And therefore, I have just been had, right where He wanted me.
For years i have been battling to NOT get here, but, in a blink, it all just ... happened. Now, there is no way to stop this, not at all.
It is over, people, prepare to die.
Fuck am I talking about?
I sort of said it yesterday, see, and used fucking movies to get the point across, the fight scene and such right up to where neo goes, "Iknow what you are trying to do to me", and, well, after all that, it was with... despair that i got off the terminal to the words "mbereko yakaramba", from the words of a song by a guy called marshall munhumumwe, which mean literally, that a woman could not conceive, but which, in my case, mean, as I have painfully discovered over the last weeks, the woman STILL can not stop thinking of me as a child, a case to be 'looked after'.
I had to come, though, just to eyeball the situation, and i... reached for a suitable marching song, and well, this one above came to mind. It seemed appropriate, even after a night where I and fidelis sat up till almost two am, him having been kicked out by his uncle-father's youngest brother- brian for not getting a place for himself, but sort of sponging on the rasta, and well, i took him in, because I was not sure i could sleep.
and I had almost convinced myself to just, well, make amends, and sort of just behave with the chick. And just forget everything that happened and try to fit in to her world, since, technically, she was just trying to ... civilise me.
yeah right!
After all the effort God put to get me, even timed it down to the year, right HERE, where i am, was I just going to have all that go down the drain because, for once in my life, I did not want to HARM someone?
And He has maximum deniability, after all, He just let... fools... take advantage.
And they walked right into it. Some things are so dumb!
Ok, let me demystify it for you, OK?
Or rather, let me just state things as they happened.
i got off the taxi, and a certain convertible with plates CA-17255 or something, belonging to a certain half-jewess, just happened to drive by, twice, and then was conspicuously parked where i would not fail to see it if i had to spend the day at vinnie's. Whether the audi parked across the road from that was driven/owned by a certain woman with 'auditory' disorder was another thing that made me realise that, OK, I am not sure that I can ...stay.
The circle was almost made complete, because i went to vinnie's, instead, and found him with johno, helping out making chairs and stuff, and then he asked me to walk him to the primary school to pay fees for his son.
and there it was, another, "do not be yourself" admonition.
We had to sit while the- well, where we come from we call them clerks, but I am not sure what the proper name is for the woman/man that handles the money- person decided to get a receipt book from somewhere, and I was like, "Oh, NO!"
because first, on the board, go read it, was a mother theresa saying about how not being loved is worse than being even hungry, "we must 'find each other". You know, that corny stuff, that mushy stuff.
then was something about having to fight a battle always to be yourself, and then about how to look after kids and then last was the one where a 'teacher' had it in his hands to humanize or dehumanize a pupil, to ...um... make things better or make them worse.
holy spirit telling me that the girl was within my grasp, all I had to do was NOT be myself, but keep a tight rein on my temper.
Big Mistake.
Because I can never get my eye off the ball for one second, I can never for an instant forget that i am NOT doing anything because i am sitting on the ... THING... in me that makes me the most lethal thing to ever walk the planet, and if I shift my attention on THAT, then well, it comes out.
And so it did, and I watched almost with my hands in my face as first I came within a hand's breath of tearing vinnie apart and said all the things I had been keeping in because I was 'watching it', and then went on to systematically disembowel any chance of reconciliation, and then walked away, after making sure that fidelis was out of my place and I could go and start really boiling up and then... well.. start with the destruction thing.
So, I failed, after all.
Maybe now, 'by Saturday', EVERYONE WILL know me, like I feared
It is over, people, prepare to die.
Fuck am I talking about?
I sort of said it yesterday, see, and used fucking movies to get the point across, the fight scene and such right up to where neo goes, "Iknow what you are trying to do to me", and, well, after all that, it was with... despair that i got off the terminal to the words "mbereko yakaramba", from the words of a song by a guy called marshall munhumumwe, which mean literally, that a woman could not conceive, but which, in my case, mean, as I have painfully discovered over the last weeks, the woman STILL can not stop thinking of me as a child, a case to be 'looked after'.
I had to come, though, just to eyeball the situation, and i... reached for a suitable marching song, and well, this one above came to mind. It seemed appropriate, even after a night where I and fidelis sat up till almost two am, him having been kicked out by his uncle-father's youngest brother- brian for not getting a place for himself, but sort of sponging on the rasta, and well, i took him in, because I was not sure i could sleep.
and I had almost convinced myself to just, well, make amends, and sort of just behave with the chick. And just forget everything that happened and try to fit in to her world, since, technically, she was just trying to ... civilise me.
yeah right!
After all the effort God put to get me, even timed it down to the year, right HERE, where i am, was I just going to have all that go down the drain because, for once in my life, I did not want to HARM someone?
And He has maximum deniability, after all, He just let... fools... take advantage.
And they walked right into it. Some things are so dumb!
Ok, let me demystify it for you, OK?
Or rather, let me just state things as they happened.
i got off the taxi, and a certain convertible with plates CA-17255 or something, belonging to a certain half-jewess, just happened to drive by, twice, and then was conspicuously parked where i would not fail to see it if i had to spend the day at vinnie's. Whether the audi parked across the road from that was driven/owned by a certain woman with 'auditory' disorder was another thing that made me realise that, OK, I am not sure that I can ...stay.
The circle was almost made complete, because i went to vinnie's, instead, and found him with johno, helping out making chairs and stuff, and then he asked me to walk him to the primary school to pay fees for his son.
and there it was, another, "do not be yourself" admonition.
We had to sit while the- well, where we come from we call them clerks, but I am not sure what the proper name is for the woman/man that handles the money- person decided to get a receipt book from somewhere, and I was like, "Oh, NO!"
because first, on the board, go read it, was a mother theresa saying about how not being loved is worse than being even hungry, "we must 'find each other". You know, that corny stuff, that mushy stuff.
then was something about having to fight a battle always to be yourself, and then about how to look after kids and then last was the one where a 'teacher' had it in his hands to humanize or dehumanize a pupil, to ...um... make things better or make them worse.
holy spirit telling me that the girl was within my grasp, all I had to do was NOT be myself, but keep a tight rein on my temper.
Big Mistake.
And so it did, and I watched almost with my hands in my face as first I came within a hand's breath of tearing vinnie apart and said all the things I had been keeping in because I was 'watching it', and then went on to systematically disembowel any chance of reconciliation, and then walked away, after making sure that fidelis was out of my place and I could go and start really boiling up and then... well.. start with the destruction thing.
So, I failed, after all.
Maybe now, 'by Saturday', EVERYONE WILL know me, like I feared
