Ok, I Confess to Being Totally.. Lost

this is beyond... weird, I must say, because I am NOT functioning logically, here. I am reacting to things instantly, but after a brief instant, something cuts in, and I am like, fuck, I can not do this. I need something here, something illuminating.

After years of acting and NOT counting the cost, I am finding myself generating ... self control. Because, like it or not, I am like a poodle that is trying to please its master. I mean, I have not kept this hidden, here, that, for a while now, I have been amazed at how much a certain woman's opinion means to me, and how anyone that 'touches' her touches the apple of my eye, and well, I am amazed at this, and finding out that maybe what God meant about "Government Thor; Cape Flats ", bearing in mind the... flat topped table-vision thing, and the fact that, frankly, I care about nothing much but this person, I am thinking that well, it is not about all this world dominion thing, or that, but just that I can not stand it if anyone tries to step in between me and this woman, and i find myself being unrelentingly... jealous, and MAD.
yet for all that, I can not even sustain any rage against her. I mean, she is the one person that i would love to look in the eye and be with, she is the one person that I find I can not hold out anger against for a long time, and what worries me about THAT is how that may be prone to... being abused... by her, and so, i have a rather jaundiced eye against her, but fuck it, I do not KNOW what to do, now, since she is still MIA.
at 1;29 of that clip, the hulk is lifting a stone to hurl at a helicopter, and he stops, in his rage as he sees his love interest in the chopper.
and he reverts to normal."You know I will never hurt you"
it is happening to me like so repeatedly that I am finding myself behaving like over played deja-vu here.
I mean, fuck it, let us be honest here, I am, by my very existence, a person of intense, unbridled anger, and what makes me more fearsome than anything that has ever walked this planet, and more grimly real than any fantasy figure, or scientific freak is that I can REALLY do the things that I am speaking of.
 I assume that this weirdness of mine is something that, well, only a real fool would not have come across, out of all those people that have dared try to harness it, and well, the thing about ME is this, I really do not give a fuck about it, I am just sort of letting things be. yet when it comes to her, I am reining it in, and i must be honest here, like a kid with marbles that he only wants to share with a special friend, this is NOT for anyone else's benefit. Let me be frank, if it was not for her, even my friend vinnie would be dead by now, and so, you sort of get the drift of just how... important you all are, to me, in the scheme of things;- just beneath those useless plankton at the bottom of the food chain.
whether that will stop people from assuming that if i see them I will change my mind about my intent really remains to be seen, but please, you people, stop showing up in my tracks like you mean anything.
i was displeased to see red-breeches, reminding me that generosity is a real drag. You owe me your life, woman, so, be real, real careful that i do not call you to account for that, otherwise i will do just that. Matter of fact is, i was sort of hoping that if I spare the chick's 'sister' then she would stop running away from me, and just come out in the open, so that i can at least talk to her, and know her name, and stop with this public 'speak' and move on to other things, et.c., but I am not so sure that my tricks work. Maybe I should just eb honest and kill off everyone else and ... ah well, fuck that, I do not think we would live together so well.
OK, how about this;- Let us trade. As long as those assholes stay out of my sight, and do not show their faces to me again till I leave, I will let them remain alive, all of them, mike, whoever and all those. I mean, fuck, I know that there is nothing between you and them, but I hate being manipulated, so, I will just ... walk away... and leave them be, if you will at least just come out and... talk to me, somehow, because I am fighting a losing battle with my rage, here. Mmmm, there must be a clip about thor, where loki accuses him of being made soft by this girl....

As long as those assholes walk away while they are still able to, and stay the fuck out of my sight, because the mere sight of clowns like the imp, and mike, and goatface sets me off in complete rage, I will spare them, and not remember them so ...vividly. But that clown, that rasta guy, fuck it, I just love to see him dead. something about HIM personally pisses me off. I mean, I tell a person i do not like him, and he revolts me by the mere sight of him, and yet he still keeps on coming. Fuck it, people, if I ever had you in my sights about your impending doom, do not assume that suddenly I ... like you... just because I decided I will not kill you. NO, I still hate you, and as things are, I may just change my mind at any instant and decide, fuck that, I will kill you anyway, and well, if you value YOUR lives, then start paying attention, or i will stop trying to be ... nice.
2;29 is when loki goes, "I do not know what happened on earth to make you so... soft. Maybe it was that woman." Pause as he looks at thor. "It was!"...
I find I can not lose this woman, nothing means that much to me. Not even my bloodlust. yet i can not stay as I am, I am really in as uncomfortable a place as I can be. I can not stay in south africa, that is not an option, and there is only one place where i can have the access i need to be able to go far from the madding crowd, and that will be the US. So, I lord of the earth, complete master of all, am caught between a rock and a hard place, and I have no idea if the love of my life, who is, I admit, NOT stupid, has any idea just how painful his enforced... wait ... is
or whether I am going to have to find other ways out. Ways that mean cutting her out of my life. I ... hope... not.
THIS freak needs to leave. I am burning up internally, here. Literally.