trend it easy fir follow
it nuh easy fir set
me nuh settle fir the less
I proceed fir the best
...
me nuh follow nobody
After a busy day moving up and down the periphery of cape town as me and lee got lost trying to figure out how to get to the N7 so that he could get cheaper transport to get to the Namibian border, namely a truck, I wearily, after 3pm, got into a taxi from Du-Noon, nerves jangled and torn to pieces as I got ready for live life as an 'accountable' person, among other people, whom I can not stand to begin with, and worried sick about one other thing, and I almost wished I could just skip kalk bay entirely and just go ... home, but I needed a change of clothes, and so, after I had deliberately tied my hair behind my back to avoid giving away my worry, I got off the train,and walked to vinnie's stall, after observing the insanity of my joy-relief-sadness/fear reflected almost instantly in the... atmosphere. I mean, talk about... transparency.
fuck, imaging someone waking up and asking, "how is prince feeling today", and all one has to do is look out , study the sky, and go, "patchy clouds=> moody; and some intermittent sunshine,=> he is at times happy that she has not actually rejected him, but he is still worried that she WILL, so his mood is dark. it is rainy, so he is thinking of acting, but there are no thunderstorms, so he is still not quite sure whether to pull the plug on the woman he loves, so, we get to live another day. Same old story".
Now, when i got to the stall, I saw vinnie, and he said, well, your girlfriend was here [I wish I COULD call her that], and she was getting stuff from the office, upstairs, and I greeted her, asked her if i could help her, and then she took me swimming, we went to muizenberg, and we did not talk about you at all. I felt sick. Not that he said he had been with her, but that he said she had been at the office. I mean, frankly, I have been thinking of my reaction to her with ... ANY... other person, and I find that I want to be... everything... to her. I mean, I will completely annihilate anyone who has had the temerity to stand between me and her, and that said, i AM going to kill every male i have seen her with-it is a pride thing- and am really thinking about totally wiping out everyone she STILL associates with, simply because every second she IS with someone is what I consider MY time.
And, when I said i cared about nothing else, well, I may have stretched the truth a little. I actually care, about other things, but these other things are... duties... whereas she is someone I find I am completely at ease having around. WHY?
Simple. I said it a million times, but still people like the gallery woman and red breeches and maybe all of you 'clever' types do not get it, because the simple things, the basic things, elude you, fools.
you all try to 'catch' my attention, get me to 'follow' where you lead, and well, technically, I do not have to even 'behave' towards any of you. I AM, without even the shadow of doubt, the ONE person that can do as he pleases and has to answer to no one, at all. Which means NONE of you have any rights, so, stuff your silly nonsense, or your 'drive-bys' or stuff, because I WILL kill those that I said I will kill, and i do not even have to justify that. If I do not like something, well, fuck it, I will dispose of it.
But when it comes to her, she is not the 'look-at-me-and-have-your-eyes-fall-out-of-their-sockets' type of person. No, she looks at ME first, and then looks away, and I get to see what she is trying to say. She has done it so often that I realise that it is natural. It is not an act. And so, she does not try to draw me out, I can read her like a book. What i find not so easy is HER reading me, and so, that is why I am trying to explain myself, so that maybe she can understand ME, and where i am coming from.
i realised, today, after seeing the stunt red-breeches pulled with a bouquet of flowers as she walked past -yes, again, even after I said I hated that, and hated HER, wonder if she saw the finger I gave her- that maybe, just maybe, she, my apple, has been trying to get in my good books, and failing, because I have not been so easy to read.
maybe her standing and talking to some guy while holding a bouquet of flowers - guy is dead, by the way, nothing personal, I just hate even a hint of competition- was maybe not the provocative act I assumed it was. It is inconsistent with her other behaviour, even when she was out to irritate me. I mean, the ONE thing she has wanted to... stress... to me is that she is NOT involved with anyone...
Or, and by the way, vinnie said that he DID see her, but the way she is always so quiet as she walks by, how could he say anything to her? she was there, then? behind my back, like I am some monster that she has to hide from. I mean, just how bleak a picture does THAT paint on my aspirations? How can I even imagine HER in my arms if she is so terrified of me?Or if i am just making myself an embarrassment to her
I mean, what part of, I am not interested in anyone else do you assholes not get. Stay the fuck out of my way, I do not even have to explain to any of you why I am killing you, anyway, fuck it.
Anyway, the other... duties... I have to actually dispose of are things like the ever mounting debt I seem to owe to people who just act to pull me out of difficult situations, especially when I am so... incapable of dealing with life. I am actually feeling rather naked now that I have a place to myself, and a... key... to a door of my own. I can not even explain the weirdness of it all. I can not handle it. I have to think of more than just throwing a 500g packet of rice, cost R5, into a tin, putting it onto a fire,and just sleeping till the whole thing is done. no, now I must have taxi fare. Before i used to work for internet fare fuck the rest. And all I want to do is just die. But I have to do these things, and get... 'wages'. I am breaking up into a million pieces here. I think I am gonna have to start keeping money under a pillow. i think I will be here for quite a while. If I do not kill someone first. I do not LIKE people. They are violating my personal space!
Fuck, I hate this.
fuck, imaging someone waking up and asking, "how is prince feeling today", and all one has to do is look out , study the sky, and go, "patchy clouds=> moody; and some intermittent sunshine,=> he is at times happy that she has not actually rejected him, but he is still worried that she WILL, so his mood is dark. it is rainy, so he is thinking of acting, but there are no thunderstorms, so he is still not quite sure whether to pull the plug on the woman he loves, so, we get to live another day. Same old story".
Now, when i got to the stall, I saw vinnie, and he said, well, your girlfriend was here [I wish I COULD call her that], and she was getting stuff from the office, upstairs, and I greeted her, asked her if i could help her, and then she took me swimming, we went to muizenberg, and we did not talk about you at all. I felt sick. Not that he said he had been with her, but that he said she had been at the office. I mean, frankly, I have been thinking of my reaction to her with ... ANY... other person, and I find that I want to be... everything... to her. I mean, I will completely annihilate anyone who has had the temerity to stand between me and her, and that said, i AM going to kill every male i have seen her with-it is a pride thing- and am really thinking about totally wiping out everyone she STILL associates with, simply because every second she IS with someone is what I consider MY time.
And, when I said i cared about nothing else, well, I may have stretched the truth a little. I actually care, about other things, but these other things are... duties... whereas she is someone I find I am completely at ease having around. WHY?
Simple. I said it a million times, but still people like the gallery woman and red breeches and maybe all of you 'clever' types do not get it, because the simple things, the basic things, elude you, fools.
you all try to 'catch' my attention, get me to 'follow' where you lead, and well, technically, I do not have to even 'behave' towards any of you. I AM, without even the shadow of doubt, the ONE person that can do as he pleases and has to answer to no one, at all. Which means NONE of you have any rights, so, stuff your silly nonsense, or your 'drive-bys' or stuff, because I WILL kill those that I said I will kill, and i do not even have to justify that. If I do not like something, well, fuck it, I will dispose of it.
But when it comes to her, she is not the 'look-at-me-and-have-your-eyes-fall-out-of-their-sockets' type of person. No, she looks at ME first, and then looks away, and I get to see what she is trying to say. She has done it so often that I realise that it is natural. It is not an act. And so, she does not try to draw me out, I can read her like a book. What i find not so easy is HER reading me, and so, that is why I am trying to explain myself, so that maybe she can understand ME, and where i am coming from.
i realised, today, after seeing the stunt red-breeches pulled with a bouquet of flowers as she walked past -yes, again, even after I said I hated that, and hated HER, wonder if she saw the finger I gave her- that maybe, just maybe, she, my apple, has been trying to get in my good books, and failing, because I have not been so easy to read.
maybe her standing and talking to some guy while holding a bouquet of flowers - guy is dead, by the way, nothing personal, I just hate even a hint of competition- was maybe not the provocative act I assumed it was. It is inconsistent with her other behaviour, even when she was out to irritate me. I mean, the ONE thing she has wanted to... stress... to me is that she is NOT involved with anyone...
Or, and by the way, vinnie said that he DID see her, but the way she is always so quiet as she walks by, how could he say anything to her? she was there, then? behind my back, like I am some monster that she has to hide from. I mean, just how bleak a picture does THAT paint on my aspirations? How can I even imagine HER in my arms if she is so terrified of me?Or if i am just making myself an embarrassment to her
I mean, what part of, I am not interested in anyone else do you assholes not get. Stay the fuck out of my way, I do not even have to explain to any of you why I am killing you, anyway, fuck it.
Anyway, the other... duties... I have to actually dispose of are things like the ever mounting debt I seem to owe to people who just act to pull me out of difficult situations, especially when I am so... incapable of dealing with life. I am actually feeling rather naked now that I have a place to myself, and a... key... to a door of my own. I can not even explain the weirdness of it all. I can not handle it. I have to think of more than just throwing a 500g packet of rice, cost R5, into a tin, putting it onto a fire,and just sleeping till the whole thing is done. no, now I must have taxi fare. Before i used to work for internet fare fuck the rest. And all I want to do is just die. But I have to do these things, and get... 'wages'. I am breaking up into a million pieces here. I think I am gonna have to start keeping money under a pillow. i think I will be here for quite a while. If I do not kill someone first. I do not LIKE people. They are violating my personal space!
Fuck, I hate this.
