Ok, first things first, I was NOT weeded up when I came to this library yesterday... morning, (which reminds me, is every computer café like, YEAH-SS, I like, I wonder if it also spells deja-vu? No, oh well, what can one expect? ) I was only later to be stoned. Today, I am stone cold sober-ironic that, the 'stone' part, but well, I was just being true to form, taking in things deeper that just the surface, like, "Ok, God [Whom I called Asshole Almighty yesterday, in case you did not catch on;- He must have a special place in hell for me, or maybe, just maybe, He really has NO say over My decisions, except when it comes to me dying, which thing I am having trouble bringing across to people, or rather, it is no longer necessary, because I am NOT interested in that, I have one other interest at present] why the fuck are You telling me this. You want something, what is it?" And so, I got to the point where I grasped that HE WANTED, has always wanted, people to be... saved, and yet, at the present moment, and as always, He has NO say as to what actually ends up happening. imagine the kind of fun we are all going to have as I decide, between now and tomorrow, since I bet abisha that I would be zooming past Friday, to go home -wow, thing puts capital letters on days, like wow! I HATE that- whether I am going to see my mother to tell her that in seven years she will be dead and I will be-fuck, it does that on "I" as well, I really HATE that!- the only person alive, OR she will be a sexless being and I will be leaving the planet!Ok, so I watched Iron Man, and well, there are funny parallels, there, and fact is so I do have 'anxiety attacks' where this woman is concerned, not that I will not be able to save her from aliens, but rather that I will have to kill her, and I tend to kind of... like her... despite the lack of ... pronounced... chest protuberance. Now, how the fuck can ANYONE just read the last line and assume that I need to be baby-sitted and told what to do? I mean, hello, I can deconstruct and abstract and obfuscate verbs like the best English dictionary- mmm, does it go English too in small letters. Guess not. Well, I was early today, upstairs too, so I got the second available computer in a room full of... 18 computers, and one gets a card, logs in, and gets the 45 minutes like on sm@rtcape but well, with a bit of a difference. I had to write my name, Prince Mutasa, and it did not feel like such a fraud. I mean, when I woke up at Valkenberg after the Electro Convulsive Therapy, I was asked, "prince, how do you feel", and I was like "who the fuck is prince?"
Another funny thing is that, just across the road, right by the entrance, is my cousin Justin's last remaining 100% sibling, my cousin janet, whose mother is dead, and who I do not talk to. She saw me yesterday, as I walked in, and I pretended not to have seen her, but now I suppose even my mother knows that I am alive, and well and in site five, and... wearing the same clothes as of yesterday, and apparently, again, NOT working. Same Old Shit!
I had to come back, see, I mean who can resist the drama?
ten to one you never know the way the story ends!
And despite all this, I would rather be in the morgue!
Fuck, how come no one seems to understand THAT!
Ok, so I sat, and thought again, and then figured out what the 'bad teeth' allusion to me was, and I was like, OK, so He was NOT insulting me. I have this habit, from my childhood, of, when I want to cut wire, using my teeth. And I never lost a tooth from the time they came out. they seem harder than hard.
so, I was probably caught on camera a lot doing that, and so, of course, all that adds to my... weirdness.
and the fact that I probably need some looking after, that I am like some wild animal that has to let out some steam and then have the cause of the anger... ignored.
Which apparently was the subject of today's dream.
now, I have no further interest in what God's angle is in all this, I am just drifting with the flow.
Ok, so I sat up -had fixed my light by the way, and it is a proper light bulb, you know, the kind you buy- long into the night just to avoid sleeping and then anyway, decided to sleep, and had this dream, which involved a lot of other things, but which came to this point.
a masochistic looking guy was cutting off his chest hairs with a knife, a very sharp knife, and he cut himself a rather deep gash just between where the ribs meet, that 'valley' that runs down from the neck, and the heart, and it started bleeding. He looked like a guy wearing a mask, because his eyes looked unnatural, like they were deep set, very deep set, even from seeing him up front, like I was, like in a mirror.
then he seemed to ... remember something... a similar incident, because he turned back and I saw what was behind him, a guy like that waiter of tony's (ha look at that, I wrote t-a-h-t and the thing corrected it immediately to THAT) the coloured guy with the afro I caught staring anxiously at me the other time I ... backed off, and the guy was going, "OK, so you hit a stone, that means you are over it, right?". mask like guy chased tall coloured guy and then threw a rock or something at him because some female was approaching.
I woke up.
so, I suppose mike is... anxious. Says something like, OK, so you stuck a rock, smashed a pole, and so, now you are no longer angry, so I can carry on with life. I mean, what the fuck? I am frustrated at stuff, and the frustration is NOT remedied, and so how the fuck am I ... to cool off!
Which is why I decided that the causes of my unhappiness, DIE. No two ways about it. Now, I need to decide.
To pee or not to pee, that is the question!
FOR those who remain alive, of course.
Ok!
Another funny thing is that, just across the road, right by the entrance, is my cousin Justin's last remaining 100% sibling, my cousin janet, whose mother is dead, and who I do not talk to. She saw me yesterday, as I walked in, and I pretended not to have seen her, but now I suppose even my mother knows that I am alive, and well and in site five, and... wearing the same clothes as of yesterday, and apparently, again, NOT working. Same Old Shit!
I had to come back, see, I mean who can resist the drama?
ten to one you never know the way the story ends!
And despite all this, I would rather be in the morgue!
Fuck, how come no one seems to understand THAT!
Ok, so I sat, and thought again, and then figured out what the 'bad teeth' allusion to me was, and I was like, OK, so He was NOT insulting me. I have this habit, from my childhood, of, when I want to cut wire, using my teeth. And I never lost a tooth from the time they came out. they seem harder than hard.
so, I was probably caught on camera a lot doing that, and so, of course, all that adds to my... weirdness.
and the fact that I probably need some looking after, that I am like some wild animal that has to let out some steam and then have the cause of the anger... ignored.
Which apparently was the subject of today's dream.
now, I have no further interest in what God's angle is in all this, I am just drifting with the flow.
Ok, so I sat up -had fixed my light by the way, and it is a proper light bulb, you know, the kind you buy- long into the night just to avoid sleeping and then anyway, decided to sleep, and had this dream, which involved a lot of other things, but which came to this point.
a masochistic looking guy was cutting off his chest hairs with a knife, a very sharp knife, and he cut himself a rather deep gash just between where the ribs meet, that 'valley' that runs down from the neck, and the heart, and it started bleeding. He looked like a guy wearing a mask, because his eyes looked unnatural, like they were deep set, very deep set, even from seeing him up front, like I was, like in a mirror.
then he seemed to ... remember something... a similar incident, because he turned back and I saw what was behind him, a guy like that waiter of tony's (ha look at that, I wrote t-a-h-t and the thing corrected it immediately to THAT) the coloured guy with the afro I caught staring anxiously at me the other time I ... backed off, and the guy was going, "OK, so you hit a stone, that means you are over it, right?". mask like guy chased tall coloured guy and then threw a rock or something at him because some female was approaching.
I woke up.
so, I suppose mike is... anxious. Says something like, OK, so you stuck a rock, smashed a pole, and so, now you are no longer angry, so I can carry on with life. I mean, what the fuck? I am frustrated at stuff, and the frustration is NOT remedied, and so how the fuck am I ... to cool off!
Which is why I decided that the causes of my unhappiness, DIE. No two ways about it. Now, I need to decide.
To pee or not to pee, that is the question!
FOR those who remain alive, of course.
Ok!
