Motivated By Hate

Take it from the time God intervened in my life, when I was a teenager, and I ... met ... Him as I was walking back to ... my mother... and delaying it all as much as I could, because I was unable to mould myself the way she wished, and also, I was so aware that she and I were not on good terms, and i was running out of places to hide, what with my uncle dying. School was a bit of a relief, then, because I was away from her, but weekends and holidays were a nightmare. And then God shows up, at a dark place, in the night, and makes me aware that He is not only aware of me, but thinks something of me. Without a word being spoken. 
I HAVE HAD A PROBLEM WITH THAT, with Him on my ... side... so to speak, because everything that was ingrained in me from all the religious and moral studies was that one should love and seek to be at  peace with everyone, and yet I found myself unable to do either, and when it seemed God was unperturbed by all that, I got really, REALLY worried. It is like having a popular play redone in 'contemporary' terms, like romeo and juliet with black actors. The theme gets distorted, and you start wonderng where twisting the facts to suit the times will end. God did NOT act as I thought He would, and so, I have been having a difficult time here, trying to reconcile what I saw with what I expected.
But when you start being able to whistle for lightning and it happens, when you are angry and the rain falls down, when you try various means to kill yourself and it just DOES NOT happen, well, the unconventional becomes something you feel at home with.So, I am crazy, but then, I am not at peace with what goes on in life, I am really rather upset by it all. God, well, He is consistent. He did not come into my life, when I was really uncertain about my future, and start telling me that I had to change my ways and all that, but  He actually came and, by His silence, signified acceptance and consent for me to be what I am, and so, here I am, on  the brink of becoming a PUBLIC public enemy number one, and I am not at ease with the whole scenario. 

  Guess that picture tells the reason why. I am as confused as they come, I am at war with everything and everyone else, and 100% determined to see it through to the end, but there is THIS grey area in my life which, for the life of me, I can not just wish away.  

That there exists one person that has aroused protective instincts in me that even i never knew i had is in itself a surprise, but then, that at the same time I have come to be so doubtful of everything the person stands for, makes me feel like it would be best, for once in my life, if I just put a full-stop right about here and not seek to pursue this to its conclusion, because i am sure i am wasting my time here.

I can not tell if I love her or I hate her, but what I do know is that I can not accommodate her. I understand that people have wishes and dreams, but the cold, hard reality of where i stand is that I do not have even the slightest interest in bending to those dreams. What I am is so much at war with what everyone ELSE is there is NO room for peaceful co-existence between me and anyone any other party. 
it is one thing to be made a fool of by my enemies, but another to be made a fool of by the one person that you find has sneaked her way into some part of you that leaves you vulnerable. I think I am really stupid to be worrying myself even now about whether she even thinks of me at all, when in all likelihood she is saying good riddance to bad rubbish.
This morning, a guy actually offered me a lift to cape town, a 'homie' I had seen just the past couple of days, on his way to jo'burg, and I would have been tempted to take it but for the fact that  I do not run towards humilation. I could tell what would be the conclusion of i showed up;- "well, you may huff and puff all you wish, she would say, but you can not do anything without me, and now, because even you know that, here are my terms and conditions...",  again! Thank you very much, but all I have is my pride. I am not going to go down that road ever again. I would rather die than give anyone the satisfaction of thinking they had me where they wanted me. Hell, I would rather kill her, than give her that much room to manoeuvre as she wishes.
Both she and those around her have exploited the grey area shamelessly in the past, till I have grown rather tired of it, and decided, over and over again, that i would rather live life alone, because at the end of the day, whether she is next to me or not, we would still be miles away from each other, and i am tired of barking up the wrong tree. everyone has a limit, and I find that mine has been reached already. I can not take the rubbish anymore, and so, I think it would be best to just ... end this.

After all, what do we have in common? Like king kong, did he really expect to have anything more from the woman? Check the differences. I guess that is where all this comes to a head. she said some interesting things when I got arrested, about how i did not want to see any male around her, and I guess there and then I decided i had made an ass of myself, a great big fool. So, it is best to walk away, I think, before i make an even bigger one. I think I may as well stick to what I know best, that I can not stand people, and hate seeing them violate my private space, which happens to be... everywhere.