Ihate this part, but then, the ONLY way for me to forge ahead at times when I am up to my neck in it and unable to get ahead is by using the most sophisticated grey matter on the planet, something I do as a last resort, being, as must be apparent to anyone by now, existing primarily against my will. I call this Ω , the last line of defense, for when I have my back against the wall and God has closed an escape door in my face, and I have to... THINK ;-I suppose the reason most people look down on me is i am existing beneath even survival mode, and maybe act like, or behave like, a little child, because I really do not give a fuck about anything, and hate even lifting my finger to do anything I do not have tom and as such, I take the line, for me, of least resistance, and that is, 'destroy' everything, and to hell with everything.
but, just as at birth God made THAT route mostly impossible, so now, when i would have happily just walked away and left everyone to die, woman I had spoken to not only comes late to work, but then tells me the house she had wanted to move into had been taken, and she had no recourse but not to move for a while. I KNEW that nothing would ever be that easy for me, and so, I was left with no choice but to figure out things, like I had to unravel the holy spirit thing, and God's own ... peculiar... take on MY life. So, now, I have to figure out ... people, and make MY own decisions.
BAD news for people, because i hate being forced to... think... and that means when I get to the conclusion, I will be doing so with a vengeance, yessss!
I am the Imperator, and I am MAD, already, at people, and now, i have to face them, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
So, this morning, I was thinking about the contemporary art chick and her behaviour. Now, they say blondes are stupid, but I am sure that is not the case in this case. She tends to get her priorities mixed up, letting her desire for control over-ride the unassailable fact that i REALLY am angry and tolerate NO ONE taking the least bit of advantage of mem and so, her desire to have me roped into what she thinks is the way I should go blinds her to the fact that those around her she has used- and herself as well, possibly- to make her point, or whatever, are DEAD, because I SWORE to kill people, and they are dead walking even now, though i may exchange words with them and even smile. I am angry to be here, and I hate it all, and contrary to your expectations, I REALLY do not care about what happens to anyone, and i am not this stupid person who is satisfied with food in his stomach, or is so fatuitously attached to vinnie, because he is a meal ticket or something. I like the guy, and because of the fact that, even though he tries to change me, he has recognised in me the need to be free, and has not stepped over that line, and for that reason, i am myself around him, and because he respects me, i have respect for him, and i take him as he is. faults and all, and for his sake i restrain myself when i would otherwise have destroyed everything a long time ago, because for me the war has been, from the moment He entered my life, with God. of course he, like everyone else, wanted something from me, and i was that horrified to find out that it was the ONE thing i did NOT want to do, and that is live and face my ... problems. and not run away
like now.
there is not, for me, a good ending, because i am marching to a tune that is not mine, and so, everything i do, I do with great reluctance, something that everyone apparently assumes to mean weakness of mind, or some kind of softness. fuck, if I cared what people thought, really, i would hide, but then, I am always in people's faces, and i never back down.
NEVER.
I have never surrendered to God, or conceded anything to Him, i have fought him all the way, because I have nothing to lose, and nothing to gain, whether i stay or leave. All I have is this inexhaustible supply of anger, rage, and maddened fury, like a caged beast that is NEVER free, nor tires of straining against the bonds. fuck you want to know bleakness of focus, then I am it! So, only fools expect sympathy from me, because once anyone steps on my toes, then that person, regardless of how he or she latter realises that she did wrong, is dead. it is immutable. unless the person happens to be one of the few people I may NOT kill, because I owe them something, because they had ... respect for me, not when I was 'something' but rather when i was nothing among people, even to myself.
it is into this category the contemporary art chick seems to fall, with the operative word being 'seems' and for reasons that are not even clear to me right now.
because she has done everything i can think of that makes her deserve to die, and yet for a long time when I have come to THIS point, I have been unable to follow through. She is probably the ONE person that i am 99% convinced I would really regret killing, and that to me is puzzling, because... well, OK, I have had her drive after me, found her confusing at times, been angry with her and even i remember the first time she personally came into my attention when i was standing on the other side of the road across from the building she spends most of her time in, and she came out and she was asking this parking guy, who then still had dreadlocks, on the other side of the road, for some other guy but she was smiling that mischievous lop-sided smile of hers like she was playing truant or something and i later figured out that she thought i was funny or something, but still she came out. Maybe she had been trying to get my attention for a long time.
And i was up in the fumes of my rage at God, refusing to accept life or to even be dismayed at my appearance, or my effect on people, because to me one aspect of this was that He had not only refused to let me end my life, but also had made it impossible for me to even thrive in life. Course what I did not accept even then was that I had so totally rejected life that I would never seek to excel in it, which is probably why the ONLY reason i would ever march out would be to destroy things, not to mend them.
as far as I am concerned, there are only the twenty women, and possibly, the contemporary art chick, and no room for anyone else. And when it comes to HER, I really do not know WHY?
And that is making me physically sick, luterally, this NOT knowing. She should, technically, be numbered among the women that soight me out, and made pests of themselves while busy opening their legs to someone else, and I have the visions i spoke of to back that up, and yet, when I tried to put that girdle on her for size, it never seemed to hold up, and yet she also is NOT straight up, prefering to hide behind others when things become too hot for her comfort. i hate that. Big time.
So, after my post earlier this morning, I had to come to the stall because this lady would be coming to get something I had made and she had rejected yesterday at first but promised to come pick up the next day, which is today. so, out in the rain I went, with vinnie, and we waited under the comfort of the walk way past the Blue Bottle, amd it was then I noticed the chick was gone from her parking spot. fuck, the women is irritating because she TRIES so much to second-guess me, refusing to open her eyes to the truth ABOUT me, judging me by the superficial things, and expecting that if she reciprocates superficially I would be impressed or amused. She takes me like a baby that needs to be lulled by toys, and does not take into consideration ONE fact, which i suppose i should just bring out NOW, in case no one ever thought of it;-
Why God would ADD 15 years to my life, not 120, or 49, or 33, or whatever!
Especially considering that I did not ASK for the years, and I sought death, and we never consulted, and God loves the earth, because he calls it His 'footstool'! A place of rest, of letting His guard down!
let us walk through that, shall we?
One, God is jealous of His territory, and sees Himself as the ONLY one fit to be king over the earth, and yet, as things ... appear... He is poised to ... look the other way... and literally hand over control of everything to one who neither fears Him nor respects His... policies.
Why?
Assume, with me, that what I say I am capable of doing I can do, and then ask why the Omnipotent God would therefore do something so totally contrary to His nature. I mean, He promised He would never leave His people, the jews, right? So, they would always have Him as protector, right? but have you not also read , in the prophets, " A voice is heard in Ramah, rachel weeping for her children, for they are NO MORE"?
Not less, but NO MORE. As in they do not exist any more, they are not found at all among the living?
Why would that be, ha!
unless of course one takes it from the ... origins..., like I do, and accepts that this abrahamic covenant was a later concession by God, and not part of His original plan?
That makes it seem therefore that there is something ELSE that has to be sorted out FIRST, and that everything else is the wrong way round, right?
Does that sort of give you an idea of just what... is REALLY going on?
I KNEW this like from the first, because i do not have the blinkers you have on, and the reason I never burned with fire for God is that i really do not care for people as people, I just want to die, and he acknowledges that, which is why He hides the steel in a silken glove. He speaks to me in song and things that are easy for me to swallow, and even when throwing me into the deep pit, He refuses to let me give in, to hopelessness, not because i have hope, but because I can never delude myself into seeing things other than the way they really are, and again, these people that I said will die, will die not because i am trying to fulfill some bible prophecy, but because , well, i would rather die than have even the least thing that makes me seem to serve God, to Whom i am at worst hostile, and at best indifferent. I do as I please, and if that fulfills what God promised, then fuck, who cares. I would rather go MY way, and not consider what someone may think I am doing it for, especially if it concerns that person.
so, fulfilling someone else's purpose is NOT my primary agenda, I make my own way, and stick to it, regardless of who is harmed or helped by it.
for MY reasons.
I would have happily killed my own mother, but then, i had a reason NOT to, which is that it is easier to deal with making her aware of what I know makes her prejudicing me of life a baseless thing, and thus shaming her grinding her face into the dust, and then leaving this fucking planet, having proven beyond even the shadow of a doubt that there is nothing honourable in being a parent, but it is really the worst thing that a man can subject a woman to, and that it is dishonourable to the man to do the same also, because it degrades him. So, I spare my mother, because I will MAKE her see, and at the same time, I bring my friend to earth a bit, so I show HIM where his error lies in about this burden he has taken on of family, so that in the end i do not repay him with death for the better quality life he gave me, and i leave with everyone having ... sight, and no one blind.
And I turn my nose at this world, that you all seem to think is the best place to be, and seek solitude, away from the madding crowd, and free of God's demands, rejecting both Him and this world.
so, basically, my ... thing... is about sex, and all that comes with it. But, unlike you, because i do not care that much, I never develop deep roots into anything. God is NOT well pleased with me, which is why He never had to lie to me, but was disconcertingly blunt and terse. And did not give me a long time to do anything, but enough time to ... reluctantly be what i have to be before i go nurse my open wounds far from the rest of you.
So in closing I have to say to you, weep not for me, but for yourselves, and dread what is about to happen, because i am never blind in what I do, but focused, and, as you shall see, not a weak thing. How does the opening line of the song go?:-
pray for my enemies, dont pray for me....
but, just as at birth God made THAT route mostly impossible, so now, when i would have happily just walked away and left everyone to die, woman I had spoken to not only comes late to work, but then tells me the house she had wanted to move into had been taken, and she had no recourse but not to move for a while. I KNEW that nothing would ever be that easy for me, and so, I was left with no choice but to figure out things, like I had to unravel the holy spirit thing, and God's own ... peculiar... take on MY life. So, now, I have to figure out ... people, and make MY own decisions.
BAD news for people, because i hate being forced to... think... and that means when I get to the conclusion, I will be doing so with a vengeance, yessss!
I am the Imperator, and I am MAD, already, at people, and now, i have to face them, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
like now.
there is not, for me, a good ending, because i am marching to a tune that is not mine, and so, everything i do, I do with great reluctance, something that everyone apparently assumes to mean weakness of mind, or some kind of softness. fuck, if I cared what people thought, really, i would hide, but then, I am always in people's faces, and i never back down.
NEVER.
I have never surrendered to God, or conceded anything to Him, i have fought him all the way, because I have nothing to lose, and nothing to gain, whether i stay or leave. All I have is this inexhaustible supply of anger, rage, and maddened fury, like a caged beast that is NEVER free, nor tires of straining against the bonds. fuck you want to know bleakness of focus, then I am it! So, only fools expect sympathy from me, because once anyone steps on my toes, then that person, regardless of how he or she latter realises that she did wrong, is dead. it is immutable. unless the person happens to be one of the few people I may NOT kill, because I owe them something, because they had ... respect for me, not when I was 'something' but rather when i was nothing among people, even to myself.
it is into this category the contemporary art chick seems to fall, with the operative word being 'seems' and for reasons that are not even clear to me right now.
because she has done everything i can think of that makes her deserve to die, and yet for a long time when I have come to THIS point, I have been unable to follow through. She is probably the ONE person that i am 99% convinced I would really regret killing, and that to me is puzzling, because... well, OK, I have had her drive after me, found her confusing at times, been angry with her and even i remember the first time she personally came into my attention when i was standing on the other side of the road across from the building she spends most of her time in, and she came out and she was asking this parking guy, who then still had dreadlocks, on the other side of the road, for some other guy but she was smiling that mischievous lop-sided smile of hers like she was playing truant or something and i later figured out that she thought i was funny or something, but still she came out. Maybe she had been trying to get my attention for a long time.
And i was up in the fumes of my rage at God, refusing to accept life or to even be dismayed at my appearance, or my effect on people, because to me one aspect of this was that He had not only refused to let me end my life, but also had made it impossible for me to even thrive in life. Course what I did not accept even then was that I had so totally rejected life that I would never seek to excel in it, which is probably why the ONLY reason i would ever march out would be to destroy things, not to mend them.
as far as I am concerned, there are only the twenty women, and possibly, the contemporary art chick, and no room for anyone else. And when it comes to HER, I really do not know WHY?
And that is making me physically sick, luterally, this NOT knowing. She should, technically, be numbered among the women that soight me out, and made pests of themselves while busy opening their legs to someone else, and I have the visions i spoke of to back that up, and yet, when I tried to put that girdle on her for size, it never seemed to hold up, and yet she also is NOT straight up, prefering to hide behind others when things become too hot for her comfort. i hate that. Big time.
So, after my post earlier this morning, I had to come to the stall because this lady would be coming to get something I had made and she had rejected yesterday at first but promised to come pick up the next day, which is today. so, out in the rain I went, with vinnie, and we waited under the comfort of the walk way past the Blue Bottle, amd it was then I noticed the chick was gone from her parking spot. fuck, the women is irritating because she TRIES so much to second-guess me, refusing to open her eyes to the truth ABOUT me, judging me by the superficial things, and expecting that if she reciprocates superficially I would be impressed or amused. She takes me like a baby that needs to be lulled by toys, and does not take into consideration ONE fact, which i suppose i should just bring out NOW, in case no one ever thought of it;-
Why God would ADD 15 years to my life, not 120, or 49, or 33, or whatever!
Especially considering that I did not ASK for the years, and I sought death, and we never consulted, and God loves the earth, because he calls it His 'footstool'! A place of rest, of letting His guard down!
let us walk through that, shall we?
One, God is jealous of His territory, and sees Himself as the ONLY one fit to be king over the earth, and yet, as things ... appear... He is poised to ... look the other way... and literally hand over control of everything to one who neither fears Him nor respects His... policies.
Why?
Assume, with me, that what I say I am capable of doing I can do, and then ask why the Omnipotent God would therefore do something so totally contrary to His nature. I mean, He promised He would never leave His people, the jews, right? So, they would always have Him as protector, right? but have you not also read , in the prophets, " A voice is heard in Ramah, rachel weeping for her children, for they are NO MORE"?
Not less, but NO MORE. As in they do not exist any more, they are not found at all among the living?
Why would that be, ha!
unless of course one takes it from the ... origins..., like I do, and accepts that this abrahamic covenant was a later concession by God, and not part of His original plan?
That makes it seem therefore that there is something ELSE that has to be sorted out FIRST, and that everything else is the wrong way round, right?
Does that sort of give you an idea of just what... is REALLY going on?
I KNEW this like from the first, because i do not have the blinkers you have on, and the reason I never burned with fire for God is that i really do not care for people as people, I just want to die, and he acknowledges that, which is why He hides the steel in a silken glove. He speaks to me in song and things that are easy for me to swallow, and even when throwing me into the deep pit, He refuses to let me give in, to hopelessness, not because i have hope, but because I can never delude myself into seeing things other than the way they really are, and again, these people that I said will die, will die not because i am trying to fulfill some bible prophecy, but because , well, i would rather die than have even the least thing that makes me seem to serve God, to Whom i am at worst hostile, and at best indifferent. I do as I please, and if that fulfills what God promised, then fuck, who cares. I would rather go MY way, and not consider what someone may think I am doing it for, especially if it concerns that person.
so, fulfilling someone else's purpose is NOT my primary agenda, I make my own way, and stick to it, regardless of who is harmed or helped by it.
for MY reasons.
I would have happily killed my own mother, but then, i had a reason NOT to, which is that it is easier to deal with making her aware of what I know makes her prejudicing me of life a baseless thing, and thus shaming her grinding her face into the dust, and then leaving this fucking planet, having proven beyond even the shadow of a doubt that there is nothing honourable in being a parent, but it is really the worst thing that a man can subject a woman to, and that it is dishonourable to the man to do the same also, because it degrades him. So, I spare my mother, because I will MAKE her see, and at the same time, I bring my friend to earth a bit, so I show HIM where his error lies in about this burden he has taken on of family, so that in the end i do not repay him with death for the better quality life he gave me, and i leave with everyone having ... sight, and no one blind.
And I turn my nose at this world, that you all seem to think is the best place to be, and seek solitude, away from the madding crowd, and free of God's demands, rejecting both Him and this world.
so, basically, my ... thing... is about sex, and all that comes with it. But, unlike you, because i do not care that much, I never develop deep roots into anything. God is NOT well pleased with me, which is why He never had to lie to me, but was disconcertingly blunt and terse. And did not give me a long time to do anything, but enough time to ... reluctantly be what i have to be before i go nurse my open wounds far from the rest of you.
So in closing I have to say to you, weep not for me, but for yourselves, and dread what is about to happen, because i am never blind in what I do, but focused, and, as you shall see, not a weak thing. How does the opening line of the song go?:-
pray for my enemies, dont pray for me....
