I wonder, if I ...retracted ... some of the things I wrote yesterday, if she would... forgive me. I am so ... sore... I can not even function anymore. And I, my mother's son, ought to have known better, with the evidence right there. Fuck, I even ... wrote ... it, but, then, I am such... an idiot, sometimes.Last night, I was ready to kill someone I love because I have had no hope, my mind short-circuited, and I wanted the torment to just end. I got off the train, met vinnie's wife on her way to a part-time after-hours job, who told me vinnie was at home, and, since it was pouring, I decided to go sit out the rain at his place, since I assumed it would cease soon, and I could go up the mountain to sleep, and not bother coming down. Yeah, right. I am... suspecting... that in this case, God is sabotaging my plans, and I ... MUST... say I kinda like it. This is one situation I do not want to be in control of, no thank you. I mean, Ok, I WILL kill the menfolk in her ... past, no two ways about it, but heck, how could I sleep and hold her in my arms when she is mourning her child, whose only fault is being born, to someone I happen to... have fallen ... so badly over? Fuck, it would be like killing myself, in a way, so OK, as I finally admitted as I sat and watched her ...own... mother's? attempts to keep intervene, and almost... wept as I as I 'saw' what my own rage had almost done, I ...covered my eyes, begged God to step in, and promised I would not kill her... child. But, neither would I be involved in anything to do WITH the child, nor will I allow her to be involved with the child, that is for whoever she leaves the child to. Do not... test... my patience in this, woman. Just do not go down that road. I am still smarting too much from the sting of your actions, do not give me a reason to vent my fury on you, not again, OK? But, that is about as... merciful... as I intend to be. Every other person, their cats, dogs, litters and such stuff, ah, fuck I care nothing what you think of me, and couldn't care less if you are all exterminated, so, unless I say so, you ... die, which means I will still leave less than five hundred people alive on the whole planet, and none in any other place but south africa and zimbabwe, and only then if these people are either those I approve of or are approved by the only person i actually pay attention to... Ok, make that TWO people, but the woman is still suspect, because she delights in making a fool of me, and if I had neither gone swimming with vinnie nor afterwards gone to men's fellowship with him, where someone raised an important issue that showed even stubborn me had to... compromise... for harmony, then I doubt that I would be thinking fond thoughts right now. So, I hope, for her sake, she does not try to parade her workmates and all those she angered me with and expect me to give them lives, the snakes, because from where I stand, SHE has no leverage to even so much as... remind... me, of such matters, unless, of course, she chooses those that are "hers" over me. Only one way to... find out, yes? Yessssssss!!! Now, wonder if she agrees with my post title that I am an... idiot. Probably, she does.
