I don't know whether to laugh or be angry, because what I initially assumed was God stepping in to STOP me from progressing turns out not to be the case. Silently He has been doing just the opposite, guarding me when i was not even thinking it. The house I wanted? And just had a person offer me when I was so...hurt? Turns out had a corpse in it, and depending on who you ask, the corpse was three months in the house, and these "apostles" wanted to be modern day christs, to this lazarus, and were allegedly paid R12 000 to do the deed. Story was in the Voice, so it is said, about how they were caught with the dead guy. And it gets me wondering, about all these snares laid for me, and things designed to make me the fall guy. Want to just go, OK, because I have had it with these things. Fuck,I KNOW God is "with" me, but I am just a pawn in this game of possession:- God finally wanting the claws out, to show that He is Numero Uno in the joint, and no longer being cryptic about it,while the holy spirit is busy trying to cut me down to size, using both direct methods as well as people, snares, and, and, i can not do anything much because I am so completely in love with someone I am now clueless as to how to reach and reason with, and i do NOT want to leave, really ,NOT if it is without her, and I have never been able to do what I do not want to, and I do not know how, and well, for the first time ever in my life, my heart is in my mouth, because I have something to lose, something... irreplaceable, something i know can never be compensated for,and I am powerless to do anything about it. Fuck, this HURTS, and in a place I can not reach to squeeze or rub. Maybe the woman is laughing her head off, as she reads this; and maybe she sees me as nothing but a braggart, a mountain street-kid who is over his head in issues that are too high-up for him. This ... sucks. Fuck, it never rains, but... it pours.
