This time, He did not even bother to wait till I had ... rested a little. I left the library thinking, fuck, my heartbeat is about 130(minimum) a minute, and I have to put my hand to my fucking heart to feel it, and I can NOT feel my pulse in my hands. Yep, I am a dead man.
i only had to go back and sleep, and not even that, when I FELT the reset button, and... the other guy took over.I had a day of... enforced ... rest because the rondebosche library was offline, and it was only as I read all of terry pratchett's "The Fifth Elephant" through and through that I figured out that He was talking about yesterday as being , for me, 'saturday', meaning a sabbath day, meaning rest, and I was unhappy. I mean, it IS difficult enough not being able to die, without you knowing that it is a fact, you know, REAL, but when He stops even pretending that you have a way out, then you are in trouble. NOBODY is as hard headed as God.
So, I tried reasoning with Him, whole day, and even beggeg Him, see, let me die, I KNOW that nothing I say gest through to you, but You have GOT to listen to me, for once You... I mean, even samson wanted to die, and You let Him, so why not me? I mean, come on, it matters nothing to anyone else, hell, I dont matter to anyone else, not even to You, and I have made a public, personal fool of myself and i am not even sure that the woman I am pining for actually CARES for me anyway, so, why let me drag on this weary life on and on, like this, let me die, You Prick! There is, after all, no way out, right?
I mean, the only way out would be to try to force this woman to obey me, and that is OUT. I want her happy, and so, if I can not make her happy, and I SEE that I am making her unhappy, let me fucking well be! It is my right!
And you know what? I got... fed. there is no way I am able to argue when I have a full stomach. Rule of thumb. No, no ravens and stuff, just He first pointed out in a vision, earlier, some bread with some chocolate stuff in it, and then some apples, and I ... well... long story, ended up, ON my way to the library, finding parcels of food, with just that, someone had left for unfprtunate people on the street, and I ... ate.
And went to the library to spend the whole day waiting like a chicken laying eggs.
And I am... scared, see? i mean, when it gets right down to it, I do not much care what anyone says about me, because I do not care that much for anyone's opinion. Except hers, and I am not even sure whether she is laughing at me somewhere wherever she is, or maybe, just maybe, I am the guy that is messing things up, but anyway, I had a discovery. See, I am fussy. I have not actually anjoyed, ever, DRINKING water, and yet I know that it is necessary, and I was mulling this over after I had -please dont ask how, i do not have THAT thick a skin- bought two drink-o-pop satchetts and filled two bottles and drunk and was full, and was contemplating life less uneasily, and the discovery was something like this;-
What if there was a way around this problem?
I mean, on one hand, I hate people, interacting with people and being around people, and I hate water, and yet I need water. Ok, so I have been trying to mould myself the way I THINK I ought to be, that is the last man on earth, see? BUT, what if i was trying to be what I am not? I mean, all I want is to be free of these... rquirements of peopls, and I bet that everyone is expecting me to give up and do as they want, yes?
but, see, I am NOT built like that. What if I couold find a way to escape earth and be free of it and NOT have to kill people? I mean, technically that is the sticking point, here, right? I can do as i want on earth, and make my presence felt, but, I do NOT actually want that, do I? To live here and just ... live.
It is all ... meaningless.
I have never wanted- stupid as it may seem- something so much as i want to see thsi woman happy- and me, the mav. is in the way of that. Ok, lets say that she takes me seriously, and is worried that I may kill off everyone she cares for, and so is hesitant? if THAT is all, well, I have a plan. In the long shot that she actually IS interested, that is.
I ran away from home because i almost killed my mother, and the more i am stuck among people, the more i want to finish the job, and I ... suppose... that is not quite the proper thing to do. However, it does not change the fact that I STILL do not like people, and the more time I spend among them, the more I WANT to kill them, with justification, too, i may add. before, it did not matter, but her face, so worried, haunts me even today, and I find that I can not just wish this all away. I ... CARE... about her. That is for certain. Anyway, thing is, I will STILL, in this plan of mine, have to go to the US. I will just scare off everyone,a nd they can move off to somewhere else, I dont care, and I will build a miniature earth, to get around the perpetual water problem. A spaceship, with trees and the space to plant food and stuff, which means that, in seven years, i have to work like a donkey, and also just point out to people the things that I dislike that would, if I satyed longer among them, end up with me killing them, and that would be, 'turning the hearts of the fathers to the children and vice versa', and so, i suppose, get them off my hair and have them look at themselves for a bit, not to me, like I am in the WRONG when I KNOW what the fuck I am talking about, fuck it.
I just do not have to kill them, I guess.
Just take THIS to the next level.
Provided I actually... matter.
If not, I suppose i will go as usual, in my normal unglues manner and just remove whatver happens to be in my way the shortest and easiet way possible, just kill it. I am sure that once I cross that line, there will be no turning back.
Maybe that is why He was always on and on at me about this:- "never send to know for whom the ball tolls, it tolls for thee", because i suppose that I will... die... with the first person i DO kill, something like that. But, see, I do not particularly care whether i live or die, and well, I know it sounds pathetic, but I can not stay like this, or go backwards. I can NOT die, God is not even PRETENDING that I have such a choice anymore, He has me by the balls and He is showing it.
the woman wants me to fit into her world. Let me put it this way;- I see your family members, and I have no habit of pretending, and they say or do sometign and I read their body language, and my temper is already frayed enough, how the fuck MUCH longer can they last? I will kill them, of course!
It is simple.
So, I need to go, and on one hand, I can do it without you, and well, here I am hoping against hope that i matter to you and that you had underestimated your influence on me that you could actually get me to STOP being sadistic, and that is all, because maybe you do not know how much YOU matter, or how much your opinion of me matters, and all that, and so, I am just saying that, since i am ALREADY exposed, I may as well, carry on and finish this like an already compromised person. (That way you can kick me all the harder for it, I guess) So, i worked a way around the water problem, and all it needs is fine-tuning, and well, I would welcome your input, in that, if... well... if i matter, that is.
I can say it now, that well, I have no such hope that you will listen to me, because, well, history speaks loud and clear about that, but at least I would have tried.
you know where I stand, and so, I am just gonna sit back, and then blame God if... when... you take me to the cleaners again.
i only had to go back and sleep, and not even that, when I FELT the reset button, and... the other guy took over.I had a day of... enforced ... rest because the rondebosche library was offline, and it was only as I read all of terry pratchett's "The Fifth Elephant" through and through that I figured out that He was talking about yesterday as being , for me, 'saturday', meaning a sabbath day, meaning rest, and I was unhappy. I mean, it IS difficult enough not being able to die, without you knowing that it is a fact, you know, REAL, but when He stops even pretending that you have a way out, then you are in trouble. NOBODY is as hard headed as God.
So, I tried reasoning with Him, whole day, and even beggeg Him, see, let me die, I KNOW that nothing I say gest through to you, but You have GOT to listen to me, for once You... I mean, even samson wanted to die, and You let Him, so why not me? I mean, come on, it matters nothing to anyone else, hell, I dont matter to anyone else, not even to You, and I have made a public, personal fool of myself and i am not even sure that the woman I am pining for actually CARES for me anyway, so, why let me drag on this weary life on and on, like this, let me die, You Prick! There is, after all, no way out, right?
I mean, the only way out would be to try to force this woman to obey me, and that is OUT. I want her happy, and so, if I can not make her happy, and I SEE that I am making her unhappy, let me fucking well be! It is my right!
And you know what? I got... fed. there is no way I am able to argue when I have a full stomach. Rule of thumb. No, no ravens and stuff, just He first pointed out in a vision, earlier, some bread with some chocolate stuff in it, and then some apples, and I ... well... long story, ended up, ON my way to the library, finding parcels of food, with just that, someone had left for unfprtunate people on the street, and I ... ate.
And went to the library to spend the whole day waiting like a chicken laying eggs.
And I am... scared, see? i mean, when it gets right down to it, I do not much care what anyone says about me, because I do not care that much for anyone's opinion. Except hers, and I am not even sure whether she is laughing at me somewhere wherever she is, or maybe, just maybe, I am the guy that is messing things up, but anyway, I had a discovery. See, I am fussy. I have not actually anjoyed, ever, DRINKING water, and yet I know that it is necessary, and I was mulling this over after I had -please dont ask how, i do not have THAT thick a skin- bought two drink-o-pop satchetts and filled two bottles and drunk and was full, and was contemplating life less uneasily, and the discovery was something like this;-
What if there was a way around this problem?
I mean, on one hand, I hate people, interacting with people and being around people, and I hate water, and yet I need water. Ok, so I have been trying to mould myself the way I THINK I ought to be, that is the last man on earth, see? BUT, what if i was trying to be what I am not? I mean, all I want is to be free of these... rquirements of peopls, and I bet that everyone is expecting me to give up and do as they want, yes?
but, see, I am NOT built like that. What if I couold find a way to escape earth and be free of it and NOT have to kill people? I mean, technically that is the sticking point, here, right? I can do as i want on earth, and make my presence felt, but, I do NOT actually want that, do I? To live here and just ... live.
It is all ... meaningless.
I have never wanted- stupid as it may seem- something so much as i want to see thsi woman happy- and me, the mav. is in the way of that. Ok, lets say that she takes me seriously, and is worried that I may kill off everyone she cares for, and so is hesitant? if THAT is all, well, I have a plan. In the long shot that she actually IS interested, that is.
I ran away from home because i almost killed my mother, and the more i am stuck among people, the more i want to finish the job, and I ... suppose... that is not quite the proper thing to do. However, it does not change the fact that I STILL do not like people, and the more time I spend among them, the more I WANT to kill them, with justification, too, i may add. before, it did not matter, but her face, so worried, haunts me even today, and I find that I can not just wish this all away. I ... CARE... about her. That is for certain. Anyway, thing is, I will STILL, in this plan of mine, have to go to the US. I will just scare off everyone,a nd they can move off to somewhere else, I dont care, and I will build a miniature earth, to get around the perpetual water problem. A spaceship, with trees and the space to plant food and stuff, which means that, in seven years, i have to work like a donkey, and also just point out to people the things that I dislike that would, if I satyed longer among them, end up with me killing them, and that would be, 'turning the hearts of the fathers to the children and vice versa', and so, i suppose, get them off my hair and have them look at themselves for a bit, not to me, like I am in the WRONG when I KNOW what the fuck I am talking about, fuck it.
I just do not have to kill them, I guess.
Just take THIS to the next level.
Provided I actually... matter.
If not, I suppose i will go as usual, in my normal unglues manner and just remove whatver happens to be in my way the shortest and easiet way possible, just kill it. I am sure that once I cross that line, there will be no turning back.
Maybe that is why He was always on and on at me about this:- "never send to know for whom the ball tolls, it tolls for thee", because i suppose that I will... die... with the first person i DO kill, something like that. But, see, I do not particularly care whether i live or die, and well, I know it sounds pathetic, but I can not stay like this, or go backwards. I can NOT die, God is not even PRETENDING that I have such a choice anymore, He has me by the balls and He is showing it.
the woman wants me to fit into her world. Let me put it this way;- I see your family members, and I have no habit of pretending, and they say or do sometign and I read their body language, and my temper is already frayed enough, how the fuck MUCH longer can they last? I will kill them, of course!
It is simple.
So, I need to go, and on one hand, I can do it without you, and well, here I am hoping against hope that i matter to you and that you had underestimated your influence on me that you could actually get me to STOP being sadistic, and that is all, because maybe you do not know how much YOU matter, or how much your opinion of me matters, and all that, and so, I am just saying that, since i am ALREADY exposed, I may as well, carry on and finish this like an already compromised person. (That way you can kick me all the harder for it, I guess) So, i worked a way around the water problem, and all it needs is fine-tuning, and well, I would welcome your input, in that, if... well... if i matter, that is.
I can say it now, that well, I have no such hope that you will listen to me, because, well, history speaks loud and clear about that, but at least I would have tried.
you know where I stand, and so, I am just gonna sit back, and then blame God if... when... you take me to the cleaners again.
