This... Maddening Woman!

I get to the internet cafe in Fish Hoek, and as i turn the corner there is this green CR-V, parked last of all cars, empty, and i think I am getting paranoid, so I ignore it, and go in, write my piece, and as I come out, the car pulls away, and in it is a blonde woman, hair same colour as the ONE person I can stand, with shades, and body language radiating panic. Only she is rather fat, and i am thinking, David Mathews chick, but I dismiss it, and go and buy some chow at Pick-n-Pay, but as i come out, same CR-V, license plate beginning "742-"  drives past, only a guy is in it this time, and he also looks shifty as he drives by, and i say to myself,'them fools must have learned  spy tradecraft from a kindergarten book', and i move on.

but the fact of the matter remains, for me, the same, I have this very hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach because i am always wondering if the one woman that i, divorced from everything else so easily, can not bear letting go, is herself stuck on someone, or something. Because i do not think, in that case, i would allow anything to remain alive in kalk bay, even my friend vinnie, because i could never live down the hurt, or allow anyone to see my sorrow. Why does the woman hide herself and not show her true colours? Is it true that all she sees is a... baby... that she MUST show the way to go, and she such an innocent herself who has NO idea of how grim REALITY is?i spent the night  tossing and turning, and did not touch a drop of beer and extricated myself from a potentially compromising situation with a woman because i discovered that for me, there can be no other woman, and well, the day? ha, the weather can speak for itself. when i was dozing, my thoughts would turn chilly, and revert to my normal I-would-rather-be-dead stance, and when I would wake up, I would alternate between hope that somehow the woman would see some sense, and stop taking me for a fool, or my words about who i can let live or NOT-especially THAT, since she has shown her intent of defending people that she insulted me with, as if even my interest in HER will allow THOSE fools, every male at least, to live and carry on with their lives. Like i will change on THAT! woman is really maddening, there - and despair that I am finally gong to live a life where there is no one to live FOR, since I can not and have never been able to live for MYSELF.So, after me and lee decided to go looking for ganja, and he went back to sleep because of indigestion, I said to myself, i will go looking for an internet cafe, and if I find it, i will say my piece, but if not, I will know that it is over, I am about to kill of everyone basically, off the face of the earth. And so, here I am, at this internet cafe, with this xhosa rasta speaking in the background, finding out that i am somehow stuck with this ... STILL. I need a song, blast it!

hell and pode

lightning and thunder

when the youth them fed up and frus

babylon fall like lumber

and get cast asunder

when the lightning set up and flash

when the cup them full and run over

a judgement
when the cup full and run over
a judgement
 to you mister man in your benz and rover...

I am so... tired, especially of everyone trying me, and trying to get me to change my mind. I was horrified yesterday-last year- this michaela chick - actually decided to show up and make as if to come near me, to maybe take those words i said did NOT apply to anyone else but maybe the apple of my eye, to tell me what she thought. I wonder when it will actually SINK in that I said I am going to kill her, for her presumption, and continued presumption, that i am some baby that does not know its own mind. Or when that breastless blonde decided to walk up and down, or when goatface showed up, or when that gallery woman decided, when i was twisting my locks in frustration and despair, and sit in my face, as if to show me what i NEEDED to do to get in that chick's good books. I wonder if she knows just how near death she hovers everytime she shows up, because i can not forget her putting her hand on mike after juniour told me the one person i can say I... love... was his girlfriend, and i decided he was a dead man, and she tried to show me that that was not so, i needed to get my head examined. i wonder if she, or that couple that employs the xhosa chick i flirted with,  or that frenchish restaurant owner who has this daughter she flew over-maybe to be safe, ha!- and who pays fees for vinnie's daughter, actually realise that my HEAD has the most sophisticated, most consistently researching piece of grey matter in existence, and that any kind of prank does not go unnoticed, and will be punished to the full, or maybe more than that, because my cup is full and running over, and i am doine with keeping my anger hidden. I am setting up demarcation lines, and as far as I am concerned, unless i have a reason to spare people's lives, they are dead, and the reason, I do not give a fuck about your needs, i will NOT be insulted, nor suffer fools anymore. Even a seemingly hidden barb will not go unnoticed by me, and I have decided that NO ONE who thinks he or she can take advantage of me will get out of this alive. No.

pure and clean meditation without a doubt

dont let them take you like who them took out...

I may NOT be killing off everyone, but will let people live, maybe, except in areas that interest me, like the US, and of course, in making sure that my mother and other relations are not molested, but fuck it, do NOT ever get it into your minds, people, that any of YOU matter to me. I will just as easily wipe you out of existence as soon as blink, and will lose no sleep over that. None of you matter a damn to me, because whenit gets down to it, I can not abide being NEAR any of you. there is only one person I have found i can stand, and i am getting totally frustrated with her, and, well, if it comes to me having to kill HER, fuck do any of you think YOUR chances of survival are to me? Assholes and fools.

me give them 100% a

the fire where burn from epicentre