none but ourselves can be ourselves
judgement, again again again
from you see you carbon then you can know one
different from the original man
well [ prince mutasa] is the almighty one
and not john pope the second.
well me see clear down in a revelation...
This is NOT me patting myself on the back, this is me just stating a fact, something that I find does not seem to go down AT all with you fools. Now, i said it plain, right, that I am a bit... tied up, at present... because i find myself in a very strange situation, where I happen to ... love... this one woman, and i am unable to just walk away until and unless i push her in a certain direction so that she ... rejects... me, and I kill her, and then wreck havoc worldwide, because, frankly, I do not BELIEVE that, as I am, she could love me. Maybe that is why she tried to change me so much, when in effect I do not give a hoot about anyone else, except her, and i have reached the point where i am grimly aware that the continued existence of a whole lot of people, is simply because i still can not squash this unruly thing called ... hope. Hope that she will accept my terms and conditions -because frankly, unless things go MY way, there will never be any 'going' for her at all; i will leave her in hell- and not hide herself, because the more she hides herself, the more I am exposed to people, and the more I revert to bare existentialism, which means, i go back to my biases, like, there will not remain a single coloured person alive, and of course, i am totally destroying kalk bay anyway, and almost every white person in it, and of course, all that I thought last at the end of the year comes into effect anyway.
but all those biases are not her fault, it is just... fuck, let me update my post and listen to this song about someone that is not a carbon copy but is... unique... just as i am unique, and neither for you people, nor for God, much as you may NOT like it!
Now, I am easily impressionable, and that must be something that people notice and grasp easily about me, but then, what happens is that i tend to be like a broken record, going back over and over over the same thing, and puzzling it out to get to WHY someone acted or said something that he or she did or said, till I find the truth, see?
So, I am processing everything even as I speak to people, trying to dig beneath the surface to find out whether the friendliness or the bonhomie is genuine or just a ploy to get something out of me. Which is why I am not friends with God, who, after I tried to get deep down and find out what the fuck He wanted from me, told me to "be Myself", and thus, pointed out that HE wanted nothing from me, but would get satisfaction from me being me, which is ... THIS... which I will try to point out in as many words as possible
first and last word on ANYTHING
antisocial
unlimited
prejudiced
regarding any territory as MY own, and not suffering anyone to walk on it unless with my permission
bossy
proud
arrogant
knowing no law but my own
full of bloodlust
with murderous intent towards all people
...
you get the drift.
Now, where, in all this, does a woman, a person whose ... good... opinion of me i have found means a lot to me, and who is a person I am frankly scared i will never get to hold and tell her "I love you", and mean it with my whole heart, even as I go about not just decimating the entire earth, but also decimating the decimated parts, till there remains nothing that not only trembles at my word- because frankly, fools you DO tremble at my words anyway- but also gave me reason NOT to be so bloodyminded towards them, and chose to rather walk away and not contest territory with them, but let them have some free space.
I mean, the two things do not jive, they do not gell, because, of course, you are all ... normal... and to you, tomorrow will be like today will be like yesterday, and so, the thought that drastic change can just so... suddenly happen, is alien to you.
but, I am fed up, and i can not hold in my anger anymore
I am caught between the two;- judgement and... love..., and well, what I AM can not be chained or reined in, so, if she does not find me acceptable as I am, I am going to have to tear myself off from her.
And what I wanted was to have both, but hey, as i have been saying all along, I am pragmatic, and i would have loved it if she just gave me reason to say, with finality, aha, now I can kill you, and walk away, because this woman has made my insides knot so much that for the whole day now, i have been unable to even EAT anything, because i have this hard knot in my stomach, and i am very, very scared that the ONE person I would rather protect from any harm is the one I am unable to save from... myself.
this morning, I got to kalk bay, and my heart sank as I saw, from a distance, the upstairs windows of the building open.
I had to walk away, steel myself a bit, and then go looking for her round head by the windows. I did not find it, and I was both relieved and frustrated. of course, if she rejects me i am going to kill her, but hell, why can she not just pretend that I am mad and defy me like she did before, and I get to put the 'full-stop' on this maddening game?
anyway, when first brett's cousin, mike's SO, decided to show up, and then, a heartbeat later, mike himself drove by, I was like, 'fuck!'. I mean, them fools are dead anyway, and them trying to be the 'in-betweeners' in this whole thing just pisses me off some more. I do not give a fuck about them, and frankly, even if their POINT was 'see, the one you want is not here', then why the fuck were they showing up in the picture? i do not want their faces obstructing my view, because i have eyes for only ONE person, and it is her opinion that I seek. Closure. As for the rest of them, well, they are dead, and I can not stand them anywhere on this planet. Fuck, I will have them under it, yeah-ss
Now, i had gone, after a while, to the container, and as I was locking up, here comes brett, and he tries to give me a handshake and 'compliments of the new season'. now, when he last tried to greet me, I ignored the handshake, and that did not get through to him. I did the same today, and still he tried to be... 'nice'. fuck, i will kill him. What does he not understand about THAT? there is no friendship between us, and if he was such a staunch christian as he purports to be, would not his strength be in the messiah? To save him? Why the double standards? Or are you not as sure of yourself as you seem to be? Fuck, you will have plenty of time to converse with your lord because I will prepare a special corner for you all, when I strip him of all his vaunted power and make him just-like-you.
YEAH-SS!
but all those biases are not her fault, it is just... fuck, let me update my post and listen to this song about someone that is not a carbon copy but is... unique... just as i am unique, and neither for you people, nor for God, much as you may NOT like it!
Now, I am easily impressionable, and that must be something that people notice and grasp easily about me, but then, what happens is that i tend to be like a broken record, going back over and over over the same thing, and puzzling it out to get to WHY someone acted or said something that he or she did or said, till I find the truth, see?
So, I am processing everything even as I speak to people, trying to dig beneath the surface to find out whether the friendliness or the bonhomie is genuine or just a ploy to get something out of me. Which is why I am not friends with God, who, after I tried to get deep down and find out what the fuck He wanted from me, told me to "be Myself", and thus, pointed out that HE wanted nothing from me, but would get satisfaction from me being me, which is ... THIS... which I will try to point out in as many words as possible
first and last word on ANYTHING
antisocial
unlimited
prejudiced
regarding any territory as MY own, and not suffering anyone to walk on it unless with my permission
bossy
proud
arrogant
knowing no law but my own
full of bloodlust
with murderous intent towards all people
...
you get the drift.
Now, where, in all this, does a woman, a person whose ... good... opinion of me i have found means a lot to me, and who is a person I am frankly scared i will never get to hold and tell her "I love you", and mean it with my whole heart, even as I go about not just decimating the entire earth, but also decimating the decimated parts, till there remains nothing that not only trembles at my word- because frankly, fools you DO tremble at my words anyway- but also gave me reason NOT to be so bloodyminded towards them, and chose to rather walk away and not contest territory with them, but let them have some free space.
I mean, the two things do not jive, they do not gell, because, of course, you are all ... normal... and to you, tomorrow will be like today will be like yesterday, and so, the thought that drastic change can just so... suddenly happen, is alien to you.
but, I am fed up, and i can not hold in my anger anymore
I am caught between the two;- judgement and... love..., and well, what I AM can not be chained or reined in, so, if she does not find me acceptable as I am, I am going to have to tear myself off from her.
this morning, I got to kalk bay, and my heart sank as I saw, from a distance, the upstairs windows of the building open.
anyway, when first brett's cousin, mike's SO, decided to show up, and then, a heartbeat later, mike himself drove by, I was like, 'fuck!'. I mean, them fools are dead anyway, and them trying to be the 'in-betweeners' in this whole thing just pisses me off some more. I do not give a fuck about them, and frankly, even if their POINT was 'see, the one you want is not here', then why the fuck were they showing up in the picture? i do not want their faces obstructing my view, because i have eyes for only ONE person, and it is her opinion that I seek. Closure. As for the rest of them, well, they are dead, and I can not stand them anywhere on this planet. Fuck, I will have them under it, yeah-ss
Now, i had gone, after a while, to the container, and as I was locking up, here comes brett, and he tries to give me a handshake and 'compliments of the new season'. now, when he last tried to greet me, I ignored the handshake, and that did not get through to him. I did the same today, and still he tried to be... 'nice'. fuck, i will kill him. What does he not understand about THAT? there is no friendship between us, and if he was such a staunch christian as he purports to be, would not his strength be in the messiah? To save him? Why the double standards? Or are you not as sure of yourself as you seem to be? Fuck, you will have plenty of time to converse with your lord because I will prepare a special corner for you all, when I strip him of all his vaunted power and make him just-like-you.
YEAH-SS!
live up..
babylon ask
[prince] why your temper
none of them can handle the judgement-a
me give them 100%-a
the fire where are burn from epicentre
the whole a babylon
army get run over
[prince mutasa] are him Rambo ya
then have fir give up
then have fir give up
when them still live up
tell them the youth them cup it full
and it are run over
when the cup them full and run over
when the cup them full and run over
live up
a judgement
yes -ire
Now, what got me REALLY off was that, after them pesty numerous coloured kids bothered me, and vinnie was amused at my short temper with them, i went and sat with my back to the cameras, see, because the other times when I was going, "Shit, i am going to kill this woman!", and was knotting my hair, first the gallery woman showed up, immediately-talk about hard of hearing;- I had to go to the toilet to dunk my head in water in disbelief, and then, the other time, it was this other girl who also works in the gallery who has this topknot walked by, also, like I am supposed to, i do not know what. Just like the imp, I was not handed the script- and of course, he had to show up, looking mournfull like he had been told he was terminally ill, and about to die-snap, he IS about to die [which is another reason I have grave doubts that SHE is going to actually sit for this. I mean, she was very loudly defiant when it came to that the other time, before she disappeared-fuck, I miss her. I was telling myself that the next time I see her, I am going to run after her and grab her, and not let her go ... yeah, right, dream on wishful thinker- and so, this may not sit well with her, and she is probably going to sock me in the jaw or something. hell, I miss the woman big time, especially as I see all these other 'wanna be's" who can not get it into their thick skulls that I am NOT interested, like the earnest-faced breastless blonde who works for mike, and this other blonde who, when vinnie was handing me dough in the olympia bakery decided to make herself conspicuous also, like i am starved for women and that. I know it all sounds very ... overdone... but yep, "they are dead". just like almost everyone else, even the restaurant woman, and her daughter- daughters! Fuck, stay out of my hair. Speaking of hair:- I went and sat under the pizza stove, and up comes tony's wife, mary, and she starts with my hair, pulling off of it something she said was dirty- which was a part of MY hair, anyway, and then she goes on and on about cleanliness. now, my beef with people who provide a public service, like restauranters and stuff, is:- KNOW your limits. If you let someone sell stuff at your premises, then that person has the same dignity as you, and he is not to be hounded and chased like a dog because he must always appear beholden to you because you 'suffer' him to be there. he is not beneath you. But then, I am not vinnie, so when she talked about how it was good to chase away 'bad luck' -after i had told her that the 'dirt' in my hair was "MINE", and so, in effect, MYOB- and then spoke about the dirt in the BOX for fuck's sake, and I said it was good to have some bad luck, or some such 'inappropriate' answer, she later went, thought about it, and then told vinnie that because she did not like what I, ME, said, she was going to chase HIM, vinnie, away, and she was waiting for her husband to come and they could put someone else there. vinnie came to ME, wanted ME to apologise, because he was worried about his family and all that. Boo-hoo! I refused, and said, fuck that, and came here.
and I still have not pulled the switch because this woman is still NOT coming out in any conclusive manner. Tomorrow is bound to be a trial of my patience. Even staying on the mountain is a no-brainer, because i am HERE still, and well, everyone is HERE still, because I am still going, "she loves me, she loves me not, and I can not make up my mind".
and I still have not pulled the switch because this woman is still NOT coming out in any conclusive manner. Tomorrow is bound to be a trial of my patience. Even staying on the mountain is a no-brainer, because i am HERE still, and well, everyone is HERE still, because I am still going, "she loves me, she loves me not, and I can not make up my mind".
It is very... trying. VERY, VERY trying. And I love that woman so much it hurts, right over my heart there.
And I can not think of anything else, but her, and I feel so helpless over it. This is worse than when my sister fell ill, and I could not even ask God to heal her, because just because i was desperate did not mean I had no standards, and asking God, Whose... RIGHT ... to be in my life was questionable, for ANYTHING, and thus validating His claims to be MY lord, was something I could never do. I cursed Him, instead, thought I was clever, tried to get myself infected, realised that physically i am... unkillable, and had God, before the enormity of THAT sank in, tell me, "I have added 15 years to your life", and ... well, all THAT was complicated, true, but this, this is worse. I mean, I can not take a sister of mine to wife, i can not even take her sickness on myself, because technically, while I CAN, I would have to sort of say that SHE has more right then me to be alive, and while I want to be dead, I do not accept that there is anyone with more right than me to be alive. In fact, when you get right down to it, I have more right than anyone else to be alive, because, while I do not set much store by it, God, Whose world this is, has literally handed it over to me, to do as i please with it, which is why EVERY aspect of the earth, as you will see, is UNDER me, and i dominate the earth. But, more to the point, I get to kill whosoever does not sit well with me, since I have decided that while the earth may be nice, I would rather leve it to others, after I have ... corrected... them. So, no one that has pissed me off gets to live. Ok, here is a thought;- the David Matthews woman, whom I presume is the love of my life's sister, can NOT remain alive, because she despised me, unless she was NOT married. If she was, she is dead. Maybe, since that was the reason why I ended up with the flower saga, that pissed her off once, it may piss her off again, and make her so mad at me i will get to kill her, and finally just not have this weird feeling in my heart . Like I need her for the very breath I take or something like that. Like life would be unbearable if she was not there. Like I am truly, desperately heartsick, and nobody knows it but me. I mean, really.
And I can not think of anything else, but her, and I feel so helpless over it. This is worse than when my sister fell ill, and I could not even ask God to heal her, because just because i was desperate did not mean I had no standards, and asking God, Whose... RIGHT ... to be in my life was questionable, for ANYTHING, and thus validating His claims to be MY lord, was something I could never do. I cursed Him, instead, thought I was clever, tried to get myself infected, realised that physically i am... unkillable, and had God, before the enormity of THAT sank in, tell me, "I have added 15 years to your life", and ... well, all THAT was complicated, true, but this, this is worse. I mean, I can not take a sister of mine to wife, i can not even take her sickness on myself, because technically, while I CAN, I would have to sort of say that SHE has more right then me to be alive, and while I want to be dead, I do not accept that there is anyone with more right than me to be alive. In fact, when you get right down to it, I have more right than anyone else to be alive, because, while I do not set much store by it, God, Whose world this is, has literally handed it over to me, to do as i please with it, which is why EVERY aspect of the earth, as you will see, is UNDER me, and i dominate the earth. But, more to the point, I get to kill whosoever does not sit well with me, since I have decided that while the earth may be nice, I would rather leve it to others, after I have ... corrected... them. So, no one that has pissed me off gets to live. Ok, here is a thought;- the David Matthews woman, whom I presume is the love of my life's sister, can NOT remain alive, because she despised me, unless she was NOT married. If she was, she is dead. Maybe, since that was the reason why I ended up with the flower saga, that pissed her off once, it may piss her off again, and make her so mad at me i will get to kill her, and finally just not have this weird feeling in my heart . Like I need her for the very breath I take or something like that. Like life would be unbearable if she was not there. Like I am truly, desperately heartsick, and nobody knows it but me. I mean, really.
I find myself talking to someone at one time, and then, I lapse into silence, because i am trying to visualise the horror of an existence without end, where i am mourning, like van helsing, the death of a woman who chose to disregard the warning signs and creep up on the were-wolf from behind, and the battle instincts took over, and she ended up dead. I can not change what I am, and I REALLY, REALLY, wish-long for this woman in my life, in my arms, but I can NOT accommodate her, because what i am can NOT be toned down, and I would hate to have to kill her, but kill her it appears I will, because, of course, my ... world... is not hers , and in her world, compromise is acceptable.
But in MY world, it is by MY rules that people get to live, and i bow down to NO one. Never.
I am therefore miserable, and gloomy, and I am just waiting for the day when she will decide to put me to the test, and I will have to make a move. One she does not like, but which I have said, anyway, but then, who the fuck ever pays attention to what I SAY? all of you think that, because I sit among you, and twiddle my thumbs, or talk shop with people, then there is no horror to fear, that I am NOT the Lord Of the Earth, that I do not have ALL the power I can ever want to destroy whatever I want. Yet all I really long for, at this point, is something no one else can give me, just something this woman, if anything about ME means anything to her, would have to humble herself for, and as I said, I do not hold my breath for that.
I am therefore miserable, and gloomy, and I am just waiting for the day when she will decide to put me to the test, and I will have to make a move. One she does not like, but which I have said, anyway, but then, who the fuck ever pays attention to what I SAY? all of you think that, because I sit among you, and twiddle my thumbs, or talk shop with people, then there is no horror to fear, that I am NOT the Lord Of the Earth, that I do not have ALL the power I can ever want to destroy whatever I want. Yet all I really long for, at this point, is something no one else can give me, just something this woman, if anything about ME means anything to her, would have to humble herself for, and as I said, I do not hold my breath for that.
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
(and I am dying inside)
and nobody knows it but me
i carry a smile
when I am broken in two
...
I'm trembling inside...
a million years from now,
I'll be loving you still
[wish THAT last was just a joke, that I did not have to have a million years of horror, of anguish, without her!Fuck, what can I DO about it, NOTHING, it is up to HER, my hands are tied up here!]
a million years from now,
I'll be loving you still
[wish THAT last was just a joke, that I did not have to have a million years of horror, of anguish, without her!Fuck, what can I DO about it, NOTHING, it is up to HER, my hands are tied up here!]
