But I can have mine resolved... easy
Ok, my heart is beating a tattoo that i can not understand, and i am like, fuck this, and i try to work, do something, and what happens, I am thinking... um... pussy, and I go out, to get some, and well, lets say i am not the same 'me' I used to be, I mean, I am ME, just no longer so ... unprincipled. I do get a girl that I used to know, from where i do not know, but she promises to come see me later, and i am like, OK, and then I come back, and I sleep like a dead person, while my mind is feverishly connecting the dots, and trying to put these... happenings in a time frame. Were these incidents that I dreamt about happening in real time or are they still to happen, and if so, could it be that the woman is now actually undergoing a change, or was being changed blow-by-blow, or is this just some kind of prank?
Ok, only one way to find out, and I happen to love concluding stuff first hand.
Well, I guess i just lost the bet.
the maverick will be in kalk bay tomorrow, to... decide, YEAH-SSS!
Ok, only one way to find out, and I happen to love concluding stuff first hand.
Well, I guess i just lost the bet.
the maverick will be in kalk bay tomorrow, to... decide, YEAH-SSS!
Technically, I would love to be able to put people's hearts at ease and say that, actually, your lives or needs... matter... to me, but hell, I would be lying, because when you get right down to it, I am yet to find something that can make me actually ... change.
ok, so I am afraid, and it is a sensation that i have yet to experience in my life, fear. the fear needs to be analysed, and I must say that it is probably way past time I dug deep and set things as they are.
i hate people, and can not stand them, on the whole. Everyone I have met i have ended up putting a sort of safety net or bullshit metre around, and carefully steered the subject, almost unobstrusively, from things that do offend me, just so that i do not explode.
of course, to you all, I am just a childish person, but you should spend a day in my shoes, and see just how much of a struggle it is for me to even smile at a person, or even sit a while with the person.
What you see as me snapping at times is me pushed over the limit of even my pretense at camaraderie, and now, I must tell you this, I can not handle situations such as the one I am in. I stopped staying in kalk bay, and the hardest thing for me was, from day one, coming back to it, to spend time in it.
I should have flown the roost long ago, but I did not.
this is atypical behaviour for the one person that holds everything so lightly.
i mean, I have no deep roots and yet, i have found myself just unable to walk away
And well, SHE is the reason.
Why is that so?
It is more than the fact that she has stuck to her guns and sometimes actually gone out of her way, with absolutely NO grounds whatsoever to even dare to do so, to correct me. Brave to the point of stupidity sometimes when it comes to dealing with me, I find myself laughing at some of the things she has done, like try to make me bow to the fact that i ought to just accept the guys that she smiled at- I mean, she like everyone else saw me tug at my hair, and probaby assumed that, after I had hit a wall or something it was over and safe to proceed with moulding me into the right kind of person, reforming me or such-uh, those guys, FYI are DEAD just so that it is clear that while i like what that revealed about her, her digging her own claws into me, like she had every right to me, which is something no one ever did before, and which i value to the utmost
it still does not mean I will allow her to sabotage my plans and have her own way with me. No, I go where I want to go, and I do what I want to do, and I suppose that it all comes down to the same thing again, she really must just make things easy for the both of us, and if me, she must go all out for me, and if not,she must just totally reject me. Fuck it is easy, just come out, and hold a guy's hand in front of me.
OK, so I get to kill you, but where is your faith? Maybe I will finally be what you want, and become jealous and make a public fool of myself, or something like that.
Other thing is, of course, the way she smiles. Ok, no one I have ever met manages to both show her liveliness and a certain vulnerability that, I will say again, makes her probably the safest person that i could ever have around. Safe from me. because, starting from MY mother to each and every one of my sisters, i have been a sort of protector, and been offended at every turn, because we never connected, and yet, I remember when she showed up the other time i was sitting at vinnie's after i had threatened her - uh, really it is for me a trial to deal with people- and she showed up, and ms short and dumpy -OK if I call a truce on your female companions, and just ignore them, like they never happened?- said something to her and they walked straight to the bakery and then again past me to the cottage-which I will leave a pile of rubble, just for the heck of it, I am not yet decided about the blasted gallery and whole building- with mike and those fools?
Well, it was the smile that got to me, like, "ok, I am listening to you, lets do this, ok, I can do this, I think", like she was psyching herself up for it. Based on a fear of me.
A person who 'trembles' at my word.
how much safer does one have to be than that.
part of my rage is based on the fact that i am so weird NO ONE ever listens to me anyway to begin with, and yet if all I do is just state a thing and she is all shivery, how can i keep on boiling?
i mean, my anger is gone before it even starts.
if only she would listen to me completely and not subjectively frame everything the way she wants and ignore my words.
ok, so this is not a typical fairy tale ... tale, but then I am more an ogre than prince charming, and it is more like, I can never sit at a 'civilised' table and do all that small talk and pretend not to be hurt when something upsets me. I am direct, like a... sword thrust. Or a bullet to the brain. I do not say, i will kill you with words, I am thinking of what to kill you with, a garrotte, a...tai-sho, or something from dim mak, that will transfer you brain from one end to the other at 'infinitesmal speed' and... well, kill you.
ok, I read about the motor neurons and stuff, and all that 'excitement' from a book called "Mark of the Cobra", a... pacessetter, while still a pickinin, and well, I tried to visualise it all, and what do you know, next thing i was kicking trees and punching walls. And growing tall, and morphing into this bad ass guy with deep set eyes. I wonder if I can blame God for the face.
must be His fault. Everything else is.
then there was matrix, with that 'chinese' wake-up, mmm do I get that on YouTube?
The clip of the matrix shows something I was struggling to bring across,and well, to put it graphically, I was born and became THIS, and was the antithesis of the established order that you all are under. I have nothing to lose, so i can not be ... taken... and more to the point, i have no illusions about what is there, and so, do not need to be... taught anything. I know more about what ... ails... even people's hearts in my little finger than all of you do in a whole country, and well, i have run out of places to hide. Anyway, this was about neo fighting morpheus in the training session, where i started with the... kicking stuff, after wondering about certain things. Now, is THAT on YouTube?
See, I wanted to... protect... people, see, and always put a certain inhibition into what i did, and always, even in fight situations, I never tried to actually... harm... people. But for some time now, that has been eroded, and been eroded bad. Because i was pushed to the end of my patience. I was busy trying to figure out God, and mere fools were trying to bring me to ... heel.
I snapped a long time ago, when the one person who i thought could see that decided to get... flowers, and for the first time ever i lost what remained of me self control. And never bothered getting it back. Now, what God in 15 years did not manage to do, one woman has done in, a few short weeks.
I am no longer able to rein in the rage. What used to be a pillar of iron control was eroded from inside, and all that is left is the core that is on meltdown.
I became afraid. Me, the cold one.
And I have never been conditioned for fear.
I became afraid that the best thing i had... found... was not mine after all, and I never wanted anything at all in my life. So, that fear has ended up with me dealing with stuff the only way i can, the only way I know how, by going... hard core
I have no idea what else to... do!
pathetic, ha!
ok, so I am afraid, and it is a sensation that i have yet to experience in my life, fear. the fear needs to be analysed, and I must say that it is probably way past time I dug deep and set things as they are.
i hate people, and can not stand them, on the whole. Everyone I have met i have ended up putting a sort of safety net or bullshit metre around, and carefully steered the subject, almost unobstrusively, from things that do offend me, just so that i do not explode.
of course, to you all, I am just a childish person, but you should spend a day in my shoes, and see just how much of a struggle it is for me to even smile at a person, or even sit a while with the person.
What you see as me snapping at times is me pushed over the limit of even my pretense at camaraderie, and now, I must tell you this, I can not handle situations such as the one I am in. I stopped staying in kalk bay, and the hardest thing for me was, from day one, coming back to it, to spend time in it.
I should have flown the roost long ago, but I did not.
this is atypical behaviour for the one person that holds everything so lightly.
i mean, I have no deep roots and yet, i have found myself just unable to walk away
Why is that so?
It is more than the fact that she has stuck to her guns and sometimes actually gone out of her way, with absolutely NO grounds whatsoever to even dare to do so, to correct me. Brave to the point of stupidity sometimes when it comes to dealing with me, I find myself laughing at some of the things she has done, like try to make me bow to the fact that i ought to just accept the guys that she smiled at- I mean, she like everyone else saw me tug at my hair, and probaby assumed that, after I had hit a wall or something it was over and safe to proceed with moulding me into the right kind of person, reforming me or such-uh, those guys, FYI are DEAD just so that it is clear that while i like what that revealed about her, her digging her own claws into me, like she had every right to me, which is something no one ever did before, and which i value to the utmost
OK, so I get to kill you, but where is your faith? Maybe I will finally be what you want, and become jealous and make a public fool of myself, or something like that.
Other thing is, of course, the way she smiles. Ok, no one I have ever met manages to both show her liveliness and a certain vulnerability that, I will say again, makes her probably the safest person that i could ever have around. Safe from me. because, starting from MY mother to each and every one of my sisters, i have been a sort of protector, and been offended at every turn, because we never connected, and yet, I remember when she showed up the other time i was sitting at vinnie's after i had threatened her - uh, really it is for me a trial to deal with people- and she showed up, and ms short and dumpy -OK if I call a truce on your female companions, and just ignore them, like they never happened?- said something to her and they walked straight to the bakery and then again past me to the cottage-which I will leave a pile of rubble, just for the heck of it, I am not yet decided about the blasted gallery and whole building- with mike and those fools?
Well, it was the smile that got to me, like, "ok, I am listening to you, lets do this, ok, I can do this, I think", like she was psyching herself up for it. Based on a fear of me.
A person who 'trembles' at my word.
how much safer does one have to be than that.
part of my rage is based on the fact that i am so weird NO ONE ever listens to me anyway to begin with, and yet if all I do is just state a thing and she is all shivery, how can i keep on boiling?
i mean, my anger is gone before it even starts.
if only she would listen to me completely and not subjectively frame everything the way she wants and ignore my words.
I remember saying things about other women and being glad, around 10pm, as i walked from the train station to see her still up, in the office, and I would love just seeing her outline and her ... chin, I mean, i like that, for real, as she did whatever she was doing at them computers.
And I love the way she looks at me, like, can I pass, and then takes her courage if I do not react. Reminds me of an incident long ago, when I was still keeping my lack of interest in further 'studies' a secret and I would go to the Midlands State University just for the coffee and then walk all the way back, past the zimbabwe military academy shooting grounds,and just chill sometimes, enjoy nature, far from the madding crowd, my back on fire,miserable to the core, and not even a millionth as knowelegeable as i am not about just WHY the fuck all this was happening to me.
And one of those small duikers came out and did not see me and continued along its way, and was browsing. Know how vulnerable they look, and how you just wish for once one of them would break the ice and just come to you and nuzzle your palm or something, and maybe just carry on with its life?
kind of how I feel where she is concerned, like, I did not ask for this, for me to be this. If I could, I would pull the plug on me too, and just be gone. Do you know just how frustrating it is to know that, while not being the tallest person alive, nor the most physically imposing, I am the most feared thing wherever I walk. I even tried this once, the day I missed the taxis while at the internet cafe -ah no cafe' there, fuck!- and walked past some little hooligans and actually trid to act like i was lost, they took one look at me, and decided they had business elsewhere, like I am radiating menace.of course i am, and of course i am the most terrible thing to happen on earth, but ...
in a way I am a prisoner in this.All I want to do is die.And thus be free of this.I can not fit in, i can not let go what I perceive as wrongs, and I can not walk away, because i already have my back against the wall, and there is like a fire under my feet making me uncomfortable where I am and yet at the same time the people do not take a hint and accept my simple words, stay out of my way before i turn my rage against you. For some, like the dead man walking, I have nothing but humour, but for those who persisted in seeking to mamipulate the 'stupid one' well, my anger has gone critical.
ok, so this is not a typical fairy tale ... tale, but then I am more an ogre than prince charming, and it is more like, I can never sit at a 'civilised' table and do all that small talk and pretend not to be hurt when something upsets me. I am direct, like a... sword thrust. Or a bullet to the brain. I do not say, i will kill you with words, I am thinking of what to kill you with, a garrotte, a...tai-sho, or something from dim mak, that will transfer you brain from one end to the other at 'infinitesmal speed' and... well, kill you.
ok, I read about the motor neurons and stuff, and all that 'excitement' from a book called "Mark of the Cobra", a... pacessetter, while still a pickinin, and well, I tried to visualise it all, and what do you know, next thing i was kicking trees and punching walls. And growing tall, and morphing into this bad ass guy with deep set eyes. I wonder if I can blame God for the face.
must be His fault. Everything else is.
then there was matrix, with that 'chinese' wake-up, mmm do I get that on YouTube?
I snapped a long time ago, when the one person who i thought could see that decided to get... flowers, and for the first time ever i lost what remained of me self control. And never bothered getting it back. Now, what God in 15 years did not manage to do, one woman has done in, a few short weeks.
I am no longer able to rein in the rage. What used to be a pillar of iron control was eroded from inside, and all that is left is the core that is on meltdown.
I became afraid. Me, the cold one.
And I have never been conditioned for fear.
I became afraid that the best thing i had... found... was not mine after all, and I never wanted anything at all in my life. So, that fear has ended up with me dealing with stuff the only way i can, the only way I know how, by going... hard core
pathetic, ha!
