Mission Impossible

 I have reached the conclusion that I am personally in deep shit, and am waiting for my life to free-fall into the abyss that I can almost taste and feel is waiting for me.

Even when I am assured by The One that knows that not only will He not let me fall, but also that this will soon be over, I am not re-assured, because I know, truly, that I am alone, and well, I, as I am, am a friendless person that everyone, for their peace of mind, would be glad to see fail. But then, people, they never much factored into my life, their opinions or their leanings. Take for example the one bitter lesson I have learned, which took me ten years to assimilate, and now that I have reached a conclusion, I find that the "choice" i have for what kind of girl I like, well, simply does not exist. This is mission impossible, indeed.

So, it is 2004, maybe may or june, after the death of my father's nearest -in age- male sibling and I am attached as an apprentice boilermaker, rather reluctantly by the top brass, because of my troubled record the past year at kwekwe poly, and I have just decided, after hot words with the  training officer at ZISCO to quit redcliff, and walk away. I am currently involved with this girl, jacqueline salengu ngwenya, whose initials invoke the name "jason", the leader of the fabled argonauts whose nickname was 'pharmacos', meaning healer, which makes it seem obvious why I was rather unwilling to just walk away, even after my mother disgraced herself by showing up at her house, yelling at her grandma to keep her dog- the girl- on a leash because she, my mother, did not educate me for anything else but that I must look after her. And the reason why I am even holding onto the girl, the vision of my cousin tariro angela, holding a book as she walks the street, which I had gotten at the start of the year, like, now that I am infected and have no hope of there being a woman in my life, God shows that there can be one.
I walked from ZISCO to the main road, to get a lift to gweru, and well, that was the first time God actually started using songs to communicate with me, using the lyrics of the song by decibel to try to get through to me. OR maybe, more accurately, that was the first time I realised that He was serious, that He was not just going to walk away, but was actually trying to get through to me. That was also the first time that I really went beserk with rage and cursed Him... wholeheartedly. Anyway, the song goes

you choose what kind of world

you like

you choose what kind of life

what kind of world, what kind of life

you need an education to get emancipation

this is a dedication

to all you ghetto boys

dont let imagination

or just infatuation

get you in tribulation

dont be a criminal

everything in life

comes with a price...

you choose waht kind of girl

you like

you choose what kind of wife

what kind of girl

what kind of wife

you need a steady girlfriend

and not a passing toyfriend

dont have so many girlfriends

unless you wanna die...

when it gets cold and windy

she will be nowhere in your vicinity.

I decide to take the girl anyway, and it hurts. I am not blind, I see what people do, because, like the guy in "memoirs of the invisible man", the main job of the invisible person is to stay out of people's way, which means you decipher their intent, and try to stay beneath their radar. It comes to an end, anyway, not only after God had done,  what seemed, to me, then, an about turn, washed His hands of responsibility, and refused to accept that, as i saw it, a woman with a child was what He deemed the best thing for me to have. And given me the Isaiah 6 vision.
of course, me having a CHOICE as to what kind of world I liked was, to me, a joke, right? I mean, why would He even say something like that. Who the fuck was I that He should tell ME that I could actually arrange things to my liking, me, a dog, shit according to my mother?
Slowly, of course, I was to find out just what I was, and now, as i look back at it, I find the situation, my... health... or supposed lack thereof, something to laugh at. Because the truth, well, it comes, inexorably, out, that not only can I never be really, really, permanently... ill, that disease and everything that discomfits will come and go without leaving me laid down, but, despite the seeming inference when He pointed out that He had added 15 years to my life, I am not going to be dead at the end of it, because He has 'sworn and will not repent' that I am His, and no power can ever separate me from Him. I only recently learn, after He had hinted about twins, that I have a 'keeper' a Voice, the Essence of Survive, whose sole job is to take me, and my life, to places I want to go and have me avoid what I do not want... without regard to my safety, though!
So, I end up, last weekend, thinking, and I was like, after God came again with the statement, "Behold, I am The LORD, the God of All Flesh, is there ANYTHING too hard for Me?", 'well, now that You mention it, God, I am stuck here, something that You are very well aware of, and my days are a constant struggle to find food while I just degenerate, knowing I can not move forward, because, see, I have discovered the type of girl that I would have liked, for myself, after all these women i have ... suffered... through. I would have liked a woman that was, till I came along, not even remotely interested in any guy, had never even been out on a date, had never even lusted/longed for anyone, but who, when I showed up, decided that I was to be the one for her, for life. This one, the one that has made me mad, well, I mean, we can scratch all those assumptions, because even though she may be a virgin, THAT IS NOT ENOUGH, because she has shown me that she is a flirt. And even if the pretender is her brother, which thing I have circumstancial evidence of, stooping to such a level as to pretend that they are lovers, if that is NOT what they are, well, it shows some strong sentiment where she is concerned, and well, i am tired of arguments. Of being treated like I am wrong, when I have eyes that see and know my own mind. The girl is someone i can never trust, and well, I do NOT want her in my life. So, why not let this go? I can accept easily that You can grant me the power to end lives, and send people to hell, and all that, but hey, when it comes to the kind of woman I would like, well, in this day and age, lets face it, such a person does not exist, so lets drop it, and let me move on, I am tired of this bullshit".
I have not had a response.
And I am getting rather upset with everything. And it gets worse. Ah, well, I will mention that in the next post, but some things just can not let sleeping dogs lie, although I blame myself for this mess i am in. After all, I wanted to go home, and now, it seems... I might. I have a week. To find an alternative. Oh, fuck! I am just waiting for disaster.