1) This is First about Me and God
2) Then, it is about whatever limitations God may place on me because of my ... prejudices (which He seeks to refute) on Him and what He expects from me, since He intoduced Himself to me so... bizarrely
3) Then, it will come to me dealing with people.
but, as usual, He starts with the man in the mirror; His mirror image, me!
And so, of course, I am the most astonished of people at this moment, because of what... I wrote, and how it revealed what I really wanted in life.
I think I wrote "fuck You", OK, so Idid write it, and as I stand, it does not change, because from where I stand it is impossible for what I found out about myself to actually be real. Well, He does say, and has said, on the issue- I wrote it down on vinnie's tablet, which reminds me, I should say this now, because situations have forced me to ... come to kalk bay to see vinnie specifically over some unclarified issues, and I must warn people, I am really NOT in the mood for bullshit, so kindly ignore me. Interfere with me and I SWEAR that Iwill unleash all my rage instantly on you fools. I am severely pissed off, and I am having to control my temper already just so that I can... try to speak civilly to vinnie,at whom I am getting rather severely pissed off, so, push me and I swear that what youthought wouldnever happen would suddenly, in broad daylight, happen- " I know the plans I have for you, plans for good andnot for evil, to give you a future and an expected end".
I think that what I am about to write is pure bullshit, I need some music to just get the hang of this. Of course, its what I , aside from wishing I was dead, actually say I ... positively... hope for.
frankly, it spells the difference between me killing everyone anyway, and just killing people, like, now.
Good girls!
Good grief!
Call me doubting thomas par-excellence
And I said that this was all bullshit!
but, OK, what was this!
Ok, lets face it, I have been searching for a woman, and rejecting every one of them, and satying with and beating every single one, except for one, who I said earlier I did not beat because she had no child. No, actually, it turns out that I did not beat her at all because she told me, and I believed her, that she, my age, which was what 27? 2009 it was, had never slept with anyone without protection.
I was the only exception.
which was kinda ironic that, because well,I was still at that point, till maybe ,um, now, i was living and breathing death seeking. She is infected. Deserves it the bitch! Why did she not wait for the one she actually WANTED!
Anyway, that actually made me feel kinda ... unique
kinda priviledged.
It was just a highlight of my secret yearning, someone that would know her own mind enough to just NOT indulge in sex until she met mr-right, and who would make that mr-right ... ME!
So, I said "fuck You" to God because she could NOT be the one, I mean, at her age, and she being white, and we all know about the permissive promiscuity of white people, dating and proms and all that, I mean, how the fuck could she NOT be ... known by someone else!
Fuck that!
Yet... I mean she is the only person that has actually made a certain kind of ... peace... in my heart, and justseeing her at times, (not when she tries to actas intercessor, I HATE that, I hate being TOLD what to do, and my decision on that stands, OK, then NOT on all the jews but on them fools she tried to intercede for) makes me just glad to be alive.
And I am heartless.
Remorseless
Unfeeling
Unrepentant
I ask myself if this is ME or am I being invaded?
Yet I long for her.
Like for nothing else.
i mean, I am usually glad to be proved wrong and find a chick to be less than the airs she put on herself, but I would be very ... unhappy if THIS one was NOT the one.
And my jealousy is itself a testament to maybe my sifting every action of hers and coming to the incredible conclusion that, her delusions of her 'role' in my life aside, this woman is actually... NOT taken.
At the moment.
who knows about the past?
Hell, NO, cant be!
Can it?
imean, I almost kissed vinnie when she changed and stopped showing her legs- my legs- the other time, andI remeber thawing even to tony and speaking warmly to him when she did some other ... right... thing.
Ok, then, there is God, and well, He would not bring me to thispoint, allow me to have such feelings unchecked when He promised me He would NOT let me fall? I mean, when I got off the computer, there was this song ;-
I am not the least bit hopeful that such a thing could BE.
besides, does she even ... love... me?
I mean,whats to love in me.
I am going to exterminate the americans, and flood her homeland, kill her boss, and those she worked with and pissed me off with, even junior and that obnoxious guard, because well, I will NOT be made a mockery of, and corrected by a mere woman, or mere person -God takes the ... long... way to say anything, that should have warned fools off- and I am going to kill off almost the entire congregation at vinnie's church who gathered to correct me, and the chinese people who wanted to tug at none-existant heart-strings, and well, I am still uncertain about whether I am leaving people ON the planet when I go, or will reduce them to... dust, which means I am from a completely different breed to what she expects, and well, on groundlevel, I am a bullshitter who admits to being HIV-positive and therefore likely to put her in harm's way, and so, how the fuck can she ... love... me?
God, You are FULL of SHIT!
that is my conclusion!
Lost boys;- I cant escape this life that I'm living. I may not be in love with two women, but fuck it, who can actually STAND me, on a day to day basis!
Me and MY crazy world !!!!
