So, I am a bit worried when I go off the internet cafe. Not only am I expecting the woman to "hold out" for better terms, like usual, because she of course would not get the point that it is a man, not a boy, that is talking to her, and thus would, as usual, rubbish everything I say, and I am thinking she is also going "If you really are a man, practice what you preach", and all that jazz;- Not only that, BUT, I am getting a bit uncomfortable with having to go home, to see my mother.Because, of course, when I left home, I had a vision of a very comfortably confident-looking guy and me in a boat, and he was at the back of the boat while I was just sitting somewhere in it, and we both had arms crossed, while he was standing, and he said, with finality, "you will NOT go back", so, these past few days, I was like, who the fuck will tell ME what to do.
But, I left home once, when my sister, the one who is not feeling well, saw just how catatonic I was getting, (after coming back home after breaking up with the ...other woman/mother and being told afterwards, "I have added 15 years to your life", and then later, "October 13", which day is the day I got this herpes attack;- I mean, the scars are on my back, just little spots, under my left shoulder blade, but at that time it was like... a whole belt, and good thing I was NOT at home) and organised with this uncle of mine for me to go to the capital to... organise... my papers.
(Which I had burned, from birth certificate onwards, because i was in conflict, I KNEW, and I KNOW my mother wants me dead, but she expected me to make it in life and support her, and I could never over-ride the first instinct, which may be why, in part I got rid of those other papers the moment I crossed the border, and wanted a new name, just so that I could be someone different, and be someone else that did not have to hear the ring of doom anytime anyone called me by the name my mother gave me)
i was a different person when I got back, because the same sister-funny that, it is always HER that seems to pull me towards home- was arrested for swindling people looking for farms by asking for bribes upfront.
I had to pay the bail, my father borrowed money from someone and then was on and on about me making sure as soon as possible i paid it back, so I went back.
i was fit, healthy, had shrugged off the herpes attack like nothing, and was walking with my head high.
then I got home, and I remember a friend of mine noticing the difference and asking me why I came back at all, when I was having a life elsewhere.
it was and is, like an irresistible tug, like the nearest thing, the ONLY thing I am addicted to, this 'command' of my mother to go on auto-self destruct.
And right now, just thinking about it is making me think, maybe I should just skip the trip home and just go to the US.
maybe it is time my sister grew up, and faced her own life, and stopped tugging at my heartstrings.
Maybe the Lord Of The Earth really Does have limits!
It is time I broke my... "protector" promise. I do NOT, technically, have a LIFE to live because I can not die anyway, but maybe I should recognise the fact that if i want to be able to NOT die in peace, and NOT in pieces, then I have to stop walking in two different paths, and stick to my ... better-to-live-with-self, a self that I do not have to drag around, but am easy with.
I have to leave her and wean myself off of her.
i will NOT allow her to die, but at the same time I do not have to be THERE for her to be healed.
this I-will-suffer-with-you mode I had developed serves none of us any purpose, and well, while my deathwish is a very strong tug where I am concerned, nothing makes me come UNDONE more than the mere sight of my mother, and I remember the decision I made to leave home was based on the fact that i had come close to killing her myself, out of frustration, and that was when I decided to grasp the "I have prepared a place for you, says the president of turkey" statement I had heard just as I got home, and went flat like a punctured tyre.
Woman, I am NOT a child. I know that my lackadaisical approach to life makes me seem like such to you, but I promise you, it is not even the one who keeps me alive who runs my life here. I go where I want to go, do as I see fit, and all he does is keep me alive, because I do not have my hands on the steering wheel of life. I am the ONE person that can not forget things, takes things from the beginning and proceeds with them to the conclusion. I am the ONE creature that is LIKE God and thus have fully autonomous powers to ACT in dominion over everything, and anywhere, because THAT was the condition God gave for dominion, "Let Us make man out of Our own image, and in Our own likeness, and let THEM have dominion over ... all the earth". Unfortunately, the man was doomed from the start because the holy spirit, who was NOT included, decided to go INTO the man, and thus began directing the whole scenario from the outset, and man was made to be like an animal, who must have a 'mate'.
You are NOT necessary to ME, because I am complete as I am. I do not NEED you. I rule without you. You are NOT my helper, so, if you think that I will make terms easier for you, well, how about testing me and letting us find out. I am about to get fed up with game playing, and I will make my way to kalk bay, and is what I find there is NOT to my liking, I promise you that nothing that you call your own, not you, not your dogs, not your family, not your race, not anyone that even LOOKS like you, or shares any traits with you, will live for a second after I get there. Then you will see just how much I can 'practise what I preach'. Wanna go for that, fool!
Fuck you!
Dont fuck with me, you little piece of shit!
Or by hell, I will make what remians of your existence the most miserable time on this planet, I SWEAR it to you, and then you will see just how venegful this "little boy" can be, you stupid little cunt!
I have had enough of you modelling in front of mne like it is you that is necessary to get me of the groun. Fuck do you get off your silly self-deception? Where the fuck were you all the days of my life? Are you bthe reason I amstill alive now? Can you make the weather resonate with your mood? AmI some cheap magician or a monkey that must perform tricks to amuse you. Fuck do you get off adding delusion to your already numerous things you have done to me already. dont you get the fact that the ONLY thing between you and instant death for ME is... NOTHING? Fuck doyou think you are you small little cunt!
And you do not even have breasts!
fuck, you should be kissing MY ass you small little piece fo shit, so that I can be merciful to you, not making me feellike a foolbecause you think something is going to appear out of thin air and save you! Fine, if you thinkthis has to be about God, then invite Him to save you, because I am coming for you,and we wlill see who will save who? Do that stunt with mike again, and see if anything can spare you from me. FUCK you!
Wanna test me? And assume that if I love you I am beholden to you? Well, lets try it out. Want me to?
But, I left home once, when my sister, the one who is not feeling well, saw just how catatonic I was getting, (after coming back home after breaking up with the ...other woman/mother and being told afterwards, "I have added 15 years to your life", and then later, "October 13", which day is the day I got this herpes attack;- I mean, the scars are on my back, just little spots, under my left shoulder blade, but at that time it was like... a whole belt, and good thing I was NOT at home) and organised with this uncle of mine for me to go to the capital to... organise... my papers.
(Which I had burned, from birth certificate onwards, because i was in conflict, I KNEW, and I KNOW my mother wants me dead, but she expected me to make it in life and support her, and I could never over-ride the first instinct, which may be why, in part I got rid of those other papers the moment I crossed the border, and wanted a new name, just so that I could be someone different, and be someone else that did not have to hear the ring of doom anytime anyone called me by the name my mother gave me)
i was a different person when I got back, because the same sister-funny that, it is always HER that seems to pull me towards home- was arrested for swindling people looking for farms by asking for bribes upfront.
I had to pay the bail, my father borrowed money from someone and then was on and on about me making sure as soon as possible i paid it back, so I went back.
i was fit, healthy, had shrugged off the herpes attack like nothing, and was walking with my head high.
then I got home, and I remember a friend of mine noticing the difference and asking me why I came back at all, when I was having a life elsewhere.
it was and is, like an irresistible tug, like the nearest thing, the ONLY thing I am addicted to, this 'command' of my mother to go on auto-self destruct.
And right now, just thinking about it is making me think, maybe I should just skip the trip home and just go to the US.
maybe it is time my sister grew up, and faced her own life, and stopped tugging at my heartstrings.
Maybe the Lord Of The Earth really Does have limits!
I have to leave her and wean myself off of her.
i will NOT allow her to die, but at the same time I do not have to be THERE for her to be healed.
this I-will-suffer-with-you mode I had developed serves none of us any purpose, and well, while my deathwish is a very strong tug where I am concerned, nothing makes me come UNDONE more than the mere sight of my mother, and I remember the decision I made to leave home was based on the fact that i had come close to killing her myself, out of frustration, and that was when I decided to grasp the "I have prepared a place for you, says the president of turkey" statement I had heard just as I got home, and went flat like a punctured tyre.
Woman, I am NOT a child. I know that my lackadaisical approach to life makes me seem like such to you, but I promise you, it is not even the one who keeps me alive who runs my life here. I go where I want to go, do as I see fit, and all he does is keep me alive, because I do not have my hands on the steering wheel of life. I am the ONE person that can not forget things, takes things from the beginning and proceeds with them to the conclusion. I am the ONE creature that is LIKE God and thus have fully autonomous powers to ACT in dominion over everything, and anywhere, because THAT was the condition God gave for dominion, "Let Us make man out of Our own image, and in Our own likeness, and let THEM have dominion over ... all the earth". Unfortunately, the man was doomed from the start because the holy spirit, who was NOT included, decided to go INTO the man, and thus began directing the whole scenario from the outset, and man was made to be like an animal, who must have a 'mate'.
You are NOT necessary to ME, because I am complete as I am. I do not NEED you. I rule without you. You are NOT my helper, so, if you think that I will make terms easier for you, well, how about testing me and letting us find out. I am about to get fed up with game playing, and I will make my way to kalk bay, and is what I find there is NOT to my liking, I promise you that nothing that you call your own, not you, not your dogs, not your family, not your race, not anyone that even LOOKS like you, or shares any traits with you, will live for a second after I get there. Then you will see just how much I can 'practise what I preach'. Wanna go for that, fool!
Fuck you!
you think its alright
keep playing with that role
then you gon' know the night
you laying in that hole!Dont fuck with me, you little piece of shit!
Or by hell, I will make what remians of your existence the most miserable time on this planet, I SWEAR it to you, and then you will see just how venegful this "little boy" can be, you stupid little cunt!
I have had enough of you modelling in front of mne like it is you that is necessary to get me of the groun. Fuck do you get off your silly self-deception? Where the fuck were you all the days of my life? Are you bthe reason I amstill alive now? Can you make the weather resonate with your mood? AmI some cheap magician or a monkey that must perform tricks to amuse you. Fuck do you get off adding delusion to your already numerous things you have done to me already. dont you get the fact that the ONLY thing between you and instant death for ME is... NOTHING? Fuck doyou think you are you small little cunt!
fuck, you should be kissing MY ass you small little piece fo shit, so that I can be merciful to you, not making me feellike a foolbecause you think something is going to appear out of thin air and save you! Fine, if you thinkthis has to be about God, then invite Him to save you, because I am coming for you,and we wlill see who will save who? Do that stunt with mike again, and see if anything can spare you from me. FUCK you!
Wanna test me? And assume that if I love you I am beholden to you? Well, lets try it out. Want me to?
