Worried sick

Never, in my whole life, have I been as afraid as I was from last night. Unfortunately, I think in words, and well, when I try to analyse a situation, specific words come to mind, and, well, lets call a psycho-somatic syndrome;- I tend to BE what i am thinking. I was, therefore, in an embarrassing situation all of last night as I literally went sick, with a running stomach, even when I had eaten nothing much, even the food I cooked (I actually have a two-plate stove,and a bed,and a microwave oven, and an iron, not that it is any of your businesses, but maybe this is just because i am afraid to touch the sore spot,and the guilt and longing I am feeling at this moment) and anyway, i was...surprised when, at the internet cafe, as I wrote my piece, it started raining. And stopped as I walked out,and carried on throughout the night.
I tried to work, use my freedom to do something, but all I wanted to do was just to curl up in a ball,and just freeze.
I was surprised to find that it was sunny when I woke up, but in the taxi, I said to myself, fuck it, there is no way that i would ever get the love of my life, and I even went so far as to ... talk... to God, and say I have lost.
the situation was not made better when I had reached that clovelly train 'station',when allof a sudden the words of andre 2000 came up, darkening everything and leaving me very, very worried, worried sick, in fact 

Who  kind of girl do you think that I are?

the kind that you meet in a bar?

you think that you can have whatever you want just because you are some kind of star?

I was to feel small a bit later as I saw the love of my life walk by, and look away as I tentatively raised a hand, heart trembling,to her. Fuck, she is beautiful, and I wonder ... wonder if it is possible... Oh, fuck, one thing at a time.
Anyway, I was thinking that I am going to see the upstairs office windows open, and I did not see that, at all. Instead, the windows were closed, and my relief, me being transparent and well, linked to... nature, was so obvious that I was a bit... embarrassed.
I mean, fuck it, I have not actually kept my thoughts hidden, but to have everything so open is a bit... discomforting, to say the least.
i went, and sat down, and fell sick, over and over again. I had to pull myself together a while ago, just so that I could stop running to the toilet anytime I saw a potentially... uneasy... person, like that cunt of a rasta who can not get it into his head that when I said I was going to KILL him, I meant that. I was just worried that I was being sent... terms and conditions, again. Now, frankly, this is something that is tearing me up, that I love this woman so much, so totally, and I would never harm HER, but I am not overlooking this ... other business.. and I worry now that maybe she can not separate the two, and well, if i was comfortable,here i would probably try to fit in to her world and forget that she pissed me off, but, well,I have to go, because I need to sort out my OTHER business, of MY mother, who I intend to ... see... soon, in a 'borrowed' car, i am thinking something with a lot of... statement... to it, like some muscle car, so, I AM going to have to put on the mantle of ... DEATH... and kill people just so that I can be free to ... move. So, if I kill people that are just ... in the way... how can I avoid killing people that have seriously pissed me off?

I like clean sweep, which means I WILL be paying due... dues... to those to whom they are due, like red-breeches, who, as i was mesmerised when my ... apple... walked by first time harbour way, in some lekker white dress and slippers,and a yellow bag slung over her shoulder, and I went, "gug" as my mouth fell open and I stood and stared at the person who has, from the first time with her take on the 'married' chick"with child by showing up with a ring, decided to spoil my mood by showing up in a red dress, like she is ...better. well, I consider THAT insulting,as was madelene's showing up after my ... love... came by again, about 5 minutes later, and seemed to hesitate, looked at me in her glasses, and as usual, i could not focus on her face but the... rest of her,and my fear disappeared as i observed her soft breasts,no longer squashed by  the restraining black, and found that they were quite... good. And so, I tried to raise a hand to her, and i confess that I went... chicken, and did not dare to walk after her,but then, i can justify myself by saying that, well, she would probably have gone "who do you think that I are...?", and so, I sat and watched,and my heart plunged to its lowest depths, as i thought, well, maybe she doesn't really love me, but hates me,and so I was not in a food mood when that scooter chick walked by... and pissed me off,again, byher presumption,thinking that I am like you all to settle fir the less when I have found the best.

Anyway, as I said, I am worried sick, because, well, maybe the woman is just scared of me, maybe she does not love me. Maybe all she is worrying about are her... people... if she is a jew. I mean, I would NEVER drag her into my life, she would have to come into it on her own, if she wants to, and well, what i saw today was ... inconclusive.

Maybe she feels... strained... in this situation, but, hell, I would like to go with her, and no one but her knows what she wants, so I leave it up to her, and also, well, I am gruesome, lets face it. I am not even the kind of person a 'mother' would love, and so, that may be unsettling for her. But I would never harm her,not in a million years. It is the simple truth, the reason why i was unhappy but nothing much happened last night, when it could have turned tumultous, the reason why I, if she wants, am prepared to offer concession on her immediate family members, even if they pissed me off.

Lets face it, people, I have been discovering myself, and showing that it is real, right here, and well,  everyone MUST know that I am... well... an unhappy,angry man, and that literally, I am Overlord, over all that is on the planet,and, frankly,I do NOT care about your petty issues, rather, i have MY own agenda to push, which can not wait any longer.i would miss the love of my life, if she was not in my life, but I would never force her to be in my life, either,because how else would I know that she wants to be with me?

this life don't last forever

so tell me what we're waiting for

we're better off being together

than being miserable alone

coz I've been there before and you've been there before

but together we can be alright.
coz when it gets dark and when it gets cold 

we hold each other till we see the sun rise..