Talk About Terminally... Bad Tempered

It GOT to me, the oh, so, casual way that God showed me, right in my face, that He was NOT going to be reasonable about letting me die, and fuck it, i KNEW then just how much I HATED Him, how I have hated Him, and will forever hate Him.

It may not seem... normal to anyone, I should be ... GRATEFUL... right, and be happy that He came into my life, stopped me from being murdered and -technically He stopped me from being buried, He did not do much about the other thing- and so, I should rejoice and be glad that He was so... kind.
But then, I am not normal.
Who SAID I wanted to live?
Who said i wanted to have all those memories crashing into me day and night, telling me that I am in the way so much that I must bear it?
Fuck it, I do NOT want to live, and always have the mark that He imposed on me, the ... thing, the freak that can not die, the animal, the vegetable that is not quite ready for the garbage heap.
Fuck am I?
I should be ... glad... that He made me live to see the full horror that He has prepared for me?
I hate Him.
say what you will, but I hate God so much, and I am in pain because of Him so much, that I ... if only I could not ... be.
And He closes that door. Slam!

before this, I would have had a slight hope, we can reason, we can talk, and He may see that it is to no one's benefit for me to remain alive, i should just have the peace i long for, die, OK?

Then He shows me that there is NO such alternative, and I am ... unhappy. To put it mildly.
Fuck, I am PISSED off, OK, and I am NOT in a good mood, OK? I am one very, very angry person, stuck up in this ... life... that I do not want, that I do not even NEED.
All I want to do is tear off everything and everyone, and I ... I lost it, way back when, when I saw that my prison was real, and eternal.
I am NOT amused!
Heck, I do not think I want to...
Fuck, so if ANYONE is stupid enough to think that I am in a reasoning mood, or i actually CARE what happens next, they are in for a rude awakening... !

I got so pissed off at Him that I decided I would find out the truth about everything, and lay it to rest, everything, even about that woman. So, I came surreptitioulsy... I think... to kalk bay, got off the train at st.james, and then walked. there is a vantage point when you turn and face kalk bay on the main road, where you are looking straight at the building, and you can see if the offices are occupied or not, and i was mildly... surprised that the shutters were down. Maybe i was NOT as careful as i thought, or as unobtrusive as i wanted to think myself.I mean, He fucking started this, and now, i have to bear the burden of ... PROOF... like I am the one who WANTS to be involved with the person? I mean, as i always stressed, the woman knows her own mind, and i am very, very skeptical that she is a virgin -no two ways about it, I will KILL her if she is NOT- and I have to BOW to her whims like a little boy that is just begging for candy? And I am supposed to , what, do the whole brood of them favours like I owe it to them for the time they kicked me all over the floor like a ball, because, of course, to them I am in the wrong and God is on their side? Fuck that, I will make them pay, the assholes and bitches. Hell, YEAH
Dont  get me wrong, i am a reasonable guy. I have reasoned that i am going to start killing people, and well, since i am in such a reasonable mood, I WILL start killing people. It stands to reason, I mean, Q.E. fucking D.
Everyone is in my way, and so, i will put them OUT of my way, and well, destroy whatever IS in my way, like THAT!
It is so easy, I think you will find that it is reasonable, really. How much MORE reasonable must I get.
I mean, here i am,
there is God, He makes me completely INCAPABLE of dying, right, COMPLETELY. I mean, is I have to stand in front of a tank, now, with RPG missiles aimed at me, I KNOW that I would not be ... killed, because what happened the other day left me in NO doubt whatsoever that NOTHING can break the prison bond that I am in. NOTHING.
And I am NOT happy about that. NO.
It is one thing to think, in the realm of the living, and with normal doubt factored in, that one may conceivably NOT be prone to... dying, but another thing to actually BE incapable of dying, like, like, a freak. I mean, truth to tell, the ONE thing I REALLY, REALLY want to do, is... die, and I can not do that.
Fuck, send me to hell, it is MY right to end this charade, if I so want it, You Prick!


And I can not die. Do You know how much EFFORT I put into ,means of MY demise, how I tried my BEST to die, only to find NOW that I can not even, especially now, even TASTE death? Does ANYONE have any idea just how... ANGRY I am at THAT!
I do not WANT to be among you all. I have to smile and wave, and bare my teeth and tell stupid jokes just so that I appear to be normal among people, and now I have to PUT up with my body going totally whacko on me, me seeing impossible things happen to me simply because there is an -now 'instant'- override switch that will ensure that in NO way will the mav, ever, ever, breathe his last again?
DOES anyone know just how... terminally angry that makes me?
ANYONE?
Fuck, I am no longer even insanely unhappy, I am... I need a dictionary, words fail me. maybe I need to learn a new language. Maybe I need to.. DO something about all this BULLSHIT.

Fuck did You want from me, You insensitive interfering Asshole?GRRRR!
Is it because I was easy to manipulate, easy for You to do as You wish with, because i was just a reject that You decided you could take all sorts of liberties with me and i would be happy that You singled me out for all this sadistic treatment? Fuck was YOUR problem with me just dying, You ... PRICK?
Now, You make me into this ... THING, and I am supposed to be... happy ... that I am an -in-everyone's-face-monster that You can let loose because there is NO other opening for it? I hate YOU You arrogant ... DICKHEAD! HAAAAAAAAAAA!

ha ha ha ha, this is so... funny. I want to die, and i can not, and I am now, having to just make sure that I do something that I do not even want to do, simply because the walls are closing in, and there is no way out for me. I must kill, not because i want to live, but because i hate ... insects.

And i am NOT even interested to begin with. How is THAT for irony?

I am running like a fugitive

I'm on the run

and then I take a stock

I have to run like a fugitive

to save the life i live

i'm gonna be

 iron

like a lion

in zion

i'm on the run

but i aint got no gun

see they want to be the star

so they fighting tribal war..

Pathetic, this whole business. I am not amused, here, i am definitely NOT amused.
The mav. is NOT happy with this whole fucking business.

I think that what I really want here is to get my hands on God, Himself, but I will settle for whatever is available, YEAH-SSS.

them boy dont know MAD people...

say 'bravery'? bravery? we bad

we crazy

big badness turn up

when time the alien them they step out

90's them no bad like we

what dem talking 'bout

badder than dem

badder than dem

them so pussy boy

make me gunna down dem

came out in view

send the buffer make them

...

the man them are shout

shoot only son

open the gown make the demons come out

...

shake up the place and

 police them have fir run
informer tell police what the gun them are mean
and talk with jesus and the drunkard are come
said bravery
bravery we bad
we CRAZY

dare make ME live forever, the Asshole?we will SEE about that.

 di-doom, YOUR doom

here comes the boom

bull man bouncing

stalking most walking
hawk it pouncing
killing them we counting
hit them like a mountain
spitting them are spitting blood like a fountain

dont look at me like that
i just may fight back
and if i may just end up taking your life boy
i dont go for the balls just coz i've been down
and time is too important to be fucking around

tough nigga?

I stop a mudhole in your face
motherfucker
i rip your butthole out of place

these are the sweetest times...

Enjoy the killing time

man hotter than pepper 

mr clever

and me glock have for talk fir me crew

make them body know we got a shooting gallery
killing is fun...
and we owe no apology!

killing is fun

I am going to sleep, fuck it.
Tomorrow i will see which side of the... cardboard box i wake up in, and then, just maybe, the mav will decide to totally tear up everything and destroy the.... works of God.
Fuck it, TRAP me in life the ..... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!