Ah, tony, I WARNED you, and you still think I am fighting a lone battle.
I am GOING to kill you, with MY hands, for every stupid word that you utter, because one thing you can not seem to grasp is that I did not ask for this, and you trying to laboriously put your two cents worth when I am NOT even interested in submitting to a God I hate is what is going to end not just YOUR life, but everyone else's, and you thinking your silly thoughts and trying to force them on me is what makes ME, not God, angry at you.
God's job is just to make sure, like the lyrics go of the song above, that I do NOT give in to those pressures, His part is to go, "I wont let you fall".
Which means, you stab at me with your opinions, and you force me to make that attempt of yours to make me over... personal.
And I never back down from personal attacks, especially when they involve a God I never asked into my life, OR a life that I do not even want to have.
Ha, ha, the idiot saw the old timer come and sit by my side, and vinnie join in, and then he decided to come and put his two cents worth in also.
The other day, when he went 'do not run away from jesus", I had seen the love of my life, still bent on doing the 'right' thing where I am concerned, wait till ms short and dumpy and the silly boy walked into the office, and i had just shaken my head at them, and then she walked in, after them, dressed in those trousers of hers that covered her legs- mine, those- and in flat shoes, and I had despaired and washed my hands of that woman, for a while at least. Then these two 'elders' from the mormon church of latter day saints, who have NEVER so much as breathed a word of jesus where I am concerned, had come, and I had been already upset, and i was walking away, when he decided -he who has last seen the inside of a church WHEN?- to tell me, the one who KNOWS God- and hates Him- that I needed to have jesus in my life! I mean, what the fuck is his point?
So, I marked him, and carried on.
Today, he came and sat beside the old-timer, and he goes
"so, how is your.... FLOCK?"
And then, because his twisted mind still assumes that when I SAY I am going to fry him he thinks I just need guidance, he carries on, digging an even deeper grave for himself- it must be a mile deep already, asshole- "Your guys sent two guys and they failed, and now they have sent two other experts..." (meaning the two 'elders' who are, FYI, you imbecile; rotated on a regular basis, so this had nothing to do with failure, and anyway, me and those other 'experts' NEVER talked church, I guess even if they knew what I was up to they wisely decided to keep their opinions to themselves, something you are too stupid to try to learn, and for which I look forward to killing you, fool)that was when I decided to get up.
I had to explain to vinnie why I was calling it an early day, BUT, my point remains that hey, fools, TAKE it any way you want, you will NEVER ever win any war you wage with me to try to make me ... change.. to suit you, because God is cool with me just like I am.
MISTAKE number ONE, that will get you KILLED is trying to make me fit into your lifestyles.
MISTAKE number TWO is trying to correct me when I SAY what I really FEEL.
MISTAKE number THREE is thinking me unreasonable when I try to offer people an easy way out.
MISTAKE number FOUR, when I have given up, is assuming that GOD, or pressure, will make me become more mallaeble and less hard. THAT is when God lets me unleash my ... rage.
EVERYTIME you fools try my patience, you just make me stronger, and angrier, and well, my love, why do you not also learn?
I do not think that God would give me someone that did not have a learning curve, and at least some sense to know when she has come up against a FIRM "no", like where you obviously think I ought to spare your people or stuff like that.THEY are all dead, it just depends HOW they die, and frankly, far as i am concerned, my terms and conditions are the best THEY can get. I have drawn my line, and in NO way will I let you or anyone else step over it. Know your limits, because even you MUST obey me. In that.
I walked into that one. I was paying attention to the video clip above when bruce truns into hulk first time, and the crying child made me realise why i am always weeping inside.
Fuck it I should have just died. Then I would never have had to deal with this.
And yet, I can also not ignore the equally salient point, that I did NOT have to be killed.
She could have just left, instead, or something. Yet she decided my life was not as important as that life of her two kids, and so, I had to go out of the way.
I had done NO one any wrong, and I had to be made to pay for it.
So, God stepped in, and kept me in my cage, and left me completely isolated from anything and everyone else, and now, well, it is all coming out, because I am a high visibility target, and there is no place to run to anymore, nowhere to hide, and so, the only way OUT for me is ... UP.
Through the thorns to the top.
I am going to kill people.
Get that straight, woman.
It is bloodletting time.
tell you that I dont like
the way they are living
because the way
our living is sickening
you fight the youths them
out of their living
you call us lazy
when we are willing
when we are willing
Blood again
hear say another youth get shot again
fire fir the wicked fire fir the heathen
first time a gun reach you
me nuh know when
but I like fir know when
first when coke reach you
me nuh know
but I like fir know a when
as a little youth rise
you try fir keep him down again
what kind of juice me go catch
are they are blend.
OK, so first thing I discovered when I dug deeper into that tied-up vision was that I NEED her, because she has shown me that she has a drive that I lack, and, well, I have reached a point where I can not even pretend that I will ever lift my hand or bother to do anything for myself, because I do NOT care about life that much. But for her I could bother, see.
So, God decided to take it a bit further.
Imagine that you are in kalk bay, and you are that that island, that junction where the road to boyes drive starts, and branches off from the main road.
That funny shaped thing just under the "B" of Kalk Bay. Yes, or maybe, better yet, you are viewing it from across the road, where the container where vinnie puts his stuff is. because from that angle you get the view as i saw it. A green plant that was a sort of shelter to that box with faulty wheels of vinnie's that we use to load all his stuff in, and rain was falling on the box as it was parked on that traffic island.
On the left would be tony's restaurant and the gallery, and on the right would be the road to fish hoek. behind would be the road to boyes drive.
I guess what God was telling me was that, if I remain in this locale, I am going to KILL not only the people like tony personally but also the gallery people [left is better, I suppose, that is if I left] because i have come down from MY self-drive (the mountain), I can not push my burden along anymore.
On the other hand, the right hand leads to fish hoek,... hook of fish. reminds me of the song by beenie man which goes, "like a fish you are caught inna the net/this is no disrespect"
net, caught, married?
Ok, I suppose I am at that point where I am asking you to be mine so that I do not personally kill your family members just because i can not walk away from you, and you will NOT reject me and I can not live like this.
i will kill tony, of course, but he will just die, like instantly, but, well, I am not good at hiding my temper anymore, and i am going to run out of excuses even to myself NOT to kill him, and so, i will probably just kill him anyday, anyway, unless I find an exit package.
I suppose, I NEED you, with your wits and all of you, just to negotiate this next part. At least.
I can not do this alone, not when my heart longs for you and nothing else.
Will you be mine?
Of course, if you say yes, i am going to the US anyway, and i am killing off people anyway, to make me a place, but hell, I am going to kill people you care about HERE unless well, unless you do something, because frankly, i have as much incentive to move as a stick that is stuck in the mud.
I am not ... forcing... you to be mine, but hell, I am done trying to fight myself. I should have left that time when I left site-5. but I had to ... look... when I saw that building, and when I saw you, when you had no need to even BE anywhere near when I came to kalk bay to get my humiliation just so that I could explode and go on with life, I SAW your worry, and it cut me to the quick and I knew, even then, that I could not do anything to harm you, that i would rather spare you pain. The only way I knew how, by removing myself from the picture. At least then, I thought, you could be free of me, because of course, it never occurred to me that you could... care... about me. So, I tried to ... will... myself to die, and hell, it was interesting. I mean, I discover a whole plethora of things about myself that make me different from anyone else, and I was like amazed. I knew for example that my heart could, for no real reason, just beat like a bird fluttering to get out of the cage, and this time, I THOUGHT about ending my life, and it started beating erratically, and I was like hmm yes. I put my hand on it, and i felt it going, and sort of started counting, and then averaged it. NO person, far as i understood in, who is NOT engaged in physical exertion, could sustain that, and so, all I needed to do was just... let things roll and then just die, of a worn heart. I had no pulse, my fingers were all going numb and I was getting dizzy, and so, I thought, hell, yeah, i am dead. Till the thought came into my mind that they would find my body, and in my death I would be labelled another loser, someone who never amounted to anything, a qualified dropout of everything. And that was when God re-set everything, because I may not like the life I am living, but I will never let someone look down on me and mock me.
Because I KNOW I am way better than everyone.
So, I came back, and there you were, going to great pains to show me that you were not attached to anyone, and even taking me seriously enough about my intent to make sure you did not make me unhappy with a repeat of the stunts you had pulled earlier to get me to be reasonable.
I understand more than you think about what kind of pressure I am putting you under, but I can not help being... ME... and if it makes any sense, I was ready to die than bother you, so, if I, who have to LIVE with myself, tell you that, unless there is another way that I do not even dream about that is open to me, and trust me, I have searched high and low, and found none, I can not help but end up tearing apart your world, unless you somehow, well, stop listening to your smug mother and pay attention to what I am saying, which is, I am HERE, to DESTROY the government that you all believe in, and set up MINE, which, far as I can see, says that I do NOT share what is mine with anyone, and so, my love, I am GOING to kill people just to make that come true.
Do not, therefore, please, please, think i need you to look after me. NO. because then, as I see, your mother, mike, everyone of the jews, would say, aha, so for that, he will need money, and we can supply that, and so, force me to take both you and your baggage.
Listen to me, YOU will not limit me to a sex starved cretin! I want you, but I am also not going to accept you on those terms. You have to grasp the full ...import... of my ... offer.
I am going to kill off every living thing from off of this planet. Some i will kill off now, because they are in my way, and the rest I will kill off later, and have them just turn back to dust and not worry about being conscious. THAT is a fact. DEAL with that. DO NOT think I will accept mike's offer of you being someone I sleep with while he sponsors the whole thing. I am the a male which means i do not brook any MALE interference in my business, and also, I am the ω male meaning that I will not have anyone take what I say and push it into regions where i have NOT specified, and far as I am concerned, YOU are ALL I want, and nothing and no one else. You come to me, and maybe, together, we can figure out the way forward, since i really do not care and you do, and all I care about, really , is YOU, and nothing else.
Long as its understood that I get to kill fools that I detest, OK?
Oh, maybe I am just having a bout of wishful thinking. Who says that she will even listen to me THIS time?
I was just thinking that God by making me live, with this horror, made me nothing more than a magnet for all sorts of disaster. I could not fit into the lifestyle that was set before me, because I was stuck, frozen solid, in my trauma, and knowing that, if things happened, I would be defenceless.
or so I thought.
or so I thought.
I can not remember a single night in my formative years when I did not have a nightmare, and one time i had one that even now makes me realise how i was marked from the beginning.(After it had happened, I recall that that was the ONE and only time I ran to my parents' bedroom' to hide, and found no solace there, and never bothered to tell anyone my problems, till now, when I was trying to just stop from internal combustion because it was all God's fault that I was even alive anyway, and everyone was looking at me like i was some sort of beggar/parasite) because jackals and lions, and vultures gather where the weak and forsaken are, to torment and destroy them.
And I survived it all,because the God in me, the fulfilment -never mind your fucking 'christ' copy-cat idiocy- of the promises, about someone that BORE all your iniquities, was silently soaking it all up, and digesting it, and living with it.
Till she came up to me, and I had my bubble, my coccoon of detachment, burst, and i knew that, while I never ever wanted anything before, I wanted her with me, for me. And I could never afford to lie to her about what I was, or could be.
Before all this, it did not matter to me what happened to me, i had no incentive to carry on, and frankly, even now, I wonder why I should even bother if you are not going to be a part of my life.
I can not go on without you, and I can not stay.
I am stuck in mid-air, and i suppose that I am ... asking... you to have a heart. YOU know by now that you have me bound by bonds that I can not get free of, and I do not want to break free of them, BUT, unless there is another way out of my dilemna which even I do not grasp as yet, I can never make it without you, because I need you with me like a heart needs a beat, like... I can not even explain.
I KNOW I can not die, but then, I am dead already, so, it does not matter much, BUT, I am appealing to you to just ... make it possible for me to get to my feet.
I KNOW I can not die, but then, I am dead already, so, it does not matter much, BUT, I am appealing to you to just ... make it possible for me to get to my feet.
I can not live life like this anymore.
I can not.
I can not.
This morning, I had another flash, but I better upload a photo first... to explain
OK, so first thing I discovered when I dug deeper into that tied-up vision was that I NEED her, because she has shown me that she has a drive that I lack, and, well, I have reached a point where I can not even pretend that I will ever lift my hand or bother to do anything for myself, because I do NOT care about life that much. But for her I could bother, see.
So, God decided to take it a bit further.
Imagine that you are in kalk bay, and you are that that island, that junction where the road to boyes drive starts, and branches off from the main road.
That funny shaped thing just under the "B" of Kalk Bay. Yes, or maybe, better yet, you are viewing it from across the road, where the container where vinnie puts his stuff is. because from that angle you get the view as i saw it. A green plant that was a sort of shelter to that box with faulty wheels of vinnie's that we use to load all his stuff in, and rain was falling on the box as it was parked on that traffic island.
On the left would be tony's restaurant and the gallery, and on the right would be the road to fish hoek. behind would be the road to boyes drive.
I guess what God was telling me was that, if I remain in this locale, I am going to KILL not only the people like tony personally but also the gallery people [left is better, I suppose, that is if I left] because i have come down from MY self-drive (the mountain), I can not push my burden along anymore.
On the other hand, the right hand leads to fish hoek,... hook of fish. reminds me of the song by beenie man which goes, "like a fish you are caught inna the net/this is no disrespect"
net, caught, married?
Ok, I suppose I am at that point where I am asking you to be mine so that I do not personally kill your family members just because i can not walk away from you, and you will NOT reject me and I can not live like this.
i will kill tony, of course, but he will just die, like instantly, but, well, I am not good at hiding my temper anymore, and i am going to run out of excuses even to myself NOT to kill him, and so, i will probably just kill him anyday, anyway, unless I find an exit package.
I suppose, I NEED you, with your wits and all of you, just to negotiate this next part. At least.
I can not do this alone, not when my heart longs for you and nothing else.
Will you be mine?
no worry yourself darling you are still my pet
the nicest fish where me catch inna me net...
and this is no disrespect
[2:02- 2:-14]
Or will I just have to watch as things go down south and I end up destroying what I do not think would be so nice to mangle, not that I care, but because it all probably means a lot to you?Of course, if you say yes, i am going to the US anyway, and i am killing off people anyway, to make me a place, but hell, I am going to kill people you care about HERE unless well, unless you do something, because frankly, i have as much incentive to move as a stick that is stuck in the mud.
I am not ... forcing... you to be mine, but hell, I am done trying to fight myself. I should have left that time when I left site-5. but I had to ... look... when I saw that building, and when I saw you, when you had no need to even BE anywhere near when I came to kalk bay to get my humiliation just so that I could explode and go on with life, I SAW your worry, and it cut me to the quick and I knew, even then, that I could not do anything to harm you, that i would rather spare you pain. The only way I knew how, by removing myself from the picture. At least then, I thought, you could be free of me, because of course, it never occurred to me that you could... care... about me. So, I tried to ... will... myself to die, and hell, it was interesting. I mean, I discover a whole plethora of things about myself that make me different from anyone else, and I was like amazed. I knew for example that my heart could, for no real reason, just beat like a bird fluttering to get out of the cage, and this time, I THOUGHT about ending my life, and it started beating erratically, and I was like hmm yes. I put my hand on it, and i felt it going, and sort of started counting, and then averaged it. NO person, far as i understood in, who is NOT engaged in physical exertion, could sustain that, and so, all I needed to do was just... let things roll and then just die, of a worn heart. I had no pulse, my fingers were all going numb and I was getting dizzy, and so, I thought, hell, yeah, i am dead. Till the thought came into my mind that they would find my body, and in my death I would be labelled another loser, someone who never amounted to anything, a qualified dropout of everything. And that was when God re-set everything, because I may not like the life I am living, but I will never let someone look down on me and mock me.
Because I KNOW I am way better than everyone.
So, I came back, and there you were, going to great pains to show me that you were not attached to anyone, and even taking me seriously enough about my intent to make sure you did not make me unhappy with a repeat of the stunts you had pulled earlier to get me to be reasonable.
I understand more than you think about what kind of pressure I am putting you under, but I can not help being... ME... and if it makes any sense, I was ready to die than bother you, so, if I, who have to LIVE with myself, tell you that, unless there is another way that I do not even dream about that is open to me, and trust me, I have searched high and low, and found none, I can not help but end up tearing apart your world, unless you somehow, well, stop listening to your smug mother and pay attention to what I am saying, which is, I am HERE, to DESTROY the government that you all believe in, and set up MINE, which, far as I can see, says that I do NOT share what is mine with anyone, and so, my love, I am GOING to kill people just to make that come true.
Do not, therefore, please, please, think i need you to look after me. NO. because then, as I see, your mother, mike, everyone of the jews, would say, aha, so for that, he will need money, and we can supply that, and so, force me to take both you and your baggage.
Listen to me, YOU will not limit me to a sex starved cretin! I want you, but I am also not going to accept you on those terms. You have to grasp the full ...import... of my ... offer.
I am going to kill off every living thing from off of this planet. Some i will kill off now, because they are in my way, and the rest I will kill off later, and have them just turn back to dust and not worry about being conscious. THAT is a fact. DEAL with that. DO NOT think I will accept mike's offer of you being someone I sleep with while he sponsors the whole thing. I am the a male which means i do not brook any MALE interference in my business, and also, I am the ω male meaning that I will not have anyone take what I say and push it into regions where i have NOT specified, and far as I am concerned, YOU are ALL I want, and nothing and no one else. You come to me, and maybe, together, we can figure out the way forward, since i really do not care and you do, and all I care about, really , is YOU, and nothing else.
Long as its understood that I get to kill fools that I detest, OK?
Oh, maybe I am just having a bout of wishful thinking. Who says that she will even listen to me THIS time?
haiwaiwa
haiwa
vakomana-we mandinyarira vakomana
hiyawo ndega
mandivengereiko?
wandivengeri Shamwari yangu?
wandivengereiko Sahwira wangu?
mandivngeri hama dzangu?
wandivengere simba rangu here?
wandivengere simba rangu here?
wandivengere pfungwa dzangu here?
kundivengere munyati wangu here?
kundivengere munyati wangu here?
nyarara kuchema mwana-we
hande-hande
nyarara kuchema mwana-we
tinewe paugere
nyarara kuchema mwana-we
tinewe paurere
nyarara kuchema mwana-we
tinewe paurere
nyarara kuchema mwana-we
tinewe paunofamba
God, I surrender this into Your hands. I have said all I am going to say on this subject. I can not add anything more. MY feelings and thoughts on all this are known. Fuck, I give up! I am going to sleep.
