How long have I had God and His laid back but completely confident involvement in my life, at lest overt? Since i was fifteen, which makes it 17 years now, yes?
And never once has His word proved false. That should have toldme everything.Yesterday, even, when I went to vinnie's to get changed, I just randomly opened the bible, and it was to 2Samuel, chapter 22 I suppose, where david is both patting himself on the back fo being so ... good... and praising God, and he happens to say, "As for God, His word is flawless", and God HAD been telling me all along that I would not go back home, much as I did NOT want to.I was stopped by the most obvious thing that I should have seen from the beginning about this bus service- greed. They do deals both sides of the border, and it is a well known fact, anyway, that ANY zimbabwean who is going, on his own volition, to zim, is loaded, and so, one of the three drivers, a woman, was talking us through what was expected of us who have no passports. You need to pay R300, R100 on the south african side, and R200 for the zimbabwean cops. And you give it to the drivers, and they do it for you, and you do not have to wait in line all day for the cops to sort you out. What... kindness. I had the money in my pocket, to start with, but the rebel in me just decided to NOT go through with it. They said they were not stopping in bloemfontein, but in a small, dead beat town called ventersburg we would get our morning recess, and so, I had decided that I would get off at this place, long before I had seen it, and, actually it DOES have an internet cafe, which is R30 an hour, and opposite the police station, and I am like, OK, I will stick around. I have a lot to not only get off my chest, but to puzzle out
.
There is a line from this song that has had me having nightmares, and which has been making me think I ought to just go home and get it over it
But I guess when truth came to be told, even when I was around her, I could not bring myself to kill her or just ignore THESE promptings from God, like you know, the insider info that I would NOT know unless God was telling me, but really the woman has pissed me off, and trampled on my pride. I do not know where she gets her false hope from, that she maybe can and will use any supposed weakness of mine to get what she wants. That shows a decided lack of perspective. And respect. I DECIDE who lives and who dies, and well, like it or not, I have ALREADY decided, and this side of the border with zimbabwe, NO ONE lives, because i will roam this land at will with it dead and empty, and she is the only possible exception. I do not know if this may seem to her like I am trying to force her, stockholm syndrome style, to do as I will because the alternative is hell, but with me it is like this, show your true colours, or face my wrath for wasting my time. I know what I know. What I do NOT like is being taken for a... kid. And me, the literal boss of the world, the lord of the earth, the God of War, a being without peer, without equal, simply because she wants to listen to some silly cigarette smoking idiot who thinks she has some mandate to find some female, any female, like I am desperate, to work wonders on my loins and make me stop functioning as myself and become like any of you.
I find that insulting in the extreme.
So, I am pondering that, and then, I am going to act.
So, yeah,another thing that pisses me off is the fact that, well, I always let my temper get the better of me, even where God is concerned, because He keeps me straining at things till I snap and just decide, like now, fuck this, I will go so far away that even if i wanted to come back, I will not, and then I will try to find my feet and then, afterwards, well, honestly I do not have regrets, but I am upset that when people who notice a certain act of mine decipher it, it is always ... wrong. yesterday i was very, very annoyed.
I went to this place- I have a special affinity for water, and i am feeling weird now that the sea is NOT part of my daily view, like I was when at pollsmoor, it almost literally drove me mad- where the waves were crashing against the rocks and sat down, and well, got so angry I threw my beenie into the water and left my straggling locks exposed. I was not happy with God, and was telling Him, like david beckham in that world cup match that he was sent off from for ironically clapping his hands at the referee's decision, that He had screwed up, and so, why the fuck did He not just kill me, and get done with it, because I was about to prove His word wrong. Then I went to wait for vinnie, and well, I hate the asshole, but hate where you get to do nothing is futile, and i knew for a long time, deep down, that i would never ever be able to do anything in kalk bay, which is why I wanted to just be gone, but when the imp showed up, apparently he had parked his car-I mean, i observe cars, but trying to keep track of all the fools who think they have a lock on you is going to require a secretary, and well, since I never did like and i did love fans, forget it!- by the blasted office doors, and where he was i do not know, but he drove slowly past me, with a girl in the dog section, and i thought, you must be kidding me! Apparently the fool did not understand that my problem is not whether or not he is dead, it is WHEN, because well, God is well, being difficult about it.
So, I left, happily, and well, I am sure that when those who paid for the ticket hear about what I did, they will be pissed off, but hell, my thing is, you are all just human, I am slightly different. I am a person that has an affliction/ curse/ blessing that makes me completely totally different, and you acted, and act as if i am just a mere human who must learn to play well with others, when in effect everything about me wants everyone to be... dead. Simple. And Jah will be waiting. Fuck, some damian marley will not be amiss right now.
Talking of roads, I NEVER thought I would be this foul-mouthed hard-voiced, ruthless person that I am becoming, but when, as a sort of reward, or promise, I had this very... nice... word vision
And I get some fool who thinks we are equals, that she can dictate terms. Conditions. To the One who knows NO rules except those he makes up. I mean... IMAGINE!
I am getting really fed up with everything, and the fucked up thing? The more annoyed I get, the worse the weather turns, and i am thinking that I am going to be sleeping out this night, and I do not know when this stupid issue is going to be resolved, and so, I am only likely to be getting more and more... upset.
At least I have the advantage that there are no silly females here that will hunt me down to show me that they are really what I am looking for. I hated that. I mean, I am 32 years old. Old enough to know my own mind. And I have been quite plain about it. Just seems them fools think they know better.
Ah, well, at least there is a public library next door. Civilisation!Police, internet, library. And I am mr-anonymous!
And never once has His word proved false. That should have toldme everything.Yesterday, even, when I went to vinnie's to get changed, I just randomly opened the bible, and it was to 2Samuel, chapter 22 I suppose, where david is both patting himself on the back fo being so ... good... and praising God, and he happens to say, "As for God, His word is flawless", and God HAD been telling me all along that I would not go back home, much as I did NOT want to.I was stopped by the most obvious thing that I should have seen from the beginning about this bus service- greed. They do deals both sides of the border, and it is a well known fact, anyway, that ANY zimbabwean who is going, on his own volition, to zim, is loaded, and so, one of the three drivers, a woman, was talking us through what was expected of us who have no passports. You need to pay R300, R100 on the south african side, and R200 for the zimbabwean cops. And you give it to the drivers, and they do it for you, and you do not have to wait in line all day for the cops to sort you out. What... kindness. I had the money in my pocket, to start with, but the rebel in me just decided to NOT go through with it. They said they were not stopping in bloemfontein, but in a small, dead beat town called ventersburg we would get our morning recess, and so, I had decided that I would get off at this place, long before I had seen it, and, actually it DOES have an internet cafe, which is R30 an hour, and opposite the police station, and I am like, OK, I will stick around. I have a lot to not only get off my chest, but to puzzle out
.
There is a line from this song that has had me having nightmares, and which has been making me think I ought to just go home and get it over it
through your family
I'll fulfill your dreams
Now, let me put it this way, I have been puzzling this God-and-me thing, and well, Him and I, we are not friends. What He feels for me is obvious, even to me when I try to be as unreasonable as possible, but I have trust issues, and everytime, I have this thin skin that when push comes to shove, I think I am the first thing to be thrown out with the dirty water, and so, I am usually depressed, and He capitalises on that, on my negativity.
Thoughts of "family" therefore literally scare me.
BUT, since me and Him, we are not friends, He does not speak, like with moses, in plain speech- which frankly pisses me off, because then I would not have to worry so much or to be so self-critical-and so, everything, I have to THINK about, and usually, when I have exhausted the, OK, He wants to use me part and found it, like always, wanting, I then start thinking He wants something that is for MY ... good.
Now, I am a person who, frankly can not expect any help from my biological... family, and well, being a person who seeks cohesiveness, I could not help but link everything with the vision of my... sister, lying on a single bed, face-first, with two cheeky faces, one seemingly ... underneath her, in that uncomfortable space that would have bothered me if I was like... her boyfriend, or involved with her... and the other on the other hip, and then I go and see my mother in the sitting room, and I switch on a tv, and while looking balefully at my mother, I tell my sister that if she does not change i would make her suffer, and then comes the pink panther bit
And you know the rest.
One person that I seem to have developed an attachment for and who apparently does not get it that, well, whether she like it or not, I AM going to KILL off everyone else on the planet, her family included, and if she persists in not using her eyes to see and thinking for herself, even I, whose patience has amazed even myself, because I do NOT normally stand for so MUCH bullshit from anyone, and I was literally surprised that the things I wanted to work in kalk bay and could not, the lightning and stuff, was happening so freely as we went through the karoo last night I was like, Oh, fuck You, You were just making a fool of me all the time.
Thoughts of "family" therefore literally scare me.
BUT, since me and Him, we are not friends, He does not speak, like with moses, in plain speech- which frankly pisses me off, because then I would not have to worry so much or to be so self-critical-and so, everything, I have to THINK about, and usually, when I have exhausted the, OK, He wants to use me part and found it, like always, wanting, I then start thinking He wants something that is for MY ... good.
Now, I am a person who, frankly can not expect any help from my biological... family, and well, being a person who seeks cohesiveness, I could not help but link everything with the vision of my... sister, lying on a single bed, face-first, with two cheeky faces, one seemingly ... underneath her, in that uncomfortable space that would have bothered me if I was like... her boyfriend, or involved with her... and the other on the other hip, and then I go and see my mother in the sitting room, and I switch on a tv, and while looking balefully at my mother, I tell my sister that if she does not change i would make her suffer, and then comes the pink panther bit
One person that I seem to have developed an attachment for and who apparently does not get it that, well, whether she like it or not, I AM going to KILL off everyone else on the planet, her family included, and if she persists in not using her eyes to see and thinking for herself, even I, whose patience has amazed even myself, because I do NOT normally stand for so MUCH bullshit from anyone, and I was literally surprised that the things I wanted to work in kalk bay and could not, the lightning and stuff, was happening so freely as we went through the karoo last night I was like, Oh, fuck You, You were just making a fool of me all the time.
But I guess when truth came to be told, even when I was around her, I could not bring myself to kill her or just ignore THESE promptings from God, like you know, the insider info that I would NOT know unless God was telling me, but really the woman has pissed me off, and trampled on my pride. I do not know where she gets her false hope from, that she maybe can and will use any supposed weakness of mine to get what she wants. That shows a decided lack of perspective. And respect. I DECIDE who lives and who dies, and well, like it or not, I have ALREADY decided, and this side of the border with zimbabwe, NO ONE lives, because i will roam this land at will with it dead and empty, and she is the only possible exception. I do not know if this may seem to her like I am trying to force her, stockholm syndrome style, to do as I will because the alternative is hell, but with me it is like this, show your true colours, or face my wrath for wasting my time. I know what I know. What I do NOT like is being taken for a... kid. And me, the literal boss of the world, the lord of the earth, the God of War, a being without peer, without equal, simply because she wants to listen to some silly cigarette smoking idiot who thinks she has some mandate to find some female, any female, like I am desperate, to work wonders on my loins and make me stop functioning as myself and become like any of you.
I find that insulting in the extreme.
So, yeah,another thing that pisses me off is the fact that, well, I always let my temper get the better of me, even where God is concerned, because He keeps me straining at things till I snap and just decide, like now, fuck this, I will go so far away that even if i wanted to come back, I will not, and then I will try to find my feet and then, afterwards, well, honestly I do not have regrets, but I am upset that when people who notice a certain act of mine decipher it, it is always ... wrong. yesterday i was very, very annoyed.
I went to this place- I have a special affinity for water, and i am feeling weird now that the sea is NOT part of my daily view, like I was when at pollsmoor, it almost literally drove me mad- where the waves were crashing against the rocks and sat down, and well, got so angry I threw my beenie into the water and left my straggling locks exposed. I was not happy with God, and was telling Him, like david beckham in that world cup match that he was sent off from for ironically clapping his hands at the referee's decision, that He had screwed up, and so, why the fuck did He not just kill me, and get done with it, because I was about to prove His word wrong. Then I went to wait for vinnie, and well, I hate the asshole, but hate where you get to do nothing is futile, and i knew for a long time, deep down, that i would never ever be able to do anything in kalk bay, which is why I wanted to just be gone, but when the imp showed up, apparently he had parked his car-I mean, i observe cars, but trying to keep track of all the fools who think they have a lock on you is going to require a secretary, and well, since I never did like and i did love fans, forget it!- by the blasted office doors, and where he was i do not know, but he drove slowly past me, with a girl in the dog section, and i thought, you must be kidding me! Apparently the fool did not understand that my problem is not whether or not he is dead, it is WHEN, because well, God is well, being difficult about it.
So, I left, happily, and well, I am sure that when those who paid for the ticket hear about what I did, they will be pissed off, but hell, my thing is, you are all just human, I am slightly different. I am a person that has an affliction/ curse/ blessing that makes me completely totally different, and you acted, and act as if i am just a mere human who must learn to play well with others, when in effect everything about me wants everyone to be... dead. Simple. And Jah will be waiting. Fuck, some damian marley will not be amiss right now.
Talking of roads, I NEVER thought I would be this foul-mouthed hard-voiced, ruthless person that I am becoming, but when, as a sort of reward, or promise, I had this very... nice... word vision
Blessed are the pure in heart
for they shall see God
He who loves purity of heart
for his gracious speech
He who loves purity of heart
for his gracious speech
the King shall be his friend
And since then, while I have tried to show what I am actually thinking, I have decided to NOT be so nice in my speech. Now, here is the paradox. I hate it when someone else says things like 'fuck' or 'shit' in presence. Makes me wonder, well, fuck, where did you learn to speak like that. God did not happen to you, so why should you complain? I am trying to ... maintain... my individuality, my own identity, and not be swallowed up by the inferred 'goodness' which God's words seem to invariably have in their wake.
Pure and clean meditation
without a doubt
dont let them take you like who them took out
Jah will be waiting there we are shout
Jah will be waiting there we are shout
Jah will be waiting there
in this world of calamity
dirty looks and grudges and jealousy
and police where abuse their authority
media clowns dont know about variety
I am getting really fed up with everything, and the fucked up thing? The more annoyed I get, the worse the weather turns, and i am thinking that I am going to be sleeping out this night, and I do not know when this stupid issue is going to be resolved, and so, I am only likely to be getting more and more... upset.
At least I have the advantage that there are no silly females here that will hunt me down to show me that they are really what I am looking for. I hated that. I mean, I am 32 years old. Old enough to know my own mind. And I have been quite plain about it. Just seems them fools think they know better.
Ah, well, at least there is a public library next door. Civilisation!Police, internet, library. And I am mr-anonymous!
and now the clock are strike war
dont be amazed coz
them inna de churches trying to save us
saviours
