I am, of course, waiting for the train to come, my mind is made up about the death and destruction of this chick and all that know her and all that, and because i am getting a 'heaviness' when I try to... think, I take a book, The Forgotten -whose owners must be pissed off at me for not returning it yet- and I start reading it from where i left off, which is when the guy finds his aunt's neighbour dead by drowning, and there is a comment there that gets the gears in my overloaded mind spinning, something to the effect that the human body will resist being forced underwater, and, well, I sort of just take note of it, and then, I am on the train, asking myself just WHAT I know about myself, and my ... capabilities... and I list it up;- I can not die, because I TRIED, and failed, repeatedly, and I have this embarrassing penchant of being ... heavy... in water. if I even stop trying to swim, I sink like a stone. I can not float. And I never seem to ... try... to not sink, that is.
And that was when it clicked, why I am seemingly barking up the wrong tree, as probably everyone thinks, including myself, at this moment. I hate God at times. Well, NO, not really.
this is the deal. from the moment I was born, the first... sense or cognitive part of mine that developed was the ability to ... read... people. from my mother. She did not want me. it showed in every one of her acts, and what seems to have been the... problem was that I... accepted that. What I remember clearly is bawling my lungs out in anger after coming OUT of the water, but what I had blanked out all this time was the fact that when she immersed me under water, I looked up to her, and never tried to fight it. And she held me under for a long time. i should have died. But this is where God showed the freakishness He had invested in me when I was handed over to Him, to spite my father. I did not drown. must have freaked her out, that.
And MY anger was because I did NOT understand why I was not allowed to give my mother what she wanted, since she had decided I was not fit to live. It was, is, that anger that, well, will destroy the world as you know it.
BUT, that is not the point. The point is the ability to read people is so deeply ingrained in me that I can not get over being ... deceived... by someone, or sent wrong signals. It literally makes me go mad, because the webs woven there are so tangled make no sense whatsoever, and it makes me go crazy when sent an incomplete ... picture. Or a picture which is full of extra bits that do not fit in, that should not evenb be there. like this chick pretending to be pissed off at me because i said she would lose her child, like she ... even... wants... the kid, to begin with.
This is what everyone should know and understand about me. I am unable to force anyone to do what the person does not want, because, one, I really do not care much about life, because, as they say, the first cut is the deepest, and ven now, my prime motive is to... die... which is the ONE thing God overrides, because, as He said, "I have claimed you for Myself". For the rest, I am pretty much free to do as I please, except in instances which may lead me to end up wanting myself... dead. As is the case in the matter of this chick, because what I read about her and the ... life... she wants to project, are two totally different things, which is what drives me rather angry, because i hate someone assuming that what I 'see' is not there when i KNOW it is. If it was not, then she would have gone over the line long ago, and shown herself with a guy. But even when she wants to piss me off, she can not lie that much, which is WHY those guy she tries to pretend with WILL die, all of them, and at the moment, I am thinking of killing her as well, because it hurts to be made a fool of by a person with an IQ I could wipe the floor with. I mean, WTF?
It really rankles that rubbish like mike can think they will have something to hold me down with because this silly fool keeps on trying to play games with me, and shakes and shivers in her silly high heels whenever i am so pissed off I want out.
fuck, I hate the cat-and-mouse bullshit. I am NOT amused.
And I was ready to tell God that all this bullshit He had me on was silly muck. I was stating to myself what I have PROVED to be true, like the 7-3 vision, which is NOT yet proved, because I have not gotten to the part where this attractive woman with her head just up to my shoulders- and I can not SAY whether SHE is that short- with black hair looks back and 'sees' the hithertoe invisible person that says "by your powers combined I am... FIND theeeem!" and points to his left, where said woman turns in shock, and looks in shocked horror at the green levitating guy with a head that, like mine, has a ... cleft... in the centre, from my mother's thoughtful destruct-testing.
because, of course, none of this impresses anyone. these are just made up stories i am coming up with, right? Like, of course, no sane woman would leave her child, and want to be with the murderer of her child, and her child's WHOLE paternal line, with spouses and significant others and all their family line ad nauseum, right? because even if one is God, or God-by-proxy, then one is still NOT going to be accepted, right? because of course, the question is, WHO the fuck do I think I am to do as I please in others' lives? Like, what gives me the ... right... to be judge, jury, and executioner?
hmm, maybe the fact that I can not stand to live a lie, that everything HAS to be 100% perfect, with no hidden fine print, or any hard-to-swallow bits thrown in and masked by love. the fact that I see everthing as it is, and can not stand a lie.
Fuck, I remember THIS bit, when i 'repented' and asked christ into my life. It was an... event... in the neighbourhood. Ok, I am not -I think- a person to make waves;- OK, discard that, but at least, i never tried to... OK, I was never one to pay attention to people, but well, after I got 'saved' this guy gave me a cassette tape which had what amounted, then, to the best reason why christ could be called God's son. And while i admit it took less than two hearings to figure put the flaws in it, there was, at that time, a growing awareness that the REAL God could not be this... confused... but then He decided to use bits of that tape to make His point, and I had to ... think... things through. It is just occurring to me now what He meant.
because... eh, maybe i wrote THIS before... I got, when I first decided I would take my sister's path and die as she was likely to, I ended up getting tested, came up positive, and then, feeling totally lost, like God had let me down, He was supposed to ... prevent... this catastrophe why was He in my life anyway... I went to a church, not to ask for healing, but to find... meaning... if anyone can believe that. God was not slow to respond, because I got a vision with what is probably the most beautiful writing I have ever seen
And that was when it clicked, why I am seemingly barking up the wrong tree, as probably everyone thinks, including myself, at this moment. I hate God at times. Well, NO, not really.
this is the deal. from the moment I was born, the first... sense or cognitive part of mine that developed was the ability to ... read... people. from my mother. She did not want me. it showed in every one of her acts, and what seems to have been the... problem was that I... accepted that. What I remember clearly is bawling my lungs out in anger after coming OUT of the water, but what I had blanked out all this time was the fact that when she immersed me under water, I looked up to her, and never tried to fight it. And she held me under for a long time. i should have died. But this is where God showed the freakishness He had invested in me when I was handed over to Him, to spite my father. I did not drown. must have freaked her out, that.
And MY anger was because I did NOT understand why I was not allowed to give my mother what she wanted, since she had decided I was not fit to live. It was, is, that anger that, well, will destroy the world as you know it.
BUT, that is not the point. The point is the ability to read people is so deeply ingrained in me that I can not get over being ... deceived... by someone, or sent wrong signals. It literally makes me go mad, because the webs woven there are so tangled make no sense whatsoever, and it makes me go crazy when sent an incomplete ... picture. Or a picture which is full of extra bits that do not fit in, that should not evenb be there. like this chick pretending to be pissed off at me because i said she would lose her child, like she ... even... wants... the kid, to begin with.
This is what everyone should know and understand about me. I am unable to force anyone to do what the person does not want, because, one, I really do not care much about life, because, as they say, the first cut is the deepest, and ven now, my prime motive is to... die... which is the ONE thing God overrides, because, as He said, "I have claimed you for Myself". For the rest, I am pretty much free to do as I please, except in instances which may lead me to end up wanting myself... dead. As is the case in the matter of this chick, because what I read about her and the ... life... she wants to project, are two totally different things, which is what drives me rather angry, because i hate someone assuming that what I 'see' is not there when i KNOW it is. If it was not, then she would have gone over the line long ago, and shown herself with a guy. But even when she wants to piss me off, she can not lie that much, which is WHY those guy she tries to pretend with WILL die, all of them, and at the moment, I am thinking of killing her as well, because it hurts to be made a fool of by a person with an IQ I could wipe the floor with. I mean, WTF?
fuck, I hate the cat-and-mouse bullshit. I am NOT amused.
And I was ready to tell God that all this bullshit He had me on was silly muck. I was stating to myself what I have PROVED to be true, like the 7-3 vision, which is NOT yet proved, because I have not gotten to the part where this attractive woman with her head just up to my shoulders- and I can not SAY whether SHE is that short- with black hair looks back and 'sees' the hithertoe invisible person that says "by your powers combined I am... FIND theeeem!" and points to his left, where said woman turns in shock, and looks in shocked horror at the green levitating guy with a head that, like mine, has a ... cleft... in the centre, from my mother's thoughtful destruct-testing.
because, of course, none of this impresses anyone. these are just made up stories i am coming up with, right? Like, of course, no sane woman would leave her child, and want to be with the murderer of her child, and her child's WHOLE paternal line, with spouses and significant others and all their family line ad nauseum, right? because even if one is God, or God-by-proxy, then one is still NOT going to be accepted, right? because of course, the question is, WHO the fuck do I think I am to do as I please in others' lives? Like, what gives me the ... right... to be judge, jury, and executioner?
hmm, maybe the fact that I can not stand to live a lie, that everything HAS to be 100% perfect, with no hidden fine print, or any hard-to-swallow bits thrown in and masked by love. the fact that I see everthing as it is, and can not stand a lie.
Fuck, I remember THIS bit, when i 'repented' and asked christ into my life. It was an... event... in the neighbourhood. Ok, I am not -I think- a person to make waves;- OK, discard that, but at least, i never tried to... OK, I was never one to pay attention to people, but well, after I got 'saved' this guy gave me a cassette tape which had what amounted, then, to the best reason why christ could be called God's son. And while i admit it took less than two hearings to figure put the flaws in it, there was, at that time, a growing awareness that the REAL God could not be this... confused... but then He decided to use bits of that tape to make His point, and I had to ... think... things through. It is just occurring to me now what He meant.
he who loves purity of heart, for his gracious speech, the King shall be his friend
blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God
Maybe this ... bit... sort of... explains things, though I doubt that anyone is likely to take any of this seriously, but then, I am NOT interested in anyone else, just, one person.
And I do not know what you want me to say to have you stop your foolishness and come out, come to me. NOthing I have said can be proved, nothing can even be taken seriously, but, well, I, despite the anger you have caused me, despite the rage i feel when i see all my effort 'wasted' on you, because I reap nothing out of it, and at best I get you shoving your ass in my face, at worst, i get to see you with ... flowers... and talking to some guy, pointedly to piss me off, because I, who holds the breath of everyone in my hands, am not doing as you think I should, in your little ...pinprick... of a mind;- despite that, I can not imagine a life where you are not included. BUT, I tire of having this humiliation shoved in my face. I really do. Many times God has been pushing the issue aside and revealing things to me that may be the reason why you are not by my side, but, well, THIS time, there is no more room to hide, no more room for you to navigate. I said, once, that every time you pissed me off, i would exact revenge, and now, you have humiliated me in front of your workmates, for the last time. My prefered method of dealing with you would have been to kill you, but I can not bring myself to do that, as yet. So, ALL those who witnessed THIS stunt you pulled today, are dead. EVERY single person. I ... may... spare the gallery woman, who probably is your mother, from what I see of her actions, because she seemed to go out of her way to keep me from anger, and the zim lady, but everyone else, past and present who has ventured into the gallery and given me those looks, without exception, without regard of who it is, DIES. Next time, it may be you.
I hope you try me again, because as far as I am concerned, you have gone way over the limit. And I never allow anyone to do as they please with me.
What apparently can not get through this silly woman's head, as far as i am concerned, is that there is NO one to appeal to, that I am ALL the authority needed to condemn people and sentence them or, as in the cases of my two uncles, bring them to life. I do not even NEED to be fair, because NO ONE is fair. I am biased towards MY own ends, and if that does not include you, well, tough. You die. no skin off my nose.
I never meant to see you again
but I only passed by as a friend
all this time I stayed out of sight
I started to ask myself why
but now, I wish it would rain down
down on me
So I could cover my eyes
from the blinding rays
of your maddening ways...
How I wish...
i wish it would rain down
down on me now
yeah
The DOOR slams!
i am not interested in staying for rubbish
Yah man
judgement yard Are say it
haile Sellassie are the Almighty
Babylon nuh come any further dem
Well me are go boss it
pollution and illusion
are sail out
For me go so one
remember this is elephant man...
This nigga nuh play number two..
Listen where me say
man a rasta man
man are warrior
brand new thing fir the new millenium...
blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God
Now, the fact that I could not settle for a lie, meant that God decided He would be a friend, that He would take MY part and see that what I saw, if wrong, I could change so that no more of the lie remained. Which basically means, I have literal carte-blanche to do as i see fit. Unfortunately for you, people.
And I can not die. And I have ... technically every conceivable weapon at my disposal that you can NOT counter.
And I can not die.
He guards my bones, so that none of them are broken, even if I try. He weeps with me, mourns at what I mourn, and gives me the power to do as I see fit to change what I see fit.
And nothing can stand in my way.
I can not die.
but all of you can.
most will
And not only die, but be ... sent... by me, personally... to hell. To burn, forever, in flames hotter than you can imagine. And most of you will KNOW, from this moment, that you WILL go to hell, and nothing can change that. Because I SAY so. NO democracy about it. No negotiation. No second chances. My word, my power, my law. No appeal.
And nothing can or will save you. All the power is in my hands. ALL of it. And well, the end of my three years of idleness is... here. Now come the seven years where i become... fully empowered. And no longer just erratically or unknowingly capable of causing destruction, but doing so in a focused way. in total control. because the thing that was latent has been begging to come out, and even I can not ignore that i am more than just human. that i have something seriously enmeshed in my DNA that makes me not only unique, but also unstoppable. I AM the AlMighty. the God of WAR
And I can not die.
He guards my bones, so that none of them are broken, even if I try. He weeps with me, mourns at what I mourn, and gives me the power to do as I see fit to change what I see fit.
And nothing can stand in my way.
I can not die.
but all of you can.
most will
And not only die, but be ... sent... by me, personally... to hell. To burn, forever, in flames hotter than you can imagine. And most of you will KNOW, from this moment, that you WILL go to hell, and nothing can change that. Because I SAY so. NO democracy about it. No negotiation. No second chances. My word, my power, my law. No appeal.
And nothing can or will save you. All the power is in my hands. ALL of it. And well, the end of my three years of idleness is... here. Now come the seven years where i become... fully empowered. And no longer just erratically or unknowingly capable of causing destruction, but doing so in a focused way. in total control. because the thing that was latent has been begging to come out, and even I can not ignore that i am more than just human. that i have something seriously enmeshed in my DNA that makes me not only unique, but also unstoppable. I AM the AlMighty. the God of WAR
Maybe this ... bit... sort of... explains things, though I doubt that anyone is likely to take any of this seriously, but then, I am NOT interested in anyone else, just, one person. I hope you try me again, because as far as I am concerned, you have gone way over the limit. And I never allow anyone to do as they please with me.
What apparently can not get through this silly woman's head, as far as i am concerned, is that there is NO one to appeal to, that I am ALL the authority needed to condemn people and sentence them or, as in the cases of my two uncles, bring them to life. I do not even NEED to be fair, because NO ONE is fair. I am biased towards MY own ends, and if that does not include you, well, tough. You die. no skin off my nose.
I never meant to see you again
but I only passed by as a friend
all this time I stayed out of sight
I started to ask myself why
but now, I wish it would rain down
down on me
So I could cover my eyes
from the blinding rays
of your maddening ways...
How I wish...
i wish it would rain down
down on me now
yeah
The DOOR slams!
i am not interested in staying for rubbish
Yah man
judgement yard Are say it
haile Sellassie are the Almighty
Babylon nuh come any further dem
Well me are go boss it
pollution and illusion
are sail out
For me go so one
remember this is elephant man...
This nigga nuh play number two..
Listen where me say
man a rasta man
man are warrior
brand new thing fir the new millenium...
