Stayed By... Pity

I wake up from a place where one would not expect a person to come out of, and 

I say to myself, I have my own place , because if God says it, it doesn't matter who the fuck says otherwise, and I STILL stick around, doing nothing much except grumble.
It is touch and go, here, if the weather is anything to go by, because I realise I am fighting a losing battle against ... pity. There is only a small

thin string keeping me from totally snapping and making an end to everything, and, well, I know that this is not a popular subject with anyone, but everyone has a breaking point, and pure skepticism is what is keeping me from just walking away. I used to think it was fear of being alone, but then, I have been afraid of conforming all these other times, being 'responsible' among people, and so, that may be the reason why I have not wanted to be anything without anyone by my side. I keep thinking of the experiments I embarked on, while still having to try to keep a normal character, and it must have been the tension inherent in keeping up appearances that set my back on fire. But now, I am done being what I am not. I am actually looking quite dispassionately at the end of everyone's life, and I am cool with it. Even the thought of sending the only person apart from my true relatives,that I had time for to hell, does not disturb me, because I guess she deserves it. Which brings a funny incident to mind, an incident that made me take stock of myself and realise that sometimes, just sometimes, I do not IMMEDIATELY do things because I am stayed from expressing my wrath by pity 

This other day, when I met the pretender as he drove in to that parking I mentioned while I walked out, and saw him mumbling and his body language sending a signal of distress, I was, of course, upset, at first, but at the same time it struck me that I was the cause of distress. Well, while I have not been good at paying attention to people- you are all liars so much I do not even try to filter your signs to understand what you really mean- I also have not paid attention to any impact I may make on people, because once I see that well, no one really gives a fuck, I do not give a fuck either. But it was as obvious as the bare-skin on a baboon's behind that I had the guy, well, not quite at ease.

 Maybe he assumed that I was out to kill him with my bare hands, or maybe an earlier-probably staged- incident where I ended up acknowledging the greeting of a guy whose dog liked to nip at my heels, whom I usually met coming down the mountain and who that day, a few moments earlier, had accosted me and asked me why I would not greet him, made the guy think that I was the kind of person to  make friends easily, that if I smiled at a person, he was safe, or some such thing. I have never changed an enemy into a friend, and what I said earlier goes, that come what may, that guy fries, and that is that.But I take note of everything, and I took note of that encounter, and so figured out that it was NOT quite the time to end the lives of these people. I was too close to the heart of things, too close, too ... attached. So, I became ... detached, and yet even from here, I find it not so easy to get to the final stage and kill the fools, I mean YOU fools. SO, WHAT AM I SAYING HERE:- It can be taken from the God aspect, that for the sake of ONE man who is, in His Sight, Righteous, He is willing to end all other lives that are NOT, or it can be taken any which way, but from MY point of view, it was a given from way back when that I would have the final say over anything that went down. Which is why everything is so totally biased my way, and while you all are sitting comfy in your houses, wondering when I would stop trying to complicate things and agree to see a shrink, I am having to battle what I mentioned earlier as my skepticism that a person could actually be, and here I am taking it from God's perspective, interested enough to pay attention to ME over what anyone else says. She does not seem like the kind. From everything I have known, she has been quite arrogantly adamant that she could instruct ME on how I ought to behave, taking on more than she should, which showed a certain interest, yes, but not the interest that I wanted. The kind she showed will end up with her dead, and that is not something that gives me qualms at all, because when push comes to shove, I do not actually have TIME for the opinions of people as far as my own intentions are concerned. I am quite easy on getting rid of all opposition as a matter of principle, and that is probably something that never sank in to her. Even when I was quite plain, that a 'white worm' was God being quite forthrightly indignant that some silly fool could think she was supposed to change the one that He Himself said, "Be Yourself",she still thought I was just another hick. I live by what God says, and as I said, use it to suit MY purposes. I am NOT some kind of saviour nor am I interested in the ways or welfare of people. How many times have I said THAT. But fools still think to draw me out, still thought they could rate me like a mere man, and get me entangled in some weakness they perceived. I warned her the other time not to wear certain clothes if she was interested in me, and while I was still staying in masi, there she would stage incidents, wheree vinnie could see, just so that she could show her legs. What I SAID did not matter. To her I was wrong, and she was quite ready to use whatever interest I expressed in her to get me to act like a man with an erection, like zuma. Silly fool. I wonder, when the ground tilts under her, whether it will occur to her that she ought to have paid attention to ME, and not anything else. BUT I suppose that it will be too late very soon. I have a hunkering to have a bed to sleep in, and a stove, to cook in, and a whole continent to myself, where not even an insect bugs me.