So, we are closing down two days ago, and i find myself in the container, alone, and I slump down, thinking that I am going to have to carry out my threat, and that I am about to do something I do not want to do, and then, in the midst of my confusion, the lines of this song seep through "Whispered words of wisdom, let it be", and so, forlornly, I decide, to heck with it, let what happens, happen, anyway, the woman is ashamed of me anyway.
So, I climb up the mountain -technically, a place was organised for me, by lee and vinnie, in site 5, with lee having paid the rent already, and him set to leave sometime this week for Namibia, so I do not have to stay on the mountain, but fuck it, I can not abide the noise, nor the people- and go sleep, taking a looong time to get there. Yesterday, I did not even want to get down. I woke up, it was sunny, a bit, with a lot of cloud, and I did something weird as I hesitated top come down. I pointed up, told the sunspotted sky to behave, and it went cloudy, totally, and I made my very, very reluctant way down, and met thiscunt of a rasta on the way down, same guy she flashed a smile at, same guy who I ignore as he greets me, same guy I want very, very, very dead, for laughing at me. I made an instant conclusion, of what my day was to be like, if the asshole was the forerunner of the day to come, it was to be a shitty day. the day before, and the night, the imp had been showing up, on the same scooter that he, when I gave the finger the other time he and goatface showed up, followed ... her... with to that blasted cottage , as she tried to show me just how to behave, i suppose.
last time he showed up, he had looked up at the building, maybe to show me that she was not there, and so he was 'safe', and thus, I should not be angry with him coming to drink at l parada. My point, of course, he ignored, that he should stay OUT of my way.
Anyway, I came down, sat a bit, and then my temper shot to the roof when I saw a CR-V like hers drive down clairvaux road. that it was not her became immaterial since i was tired of waiting, and so, I just thought, fuck, waste this place, with thunder and lightning.
Unfortunately, vinnie was there, and also, I found out that, when it comes right down to it, if it is just about me pulling the plug- what with the downcast looks i was getting from some of tony's coloured employees- I could not, without probable cause, just do it.
I guess i have no reason to kill her, in fact, I found out that I am probably more in the wrong than she is when it comes to blame, because all along i assumed she was ashamed of me, that all she wanted was to change me into a more suitable person, but heck, three times already she came out, after me, once with the bicycle thing, when i just brushed past her, and then again when i was walking past the building, and she came after me, and then again when mike did that pumping up of his arm thing, and they all laughed, this audience of his.
So, technically, she is NOT ashamed of me. I guess she is... scared. And i am wrong for that. Must be this lack of anger management of mine, this inclination of mine to think negative all the time.
And yesterday, I was about to bring the roof down anyway, especially as I backed off and was making my way towards the taxi rank in fish hoek, with brian, and who should I see but mike, at the filling station, and i almost blew the roof off.
So, my reaction was not lost on brian, and after a while, what with the admonition that vinnie had given in parting, that i really, really needed to stop reacting everytime someone said, "fuck you" to me or some such thing, I and him sat in his hoki-he and lee stay in the same yard- and we talked, and I sort of tried to explain my plans, that i wanted to make my way to the USA (danced around 'why') and needed to go back home, see how my parents are doing, as soon as possible, but there was this woman who i had found out I was crazy about, and well, she is not interested in me, myself, but probably dances to the tune of the crowd, and I am not liking the whole set-up, and I just want it all over, or something like that, and he told me that there are always two sides to a story, that OK, I may have my pride hurt by this woman, and would not mind being mothered by her at all, if only she would not have to involve so many people in all this, but maybe the issue is that she is herself scared of what I may do to her, and i said that, well, then she knows nothing about me.(I have tried how many times, NOW, to just blast off everything, and always pulled up short. I can not harm her, either from a distance or near-by)
Anyway, I may not be the most well adjusted person around, or alive, but fuck it, being judged because of my appearance hurts the hell out of me, and whether she does int intentionally or not, she still DOES it, and hell, the issue is that she just looks at me like I am a normal vagrant, like i am just trying to be like a bullfrog that makes itself fat, when in effect i am, without boasting the COMPLETE master of this earth, and I do have a plan, and I do not like being ... corrected... because some silly woman still tries to fit me into her little world, when i have things to do, a plan.
OK, so maybe i was more than a little hasty when it came to certain people, and I would not mind turning a blind eye even to the presumptuous women who tried to tell me what to think, but this woman should have seen ... .
I mean, there is this story in the bible about a king who called his wife, the queen to come and be seen, since she was lovely, and she probably said that he should come himself, or something like that, and so, hurt his pride, and everyone agreed among his wise people that such a thing should not be done. I hold, on the other hand, the undisputed, unparalled power that not even your christ held in his day, the power to not only end people's lives but to send them to hell, and I AM the be-all and END-all when it comes to authority, and that is NOT something that will end, and this woman wants to stick her neck out for pieces of trash simply because she objects to being told that if she really cares about me, ME, then I want exclusive rights to her? Fuck does she still take me for. A mere NOBODY? of course those guys are all dead, fuck it. I will NOT countenance their involvement in my scheme of things, nor will I look with favour upon ANYONE that seeks to dispute that.
I am not interested in indiscriminate killing, but kill I WILL, if this goes on.
Either she gets it that I am what I say I am, or she jumps ship and makes up her mind who she will stand with, those guys that seem to be something NOW, or the about to be completely unleashed LORD over everything?
And when I depart for home, maybe next week, I will have had an answer.
And no, i will just weed off those assholes that have personally pissed me off, like this book guy, and his son in the uk, and certain other people, and remove some others like the chinese 'congregation' that took up arms to show me that i am wrong, but will leave most of you fools in RSA alive, unless you stand in my way. I am not interested in any of you, just in my pride, and will take away those that trample it.
And those likely to NOT stand for me having my way, like your 'armed' forces, and 'government', just so that I move as i please. Then, when I am done, i am going to the US, which will be emptied of all people of course, and it would be silly to assume that any would go voluntarily, would it not? So, they will have to be removed, violently, YEAH-SSS
last time he showed up, he had looked up at the building, maybe to show me that she was not there, and so he was 'safe', and thus, I should not be angry with him coming to drink at l parada. My point, of course, he ignored, that he should stay OUT of my way.
Anyway, I came down, sat a bit, and then my temper shot to the roof when I saw a CR-V like hers drive down clairvaux road. that it was not her became immaterial since i was tired of waiting, and so, I just thought, fuck, waste this place, with thunder and lightning.
Unfortunately, vinnie was there, and also, I found out that, when it comes right down to it, if it is just about me pulling the plug- what with the downcast looks i was getting from some of tony's coloured employees- I could not, without probable cause, just do it.
I guess i have no reason to kill her, in fact, I found out that I am probably more in the wrong than she is when it comes to blame, because all along i assumed she was ashamed of me, that all she wanted was to change me into a more suitable person, but heck, three times already she came out, after me, once with the bicycle thing, when i just brushed past her, and then again when i was walking past the building, and she came after me, and then again when mike did that pumping up of his arm thing, and they all laughed, this audience of his.
So, technically, she is NOT ashamed of me. I guess she is... scared. And i am wrong for that. Must be this lack of anger management of mine, this inclination of mine to think negative all the time.
And yesterday, I was about to bring the roof down anyway, especially as I backed off and was making my way towards the taxi rank in fish hoek, with brian, and who should I see but mike, at the filling station, and i almost blew the roof off.
So, my reaction was not lost on brian, and after a while, what with the admonition that vinnie had given in parting, that i really, really needed to stop reacting everytime someone said, "fuck you" to me or some such thing, I and him sat in his hoki-he and lee stay in the same yard- and we talked, and I sort of tried to explain my plans, that i wanted to make my way to the USA (danced around 'why') and needed to go back home, see how my parents are doing, as soon as possible, but there was this woman who i had found out I was crazy about, and well, she is not interested in me, myself, but probably dances to the tune of the crowd, and I am not liking the whole set-up, and I just want it all over, or something like that, and he told me that there are always two sides to a story, that OK, I may have my pride hurt by this woman, and would not mind being mothered by her at all, if only she would not have to involve so many people in all this, but maybe the issue is that she is herself scared of what I may do to her, and i said that, well, then she knows nothing about me.(I have tried how many times, NOW, to just blast off everything, and always pulled up short. I can not harm her, either from a distance or near-by)
Anyway, I may not be the most well adjusted person around, or alive, but fuck it, being judged because of my appearance hurts the hell out of me, and whether she does int intentionally or not, she still DOES it, and hell, the issue is that she just looks at me like I am a normal vagrant, like i am just trying to be like a bullfrog that makes itself fat, when in effect i am, without boasting the COMPLETE master of this earth, and I do have a plan, and I do not like being ... corrected... because some silly woman still tries to fit me into her little world, when i have things to do, a plan.
OK, so maybe i was more than a little hasty when it came to certain people, and I would not mind turning a blind eye even to the presumptuous women who tried to tell me what to think, but this woman should have seen ... .
I mean, there is this story in the bible about a king who called his wife, the queen to come and be seen, since she was lovely, and she probably said that he should come himself, or something like that, and so, hurt his pride, and everyone agreed among his wise people that such a thing should not be done. I hold, on the other hand, the undisputed, unparalled power that not even your christ held in his day, the power to not only end people's lives but to send them to hell, and I AM the be-all and END-all when it comes to authority, and that is NOT something that will end, and this woman wants to stick her neck out for pieces of trash simply because she objects to being told that if she really cares about me, ME, then I want exclusive rights to her? Fuck does she still take me for. A mere NOBODY? of course those guys are all dead, fuck it. I will NOT countenance their involvement in my scheme of things, nor will I look with favour upon ANYONE that seeks to dispute that.
I am not interested in indiscriminate killing, but kill I WILL, if this goes on.
Either she gets it that I am what I say I am, or she jumps ship and makes up her mind who she will stand with, those guys that seem to be something NOW, or the about to be completely unleashed LORD over everything?
And when I depart for home, maybe next week, I will have had an answer.
And no, i will just weed off those assholes that have personally pissed me off, like this book guy, and his son in the uk, and certain other people, and remove some others like the chinese 'congregation' that took up arms to show me that i am wrong, but will leave most of you fools in RSA alive, unless you stand in my way. I am not interested in any of you, just in my pride, and will take away those that trample it.
And those likely to NOT stand for me having my way, like your 'armed' forces, and 'government', just so that I move as i please. Then, when I am done, i am going to the US, which will be emptied of all people of course, and it would be silly to assume that any would go voluntarily, would it not? So, they will have to be removed, violently, YEAH-SSS
