I am rather... stunned by a... lot... of things, especially as I realise that the.. actions of people are things I weigh, store, and then think over, if I get a chance to do so. Like happened a few moments ago. Ok, so most of my actions have so far been camouflaged by despair, and it has been taking its toll. For example, my current drive to adjust my Modus Operandi so that I do not end up having to... lose... arguably the one person I would rather spend my... life... with. Sooo, I have not tried too hard to find out what the woman is up to,not because I am a coward, but because, I suppose, I am losing all the... high.. ground I thought I had. Fuck, I am a proud man, and will not bow down to anyone to get my way. I was thinking that she should worry by now that I could leave her, but the simple truth is... I love the woman, and have no more a thought of leaving her than I would of, well, looking at another woman. This sounds pathetic, but I am so firmly, completely stuck in the swamp of this woman's snares that I surprise myself even now by how... totally... I have been caught like a fish in a net. And I will also admit that if she were to end up being not what she seems, it would not be like the times I lost things and shrugged philosophically, but I would know the REAL pain of losing someone i have, as i say, surprised even myself by... loving. I mean, the woman has done strange things to me, breaking every single one of my rules of behaviour- I should, I guess, give examples, because this seems to be leading somewhere- and yet, I never could let her go. Like the time I caught her sitting at la parada as I walked back from fish hoek. It was the "omg" or something like that reaction to my double-take that crept up and hit me between the eyes. I remember how the chartfield guy turned, maybe because she spoke without moving her lips, and looked my way, as I walked past. And how the following day there was a concerted effort, from the ... wife... of the guy, and the woman's mother, 77and, again... kenneth... (ok, this guy does not, and never has, pissed me off. I have a sort of... respect... for him, and it is actually his involvement these past few days that make me... reconsider... certain things-) that at the time I ignored but can not anymore. But, there is, as always, the God aspect, because my... anger... makes me so mistrustful of people that maybe the only person I ever listen to, is, really, myself, after testing things, of course. I spoke of a vision, where I saw God, and this is the weird bit. I had never seen God before, but it was like I had always "seen" Him, and thing is, if I stood in the hut, and raised my hand, I could have touched the roof. He, on the other hand, would have had to go way through the roof to stand up straight He was crouched, bent over, leaning on a rope that the fisherman used to use but had been lately used to hold a hammock I made that my fellow room-mates had cut down in my absence. And He wore shoes, with a golfer's set of studs. (HIM hinting at ...masturbation... or just plain not at rest, since shoes meant He was not... settled?) And He was staring fixedly out at sea, at, as I discovered when I went outside and also looked, the solitary lighthouse that shone its light every which way nevet actually fixing its light in one place.
And today He almost made me cry by sounding the words of this song in my head, getting through to me in my misery like never before, making me know WHY He bothered, as a smile I had given someone melted off my face and i sank again into my private misery:- " I hear your hollow laughter, your size of secret pain/ pretending and inventing,just to hide the shame/ plastic smiles and faces, blinking back the tears/ empty friends and places, all magnify your fears/ if you are tired and weary, weak and heavy laden/ I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW, IT FEELS TO BE ALONE/ I will take your burden, if you'll let Me love you / I will take YOUR burden, and give your heart a home... ./ And the fact that I dreamed I had been sleeping and woken up and there He was, His side, not back, nor front, (a hint that He was neuther opposing ME like would have been tha case if He gad faced me, barring my way, nor rejecting me, as would have been the case if He showed His back to me) to me, at the foot of my... bed(I could see my bare feet, and He wasa bit to the right of the bed, hinting at both His own independent agenda and my own... right?)... and I complained to Him, ""I am saying a lot of things but nothing us happening" and He pointed to the wall at His right, and I could see through it and He said, looking directly at me, "It is happening right before your eyes" and i saw this guy, called nathan, a coloured guy, who in the morning, a Sunday, was to look at me like he would have wanted me out of the fisherman's hut which then I occupied alone, and he was in the water in that vision, with only his eyes and upper above it, staring at me balefully, and swimming straight at me. As he came to shore, he suddenly changed his demeanour, and a coat, an overcoat, appeared in his hands, which he showed above water, and some women, wearing scuba gear, but none of the oxygen tanks, looked my way and then decided to whisk him away. Tallies with the imps behaviour, who probably assumed at first he could take me on,but decided, as confrontation loomed, that he would rather cover himself and not seek to have me see him as the girl's SO. which is why as I still hyperventilated, the wife showed up, or am I mixing things? But well, things like that happened,when I came from the scrapyard, and i am thinking that the major reason those things were shown me was so I, who started off skeptical about God's motives,would, in trying to puzzle Him out, find out He was, sort of, watching my back. Soo, I suppose the asshole gets to live, (and that dumpy chick, then, for running away) since I am unable to... quite, pin on him, the death I would long to inflict on him. Same as with the butthead, because for some reason kenneth involved himself, and I have been watching his behaviour, and found that, oddly enough, guy takes my ... words... seriously, which is, to me, surprising, since well, all this is rather crazy. Ok,not only on that do I base my delayed reaction, but, then, i can not say I am quite trusting of the woman, oh fuck, this is not quite coming out right. I will tackle it from another angle. She... KNEW... she worked for mike, and when i used to get all possessive of her, she was at pains to prove me wrong, and more than once she actually stubbed my toe in the process. By showing up with a guy. I mean, fuck it, you ignore ME do not talk to me, or smile at ME, and I am supposed to be ... amused ...when what i long for from YOU you give to some other guy. Come on! Anyway, she was careful not to appear in front of me alone with mike, which made me more jealous, because even a blind person could see how obvious was the link. Ok, I wanted to tear the guy apart, as I will everyone she smiled at, but i do not want to know how his skin feels like, and then touch her and know she felt something like that, in more... fuck, i wont even go there. So he just dies, goes to hell. Fuck, if I knew all this going in, I would not even have paid attention to the woman. I would have prefered a virgin... or, maybe, she will cling to him so I wont have to live with these horrors. Ah, I can only dream, right? But some dreams come true. Although, of course, THIS would piss my mother off, if i took a woman WITH a child and she did NOT fight me over the child,that I must have custody of it, andjust left ...her? I hope it is a girl, because a boy is the sign of a woman's submission,and a woman with a boy child is certainly NOT acceptable. Actually, I hope I am ... wrong... and there is no child, no past with mike, because, hell, I would be putting myself in hell over this. Really. But with God and that "trailing umbilical cord" in the "Who do you tell when you love someone" vision, what are the odds of there NOT being some child, and me caught so hopelessly in the woman's love mesh? Ok, remind me again:- is God on MY side or what? Can we change this bit here? Like, get some woman who grew up in a convent and knows nothing about sex? Hmmmmmmm!! In this day and age? Oh boy, I am really not happy here
