I had no idea I had so much ... hope.. till this morning -and fuck it, it is NOT about a woman, so leave that out for once- when I woke up and decided to deal with an issue that was bugging me, and which has made me, after realising certain other things, intrinsic and unchanging, about myself, reconsider my ...ultimate stance.
i suppose I am... probably... going to depart the planet, after all, and leave certain people alive, after all.
because my friend did not despise me.It could go either way, because I discover that I have a very thin... unstable... fuse, and I hate so much being despised I am willing to wipe out the entire planet for a slight, real or perceived
I mean vinnie, here.It is a long story, so, I need a song here.
some got hopes and dreams we got ways and means
the supreme dream team always up with a scheme
Ghetto superstar!
So, I am like, I can not keep things to my chest so, after I had sent some pieces with brian to vinnie for C.O.D, and stipulated the price, and waited, brian came back with half the price, said that was what vinnie said he buys these things for, and I was upset the entire night, and then,I decided to call him this morning, and he was out, so I sent a message, which turned out to be 5 txt messages, and I was asking him why he looked down on me so, and why he was always shortchanging me over stuff, what the fuck was his problem. He called back, and I said my piece,the phone cut, and he called again, his airtime had run out, and he spoke, I spoke and then I got the drift.
he said, in effect, that he had treated me like a brother, that I was looking at things from one side only, forgetting what he had done for me, and I ... because I am happy when someone does not just fear me and shut my words away as nonsense, decided to ... look... into what he HAD done for me.
he gave me back my self respect, that is what.
he refused to send me away when people were on and on from simonstown and everywhere about how much of a liability I was going to become, and he was the only one among all them sods in kalk bay that was concerned about MY welfare.
I realise I have always wanted someone to care for .. ME... which is why I rate my two female cousins and my sister so highly, because I matter to them, not whether I am doing the acceptable or the unacceptable, but because MY life, my ...being... is a cause of concern to them.
Everyone else thinks I have problems that they can solve, and I am not a person to them, just something to use.
of course, I also happen to be completely unquestionable as to whether I will KILL people or not, because fuck it,I will kill people, and love it, but i was just thinking throughout yesterday also that I would be bored to death on this planet, nothing to relieve the monotony, no discoveries, no challenges, no... point.
which was when I grasped another thing, that my ... helper... was a permanent, irremovable entity, inextricably linked with me. WHY? Why if the only thing that was making me want to die was the guilt over having to kill my mother? Didn't make complete sense, did it, because with her dead, I would also wipe out the entire earth, and so, would have no need for a 'voice' for instance, and would be alone and with no need for a guard.
unless it is a fact that I do NOT want to live, because I have so many expectations that I am afraid even God, for all His greatness, can not actually live up to!
Which sums it all up.
I am afraid that even God would turn up to be boring, or like one of those conjurer-like people who always turn up new tricks that do not go deep at all, but always leave a person dissatisfied but always looking for the next new trick. No depth to Him, I mean.
And I recall that even when I read that He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we can think or ask... I was like, yeah, that would be the day, when One is actually as He is described? Fuck, not in this lifetime.
So, I figured that all this, and God's response, are not just in the way that I have kept them, about people, for example.
I mean, my mother, she is a misguided fool, like all women, and mothers, because if they just all came to their senses and realised how they do look and act stupid, life could be much simpler.
that is something that can be easily done. In my sleep, for instance. Which would hurt them, some, but would give me ultimate satisfaction, for a while, till I get past that, and ask myself, so, God THIS is all You, the One Who sees what is to be before even the beginning, had prepared for me. What comes after. I mean, all you want from me is someone to ... correct... people. Like, fuck that! What is the way forward?
I suppose paul depressed me.
those He foreknew, He predestined.
like fuck, even God has an event horizon, an ... end in sight! After which, it is like the thermodynamisists say, there will be an 'energy death' in the universe.
That is a boring take on tha Awesome One, the One in Whom Existence Exists, I mean, how can I be allowed to live if it is to constant boredom, constant frustration, no intellectual, physical, emotional and complete stimulation, like, I have to put my brain on neutral and just forget that I can... think ... and just endure life.
I remember my thrill when I read about the cosmos, which reminds me, I need a hubble picture or two
I remember, even in my growing despair about chirst and his being 'born again' and him being the way the truth, the life and the only means of access to God and we should all forget about ... this life and focus on some other ... world where God is THERE and everyone is going hallelujah and bowing to Him, through christ, however that works out, with the holy spirit being there also, I was quite happy when I took an astrophysics booklet and saw some pictures like those and I was like, "coooooool" and when i read about the big bang hypothesis and all that mumbo jumbo about light travelling at the same speed even if someone is moving away from or towards the light source, I was like, what do them fools know anyway. They are just human, and all are trying to pat each other on the back and kiss asses to be acknowledged as someone, like the asshole einstein.
Then I tried to think further, and I was like, Oh,fuck, THIS must be the reason God came to me anyway, to ... educate ... people about what is wrong. I do not like people, especially if they do not ... like... me, and having to sound all knowledgeable and being asked questions pertaining to stuff that I would not even like explaining to people to begin with, since I am very territorial, would really piss me off. So, I sank into despair. All I wanted was to enjoy this for myself, preferably with a woman who actually thought the world of me, and would want to go where I want to go, and just ... .
People. You think you see them as they really are, and all you get are smokescreens and mirrors, and no one, none at all is really solid.
everyone is shifty, adapting to the environment like a chameleon, always out to get something from someone else, never asking what tomorrow will be like, exploiting everyone and getting what they want, what keeps them 'ahead' in the game, never realising that they are like fish in a fast flowing river, swimming fast and going against the tide, but ending up on one spot. till they get tired,or an even bigger, hungrier fish comes up,and gobbles them up.
Fools that never take stock of life, that never ask themselves what is really important in life. You pathetic fools love keeping up appearances, being like the jones next door, and yet none of you lives their lives.
you all look down on me, but I have lived my hopes, fought for what I believe in, never given in to ... expediency... and frankly, I wish I could say that i have found a single person to emulate, to admire, to say, this is an honest, true-to-him/herself person, and I have not. You are all a bunch of hypocrites, and are all pathetic.
NONE of you even deserves to be ... alive.
IF, and that is a BIG IF, I decide to leave any people alive, than know that they would be the people that I am least offended with,not just the whole of you. I am thinking that i will still wipe out the entire earth anyway, and then travel around.
in fact, I suppose that that is what I am going to do.
I will DEFINITELY kill my mother,but refrain from sending her to hell.
Rest of you can go there, for all I care.
I will try to spare people like vinnie so they do not go to hell, but I will bring to their faces the truth, and that truth will kill them, and they will become ... dust.
because NONE of you actually even ... deserves... to walk this planet.
And I am NOT father christmas to dispense gifts to anyone.
No, If I had found a single person worthy to live, I would have gladly just handed over everything to that one and said, this is yours, take it,and live as you please, and walked away, never to return. But you all are just a shitload of waste on the planet, and I will not spare what I despise. No. THIS is MY domain.
Forever!
People who lose no sleep over exploiting other people, who are not at all worried, for instance, that what they ... earn... is at someone else's expense, who try to use short cuts to get what they want, who try to climb through the window because they can not afford to knowck at the door. because they donot like being exposed, because this is, to them a 'dog-eat-dog; world,
fuck! the hilarious thing is you all could say, have I not, I myself, done something like that? well, NOT till after I started trying to get on God's bad side. And even then, I am not inany way guilty, because THAT was the way I discovered that I was the Lord of This EARTH, and that I was always ... right. That I am FREE to dispense judgement the way I want to, and no one can stop me from that.Anyway, I tried walking in a way that would not have me lose sleep at all after I started grappling with the issues of my unique-ness.
I am the boss, and whether you like it or not, everyone of you fools answers to ME, your lives will be disposed of by ME, and luckily I do NOT have a long list of people that I even want to remain these seven years. I can count them easily;.
my sisters, of course, my mother, father my two cousins and a few others, just for atmosphere.
because I tend to be ... merciful.
I come from a place where dog eat dog
People call themselves 'christian' and they are truly christlike, confused and as unfocused as he was, and they lie, cheat and rob, and they lift up their hands to God and say "Bless us". Well, you will truly be ... blessed. Iwill lower you all right down to the pit.
They all go by the adage, to me, if you are what you say you are, show us your works to prove that you are for real. Like who are you that I should prove myself to an insignificant little poophole like you? Like do I care for your opnion, or your approval? I do what suits me, what sits right with ME, and you approval or rejection means squat to me. I actually HATE being approved of, because if I do ANYTHING that any of you likes, I am actually becoming like all of you, a liar like all of you.
And I loathe that.
Everything about your ways and customs ... stinks, and I have nothing but the utmost repugnance for your dealings.
people dress up in expensive clothing and grind my face in the dust because they want me to not be angry when they go and some 'business associates' to the newly bought 'cottage' which they acquired , or their boss acquired, by swindling a dronkie and using his love for the fire-water to make him sell at less that the going price, and I am supposed to get with the program
Silly cunt, your world is coming down around you like youwould not believe, and that is going to happen right before your unbelieving eyes!
You want to take ME to task for NOT conforming to your hypocrisy?
YOU, you stupid bitch, have the gall to assume that I amwrong to not be amused by double dealing?
because it is all about money?
Hell, I will make you pay foryour insults.
Going to great lengths to bring me... down, you stupid, senseless hypocrite!
Like you have any grounds to do such a thing.
like the trappings of civilisation give you the ... right... to look down on me because I appear impoverished and thus can ONLY be interested in money, and so, must be coached properly.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
or I am?
Let me tell you this. To YOUR world, to YOU, I'm the WORST thing that could possibly ever happen, because we are headed on a collison course, and I do not back down,nor do I stop, nor avoid obstacles. I will break down every particle of resistance, because I have decided to shape this earth the way I want it to be, and well, I will relocate ALL riffraff, and cause GBH and all that if I so wish, just to make sure that everything that does not suit me is crushed.
Dont like it, GOOD!
I never liked being liked by silly senseless fools that do not remove blinkers from their eyes!
you are the greatest disappointment of my life.
A big disappointment.
I will be glad to deal with this disappointment
Permanently
I do not know how you assumed that I could love you as you are, how you actually worked it out in your pathetic little jumbled up mind that I was going to evr come your way. Is that something like the fabled 'female intuition' that makes you mix things so that they suddenly turn out as you...
fuck, I have tried getting into your mind and I do NOT get it.
I do NOT even 'see' your point of view.
And I have tried.
fool!
I will kill you, I suppose.
I and you, have to get used to that.
soon, too!
Glare like Mr T. Turned towards you!
i suppose I am... probably... going to depart the planet, after all, and leave certain people alive, after all.
because my friend did not despise me.It could go either way, because I discover that I have a very thin... unstable... fuse, and I hate so much being despised I am willing to wipe out the entire planet for a slight, real or perceived
I mean vinnie, here.It is a long story, so, I need a song here.
some got hopes and dreams we got ways and means
the supreme dream team always up with a scheme
Ghetto superstar!
he said, in effect, that he had treated me like a brother, that I was looking at things from one side only, forgetting what he had done for me, and I ... because I am happy when someone does not just fear me and shut my words away as nonsense, decided to ... look... into what he HAD done for me.
he gave me back my self respect, that is what.
he refused to send me away when people were on and on from simonstown and everywhere about how much of a liability I was going to become, and he was the only one among all them sods in kalk bay that was concerned about MY welfare.
I realise I have always wanted someone to care for .. ME... which is why I rate my two female cousins and my sister so highly, because I matter to them, not whether I am doing the acceptable or the unacceptable, but because MY life, my ...being... is a cause of concern to them.
Everyone else thinks I have problems that they can solve, and I am not a person to them, just something to use.
of course, I also happen to be completely unquestionable as to whether I will KILL people or not, because fuck it,I will kill people, and love it, but i was just thinking throughout yesterday also that I would be bored to death on this planet, nothing to relieve the monotony, no discoveries, no challenges, no... point.
which was when I grasped another thing, that my ... helper... was a permanent, irremovable entity, inextricably linked with me. WHY? Why if the only thing that was making me want to die was the guilt over having to kill my mother? Didn't make complete sense, did it, because with her dead, I would also wipe out the entire earth, and so, would have no need for a 'voice' for instance, and would be alone and with no need for a guard.
unless it is a fact that I do NOT want to live, because I have so many expectations that I am afraid even God, for all His greatness, can not actually live up to!
Which sums it all up.
I am afraid that even God would turn up to be boring, or like one of those conjurer-like people who always turn up new tricks that do not go deep at all, but always leave a person dissatisfied but always looking for the next new trick. No depth to Him, I mean.
And I recall that even when I read that He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we can think or ask... I was like, yeah, that would be the day, when One is actually as He is described? Fuck, not in this lifetime.
So, I figured that all this, and God's response, are not just in the way that I have kept them, about people, for example.
I mean, my mother, she is a misguided fool, like all women, and mothers, because if they just all came to their senses and realised how they do look and act stupid, life could be much simpler.
that is something that can be easily done. In my sleep, for instance. Which would hurt them, some, but would give me ultimate satisfaction, for a while, till I get past that, and ask myself, so, God THIS is all You, the One Who sees what is to be before even the beginning, had prepared for me. What comes after. I mean, all you want from me is someone to ... correct... people. Like, fuck that! What is the way forward?
I suppose paul depressed me.
those He foreknew, He predestined.
like fuck, even God has an event horizon, an ... end in sight! After which, it is like the thermodynamisists say, there will be an 'energy death' in the universe.
That is a boring take on tha Awesome One, the One in Whom Existence Exists, I mean, how can I be allowed to live if it is to constant boredom, constant frustration, no intellectual, physical, emotional and complete stimulation, like, I have to put my brain on neutral and just forget that I can... think ... and just endure life.
I remember my thrill when I read about the cosmos, which reminds me, I need a hubble picture or two
everyone is shifty, adapting to the environment like a chameleon, always out to get something from someone else, never asking what tomorrow will be like, exploiting everyone and getting what they want, what keeps them 'ahead' in the game, never realising that they are like fish in a fast flowing river, swimming fast and going against the tide, but ending up on one spot. till they get tired,or an even bigger, hungrier fish comes up,and gobbles them up.
Fools that never take stock of life, that never ask themselves what is really important in life. You pathetic fools love keeping up appearances, being like the jones next door, and yet none of you lives their lives.
you all look down on me, but I have lived my hopes, fought for what I believe in, never given in to ... expediency... and frankly, I wish I could say that i have found a single person to emulate, to admire, to say, this is an honest, true-to-him/herself person, and I have not. You are all a bunch of hypocrites, and are all pathetic.
NONE of you even deserves to be ... alive.
IF, and that is a BIG IF, I decide to leave any people alive, than know that they would be the people that I am least offended with,not just the whole of you. I am thinking that i will still wipe out the entire earth anyway, and then travel around.
in fact, I suppose that that is what I am going to do.
I will DEFINITELY kill my mother,but refrain from sending her to hell.
Rest of you can go there, for all I care.
I will try to spare people like vinnie so they do not go to hell, but I will bring to their faces the truth, and that truth will kill them, and they will become ... dust.
because NONE of you actually even ... deserves... to walk this planet.
And I am NOT father christmas to dispense gifts to anyone.
No, If I had found a single person worthy to live, I would have gladly just handed over everything to that one and said, this is yours, take it,and live as you please, and walked away, never to return. But you all are just a shitload of waste on the planet, and I will not spare what I despise. No. THIS is MY domain.
Forever!
People who lose no sleep over exploiting other people, who are not at all worried, for instance, that what they ... earn... is at someone else's expense, who try to use short cuts to get what they want, who try to climb through the window because they can not afford to knowck at the door. because they donot like being exposed, because this is, to them a 'dog-eat-dog; world,
fuck! the hilarious thing is you all could say, have I not, I myself, done something like that? well, NOT till after I started trying to get on God's bad side. And even then, I am not inany way guilty, because THAT was the way I discovered that I was the Lord of This EARTH, and that I was always ... right. That I am FREE to dispense judgement the way I want to, and no one can stop me from that.Anyway, I tried walking in a way that would not have me lose sleep at all after I started grappling with the issues of my unique-ness.
I am the boss, and whether you like it or not, everyone of you fools answers to ME, your lives will be disposed of by ME, and luckily I do NOT have a long list of people that I even want to remain these seven years. I can count them easily;.
my sisters, of course, my mother, father my two cousins and a few others, just for atmosphere.
because I tend to be ... merciful.
I come from a place where dog eat dog
People call themselves 'christian' and they are truly christlike, confused and as unfocused as he was, and they lie, cheat and rob, and they lift up their hands to God and say "Bless us". Well, you will truly be ... blessed. Iwill lower you all right down to the pit.
They all go by the adage, to me, if you are what you say you are, show us your works to prove that you are for real. Like who are you that I should prove myself to an insignificant little poophole like you? Like do I care for your opnion, or your approval? I do what suits me, what sits right with ME, and you approval or rejection means squat to me. I actually HATE being approved of, because if I do ANYTHING that any of you likes, I am actually becoming like all of you, a liar like all of you.
And I loathe that.
Everything about your ways and customs ... stinks, and I have nothing but the utmost repugnance for your dealings.
people dress up in expensive clothing and grind my face in the dust because they want me to not be angry when they go and some 'business associates' to the newly bought 'cottage' which they acquired , or their boss acquired, by swindling a dronkie and using his love for the fire-water to make him sell at less that the going price, and I am supposed to get with the program
Silly cunt, your world is coming down around you like youwould not believe, and that is going to happen right before your unbelieving eyes!
You want to take ME to task for NOT conforming to your hypocrisy?
YOU, you stupid bitch, have the gall to assume that I amwrong to not be amused by double dealing?
because it is all about money?
Hell, I will make you pay foryour insults.
Going to great lengths to bring me... down, you stupid, senseless hypocrite!
Like you have any grounds to do such a thing.
like the trappings of civilisation give you the ... right... to look down on me because I appear impoverished and thus can ONLY be interested in money, and so, must be coached properly.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
or I am?
Let me tell you this. To YOUR world, to YOU, I'm the WORST thing that could possibly ever happen, because we are headed on a collison course, and I do not back down,nor do I stop, nor avoid obstacles. I will break down every particle of resistance, because I have decided to shape this earth the way I want it to be, and well, I will relocate ALL riffraff, and cause GBH and all that if I so wish, just to make sure that everything that does not suit me is crushed.
Dont like it, GOOD!
I never liked being liked by silly senseless fools that do not remove blinkers from their eyes!
you are the greatest disappointment of my life.
A big disappointment.
I will be glad to deal with this disappointment
Permanently
I do not know how you assumed that I could love you as you are, how you actually worked it out in your pathetic little jumbled up mind that I was going to evr come your way. Is that something like the fabled 'female intuition' that makes you mix things so that they suddenly turn out as you...
fuck, I have tried getting into your mind and I do NOT get it.
I do NOT even 'see' your point of view.
And I have tried.
fool!
I will kill you, I suppose.
I and you, have to get used to that.
soon, too!
Glare like Mr T. Turned towards you!
