I wish I could be
As cool as you
I wish I could do
The things you do
but I can't and I wont live a lie
no not this time
but I can't and I wont live a lie
no not this time
I was like, depressed, OK, and I went to sleep early. I had, have, plenty of food, and I am rather worried about what to do, what to even eat, and I am watching everything like it is happening to a stranger, and so, I am, like, out of sorts, and then, inevitably, I get Something;- "I've got a little something for you", and, well, brian comes back from kalk bay, says there is a football match, zimbabwe against mali, and he wants to watch it, and invites me to join him, and I am like, fuck, whatare the odds of zim doing it, and when they do score in the first half, I am like, comeback is inevitable, and so, I do not bother watching the second half, I go to sleep, and then am woken by a loud ... roar... as they score again, and watch somewhat anxiously as they retain the lead, and lose the clean sheet record.
And I... get... the point. How can I spoil zim's finest hour to date, in football. I mean, I AM a zimbabwean, and well, watching them boys play was a thrill.
So, I will back off a bit and wait till after the tournament, and THEN move on.
fuck, I did not even know that there were african nations playing HERE until I brian gave me the heads up after the tournament had long started, and even when I spoke/wrote of joseph chinotimba, I assumed that they were playing in some other country.
I really TRY not to keep abreast of current affairs. But, heck, this having to weigh EVERYTHING and the effects on people,and the bonds that I find not so easy to break, well, it is getting rather... complicated.
I wish things were just plain and simple. Iwish I thought like a knife thinks, or would think if it had a brain;- "Cut!"
So, I will back off a bit and wait till after the tournament, and THEN move on.
fuck, I did not even know that there were african nations playing HERE until I brian gave me the heads up after the tournament had long started, and even when I spoke/wrote of joseph chinotimba, I assumed that they were playing in some other country.
I really TRY not to keep abreast of current affairs. But, heck, this having to weigh EVERYTHING and the effects on people,and the bonds that I find not so easy to break, well, it is getting rather... complicated.
I wish things were just plain and simple. Iwish I thought like a knife thinks, or would think if it had a brain;- "Cut!"
And yet I find that, in everything as well, I can not just tear and rend, I weigh the pros, the cons, and even then, making a permanent decision is kinda complicated, because I tend to also think of, or get reminded of, the possible ramifications of what I do, or attempt to do.
Like, well, what I 'open', see, no one can shut, and what I 'shut' no one can open, so, this is a whole different ball game from
when I assumed this was all a joke. What I do, from now on, is permanent, and I am like, worried. I have so much food, for instance, what the fuck do I do with the... variety. I had no breaksfast just because I could NOT decide what to even look at. Its scary. I mean, really. I am used to being a bare-essentials type of person, but heck, I went on a sort of shopping spree yesterday, shopping for long lasting stuff, ofcourse, but then, I am looking at what I ... bought, and I am rather horrified.
I did my washing and I did not know till now that I had so many... clothes!
Ok, that may seem funny to some, but heck, this is... OK, no wonder people assume I am a kid. I am like ET trying to get to grips with... life, and I am steadily getting lost in it. I really NEED to get away from this, this is NOT me. I am feeling like I am losing my ... identity... here.
Anyway, I am sort of watching myself as I move about, and there is something so... disturbing... that I am picking up the more I mix and mingle with people. It is relatively easy to talk to and get used to people that I have to meet, like the people at the internet cafe, my landlord, or people at the somali shop that I interact with on a daily basis, but then, they become rather... friendly... the more I and them mix, and yet, with me, my even joking with them, or NOT even joking but just getting down to business, is a sort of attempt for them NOT to try to get close to me, and attempt to hide myself from them.
Yet my 'mask' seems so attractive to them that what I try to achieve backfires.
And I am feeling really out of sorts here.
i mean, how can one harm someone that 'likes' you, and is at ... ease... with you?
fuck,this is getting ... complicated!
How does the song go, "Carry me through the river jordan/ I will then say to thee/ that you were my friend/...."
Everybody is talking all that stuff about me/ why cant they just let me live?/.../they say I'm crazy.../ Bad mind is active/... /Its my prerogative...!
I did my washing and I did not know till now that I had so many... clothes!
Ok, that may seem funny to some, but heck, this is... OK, no wonder people assume I am a kid. I am like ET trying to get to grips with... life, and I am steadily getting lost in it. I really NEED to get away from this, this is NOT me. I am feeling like I am losing my ... identity... here.
Anyway, I am sort of watching myself as I move about, and there is something so... disturbing... that I am picking up the more I mix and mingle with people. It is relatively easy to talk to and get used to people that I have to meet, like the people at the internet cafe, my landlord, or people at the somali shop that I interact with on a daily basis, but then, they become rather... friendly... the more I and them mix, and yet, with me, my even joking with them, or NOT even joking but just getting down to business, is a sort of attempt for them NOT to try to get close to me, and attempt to hide myself from them.
Yet my 'mask' seems so attractive to them that what I try to achieve backfires.
i mean, how can one harm someone that 'likes' you, and is at ... ease... with you?
fuck,this is getting ... complicated!
How does the song go, "Carry me through the river jordan/ I will then say to thee/ that you were my friend/...."
I am feeling so ... low that you would not believe.I need to get out of this situation but aside from ignoring the 'voices' of people around me and going against MYSELF and going on a rampage as I deny the fact that I, more than anyone else alive, do NOT want to live so I will NOT, unless provoked, like I was in kalk bay, prejudice someone else's life and take it -because that IS my prerogative- but at the same time I can not live this life as I am currently doing. It is NOT me!
Everybody is talking all that stuff about me/ why cant they just let me live?/.../they say I'm crazy.../ Bad mind is active/... /Its my prerogative...!
Well, there is this song that parodies eddy murphy's coming to america, reminded was I of that by the lyrics of beenie man's badmind is active.
which reminds me, as jamaica is so... near america, the US, I will be very ... pleased... to eliminate the people there, just so that Ido not have to worry about being laughed at for my poor rendition of their songs. Which means, technically, I am STILL out to destroy ALL of the americas, and make it my sole habitation for the remaining years I am ... here.
which reminds me, as jamaica is so... near america, the US, I will be very ... pleased... to eliminate the people there, just so that Ido not have to worry about being laughed at for my poor rendition of their songs. Which means, technically, I am STILL out to destroy ALL of the americas, and make it my sole habitation for the remaining years I am ... here.
put your hands where my eyes can see!
