Talk about God being... explicit!
Now, I watch as zim crash out of the competition, walk out to buy some ganja, and on my way back, just observe as people go about their lives, and I feel a sense of unreality to everything, like, fuck, this is NEVER going to happen, and i am laughing at myself, and at my dramatic statements, like, "in the end there shall be only one", "after me there shall be no more".
Crap, I say, and of course, well, what with me being me, and always blaming God for everything, well, God takes it personally, and I get... educated.
so, let me share my ... education... with you.
not that it will help any of you, though!
I am thinking about this other time when I went to stay with an uncle of mine, to have my papers sorted, after I had destroyed the first batch, and well, guy has an interesting ... life. Now, his wife and my mother are cousins, with my mother's mother and his wife's father being brother and sister, see, and well, he was a major in the army, and it is his address I listed as an alternative address; 17701 Vlei crescent New Cranborne Harare, and well, the wife, my aunt, is very religious, belonging to this Bethsaida Apostolic Church, those African spiritual people who base everything on what the spirit says and go to mountains to pray and all that stuff, with liberal sprinklings of the bible and of their founder, a 'bishop' manhango, who saw/met the spirit when... drunk... and was reformed. Same old story, yes?
Anyway, when i was there, I was thinking and feeling like, fuck this, I am the worst possible thing alive, the most insignificant, the least of the least, less than dust, 'human waste' like my mother had said to my face, and so, when this woman, one day, who was one of the 'prophetesses' and came to sponge off the uncle, like, by staying around for a while and then -it was a famine year, I remember, and my uncle was attached to the GMB as a project manager, meaning practically all grain and stuff went through his hands to wherever, and the kickbacks he got made him live a life few I have even seen, even here in RSA, can compare with- going back with a shitload of groceries; well this woman said to me that she had observed me and that I looked down on everyone, and held myself as better than them all, and was secretly laughing at all that was happening like all they did was pathetic.
And I thought, woman, you must be really drunk, because I KNOW what I am. I am a piece of shit, and I will never BE any of those things you say I am.
Then, of course, the ... link... was inevitable, because MY response even THEN was the same as the response some guy made when told the horrendous things he would do to the children of Israel.
Now, remember that Elijah had been told to anoint Elisha in his place, and Jehu in the place of the king of Israel, and then hazael as the next king of Damascus, so that God would literally tear down the people He had chosen for Himself?
Didn't happen,. ejijah though He must be crazy, and it was only when ben-hadad was ill that he sent hazael to inquire what was to be, and then Elisha looked at the messenger and started weeping because he saw the doom of his people, and when the ashamed hazael asked what was the matter, he was told, you will dash babes on walls, bla bla, and HIS response is the one that was illuminating;- "how can I a MERE dog, do such things?"
And the guy revealed that he WANTED to do this stuff, but then, he was sure he would never get the satisfaction.
As a man thinketh in his heart, so is HE
Now, to get to other issues and tie all this up, OK.
I remember saying that I blamed God that He had given me this ... woman, and I explained that He responded that I had taken her because I was jealous of the attention she was giving her son, and I wanted to come between the two, and also that He added that "My yoke is easy and MY burden is light... and my yoke is as academic to the fish" [Isaiah 6; 1-13] and well, I was left non-plussed, because after I had assumed that it was all over, I was infected and could have NO hope of having a woman at all, God had, beginning of the year 2004, shown me the vision I spoke of, of my cousion tariro angela mashora, holding a book with a hole where nothing was written on the blank page after the author's credits and such and then easy to read everywhere else, and she was pointing towards my father's gate. And I took that awry and assumed that God meant that, since I was NOW low down and useless I must settle for someone that had had someone else 'ink' their pen in her fountain, and so, I took her.
even when God had specified, over and over again, that I choose what kind of world, what kind of GIRL I wanted.
As I discovered a few days ago just what KIND I wanted, and said, "fuck You, that will never happen!"
The girl who, like Rachel with Jacob, looked down on her ... husband... because she saw the guy as having 'stolen' her father's wealth.
A woman I have grown to love but who persists in thinking I am an interloper who MUSTY give the glory back to the people of Israel, because THEY are the heirs of the world, because God is THEIR God and I am trying to muscle in on what is theirs.
A woman who showed her hand when I ... hinted... that I would spare the jews, and was ready to offer herself to me on THAT condition.
All I ever wanted was a straightforward... virgin.
Who would sink her hooks in me and refuse to let go.
Crap, I say, and of course, well, what with me being me, and always blaming God for everything, well, God takes it personally, and I get... educated.
so, let me share my ... education... with you.
not that it will help any of you, though!
I am thinking about this other time when I went to stay with an uncle of mine, to have my papers sorted, after I had destroyed the first batch, and well, guy has an interesting ... life. Now, his wife and my mother are cousins, with my mother's mother and his wife's father being brother and sister, see, and well, he was a major in the army, and it is his address I listed as an alternative address; 17701 Vlei crescent New Cranborne Harare, and well, the wife, my aunt, is very religious, belonging to this Bethsaida Apostolic Church, those African spiritual people who base everything on what the spirit says and go to mountains to pray and all that stuff, with liberal sprinklings of the bible and of their founder, a 'bishop' manhango, who saw/met the spirit when... drunk... and was reformed. Same old story, yes?
Anyway, when i was there, I was thinking and feeling like, fuck this, I am the worst possible thing alive, the most insignificant, the least of the least, less than dust, 'human waste' like my mother had said to my face, and so, when this woman, one day, who was one of the 'prophetesses' and came to sponge off the uncle, like, by staying around for a while and then -it was a famine year, I remember, and my uncle was attached to the GMB as a project manager, meaning practically all grain and stuff went through his hands to wherever, and the kickbacks he got made him live a life few I have even seen, even here in RSA, can compare with- going back with a shitload of groceries; well this woman said to me that she had observed me and that I looked down on everyone, and held myself as better than them all, and was secretly laughing at all that was happening like all they did was pathetic.
And I thought, woman, you must be really drunk, because I KNOW what I am. I am a piece of shit, and I will never BE any of those things you say I am.
Then, of course, the ... link... was inevitable, because MY response even THEN was the same as the response some guy made when told the horrendous things he would do to the children of Israel.
Now, remember that Elijah had been told to anoint Elisha in his place, and Jehu in the place of the king of Israel, and then hazael as the next king of Damascus, so that God would literally tear down the people He had chosen for Himself?
Didn't happen,. ejijah though He must be crazy, and it was only when ben-hadad was ill that he sent hazael to inquire what was to be, and then Elisha looked at the messenger and started weeping because he saw the doom of his people, and when the ashamed hazael asked what was the matter, he was told, you will dash babes on walls, bla bla, and HIS response is the one that was illuminating;- "how can I a MERE dog, do such things?"
And the guy revealed that he WANTED to do this stuff, but then, he was sure he would never get the satisfaction.
As a man thinketh in his heart, so is HE
Now, to get to other issues and tie all this up, OK.
I remember saying that I blamed God that He had given me this ... woman, and I explained that He responded that I had taken her because I was jealous of the attention she was giving her son, and I wanted to come between the two, and also that He added that "My yoke is easy and MY burden is light... and my yoke is as academic to the fish" [Isaiah 6; 1-13] and well, I was left non-plussed, because after I had assumed that it was all over, I was infected and could have NO hope of having a woman at all, God had, beginning of the year 2004, shown me the vision I spoke of, of my cousion tariro angela mashora, holding a book with a hole where nothing was written on the blank page after the author's credits and such and then easy to read everywhere else, and she was pointing towards my father's gate. And I took that awry and assumed that God meant that, since I was NOW low down and useless I must settle for someone that had had someone else 'ink' their pen in her fountain, and so, I took her.
even when God had specified, over and over again, that I choose what kind of world, what kind of GIRL I wanted.
As I discovered a few days ago just what KIND I wanted, and said, "fuck You, that will never happen!"
The girl who, like Rachel with Jacob, looked down on her ... husband... because she saw the guy as having 'stolen' her father's wealth.
A woman I have grown to love but who persists in thinking I am an interloper who MUSTY give the glory back to the people of Israel, because THEY are the heirs of the world, because God is THEIR God and I am trying to muscle in on what is theirs.
A woman who showed her hand when I ... hinted... that I would spare the jews, and was ready to offer herself to me on THAT condition.
All I ever wanted was a straightforward... virgin.
Who would sink her hooks in me and refuse to let go.
But, of course, I am GOING to remove everyone from THIS planet, everyone else, because well, I do not, can not abide people invading my territory. I actually DO look down on everyone, and can not stand the lies anymore. I am the only one who can be said to have 'climbed' Jacob's ladder, and now, am 'with God', because I have never been able to look at and just focus on, people, or their needs and wants. I am like, God, this is all YOUR fault, You kept me alive, and now all this crap is in my way. Do I have to stand it, and just fucking put up with it or what the fuck?
So, of course, we take it from there.
So, this is NOT about race, or whatever, this is just about pecking order. I rule, I say, it happens.
I will make sure not to unnecessarily... physically harm... people that matter, just show them the facts, and let the facts kill them, like them piranha. But die they will. That is the MOST I can do.
your people are soon to be no more, and well, in the scheme of things, they do NOT matter to me, they are all just ... strangers.
You are different. Your choice. Am I the final say, OR is God, and can YOU separate US?
