no exceptions.
So, after being shown her backside... again... by the woman, I have decided that i have pride, and am turning away from her, and from people. I have a place of my own, and I intend to take it, yesss!
Even if it hurts me to do so.
I mean, I can not force a person to come into my life, and will never do that, so, if someone watches your movements, decides that when you are in the vicinity she can not get a cup of coffee but must run in and out, and i get to see just her behind, then to me said person is implying i am barking up the wrong tree. That is it. So, I take a bow, and go offstage.
i am, after all, capable of doing so MUCH, and it is all just... crackling, see?
Fingertip type of thing.
this morning, for example, tony was shooting his mouth of, about some mealies that he planted in this tree-bed, and which abisha, mistaking them for weeds, uprooted yesterday, and tried to replace but could not find seeds. So we sat there, me vinnie and a guy called edward, and as we listened to him speak about - again- chasing everyone away , and asking if there was written on his forehead 'P.O.E.S' - I was very tempted to say 'yes'- i felt a complete ... darkening of my mood. Real, dark. I mean, DARK. And I tried to quell it, and went away, to the toilets across the street, and instead of relief at the change of location, I was confronted with the thought of HER in that office, and I felt torment like a hot brand in my chest. And came back, changed sitting position, and the darkness carried on gathering. Ok, I may be reading too much into this, but at the same moment, the sky darkened, and drops of rain began to fall. But at the same moment, two women came up to buy stuff, and as i talked to them, i forgot a bit my unhappiness, and when i looked again, the sky was calm.
of course, i am a writer of tales, and this shit does not happen, right?. I mean, its practically impossible for anyone to be telepathically linked to... the weather... or some such stuff, right? it just does NOT happen.
Well, Good. I hope it keeps on NOT happening, because i am so tired of being on the spit.
nothing means anything to me anymore, not even the music. I came expressly to soak my head in loud music, but even as i sit here, wondering what type of music to listen to as i compose my post, I feel such a total detachment from it all- kinda like a drunk person - aware that my fingers are moving, but having given myself over totally to... despair..., i guess. I do not even feel like curbing anything anymore, and i am really, really in what amounts to the eye of a hurricane here;- which reminds me of this woman's song, because i am wondering if anything good will ever happen to me. I suppose, judging from the way then gallery woman was showing up and being visible, there was an attempt at some kind of damage control, but the point which no one seems to get IS, whether you all LIKE it, or not, whether you hope for other things or not, I am going to do as I see fit, and, since I am in this against my will, it will be that which requires minimum effort from me for it to happen, ...sooo... that means things get done MY way, with NO concessions from me, or, if you can not handle that, you... die. Simple. I do not know if that can be made any clearer than that, but i will not try.
maybe the woman, dressed in her hideous black tights -she looks better for me without those ridiculous high heeled shoes also- thought the mere sight of her would convince me to... change. Oh my word, then it means everything i have said has not even permeated her ... whatever she uses for a skull... because she, if I am generous, supposes that I ... maybe... am going to backtrack and reconsider.
fuck, it IS best to just walk away from her.
I was about to write to God to ask Him to stop trying to keep me glued to this woman, but hell, I DO love her. I was thinking about it last night, and i found that, in a few days, there has been such a radical change in me that I can not even THINK of even holding another woman in my arms, and so, while I have always considered myself a full-blooded male, i have no thoughts of being ... with... some other woman, no matter how... easy... she may be, because I can not lie to myself anymore. I suppose it is either her or nothing at all.
yep, it is that serious. And I am not ... keen... on being a golfer here? I mean, what the fuck?
but love is never forced. I could recount adages that suit the occasion, like 'if you want something, let it go, if it is yours it will come back to you, if not, then it was never yours', but the thing is, I suppose I am cheating a bit, from the point of view of the woman, because she either thinks i KNOW what she is thinking -like, there is NO way I can KNOW that she has a child, or the relationship with... that asshole (funny thing there happened last night. but I will get to it. i made the mistake of paying for two hours when i have so little to say, but when one weighs things up, just where the fuck do i have to rush to?)- and I am testing her, when, you see, I am NOT God. I am a practical person that is having to rely on GOD to stop me from giving up totally, because all my labour is in vain, and the woman does not listen to anything I say, but somehow twists everything with her own self conceit and her belief that God is on her side, and so will fight for her or some such things.
Ah, well, i could speak till my lips crack, or type till my fingers are raw, but the fact of the matter is, was and REMAINS just this;- I am looking at a life where i am doing something at no benefit to myself, like ... this shit will be heavy on me, if one thinks that God comes into my life, makes me THIS thing that I am, and then when i figure out just how unhappy my whole life WILL be, He still will keep His hand heavy on me? No, His purpose, I take it, was a bit like this: OK so I am born, and before my mother tries to kill me, He decides, maybe at my naming, since that would tally with the 'present your firstborn to Me' statement, that if, as my name "tungamirai" implies, He must be the One that leads me, He takes my mother's rejection of having me as my father's son seriously and so decides that i will be under His wing. Now, this was ... prophecised, but... the POINT is that this was the... INDEPENDENT act of a person that had her own agenda. Every time that anyone tries to do something because God 'said' it will be, the person is not being honest. NO. Everything to do with God is... natural... and happens without all that hype and glamour that surrounded the things to do with christ, who, just to throw a spanner in the works, said, in the jonah promise, " a wicked and adulterous generation seeks after a sign, but none will be given to it, except the sign of jonah", and yet there he was, doing 'signs' galore. Now, fuck is that? raising the dead, healing the sick, changing water into wine, et.c. . that is sign enough that God was not involved, because people grasp God's things... physically, often without the mention of God in the issue. it is NATURAL, as i discovered when my own natural tendencies started manifesting themselves as I hunted twenty-five women, remember?
And i grasped what God was doing. Now, the point is, these people have grasped the God angle, and so, assume that God is fighting for them. Ah, wake up, fools, God is not a fan of women, and just to give you a wake up call; when i am DONE, sex, pro-creation, will NOT be on anyone's agenda, because I know that THAT was never on God's agenda. Of course He said stuff, but STOP looking at what God SAID, and focus on the whole issue, and then see the ... thread... fools. Oh, shit, this seems like a waste of time, but I have no rush, right? I mean, to what?
Right, I am thinking I need to keep my focus on this woman. She does not show what is in her heart because to her, it is plain to see that God will do what she wants, right? now, imagine this, you silly fool. Let us... suppose... the impossible happens, and God fights for you. then you are in my vicinity, maybe loading me with your child, and this is in MY personal space, and I am a person that reacts first before he thinks, and you are walking around with me, thinking, "whatever happens, God will keep him in line", and so, I get psycho becaause i see the kid's father in the kid and I lash out at you, and kill you with a single blow, and then what? will you still SAY, "God is for me". Fuck, you are safe NOW because you are never in MY proximity, i do not have to put up with you 24/7, because if you DID show up with your attitude about God... correcting me... as if HE is the final authority on anything to do with me, then i advise you to stay away. your death on my hands will not be something i look forward to. Every time you rely on God, you overlook me, and I am the one that you should fear. Forget God, because He promised THIS "... the government will be upon his shoulder, and of the INCREASE of his government there will be NO end", so that means, when it comes to complete authority, and i am discovering that literally as well, then I am IT. NOT God. Now, accept that , or discard it, but remember this ONE thing, I have a limit to my patience, and so far, frankly, you have pissed me off. And you have made me angry, with all these ...games. And there will be a reckoning. when I get to the bottom of this, because my number One rule is, "no one tells me what to do", and you are, basically, doing exactly THAT> There will be a price to pay there. Count on it. Maybe, since I do not know the outcome of things, you are not even ... mine. So, I will find out what keeps you from doing what i see as obvious, and what i said is the only way, as far as i see, and when i do, well, we shall then have an end to all this pretense, yes?
YESSSS!
fuck, I have decided that I will kill your child anyway. I will not have any such witnesses, noooo! nothing like that. I have decided. now, let YOUR God dispute that, and we shall see, yes?
Fuck that, I am the α and ω and there is NO way i will let any silly person try to dictate terms to me, in ANY case. This is your call, woman. I love you, of course, but your bullshitting me is something I will NEVER, ever tolerate, no. I am even prepared to lose you and retain MY pride, because i will NOT be put in a jail by a blind, stupid person who refuses to see what is before her very eyes. Come on, then, I have thrown down the gauntlet. Now you are free to show me without fear of being laughed at, just how much of an ...idiot... you really think me.
make my day!
I am geared for war, anytime, anyday!
the Champ is HERE! Which means, fools, it is time for WAR!
War, yeah, what is it good for?
absolutely nothing, yeah!
Oh, yessss!
yessss!
I will incinerate you and use your bodies for scrap metal, yessssss!
Show me what is ... worth... it to you... woman, because you have angered me with your ... links. You have the prime choice of ... sacrificing... your life for your people, who will die anyway, OR, you come out in the open, stop playing games with me, and stop making me a fool. I am, as i stand here, a fool, because of you. i have been laughed at because of you, your friends have stared at me like some trophy piece, and taken turns to see who does or does not piss me off. I am ... starting to... think... which is not good... that every one of you is making a fool of me. And I am tired of thinking, yessss!
