I suppose that many of the things I write come as complete shocks to people because they are not what they expect from... God... for example.
I am NOT, at present, interested in that because well, that can all be proved later. what matters NOW is that there be no confusion about just what is going on.
last night, I grasped, before I walked to kalk bay -I took the trin to rondebosche just now, and I ... think ... I am going to ... stay the night, since I can say that I am officially a street-person, at least until this fog clears, for me- that technically, I have NO free will. In Life, among people, unless God Himself says that this and that is permissible. He has an ... embargo... on stuff like that. Because I can not turn away from the fact that something did happen that made me view things so awakwardly.
I have always assumed that it was the trauma of what happened that made me so lacklustre in things, but now i grasp that, when one has actually at one time given up, and ambraced death, then the person, if he DIES, and then does not actually... carry it through to its logical, decaying-body conclusion, the person is STILL (zombie ^)dead, and the things of life just sort of... are... secondary.
I came back with a burning question;- WHY?
Why did He spare me, and pull me back?
Also, what was behind that door, something good or something bad?
then, Who?
I can not lie, these things happened to me, and i was ... curious. My curiousity has led me to... want the answers, and in finding the answers, i have come face to face with the purpose of God, and while I will stress that I am, as a ... living person... just as clueless as to what i should do as the next person, I am also, at the same time, pointing out that, thing between me and God is such that it can not be said that He is literally directing me to do stuff, but we both know that he started the ball rolling, and if He had not done something, then I would have no bone to chase, and ... therefore... He is in charge. i can therefore BLAME Him, see?
And be confident that EVERYTHING I do will be under His sanction and acording to His will... uh, OK, He caught me napping there, I mean, He will permit anything and everything that I do, because it is all part of the ... process, I guess.
I therefore can do NO wrong, in His eyes, unless I try to do what I do not really want to do, in which case He ... warns ... me, and STILL does not raise the red flag to stop me, because, see, no matter what I fall into, I can get out of, because nothing exists that cn keep me down forever.
I ... think.
No, there IS one thing that I am not immune to, and that is heartbreak. I have survived all this time by not having anyone really close to me, and that has worked out fine, because i never got emotionally and deeply involved with anyone, ever. i was aware that I was going to die, or trying to, so I never gave myself away.
Now, see, i am at that stage where I can ... give... up... life, if I am squeezed into a mould or into a place where i do not want to be in.
I am really a rather simple person, not complicated at all, I just like things neat and straightforward, and well, that may make no sense to anyone else, but i can not even think straight if the boxes are not clearly labelled.
See, really, I can not be made responsible for the welfare, well-being of someone that is of no ... use... to me.
I love this woman, I mean, complicated as it might be I do, and I wanted, want, to run away because i fear that I may open a door to someone and she will then be able to pull the plug on me, in the only way that a person who has the keys to one's heart can do, and so, i can not actually allow her through my threshold till I am certain that she comes alone, no baggage.
because I am very sure that if I can die, she would be able to do it.
yet I am also 100% sure that I want her with me.
Alone, with me.
See, I exist because i look to God's word, and I am sustained by the ... hope... that there is a... point... to this, a goal, a goal of ... good... personal success for me, and so, what do you think would happen if, all of a sudden, that distant goal was reached and it turns out to not be what I ... hoped for? I would have nothing left, that is what.
I suppose that this all, is for one person, because no one else actually matters in this, and so, I am just asking you, what you think, that I shouldn try to forget all that has happened before, and focus on trying to please you now, and then somehow at the same time switch off the light in my own life, or maybe that, while you may not actually like it, or be at ease with it now, I should be allowed to carry on being ... me?
I am getting to the point where i would rather have you any which way, just so long as i can have you in my life, and what I am saying is, I suppose... I dont know, seeing you as you were last night, so on the edge, made me think that maybe, maybe you would never understand where I am coming from unless you were actually in it, with the power in your hands, to do as you pleased, because, after all, I do not actualy matter that much, not to anyone.
So, if that matters to you so much, that you be at ease, then, the choice is yours. think about it, I would be out of the way, and everyone will be happy, and no one will have to ... die, at the end of this.
if you cared, you would be sorrowful a bit, but you would have done a greater good for everyone else. So, I am tired, you know, tired to the bone. I can not keep up this ... pressure for any greater length.
Do as you please.
I can NOT decide.
Guess i never could where you are concerned, and the irony of it is that I NEED to decide now, just to stop from degenerating.
I am NOT, at present, interested in that because well, that can all be proved later. what matters NOW is that there be no confusion about just what is going on.
last night, I grasped, before I walked to kalk bay -I took the trin to rondebosche just now, and I ... think ... I am going to ... stay the night, since I can say that I am officially a street-person, at least until this fog clears, for me- that technically, I have NO free will. In Life, among people, unless God Himself says that this and that is permissible. He has an ... embargo... on stuff like that. Because I can not turn away from the fact that something did happen that made me view things so awakwardly.
I came back with a burning question;- WHY?
Why did He spare me, and pull me back?
Also, what was behind that door, something good or something bad?
then, Who?
I can not lie, these things happened to me, and i was ... curious. My curiousity has led me to... want the answers, and in finding the answers, i have come face to face with the purpose of God, and while I will stress that I am, as a ... living person... just as clueless as to what i should do as the next person, I am also, at the same time, pointing out that, thing between me and God is such that it can not be said that He is literally directing me to do stuff, but we both know that he started the ball rolling, and if He had not done something, then I would have no bone to chase, and ... therefore... He is in charge. i can therefore BLAME Him, see?
And be confident that EVERYTHING I do will be under His sanction and acording to His will... uh, OK, He caught me napping there, I mean, He will permit anything and everything that I do, because it is all part of the ... process, I guess.
I therefore can do NO wrong, in His eyes, unless I try to do what I do not really want to do, in which case He ... warns ... me, and STILL does not raise the red flag to stop me, because, see, no matter what I fall into, I can get out of, because nothing exists that cn keep me down forever.
I ... think.
No, there IS one thing that I am not immune to, and that is heartbreak. I have survived all this time by not having anyone really close to me, and that has worked out fine, because i never got emotionally and deeply involved with anyone, ever. i was aware that I was going to die, or trying to, so I never gave myself away.
Now, see, i am at that stage where I can ... give... up... life, if I am squeezed into a mould or into a place where i do not want to be in.
I am really a rather simple person, not complicated at all, I just like things neat and straightforward, and well, that may make no sense to anyone else, but i can not even think straight if the boxes are not clearly labelled.
See, really, I can not be made responsible for the welfare, well-being of someone that is of no ... use... to me.
I love this woman, I mean, complicated as it might be I do, and I wanted, want, to run away because i fear that I may open a door to someone and she will then be able to pull the plug on me, in the only way that a person who has the keys to one's heart can do, and so, i can not actually allow her through my threshold till I am certain that she comes alone, no baggage.
because I am very sure that if I can die, she would be able to do it.
yet I am also 100% sure that I want her with me.
Alone, with me.
See, I exist because i look to God's word, and I am sustained by the ... hope... that there is a... point... to this, a goal, a goal of ... good... personal success for me, and so, what do you think would happen if, all of a sudden, that distant goal was reached and it turns out to not be what I ... hoped for? I would have nothing left, that is what.
I suppose that this all, is for one person, because no one else actually matters in this, and so, I am just asking you, what you think, that I shouldn try to forget all that has happened before, and focus on trying to please you now, and then somehow at the same time switch off the light in my own life, or maybe that, while you may not actually like it, or be at ease with it now, I should be allowed to carry on being ... me?
I am getting to the point where i would rather have you any which way, just so long as i can have you in my life, and what I am saying is, I suppose... I dont know, seeing you as you were last night, so on the edge, made me think that maybe, maybe you would never understand where I am coming from unless you were actually in it, with the power in your hands, to do as you pleased, because, after all, I do not actualy matter that much, not to anyone.
So, if that matters to you so much, that you be at ease, then, the choice is yours. think about it, I would be out of the way, and everyone will be happy, and no one will have to ... die, at the end of this.
if you cared, you would be sorrowful a bit, but you would have done a greater good for everyone else. So, I am tired, you know, tired to the bone. I can not keep up this ... pressure for any greater length.
Do as you please.
I can NOT decide.
Guess i never could where you are concerned, and the irony of it is that I NEED to decide now, just to stop from degenerating.
