Anyway, I then bought a train ticket to cape town, and I had SAID I was not going to be curious, but hell, I could not help it...
The fucking door to the very last carriage was open, kept open by some youths, and I had found a seat, bought lee child's 61 hours and should have settled for the journey with a good read, but I stood up, as kalk bay come into view, and looked out. Saw vinnie and the nguni cow that abisha framed and eddie plastered, and saw that... building... and then it all passed.
I have reverted to what I have always been, an outsider looking in, and funny, I met brett at pick and pay, as I was despairing of buying any REAL food, and walking out, and he had his child with him, and I passed him by, and he made as if to talk but I put on an other-business-elsewhere face, and walked on. I do NOT look back at stuff, but I am just wondering, now, you know.
Or maybe you dont. i am in wynberg now, and well, I am sort of lost. I expected some kind of disturbance when I went past kalk bay, but i never thought it would be this... devastating.
it is kinda sad, in a way. I want to destroy something, everything, yet, the inner cohesiveness, that destructive... core... is not in me, at present. I feel like thor, trying to raise his hammer and finding that he has no strength to do it. Because I want, with all my heart, that God be wrong in this one issue, because then everything else would be simple. Yet the mav. is NOT programmed to ignore God, not even the slightest... whisper. And this woman is NOT so easy to walk away from. Yet I can NOT go back.
I was getting good at this. See, difference with me? if I am at loggerheads with myself, I am completely, even physically misfiring. yet these past few days, I could visualise me ine fighting stances, and that doubt, because when I EVEN TRY, in my mind to execute an act, I judge not only the feasibility of it, but also the mental effort required to do it, and heck, I fond that what inhibition used to exist in me that made me weak and powerless was ... gone.
I KNEW that I could do as I imagined, and that, being already a weird, out-of-this-world person to begin with, I had no limits but such as i set myself, and as at that date, NONE were available. I caught myself the other day, walking with a spring to my step that I had NOT seen myself walk in, simply because the killer instinct had been awakened.
And all I wanted was to KILL, and to rend.
because I had no one to look in my face after and ask me how I could do such a thing? Since the person who came closest had spit in my face, and made me the most unhappy I have ever been, yes?
Yet, I find myself still circling about, like a hornet that has lost the familiar landmarks that it used to mark its hidden cache of food. Like things are switched, like the old way does not work anymore, like...
you know, it is not enough to just say, "this is all crap" and walk away. God said it is happening, and well, either it is, or it is not, and I am in a difficult time here, because hell, I would have loved to just kill off everyone, and to fucking hell with them all.
I KNEW that I could do as I imagined, and that, being already a weird, out-of-this-world person to begin with, I had no limits but such as i set myself, and as at that date, NONE were available. I caught myself the other day, walking with a spring to my step that I had NOT seen myself walk in, simply because the killer instinct had been awakened.
And all I wanted was to KILL, and to rend.
because I had no one to look in my face after and ask me how I could do such a thing? Since the person who came closest had spit in my face, and made me the most unhappy I have ever been, yes?
Yet, I find myself still circling about, like a hornet that has lost the familiar landmarks that it used to mark its hidden cache of food. Like things are switched, like the old way does not work anymore, like...
you know, it is not enough to just say, "this is all crap" and walk away. God said it is happening, and well, either it is, or it is not, and I am in a difficult time here, because hell, I would have loved to just kill off everyone, and to fucking hell with them all.
Right, but that does not explain her behaviour afterwards, like she is not really sure what the hell she is going to have to do to light some kind of spark in you, right?
see, she is NOT the first one to think so.
the first woman also thought the same. She actually told me the other day, "tunga, you do not love me. you care about something, but it is NOT me, and I do not know what it is". This is the same woman that, when I wrote, spitefully-at God, that is-on face book, that I had found someone else, (eh, trust me, all my LIFE is a complicated big, mess) she came out and told me that she was no longer regretting that she may have harmed me, eh, psychologically, and she can move on freely, because she had always thought that I had traumatised myself over her, and never recovered ( and this is a woman that I beat up, regularly, because she dared to actually NOT look to herself and look at what I said only without considering how she herself would like it if it was her, AND decided to sort of become some adviser of mine) and she also said that I knew and understood God and should never give up on Him, because she had seen a lot of stuff about Him with me.
And I beat her, I mean, not to mention INFECTED her.
And she still smiled the other day when we had gone out for a walk, argued again, and then she had walked back alone, in front, some guy had tried to pick her up, and I had gone for the guy like crazy. I think I beat him up. Not so sure. I was angry. A lot. And God was no help, He would come in with statements like,
you choose what kind of girl you like
you choose what kind of wife you like...
Like I had a choice.
I mean, DO I?
How about THAT=>
I ... think... that it is time to ... THINK.All my life, I have had nothing to lose, and nothing to actually care for, but when I was at the library, the same song was going on and on in the background of my mind, the song i tried to twist and turn my way by bastardising it, see?
ndiko here kumuchengeta
kwamaita?
mamutakura kumusvikisa kwamupfiga nebwe...
imba yacho iyi haina hwindo
imba yacho
haina hwindo
(is this how you look after [her]
to carry her to the house which is shut with a stone
the house that has no window)
eh, the grave
eh, the grave
There remains only ONE person that I would like to ... keep... and while I would really love to pretend that it matters nothing to me what goes on, i would be lying if I said that she does not matter a great deal more to me than... well... anything I have ever encountered IN life.
It is NOT about sex, NO, it is about a person that I can allow to come close to me and not have to worry about it, and hell, if anyone thinks that this is about being homeless, fuck, lets lay bets here and now that i can walk into that airbase and whisk a plane out of it, be the news of the whole world as i take on everything and everyone and do exactly as i please?
I mean, you MUST take into consideration the fact that I am GOING to, intend to, and WILL remove everyone else from this planet, irrespective of who it is, but right now, it is a matter of ... HOW. And the mav. is caught between just doing it,and losing out on the one person that has come to matter to me, or just say that it is maybe time we ... talked... and saw what could be done just so that I do not have to give in to the madness, huh?
i mean, I do not know. Maybe this is all nonsense, I do not know, because i am really on EDGE here, but it would be ... nice... if she was out there and there was some kind of ... life because I see me about to DO what I am NOT so sure will be explainable away. It is that simple.
OK, I am really, really, really at the point where i am really, about to blow.ok, I am crazy, I mean, let me put it out there, I am totally fucking insane, and have no morals, no remorse, no reverse gear, no one that i actually listen to, and no one that I can say could actually RESTRAIN me when I decide to do something. i do NOT ... think... that, while there is a chance that someone, THIS one, the one I care for, actually cares for me I would like to go down the path I am about to go down, REALLY.
I mean, forget the- OK, maybe it matters to you all that you will go down to hell, and burn forever, and so means something, that- but I actually take the broader view, the ME-View that if I DO this, then I am something I would never be able to live with. And I am not so keen on life at this moment, to begin with.
I always thought feelings and emotions were for other people, but I find myself torn when it comes to this one person, ah fuck, i am just beating about the bush, this is crazy, i mean, she can not really CARE for me, can she?
Nuh. I am going on, to recon this place, and see what kinda place it is.
light-dark, light, dark, trip, switch, what a fucking comedy this all is!after all, what are 400m people's deaths anyway? On the other hand, I a just a mad man that thinks he is something when he wants, what, to be...
I mean, who as ever been able to pinpoint what I want.
Can anyone SAY they have me figured out?Like, they know what makes me tick?
I mean, I have to ask myself what do I want?
The answer is to be left alone, in peace.
I may remain alone, after all this, but NO peace will be mine, no.
But I just love my privacy.
And so far, that is the farthest thing from me.
I can NOT die.
All of you can
I rule this planet.
You all do not.
I want complete control so that NO ONE will have any say over me, and that is immutable, and also, so that I kill my mother my way, oh, and all of you as well, but heck, I can do this the easy way, or the hard way.
I just do not think I have much of a choice. I am going to sleep near the airbase, thinking.
Or something like that.
Then i will blow everything sky high.
I am getting a headache, here, just trying to fight this.
I mean... FUCK!
I never asked for this, I gotta face responsibility?
to whom?
For what?
What have I ever gotten but extreme contempt from all of them? Fuck that, I owe no one anything.
ha, let them... die, just have them die, all of them, or at least, some of them, right? I am hungry. I need some food. Fuck, I am almost broke, anyway, and I am not going to eat anything till I do not know when. Fuck this. I am getting really, really hungry, here. Kinda hollow inside. Weird freak that i am, no wonder I am such a loser.
Fuck, this is one big joke. Lets get this over with.
I will pull the plug, and just get it all done with.'tired of being mocked.
I need rest. I will raid the kitchen, first, though, I think, wait till they have cooked. Must be a good, breakfast, and then i chase everyone away. Dont know what all this is all about, about anyone caring for me? She can not, can she? I mean, she showed me, did she not?
God, I hate this. Think my head will burst.
This is some weird shit. this. i thought I had me down pat, but this is beyond psycho. this is 100% loco. I mean, I knew i was crazy but I did not know I was CRAZY, you know. I a horrified at myself, here.
Maybe I should try jumping off a bridge. never tried that before. Probably tear my clothes, and i brought none to change, too. Fuck, i can not go back. I need FOOD!
Fuck THIS!
Crazy... real crazy!
I never tried a bridge, though, fuck, never tried an aeroplane either. Should be fun.
Ah, well, never follow signs and wonders, let me carry on my wayward way, and see whats up. Silly me, the song should have lyrics, should it not? lets look em up
carry on my wayward son
there'll be peace when you are done
lay your weary head to rest
dont you cry no more
sometimes something so bad happens that a terrible sadness is carried with it and the soul cant rest, and the 'crow' brings the soul back to put things right?yeah, right!Well if you believe that, that is me to the 'tee', only I have my own TRANSPORT who makes sure that I stay alive till... phase one is finished. The essence of survive, because I am not going to ever live a second longer than i must, if he ever lets go. I died.
unlike christ, I did not get a resurrection. I was brought back, as is. A dead guy. Cant romance a dead guy, can you?
Maybe that should explain what i am, and my fixation with death.
And I can not rest till I set things right!
but things can never be right for me, can they?
I am supposed to be dead, and i am alive.
Not even God coming and saying I gotta be myself can change that. He wants me alive, undead, for... ever!
I need to go and rest a while, call it an early night.
