After I had seen her face, and it hit me that I was the reason she was... upset, I decided to walk away, and say, "fuck this, I give up". Funny thing, something comes and becomes clear in an instant, but takes a long time to put into words, and well, I WAS after all searching everything to see if I was ... allowed to do this, and apparently, I am ... free... to do this, so, I give up.
I am already in partial shut down, I feel my body growing cold already, my heart, at least.
The mav. is about to die.
because i can not live with myself... like this.I am a threat to the one I love, not a protector.
I was caught up by the statement, "I will send elijah the prophet; he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers OR I will come and smite the earth with a curse" => technically, I do NOT have to DO this, which will involve killing everyone else and not murdering my mother and sending her to hell, because, see all long, while He has been concerned about me being alive and not just falling for anything, He HAS left me with a way out. All I have to do, say, is, "this is too much for me", and if He sees it and realises that I really can NOT do it, then I am NOT bound to do it, and I am ... free.
Father I adore You
lay my life before You
how I love You
this is how I rejected christ, and said that, if that is what it will take to be called His, that I submit to someone who was so obviously not clued in properly, then that was too hard for me, and surprise, surprise, He started showing me that I was... right, that christ did NOT have to be involved in this, nor the holy spirit.I got to keep life, and yet, now, those worry lines, and the fact that I can not see how it would ever be possible to be happy while i inspire such sadness in a person that I would, well, rather die than hurt, I suppose that I can not carry on.
I quit.Two nights ago, and now, I am on an accelerating systems-shutdown. I tripped over the switch as i sat there, watching as she resolutely kept her back to me, meaning she was waiting, waiting, waiting, for some kind of explosion from me, and the guy that was seated , eh, that would be behind her, stood up, and made me VERY aware that he was with the woman she was talking to, by pinching/ tickling that woman in the ribs before walking away into the gallery/office entrance, and i started asking myself, what now?
I am in the ... way.
I could not bear that burden.
I mean, dont get me wrong, things turn out different, I will not think twice about sending a whole horde of people to hell, because they all mean nothing to me, but I will NOT, and I draw the line, I will not harm her. That I can not do, and never could live with. So, since i can not change, to suit her, and the only alternative is to harm her, I decided, there and then, that it was time to take the only way out and pull the escape clause on God.
So, all in all, He gets to... deal with the earth on His own.
I have reached an impasse.
my heart will not let me go on.
In secondary school, I had a freind, a girl, and we chatted and talked a lot. She just... died, when I was in form two. Now, it never went far, we just talked and well, like, guys, I guess, and one day she just started having pains in her legs, and she had to be hospitalised, and our class teacher, our english teacher, a mrs sithole, went to see her ( i was too fatalistic to try and go) and she reported that they discharged her, found nothing wrong with her, and she said that she was losing all feeling in her legs, and her hands were truning cold, and she died a couple of days later.
I found myself thinking, some time later, about the batman; how he had gone to some south american city dressed up as zorro, ended up having to don his armour as batman, but forgot to pull off the false moustache, and then, he was caught out by this policewoman that also masqeraded as an eagle/some such vigilante, and he was found out. She died a while after, and I remember the statement by the bat, or the thought from his point of view, "must everyone who discovers who I am... die?", like he was asking the one who wrote the script.
I said once that "by Saturday everyone would know who I am!", and silly me, just like with turkey, I assumed the literal day, saturday. Yesterday, I got off the train to go to this place I found to sleep between harfield station and claremont, right in the tracks, and hello, I get the theme song for this australian drama, "Saturdee", and the lines, "tomorrow's saturdee and i know where i will be, tomorrow's saturdee and i know what I'll be doing..." and while it started with this girl i knew at school, who, obviously, as far as i am concerned, now I think of it, expected things to move on further than they did, felt heartbroken and then... well... died because of it, I was thinking that NOW, now, when for the first and only time I havd found someone I actually cared for, someone I NEEDED for myself, it was all going south, I was NOT in the mood to spoil it for her by destroying her life.
So, I decided to quit.
I do not even feel hungry, and the thought of drinking water makes me feel a sort of bile in my throat, and... .
Nothing can kill me, but me. And I have come against ... me, and seen me for what I am, and found taht there is a price to pay even I can not get over, if it destroys for me the one and only thing, person I have ever cared for and so, if I can not make her happy, at least I will not be responsible for her... sadness.
Dont know what will happen to me when I die.
I only know that I have reached the watershed moment of my life.
I have always lived with myself despite what I did. I can not live with myself NOW if i try to carry on. After all, I did not yearn nor ask for this. I do not have to be committed to any way of action, i can pull out anytiime I feel it is too much.
So, I do.
Think I will read a while, and then later on, go to sleep, and maybe, just maybe, I will just pass away.
I am dying inside, and nobody knows it but me.
