Saw Wreck-It Ralph, the entire movie, last night with brian, and well, it was this song at the end that gave me the inspiration for the... blog post title.
that and a few unexplained things. That I decided NEEDED explicating.
Now, let us NOT muck about, and say this and that, because when The God of All Things, the Creator Supreme, the One that einstein said does not play dice with the Universe, the Orderly and Extremely Painstaking Most High God, decides to walk into one's life, and make one aware that He is aware of that person, then NOTHING and no one even comes close to that, no one else can even compare to the EFFECT that the knowledge that the Living God is ... interested in you can have on the person. God spoke to people before, and they went mad, dressed up different and said impossible things.
how about when He comes as a Friend, or drops by to just say "hi", like I am the best thing He has ever laid eyes on?
I mean fuck it, THINK about it!
NOTHING is like it!
not even my death wish, or my mother's impact on my life even compared to that. Not even the love of a woman, much as she may not like to hear that.
And He says that He wants nothing from me but that I just be myself, and ... myself? What is that? Well, as one can probably deduce from my past, some of which I will link together just so that everyone can get it, and then, of course it will NOT help you out because THIS wayward son is going to carry on in his path, and the only peace that will come will be when I am done,and when there is no one else on the planet, which is something that will stand as I will it, because from the time I had God enter into my life, the emptiness that was there before, the feeling that I am wrong, a mistake, a glitch -told you I saw the movie- was gone, to be replaced by two things, one of which was a deep fear that I only JUST started overcoming with reason yesterday, that God saw me, overlooked me and wanted me for some use for others' benefit, which I rebelled against with all my will and would have preferred to die than submit to,and the other was that I... belonged, which, to my cynical, heartsore being, was too good to be true.
So, I decided it was the former that He wanted, and while my whole being longed for the latter, I was certain I would end up in chains, and dragged to do as He wanted despite my own uninterest in that.
So, I rebelled.
when I wanted to be the 'proper' son and look after my mother and then He aided me when I was about to give in to 'reason' and give up the Goldbach Conjecture, by going, "try the falco effect", I thought, O, shit, all along He wanted me to honour my mother and father that my days will be long, and so, I dropped it midway, and decided i would die.
THAT was when I started dabbling in death experiments.
Like I even had sex, first time, with a prostitute that did not look healthy enough to NOT be infected, unprotected sex, too, and well, I was nineteen, and I even started cursing Him, and all that, because I knew that it would make Him re-evaluate stuff and drop me,and find someone else
And everything I did left Him unperturbed.
It was people that, however could NOT stand me, and my hidden preoccupation with God. Some thought me arrogant, some an imbecile, some thought it was my mother's fault, and well, NO ONE ever sought to ask, no one bothered with ME, because of course, an imbecile does NOT know what He is doing. I may be smart as hell mathematically, but well, there ARE idiot savants after all, and I therefore, => Q.E.D. needed guidance, from all the wrong people, ha ha!
very funny!
because I came to an early conclusion that me and God, and me and people,and me and God and people, were three incidents that could NEVER ever happen concurrently, and I felt lost, and every one of my days was spent in despair, and I had no idea whether even God Himself was a Friend or an Enemy.
BUT, never ever for a moment think that I had God somewhere in the back of my mind. The desire-despair was ever there,and it drove me mad. I was shocked to see that, try as I might, I could not escape from Him, I could not run away from Him, could not even reason Him away. I tried blending in, and He told me, "I have claimed You for Myself", and then, I started really, really wanting to end my life. Waking up, in the mornings, was a chore, but I could not stay in one place, because if I tried, I got entangled in everything that people thought I had to be involved in.
Thing is, when someone is presumed beneath one, then one does not really care how hard one steps on the person's toes, or head, and so, I was a literal doormat for people who would use any and every excuse NOT to look at their own actions as injurious to me, because of course, that is what happens to life's mistakes, see, and I was a HUGE mistake, i suppose, to everyone. If I had a cent for everyone that tried to correct me for being alive, i would be a literal billionaire by now. and I did not understand why God just stood there and let it all.. happen!
So, I began to rage, and my rage started gathering in huge waves, and I kept it all bottled in, focusing on God and wanting Him to come out in the open and tell me what the fuck He wanted from me so that we could get it over with and I could just get away from it all. After all, by the time I started to be really angry, He HAD already given the "he was not, for God took him" vision, and I was already so certain that i was another elijah that I was in complete despair.
Let me put it like this.
I would wake up in the morning, and I would be, Ok, God said "be yourself", but then, He is going to MAKE me do something that I have NO interest in doing so that He can reward me, and I do NOT want to do ANYTHING for people anyway, so how are the two compatible?
Fuck IT, I will NOT make it easy for Him to get me. If He wants me, He will have to come and overcome me, I will NEVER surrender to Him!
FUCK YOU God!
It was like a mantra. I would open my eyes, remember, like a computer booting, just why I was still ... alive... and I would go, "Fuck YOU, GOD! "just to keep in practice, and think of new ways to rend and destroy any chance that I could be His puppet. Fuck, NO ONE has ever as dilligently studied God as I have, and I have looked for loopholes, and in Him I have found NONE. Jesus, the holy spirit, these were easy to disregard, but then,I was worried as to whether God had a spiteful side to Him that He did not want to show so He relegated all that to THESE, because I have suffered at the hands of the holy spirit like you would not believe.
He wanted in, and I started getting 'advice' and the funny thing was that to that blundering spirit it was a given that i MUST want to labour to earn a reward from God, and it never occurred to him that I did not, and was never interested in 'serving' God. That I did not have a knee that COULD bow, to anyone, or anything. So, I fought to establish myself,and also to get rid of the holy spirit, and to get rid of people's perceptions of who I am, or am supposed to be, and GOD?
Well,
God
Just
STOOD
AND LET IT HAPPEN
Nothing is as debilitating as having no one to look up to, and I would realise that there was no way I could honestly expect to get out of this situation by thinking, OK, God, I will plead with You and You will set me free from my chains, somehow.
Well, did I say... debilitating?
hell, it is the opposite.
Liberating, I should say.
God did NOT want to muscle in and take over and have me do stuff, and THAT has been the underscoring trademark of all His acts. When I would be overwhelmed, He never found ways out, He would always let me fume a bit, and then , then He would speak, offer advice, and then, just stand back and let me tackle it.
Fuck, dont believe me? Hell, read back. God has NEVER DONE anything for me. He speaks, argues, and never stops me from anything. He just would NOT let me die. He tells me what will be, and will not let me go from His hands, but He does not, and never did, move in to remove obstacles from my path. Shows you all, in retrospect, just how... capable... He has always thought me, dont it? I mean, face facts. If I was a child to Him, an incapable imbecile, He would not have had me face life's storms like this. No, God has... been a sort of armchair guide, and well, by NEVER muscling in on my life, and never, for that matter, allowing matters to happen so that I end up in people's clutches, He has earned my RESPECT, and I look AT Him, not as a Boss, but as an... equal. Hard to believe, but there it is. I do as I please, and He lets it all ride. Fuck, You will see it.
Though my heart is NOT in it, I confess that in my whole life I have never LOST anything, and I am starting to resign myself to it NOW, I am about, anyway, to close the door on this woman and walk away and start my reign of terror, by taking over a plane, and killing any and all who stand in my way, by any means anyhow.
Because, see, I have decided to carry on my wayward... way.
JUST as He predicted I would, after I had ... stopped... trying to offer sacrifice.
People, those of you who are left alive after this brief, and about-to-be bloodbath; you have these seven years of life left, and then, you will become dust.
President Barack Obama, I have taken a fancy to your white house. I am coming to take it and relegate you and your entire populace, at one go, to more appropriate quarters. Somewhere... warm. And NOT so humid.
In a short while.
**********
Because NO ONE tells me what to do, and has me listen.
Take THAT as a general guideline, an immutable ... fact!
It was after that, as it started sinking in that I was going to die, that I had a vision.
of a sidewinder missile.You know, moving left and right in the air, and then impacting on an invisible object, and then, all of a sudden, this person, like a heavyweight wrestler-cum-bodybuilder, comes out, and boy, the guy was strong, and almost naked except for a very brief minibrief black, like, dirty, and he was in a combat stance, like GRRRR! come and get me, and he was facing the left of the screen, from whence came the sidewinding missile, and, well, those days I was reading this guy... irving?, hell, his biography of freud, and he was saying something about freud being a timid guy that hid great reserves of fearlessness under that facade...!
I mean, for me, it was over, see?Aand God was taking it like it had not even begun, as yet, like I was not even warmed up, yet!
Took a woman, actually to get me to see the sense of it. This is the sensitive part, the part where the 'five' come in, and well, she is probably NOT going to like it anyway, but I have to say, I hate leaving loose ends, and anyway, NO ONE is forcing her to pay attention, at all. I am just putting things into perspective, here.
Woman, I am going to kill your brother. And send him to hell. NOWISH?
Maybe today.Remember that God said to abraham, walk before Me and be YOU perfect? Well, technically, when I DID say that thing, that "mwari akatuma abraham kuenda kugomo re Moriah" to sacrifice his son, i was NOT off the mark. You evidently would want me to spare your brother, and bear him in this new age, right? Hell no! Not in MY kingdom. You deliberately went out of your way to hurt me, and there is NO way, on this earth of MINE that I am going to stand for that bullshit that you threw my way, and so, I am STILL going to kill that asshole that you made me mad with. Get it?
he dies, like, eh... now.
I went out of my way to... NOT hurt you, to tell you the truth,and you repaid me with condescension and stabbed me countless times. THAT I will not overlook. SO, I am back to the basics, and here goes:- because of you, all the jews will die, as soon as I get my hands on a plane, and because of you, all those males, regardless of who, who you chose to defy me over, will also die, and make no mistake about it, they are going to hell, to burn therein and they will do so forever,and I will still spare only you and four other women, even your despicable mother... if and only if... you know the drill. BUT, I am saying this because I have to let it out there, NOT because i want you in my life. Well, I do want you in my life, but at the same time, I must confess that you... disgust me, have disgusted me, and I am really really not feeling the same towards you as I did before you... made the mav. lose his cool.
So, NO terms and conditions from YOU,my terms are these I have stated, and you are free to discard them or accept them, but then, I am not holding my breath for that. As I said, I am leaving, and well, you can buy time for your brother, OR, you can watch as he dies,and then, later on, you yourself, after these seven years, will die.
That simple. So, you can go on love lockdown, or whatever, but know that i am NOT backing down.THIS is an immutable decision, of mine.
because I can not stand lies.
I left home because I did not want to kill my mother with my bare hands.
The issue was control, pure and simple. If she just died, I would have NO control over what happened next, no control over into whose hands she may fall, and push comes to shove, she still IS my mother, and that means by right, if I have any say over it, NO ONE will get to have any authority over her other than me.
Which is REASON 1 why I left home. To get MORE control.
tell them!
them nuh real mccoy
them just some baby boy
them are talk me nuh have time fir chat boy
gun inna me hand prepare fir shot boy
see some fool are try fir draw we out
make them know we nuh go nice
well some fool are try for draw we out
its a gangster's paradise
we are war with real gun
with real blue steel gun...
war,
you dont wanna start coz you cant practice war
cant handle the part coz this is the art of
war
dog out!!!
me nuh care who
when me shoot me nuh miss like john stark
when me walk fire spark
...
me nuh care who you be
just look pon the gun where man are bust
from daylight to dusk
no pussy no fir trust
badness degree
fool call you could are be like us...?
here is the predator at his best
them are take it too far now...!
man are real gunman...
So, I am looking at the here and now pix of the ysterplaat areodrome, and my word, it is BIG. I like it.
I am taking it.I see cars standing there, google earth, see, and I am like, hmmm!, YES!
I am going to walk right through the front gate, with my... elemental... forces at hand, right?
Now, I am going to walk to fish hoek, get on a train, and then go and get me a plane, which is simple and straightforward enough, right?
I Like simple.
Straightforward is nice, no fussing, no planning, just simple a=>b=>c=>d.
Step one, I have accomplished, which was to lave home.
Step two was to leave my mother AT home, which I did also, just recently
Step three is to leave africa, which I am about to do, because I am tired of doing nothing, especially NOW that I have sorted the God and me problem
Step Four will be to have everyone else relinquish ALL the control to the one and only lord of the earth. YEAH-SSS
Well, I am feeling the adrenalin rush, the sort of madness that has always taken hold of me in times like these, like, I feel the 'reasonable' part of me going, "Are you CRAZY? They will shoot you, they will lock you up, and you will never see daylight again!"
hmm, well, I TRIED to die, and could not, and then, I TRIED to be what I thought God wanted me to be, and I failed again.
When a man's WAYS please The LORD...
I can only be GOD's, give Him PLEASURE when I am being MYSELF, and THAT is me being as UNREASONABLE as possible.
That PLAIN enough?
I mean, it is supposed to be, Government THOR;- Cape Flats, huh?, so, is THAT plain, to you, fools?
Now, you know who you are going to be facing and battling, YEAH-SSSS!
Table Boulevard, hmmm, do I take a train to century city as well, and then walk the remainder of the way? kinda interesting that.
I am going about my legitimate business as the conqueror of the earth in an illegitimate way.And I thought I would be bored, yeah right!
carry on My wayward son
there'll be peace when you are done
there awry? had to rest
dont you cry no more
me nuh carbon copy me nuh follow man...
Wonder what the 'recess' project feels about it. I mean, it is not an easy thing to realise that the stupid little idiot who got bumped on the head and needs your guidance has, in one move, checkmated you, huh? I mean, what IS important to you? That you show yourself as being something more than you really are, and we all pander to that lie, or, more to the point, you realise that the most potently destructive force this world will EVER see, happens to be the guy that you just pissed on, and made exceedingly, excessively,angry, and He decided to wipe out entire nations because He was mad? At you? Hmm, I mean, the woman would be best advised to just... die, right, with her whole ... family... anyway, because it is better than facing up to this, right?
She will probably think that it is all a joke and just watch as things happen, yes?
Oh, that is easy.
She will probably think that it is all a joke and just watch as things happen, yes?
Oh, that is easy.
You will watch, and I will make things happen, because they ARE about to start, happening, that is, YEAH-SSSS! The champ is here.
I mean, what do you think:-
Unto us a son is born, unto us a child is given
I mean, what do you think:-
Unto us a son is born, unto us a child is given
and the government will be up on his shoulders
and he shall be called Wonderful Counselor
Almighty God
Last Ever Father
Prince of Peace
of the INCREASE of his government and peace
there shall be no end
He will reign on David's throne'
and over his kingdom
establishing
and HOLDING it UP
with justice and righteousness
from that time on and forever
the zeal of YHWH will accomplish this
Was this GUY supposed to be an AlMighty... President, that is elected to power, and so must defer to people?
Or maybe something else?
Fuck, woman, I loved you. You took that and you twisted it and threw it right back into my face, and I have never been as hurt in my whole life as when you pulled your stunt. I do not know what you thought of me, and do not know what was going through your mind, but up till then, I had held you in the highest regard I have ever held anyone, and blamed myself for what was not going right!
But hell, you showed me where I stood with you, and now, well, I am showing you where I stand.
Was this GUY supposed to be an AlMighty... President, that is elected to power, and so must defer to people?
Or maybe something else?
Fuck, woman, I loved you. You took that and you twisted it and threw it right back into my face, and I have never been as hurt in my whole life as when you pulled your stunt. I do not know what you thought of me, and do not know what was going through your mind, but up till then, I had held you in the highest regard I have ever held anyone, and blamed myself for what was not going right!
But hell, you showed me where I stood with you, and now, well, I am showing you where I stand.
I hate that I am going to have to pass through kalk bay, but I am nolonger curious. I think that you effectively ended my curiosity when you did what you did.
Now, I am going.... extreme.
EXTREMELY extreme.
Anyway, c'est la vie.
The gangster is marching out, finally!
when gangsters march out a serious thing
we nuh take chat watch the words where you're fling
ah nuh lip service thing
me nuh carbon copy me nuh follow man...
Oh, and just so that you are none of you left hanging,
The MOTTO for my high school was 'per spinas ad culmina'
through thorns to the top
THAT is what the t-h-s was all about.
OK, so I chose the wrong song there, because I am hearing,
when we say we nuh funny that nuh mean we nuh have no fun
we love the girls we know of no one that are live and have none
ah, well, she chose otherwise, right?
So, while i am REALLY against living and having no girl, especially since I HAD made up my mind that she was THE one, I am NOT so sure that anyone can do anything about it. Since we are at loggerheads, here. Because she was IT, as far as I am concerned, and she took that and destroyed it.
Fuck, I can not even look at another woman, because the mav. does not settle for second best.
me nuh settle for the less I proceed fir the best.
The MOTTO for my high school was 'per spinas ad culmina'
through thorns to the top
THAT is what the t-h-s was all about.
OK, so I chose the wrong song there, because I am hearing,
when we say we nuh funny that nuh mean we nuh have no fun
we love the girls we know of no one that are live and have none
ah, well, she chose otherwise, right?
So, while i am REALLY against living and having no girl, especially since I HAD made up my mind that she was THE one, I am NOT so sure that anyone can do anything about it. Since we are at loggerheads, here. Because she was IT, as far as I am concerned, and she took that and destroyed it.
Fuck, I can not even look at another woman, because the mav. does not settle for second best.
tell them trend easy fir follow
it nuh easy fir set
no settle fir the less I proceed fir the best
and if you think I lie put me to the test
give me a beat and a mike
me nuh need nothing less
well, its about time
Fine, fine
everybody are online
its about time
log on dance storm
everybody are online
shizzle mannizle
with your foot dem two time...
Although times rough we are survivor
and we blessed coz our God are we Provider
when the posse them are put up a fight
we nuh give up we are survive, we survivor
[let them never hear]
SEAN da-Paul?
Fuck, I am DONE!
Lets MOVE out.
Ladies, gentleman, the unmannerly, baddest, worst nightmare in LIVING HIStory, is moving out.
ENTERING VEHICULAR MODE
At last!
Yeah-sss.
Fuck, I'm a dinosaur, a tyranosaurus rex, and I am out to TERRORISE.
You should in no way take any of this personally, its just ... business! see!
I will listen to some music as I go over what I wrote, and then, since we nuh backslide, we will now... move on! YEAH-SSSS!
Fine, fine
everybody are online
its about time
log on dance storm
everybody are online
shizzle mannizle
with your foot dem two time...
Hell, 30 minutes are so .... long. Ok, I will just piss off people with these other songs, like...
TOK
TOK
Although times rough we are survivor
and we blessed coz our God are we Provider
when the posse them are put up a fight
we nuh give up we are survive, we survivor
[let them never hear]
SEAN da-Paul?
Fuck, I am DONE!
Lets MOVE out.
Ladies, gentleman, the unmannerly, baddest, worst nightmare in LIVING HIStory, is moving out.
ENTERING VEHICULAR MODE
At last!
Yeah-sss.
Fuck, I'm a dinosaur, a tyranosaurus rex, and I am out to TERRORISE.
You should in no way take any of this personally, its just ... business! see!
I will listen to some music as I go over what I wrote, and then, since we nuh backslide, we will now... move on! YEAH-SSSS!
