjecture. He did not give me a break, but instead, when I was at the point of asking myself just what the fuck I was doing, He showed His support and yet also His stance where I am concerned, that I could handle whatever came my way by telling me to 'try the falco effect', and I did, and thought it useless anyway, but well, it has sort of led from COUNTING NUMBERS to ... this, and I am sure i am about to use what I discovered about numbers in my subsequent... research.
I am NOT JUST a person. I have been gradually infused with power by God, and I have at my disposal ALL I need to be what I need to be, and the ONLY reason why I am at present NOT being that happens to be a lady, and well, I have hit upon an audacious, crazy, cruel and utterly reckless way of resolving this issue.
Now, I am what I am, and that is, a jealous, unreasonable person, and from where I stand, I NEED to get this woman, who is the only person that operates in that grey area of my life, to well, frankly, hate me enough to shift over totally to one side. The thing is, she has shown me what she prefers, and that is unacceptable to me. So, I must make sure that I drive her into a corner, and she has this thing about her mike and that... 'brother' of hers and all those people of hers and she wants them to live, and I must somehow make it happen, if I want her in my life. That actually says nothing about whether she wants ME in her life, and so, I am going to assume that she is only interested in them. So, I am going to do a daring thing. I have no pride to lose, and all I need is to confirm the vision that had me seeing her in wedding rings (and all that other bullshit, like she was instructing ME about what I should look out for, silly fool) from the beginning, the first part of which has this coloured chick, nicky, who was staying with her malawian boyfriend at her mother's place, heavily pregnant, going, "so what am I, a recess project?"
Funny, thing that, because it was only at ventersburg, here, where I got off for a recess that has extended into a now almost three week stay, that I figured out what He had really meant, and learned that with God, things will be fulfilled in their own time. Good news for me is that no one believes me, and so, all I need is to show up in kalk bay, and all I need to do is see her still working for mike, and or still anywhere near those males, and I can write them all off. I mean, this will never change, those fools, she pissed me off with, they are dead, no two ways about it, but she is the one person that is keeping me still on tenterhooks. And I hate being derailed by anyone. So, tomorrow, since there is nothing doing, I am getting on a truck, and coming over. Its a twelve hour trip. And all I need is just that, a simple thing. Then I am gone. Because I can not abide sharing something, or even grey areas.So, who dares, wins, and I dare, and well, I am going to be disagreeable, but what the hell, I never wanted fans. I have still, up to now, NO idea just how she got past my defenses. And it irritates me to know that I care so much about someone that is probably all delilah to my samson.
Fuck it, I want an end to this.
So, I have been wandering about, time not wasted, because i have had time to lick my wounds, almost in private, and now, I just want this all to be over with so I can move on. Like the lord of the earth that I am.
2) Home (THROUGH THORNS TO THE TOP)
I was laughing at myself when I finally realised that no ONE actually forced me to go home, I was sort of thinking God had to DO something so that He could live up to His word, not realising that I was letting my self-destruct tendencies blind me to the radical shift that has been occuring throughout the years since I first decided to mis-behave, and ostracised myself from my family;- I am quite simply NOT the kind of person that is answerable to anyone, and I do not have to
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be in any way conventional or to please anyone but myself. the laws and rules that you people follow have absolutely NO bearing on me, and I can do as I please just because I have left home, for ever, and I do not have a thing to prove, nor do I have to answer to, my parents. I guess that is what rumble is for, for steerage, even through thorns, just so that I become the person God 'saw' from the beginning, YEAH-SSS!
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I am NOT JUST a person. I have been gradually infused with power by God, and I have at my disposal ALL I need to be what I need to be, and the ONLY reason why I am at present NOT being that happens to be a lady, and well, I have hit upon an audacious, crazy, cruel and utterly reckless way of resolving this issue.
Now, I am what I am, and that is, a jealous, unreasonable person, and from where I stand, I NEED to get this woman, who is the only person that operates in that grey area of my life, to well, frankly, hate me enough to shift over totally to one side. The thing is, she has shown me what she prefers, and that is unacceptable to me. So, I must make sure that I drive her into a corner, and she has this thing about her mike and that... 'brother' of hers and all those people of hers and she wants them to live, and I must somehow make it happen, if I want her in my life. That actually says nothing about whether she wants ME in her life, and so, I am going to assume that she is only interested in them. So, I am going to do a daring thing. I have no pride to lose, and all I need is to confirm the vision that had me seeing her in wedding rings (and all that other bullshit, like she was instructing ME about what I should look out for, silly fool) from the beginning, the first part of which has this coloured chick, nicky, who was staying with her malawian boyfriend at her mother's place, heavily pregnant, going, "so what am I, a recess project?"
Funny, thing that, because it was only at ventersburg, here, where I got off for a recess that has extended into a now almost three week stay, that I figured out what He had really meant, and learned that with God, things will be fulfilled in their own time. Good news for me is that no one believes me, and so, all I need is to show up in kalk bay, and all I need to do is see her still working for mike, and or still anywhere near those males, and I can write them all off. I mean, this will never change, those fools, she pissed me off with, they are dead, no two ways about it, but she is the one person that is keeping me still on tenterhooks. And I hate being derailed by anyone. So, tomorrow, since there is nothing doing, I am getting on a truck, and coming over. Its a twelve hour trip. And all I need is just that, a simple thing. Then I am gone. Because I can not abide sharing something, or even grey areas.So, who dares, wins, and I dare, and well, I am going to be disagreeable, but what the hell, I never wanted fans. I have still, up to now, NO idea just how she got past my defenses. And it irritates me to know that I care so much about someone that is probably all delilah to my samson.
Fuck it, I want an end to this.
So, I have been wandering about, time not wasted, because i have had time to lick my wounds, almost in private, and now, I just want this all to be over with so I can move on. Like the lord of the earth that I am.
So, I have been wandering about, time not wasted, because i have had time to lick my wounds, almost in private, and now, I just want this all to be over with so I can move on. Like the lord of the earth that I am.
2) Home (THROUGH THORNS TO THE TOP)
I was laughing at myself when I finally realised that no ONE actually forced me to go home, I was sort of thinking God had to DO something so that He could live up to His word, not realising that I was letting my self-destruct tendencies blind me to the radical shift that has been occuring throughout the years since I first decided to mis-behave, and ostracised myself from my family;- I am quite simply NOT the kind of person that is answerable to anyone, and I do not have to
be in any way conventional or to please anyone but myself. the laws and rules that you people follow have absolutely NO bearing on me, and I can do as I please just because I have left home, for ever, and I do not have a thing to prove, nor do I have to answer to, my parents. I guess that is what rumble is for, for steerage, even through thorns, just so that I become the person God 'saw' from the beginning, YEAH-SSS!
