Early morning. Maybe before ten.In kalk bay.
I would be lying if i said i slept the night. I closed my eyes, yes, and i was really unsettled, and i was getting the hang of the fact that when i started on the negativity stuff, I would hear a tattoo beating over my head, almost instantly, and funny thing, i had a broken sort of dream, where i was like iron man, with that machine of his, jarvis?, and the machine was not speaking all that well, not as in the movies, not that crisp sparkling english english, and well, i was staring at some mess the thing had made, and I was upset, and then the 'machine' goes, "I have a mind of my own, too", and that was it.
So, of course when she showed up, I was like, not really THAT surprised, BUT I was a bit... unhappy, because it was after the entire course of the day that I realise just how tied up I am with this woman.
This has nothing, I guess, to do with... me being the boss or what. I suspect strongly that I am being told the same thing that I should have paid attention to from the word go, only, of course, I mean, NO ONE will accept that I am what I say I am, except someone that really sees me for what i am, right?
"How many times shall I say I'm sorry!".
I am not a machine, I have a mind of my own.
Guess i saw that one after a while, after I became truly desperate and walked around, and there, in the restaurant was this loose magazine- I am a confirmed skeptic, i am not sure it just arrived there on its own- with the poster that is the blog picture above.
And my anger was not resolved, because, as i said before, the mav. does NOT bow down to anyone, and my terms still have not changed, and so, I was forced to think that maybe, just maybe, I should do the one thing I had promised myself I would not do. I would set even the fool of a brother she had used to get me mad off the noose. After all, whether anyone likes it or not, I am STILL going to kill off everyone else on the planet, but if she thinks that there is any way that she or anyone else can STOP that, well, THAT matter is one in which they will find just how ... serious ... God is when He says that He will not let me fall.
PEOPLE, make this abundantly clear in your minds, YOU all are going to die.
With what i have seen today, I am pretty sure, skeptic that i am, that I am going to do it manually too, to such people as persist in thinking that i am interested in being pressured to do as they think I... must.
I HOLD all the aces, and no one can argue with the apex predator and survive, so, fools, get this into your minds, mike, the gallery woman and all you, like vinnie's pastor, who think that you can convince me to become mellow because you happen to think you have something that can be used as a lever to make me more... humane.
YOU WILL DIE. In less than seven years. You can die now if you continue to piss me off, or you can die later, but you are DEAD. THAT nothing and no one will ever, ever change. MY world this is, and MY world this will remain,and the ONE who sees to it means to make sure that it stays like that. I was not joking when I said that this war, if you fight me, you will end up going against God Himself, well, you are about to see just how serious He is in that.
Because the power is in MY hands, reluctant as they might be to grasp it, but now, I do NOT even have to think about it before this, which is so small, starts to happen. Now all it needs is the missing link, thunder and lightning, and well, i will get angry and lightning will kill off the offending party. Without me having to ... THINK ... about it.
Me, i was waiting for her to shove me off the edge into the abyss, which is what was on my mind as i set up to do all this, because of course, all these things about me being what i am are to me an insurmountable barrier to any kind of life with the woman because, maybe, just maybe, we do indeed live in two different worlds from which there is NO possible link because, of course, she and I can never be reconciled, on the face of it.
But I do not suppose that God is a fool. Or that He plays dice with The Universe, and well, I am alive when I should be dead, i can not die because i have a keeper who makes sure that, despite my own inclinations to that end, i live, and thrive, and am not kept down by anything, not sickness nor people nor adversity, because i am meant to dominate, to be... lord over everything. She would not, of course, grasp that, and as I walked away after another of mike's stunts- i wonder if he knows just how close he is to having his life snuffed out by me because i am no longer even seeing him as a person but in bits and pieces, for daring, insect that he is, to think he can interfere in a business that has and never will have, nothing to do with him. I may just separate his head from his shoulders and carry on my way without waiting for anything to change because I will NOT be questioned as to the validity of something that I never asked for, never even wanted, but which is forced on me and some fools think they must tell me how to deal with it.
Fools, I will incinerate you and leave nothing , not even ashes to mark your passing if you do NOT step out of my way. This is not about ME being reasonable, this is about me being ALIVE when i have NO interest in life, so even SHOW your faces anywhere near me, and i will destroy you. The mere sight of you fools makes me want to throw up, and THAT means you disgust me, and so, if you want to challenge me fro something that I am and not by my fault, please, just let me ... SEE... yo and you are dead.
As for the woman, I wonder what she thinks i am supposed to be to her. Someone she has affection for? And ignores? Or what? Someone that she can not come even close to? Why? because I am some kind of leper? Get this clear, you undecided .... HHHHHHH ... you. I am either someone you want or I am NOT and you will NOT have it both ways.
Fuck, why did I have to end up like this?
fuck it, I am not some... brother... that you care for, because never did i ASK that of you. I have wanted you to be ... MINE... and you take that and twist it the way you want, and you forget that i am a person with a refined sense of right and wrong- I HATE God BECAUSE He did not ask me for permission before He did all this to me, and you think that you, a mere person that is not able to even think NOW what tomorrow ill be, can take me for a ride on the simple question that I ask you, about what you THINK of me as You see me, because either YOU care or you do not, and I am not talking something out of demolition man here, where they plug in headphones and have 'sex' that is safe and involves no touching, I am asking YOU what you SEE when you LOOK at me, and that I am NOT amused at being given the runaround by a person who thinks she can suck up my words like some tape worm and then use them against me.
Get your head screwed on straight, or by God you will cross the line on me when you do not even expect and i will KILL you, with you so confident that nothing can touch you. I have warned you a lot about just what i am, and you persist in taunting me. I am not a pushover, because i give back more than 100% what I get, and fuck it, I could so easily hurt you... except that
I am helpless when I even remember your smile.
I am so completely in love with you I can not even look at anyone, and your will-o-the-wisp approach to me is getting me mad. Would it hurt you to actully TALK to me, and day whatever is on your mind, and let me know what the fuck you THINK instead of this silent treatment? This is making me feel like some kind of idiot, and I am losing my very well developed sense of ... reality... here! I mean, I have to wake up with the FACT that i can not escape because i witnessed it, that I am TECHNICALLY dead, and yet I am alive, with a body that seems to have a mind of its own and that I can withstand things that even i KNOW no normal person can stand. I have a back that burns and seems to be a heavy load when i am worried sick, and for the past few months it has been all about you, and the fact that I am almost certain everyday i wake up that I am going to lose you, and i want you when i am also sure that i will NEVER have you, and i am so annoyed everytime by the fact that women still think me wrong that i am settled on you and they keep on popping up left, right and centre and i have to ask myself, especially when i saw that other one that has those funny eyes and was no longer driving that benz but was in the black VW today, why I am even making myself so stressed up by you when all these others come calling.
Oh, you silly woman, NONE of them are you. You are all I want in my life, and I do not want anything or anyone else from you. How many times must I say that before you get the truth?
If I wanted some pushover lady to keep me, I would have no shortage of women to pick from. you have seen me talking to people, and have noticed that even the most stand-offish ends up laughing and punching me on the arm after a few seconds with me. i could charm the pants off anyone if i was that inclined, but i am not. I am tired and i want to be far from people, to no longer have to put on a mask and pretend to like people. Oh, my love, just please if you do not love me in that way, the way a MAN should be loved by a woman that 'has a mind of her own' at least let me have the decency to just depart on my own, and go seek my rest far off.
I can not stand this anymore.
I love you so much it hurts seeing you in that glass case of yours. Come down off it, and be human, be just a woman, and stop trying to live inside my head, because you will get lost.
Solomon, a wise man, said, and i have been thinking this because of the way it got thrown to me, that, "as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he", and well, what i discovered even from the beginning, when I studied God, and how He did things, He started DOING things in the mind, and the story begins with HOW, but there is no mention of WHY.
He hid that, and it took me working at it day and night to figure out HIS intent, His reason, His HEART.
Why He did it.
You are thinking of how. You want to stop me from displaying my anger, want to stop me from leaving, want to stop me from NOT wanting to mix and mingle with your family and friends, want to stop me from NOT wanting to kill people, and you do not ever ask yourself WHY I feel I MUST do that. What is in my heart that can make me so certain that people HAVE to die if I must live, and why I am feeling so confident that I WILL do it> I have said it ad nauseum. I am a person who has had nothing, has wanted nothing from day one but what came on its own, because i am so afraid of trying to latch on to anything when i am what i am and then having that thrown into my face, and i have NO idea how you and me happened, but it did, and I have grown to want you and yet hesitate about it all because i am so afraid that if i was to hide anything about what i am to you, you would find out about it anyway and then reject me, or maybe settle down to being with me just out of habit, because you feel obligated.
I want no obligations from you. I have respected you enough to let you know what i am, where God fits into this, and where i am headed, and i have laid it out in the open, to you. First time, you hurt me bad, so bad that i am still reeling in shock from it everytime I even see you, or am in kalk bay, or even see anyone from your family or circle. I hate them all, and yet, i have had no real reason to walk away from you, mainly because of God showing me the truth behind your deceptions, and also because i have started paying attention to you, the person, and tried to figure out why you do things and what i must there fore be doing that makes you feel you have to react in a way that makes you feel less imposed on by me.
I mean, I am literally serious when i tell you that I do NOT care for anything except you, and that i am having to adjust my thinking to see just where i may be trying to make you into a miniature me, a machine like creature out for peace the only possible way, by wiping out the competition.
So, I am willing to let you take the driver's seat, because i am clueless about not treading on your toes, but that does NOT mean that I am asking you to lead me to your family. Give it UP, because there is only one way prolonged exposure to people that i do not regard will end;- I will be backed into a corner and I will strike like a cobra, deadly, and remorselessly.
Please, let me be me. DONT try to change me.This is way over your head, because I really, really want everyone else dead, and I am so firm about it that NO ONE can change my mind. God would not latch onto me if that was something that was not so obvious even to Him that He would start advising me on the best way to go about it. Think about it. There would be no way i and God would walk together if there was no agreement of come sort.
Hell, I love you.
As I am.
I am not the hero here, I am just an overdeveloped victim who never did learn how to hide himself from people because he is too weary of life to bother trying to make do, like all others. Which means I am, by my very existence, an enemy to everyone, since nothing about me fits in and accepts the norms of life.
maybe you thought I was high on something, or crazy when i said first time i was waiting for your answer so that i could leave, and that is maybe why you did what you did. the way i found out that you really cared for me was HOW you did even those crazy things of yours.
you could have used anyone else, but you have prefered to 'seem' to make me unhappy by yanking my chai without being yourself compromised.
Like you are doing even now, NOT actually telling me to fuck off but at the same time trying to be subtle about the fact that there are some things about me you do not like.
hell, I have had 32 years of life I do NOT want , and i will never want to live, thank you very much, so, frankly, I am lost in the social grace department, which is why you may think that i am something that you would like to stereotype as one thing or the other, when in effect I am just barely- fuck that i am not ... EVEN...- hanging on.
I do not want to even breathe, sometimes my very ribs creak when I try to be normal too quickly and i find myself choking because something is not and has never been right. i have had a constant pain under my ribs from way back when because it is an effort, I suppose, for my muscles to even support my frame with that part of the side where the ribs were taken off from our ancestor to make a woman, so empty. I can not sustain myself, and i suppose i need you in that sense, to make me whole, to return what was taken from the first man just so that i can be complete. Without weakness.
The Belt
To strengthen that which is falling.
hell, i am so desperate i am resorting to some poetic language here, but the simple truth is that, I am so completely blown over by you, by the fact that you are willing to fight even me just so that i do not destroy MY life that you will do even crazy things.
That is what i love about you, your stubbornness. I need you. You your crazy outlook-crazy is good by the way- and I will probably just go totally destructive if you are not with me.
maybe needing you is not as attractive as wanting you, but hell, I am not so sure of myself just now to speak of how the sight of you in those provocative clothes makes me want to rip off your clothes and do something unseemly to you there and then. Which is why it would be nice if you did THAT in places where I CAN rip them-OK, maybe tear, umm, take them - off without exposing you or me to public ridicule, which i suppose has been my whole ... POINT from the word go!
I need a song.
Ah, well, this song below also says something, if i can recall, about judging by appearances. I do not know what you think I am after, but hell, why judge me BEFORE you have HEARD what i have to say in MY defense. I mean, listen up, and first assess the testimony, and then JUDGE me as you think;- what happened to innocent before proved guilty, or does that apply to cases where the person does not happen to be out to end the lives of everyone else because he has a RIGHT above and beyond yours or anyone else's to do just THAT?
dont look at me and judge me
by the colour of my skin and the colour of my eyes
only Jah alone can judge me
its true to life I got love inside
dont look at me and judge me
by the colour of my skin and the colour of my eyes
only Jah alone can judge me
its true to life I got love inside
me nuh inna dem schism
me nuh inna dem 'ism'
me born race-is-'ism'(...?!)
right now corruption gets deal with
set the people free
and keep on living...
I am an unabashed racist. I hate all races. I hate the black people because they are so smug about following rules and social norms by customs that none of them actually pay more than lip service to. I hate the coloured people because they inherited the worst of both worlds and i hate the white people because they pretend to be enlightened but allow their women, who are judged BY appearance -never you all fucking say any different- flaunt themselves blatantly for everyone and yet wonder why the guy that she should be settling for ends up making her pregnant and giving her kids!
I hate ALL people because they are either participating IN or about to be part of , the crazy ritual where one lies to the person that he or she is supposed to be interested in by NOT giving that thing that would make the person being aimed at at ease because he or she is more interested in NOT giving out too much of herself to someone that is likely to NOT respond to the same way, and so, a culture of lies is set up and developed, because it is all safe that way. THAT, people, because I am a survivor of a particularly harrwoing instance of this culture of lies, is WHY i am going to destroy this whole earth of its people, and WHY, I am NOT out to beat around the bush where you are concerned, woman and try to hold out for better things.
I have lived through hell, and i am not going to be a partaker of hell anymore. I will lay out my heart to you 100% and if that is not to your liking, i will pick it up and walk away with head held high, and still be a survivor, because i am NOT going back to a place that i came from. No,I am my mother's son, the firstborn of mankind, and THAT is the reason why everyone else MUST die. That is where me and God are connected, "for the first-born male among you, that parts the matrix belongs to ME" says YHWH.
I do not know if that makes sense to you at all, but THIS world is mine 100% because of the fact that two people who lied to each other had sex, and the woman was NOT able to live with the outcome, and tried to wipe it away, and God said "NO", and from then on, He has been letting me KNOW why I am alive, and why I must do something.
Now, that is me, prince mutasa.Will i make your acquaintance, or will I go away, alone, and carry on without you.
Do you want someone who lies to you, or cant you handle the truth?
or will you lie to ME as well.
Since i probably, to you, am just a liar?
interested in cash, or cars, or sex?
Will you continue insulting the lord of the earth because you assume you have ... rights?
How long will you try my patience?
Are you prepared to carry that on?
why will you die?
