Of course I have been doing something wrong, and last night, hopeless, low, depressed, and at my wits' end, I finally ... opened... my heart, to God, candidly, and, well, said,something like, "Abba, Father, because of the... nature, of Your involvement wth me, I can not ... ask of You... anything, since I can not recognise Your rule over me, BUT, I am not stupid either, and I fully realise that You mean me well. I love this woman, more than I can ever say. Have I done everything possible to win her over? If not, what is still lacking, because I have ... NO idea what to do, and nothing, no one means anything to me,as she does". I was hedging my bets;- God will never let me blunder on pursuing a lie. If she is not FREE, He would find a way of letting me know, if she IS then I would know what I needed to do to get her,see? So, I just, waited. And woke up, came down with obert, and split as I went to the container, and then to vinnie's, while obert told me he was going to shower. Me and vinnie decided to go swimming, though BOTH of us had misgivings about the time, him saying that we should have gone earlier while I wanting time to work out my frustrations, thought that the bright sun WOULD attract many swimmers, and,despite the ... relatively ... late hour, there would be a crowd. But I was not prepared for the hoarde that greeted my eyes as I came after vinnie in my underwear, clutching my clothes to myself. Many people, all of them gathered right where they normally do NOT sit, which is near the ...underground exit. The little ma, andsome people that vinnie told me were in some committee, with one being the chairwoman,and they were all frosty to vinnie, who, unlike me, had his swimwear on him and had no need to go change, and so had gone ahead. The reason:- obert. He was back to his antics and was busy washing himself, soap and all, because in his twisted mind it was Ok for him to parade himself and behave like he had no one who... cared ... how he behaved. So I got angry, told him, at first, nicely that there was a perfectly good place to wash, so why not use that, and well, I am easily... pissed off, so iended up slapping him, and then, came back to my senses, because vinnie had departed, wnd I tend to easily unwind when he is not there, and... anyway, I did not even enter the water, so I did not get my fix of... sedative. I walked back ashamed, and jumped at the chance to go to woodstock and then cape town so we could see where this ginormous tree-ah itis to be ONLY 2m high- would be placed in this five star hotel. As we walked to tge station- I ended up showering at vinnie's sometging I am uncomfortable with... maybe a Zim thing- obert ran from behind with a knife. Intent on stabbing me. I kicked him, he backed off, threw the knife at me, I blocked it with my arm, and then, again, realised I was making an exhibit of myself, and instead ofchasinghim and beating him black and blue, I walked into the station, and got on the train, and we did our business. Vinnie forgot his bag at the scrap yard in maitland, we only discovered it in cape town, so he went back, and I came alone, and was pleased, depressed that the ... car.... was where I had left it. What if she was not even upstairs, or was laughing her head off at my .... silliness. But she did not. Yesterday as she turned the corner to go to the bakery, some guy with a goat beard- must be fashionable somewhere, I guess- greeted her. She smiled, seemed about to say something, but did not. Seems she WAS taking me... seriously. Ok, THAT guy is dead, of course, but, well, when I came to the market closing time, sick at heart, I knew that i did not want to share her with anyone. There coukd never be someone else I would open my heart to, no one else I would want to take up any of my time... . Meaning that i... find that she ALONE would be more than enough for me. I do not want anyone else in my life. Fuck, God never said anything about twent five women. Come on, lets get to the bottom of this. Aside fromthe fact that its MY heart, and "moyo muti unomera paunoda", I seem to recall the statement "those who dwelt in darkness" with the silver spoon, yes? Ok, ADMIT that that was not gender specific, and so should not be taken as proof of God's intent for me to have many women. 2) I am a very intensely private person, and not very trusting, and the reason why I gave fallen so hard for ms apple is, to quote the song, "she nuh let go, no matter how far me go" . All these other women, as soon as I turned away my gaze from them, carried on with their lives, but she, well, I remember signing off at the fish hoek library with the statement, "I want to see who wants to have me as a mule for her child" and I delayed, over a matter if some clothes, and she followed me into fish hoek, which us why I ... suspect that she DOES have a child. My... policy on that does not alter, of course. The child dies, the father dies, every former boyfriend dies, and I STILL want to know if I matter to her by her choosing me for herself, on my terms, because I can not bear any burden. As fior the fifteen seconds, well, God DID add 15 years to my life, to, in effect, get out of here, this planet, so... duh? .
